BF booked holiday

[newmummy2023]

Hi ladies,

Can I have some advice ? Me and my partner have been together for two years and we have a baby girl 8 months.

I am our baby girls main carer as we do not currently live together, so we alternate weekends seeing each other. So I have her on my own in the week, and sometimes over weekends when we don't see each other.

My boyfriend just told me that he booked a holiday with his mate 5 days prior to going, which apparently was booked few weeks ago, so there must of been planning prior to that but he decided to tell me less than a week before his flight. They are going away for a week to Spain. Should I be concerned?

I am very laid back and open minded, and I said to him it was fine and he should enjoy his holiday and lad time as he been going through some stuff.

Apart of me has mixed feelings too, because it would of been nice if he suggested we go away on holiday as a family or suggests me and our baby come along too as his mate has a baby so could of been a family/couples holiday, but instead they have booked a holiday for them selves randomly and there is no occasion, his mates baby is also few months old.

Our sex life has been non existent as I have been too exhausted and I breastfeed her night and day, so I know he feels slightly rejected. Apart of me thinks are they both going away for a lads holiday to sleep around ? As they are not getting anything from us. We have been arguing on and off too which does not help my paranoia, I trust him 99% but 1% does not.

I don't see any point me confronting him bout trust issues as that won't change outcome.

He has never cheated on me that I know of, but has admitted he has in previous relationship, his mate also has history of cheating, I've only met his mate once, never met his mates gf, reasons for not trusting my bf is because he projects a lot of trust issues into me even though I've never cheated.

E.g I went away recently for my birthday somewhere in uk with my sisters and took our baby with me, which was over a wkend, and just because I got hair, nails done etc. he questioned me.

Why would he tell me last minute? Should I be concerned?

Are you very young? I am trying to figure out why you have a baby together but don't live together and she's somehow all your responsibility? My ex husband sees our dc more than your bf sees your baby and we are divorced.

There is also no way any partner and father of my baby would be going away last minute on a 'lads' holiday when you haven't been away as a family and he barely spends any time with you or the baby.

The cheating thing is a different matter - either you trust him or you don't but the picture you have painted doesn't sound promising.

I agree! Why is he doing so little parenting? He sounds absolutely useless!

We are both in our early 30's
7 months into our relationship I got pregnant and decided to keep her, we tried sorting out living arrangements but where we have a pet a lot of places rejected us, and it was getting closer to my due date, so it was easier for us at that time to live apart until we settle and then move out, but where we've been arguing on and off I've been holding off.
When my partner visits it will either be late on a Friday or Saturday earlish and he will leave on a Sunday as he has work Monday, so he gets 1 day and half with her. So just hurts a bit that he would book a lads holiday rather than use that opportunity to spend more time with us, when I see him, I will go up Friday afternoon and leave Monday. We live about 1 hour apart. X

Well you are not really "together" . He does nit sound very committed to you as a family.

What's he doing on his 'alternate' weekends? He doesn't sound much good as either a partner or father. You do sound very young. Also the fact that he has 'been going through some stuff', and therefore needs some 'lad time' sounds pretty teenage.

Life is full of stuff! As an adult you deal with it, particularly once you are a parent.

It has been hard! And it certainly feels like that way sometimes, and then he has the audacity to want sex, and strips when he doesn't.

He admits he has been depressed and your right we all have our stuff going on so why he needs 'lad time' for a whole week abroad doesn't add up x

I don't understand this either, why couldn't he move in with you or vice versa? Failing that why is he only seeing his child every other weekend? The whole set up doesn't make sense

Talk about having your cake and eating it! I think the holiday is symptomatic of the fact he's a single guy. I holiday with friends but plan with DH and DC and always make sure it's on top of family vacations. When's your childfree holiday with friends? Do you go away as a family? Most ex partners see there children more than yours does.
You need to firm up what you are to each other. How much financially does he contribute to your household? What would he say if you wanted to move in and get married?

I agree he doesn’t sound very committed but that’s not what you asked.
As to whether you should be concerned he will cheat, who knows? I think maybe he told you last minute because he knows it not great behaviour to be going at all and doesn’t want to be judged.
Should you be concerned? About the holiday, maybe. About the rest of your relationship and his commitment to you and / or his baby? Absolutely

Let me be clear.
This man is not your partner. You are not in a relationship with him.
You are the mother of his child who he hooks up with now and then.
That's it.

You had issues long before this trip was even happening. He lives only an hour away. Why is he not coming over and spending every night he can to help you with the baby? Would he be too tired? Guess what, it's parenthood. You're supposed to be tired for the first few years, otherwise you're not doing it right.
You are a single mother. Please realise this and stop accomodating this man.
Is he paying child support?
Please, for your sake, but mostly for your childs, grow a backbone and start standing up for yourself.

There's being "laid back and open minded" and there's being a complete and total fucking doormat.

I'm sorry but you fall into the latter category. I'm all for partners taking separate holidays and having separate lives but not when they have tiny babies. Your boyfriend is a useless sack of shit and you're enabling it by wanting to be the "cool girlfriend" who is so laid back and fine with him putting you and your daughter second to everything else. Stop it. Demand better for yourself and your child.

This isn't a relationship that's going to last. You need to realise he doesn't care much about you nor the baby. You've chosen badly by having a child with this man.

You should start organising your future as a single parent. Claim CM, make proper visitation agreements.

@newmummy2023
OP, you made a mutual decision to not provide a home with both parents for your child, because you have a pet that you could not give up?

Your relationship seems to be more baby and baby's mother rather than a loving partners relationship.

If that is the case, it is not unreasonable that you both should be able to schedule time apart. He does not appear to view the 3 of you as a family unit. Do.you have both the baby and the pet?

Maybe, it is time to have a conversation about the status of your relationship and mutual expectations.

He probably won’t see it as “cheating” as he doesn’t see you as a partner or a family if he’s only seeing you alternate weekends.

Why would you go on a family holiday when you’re not a family?

IMO you've allowed way too much freedom and lack of responsibility for a new parent and he takes advantage of that. Doesn't sound like a father material to me, you say he needs some time to relax, etc. but so do you.
Would he cheat - who knows, but that wouldn't be my main concern here. You need to share your responsibilities equally. Does he help you financially?

Oh it adds up all right. Unfortunately not to you two being a family unit. He sees himself as a single bloke with no commitments.

OP I'm sorry, when I read your post I assumed you were both 18/19 and living at parent's homes...

It's not what you asked but it seems to me totally shit that you have so little clarity about your life.

You're a grown woman and you made a bad contraceptive choice (I guess?) and got pregnant.

You then made a questionable choice to keep the baby and bring her into the world with a really shaky parental relationship and a split home set-up.

Now you're making continual bad choices, letting her dad get away with lad's holidays and hardly seeing her, letting this weird non-relationship drag on despite the zero commitment from him.

It's a mess.

If you don't think you deserve any better than this then please know that your baby does deserve better.

Please, take some responsibility for your daughter's happiness by setting some goals for yourself and some boundaries with this man.

Is he your boyfriend? Or is he a single guy you have a child with? If you're not sure then find out!

Put a plan in place to manage his access to his child in a way that allows you both to be safe and you not to be pressured into sex.

Raise a strong daughter who has healthy relationships by modelling these to her - starting with her dad.

Best of luck.

We've had issues on and off for a while, which we are trying to work on, and to be honest it is getting to that point where we may have to accept that it may not be resolved and do what's best for our baby, since I'm doing everything on my own anyway.
So what I meant by alternative wkends is that we see each other every weekend but we take in turns who commutes to who.

Yes I have my dog and my baby, we haven't moved out together because I feel if we can't get along now at times then living together could be worse ? So currently do not want that for our baby it's not fair or healthy.
Yes he complains he is tired after a weeks a work and then coming down, but as you said it's parenthood, and exactly I never switch off, and he gets all his free time in the week after he finishes work, I don't switch off.

Sorry just catching up on all messages, apologies if I miss something.

I definitely feel like a door Mat, I just always try to see everyone's perspective 🙈😢
The only time he has spent a week or two with with us when she was first born.

Also living arrangements why neither of us has moved in with each other, cramped living environment.

He pays for our meals out etc.. and will buy/offer to get her stuff she needs if I say/mention but does not physically give me money x

I’m afraid OP I completely agree.

Why isn’t he paying for his child? He only sees his child at the weekend and I’m guessing your doing all the actually parenting and then complaining HE is tired.

Goodness me. Sounds like he is hanging out with you so he can avoiding paying CM.

Surely it’s cheaper to run one household than two?

His actions in booking a lads’ holiday aren’t compatible with him supposedly building towards a family life with his partner and child. Sounds like it’s over, if you have any self-respect. Good luck OP.

I presume you meant he strops when you don’t put out. If so that, questioning you as a result of trust issues, not supporting your child properly financially and leaving you out of important decisions like going on holiday, all sound like abuse red flags to me.

The first year of our relationship was really good, we both agreed keeping our baby and things were great, then they started going down hill and a lot of his issues is around trust, I didn't do anything to be disloyal he just says he never trust anyone but himself.

We are definitely in a relationship, but your right my priority is our baby and I will always put her first, I will confront him about this holiday and say how I feel. And to be honest if it was the other way around he would not like it.