Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF booked holiday

96 replies

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 11:49

Hi ladies,

Can I have some advice ? Me and my partner have been together for two years and we have a baby girl 8 months.

I am our baby girls main carer as we do not currently live together, so we alternate weekends seeing each other. So I have her on my own in the week, and sometimes over weekends when we don't see each other.

My boyfriend just told me that he booked a holiday with his mate 5 days prior to going, which apparently was booked few weeks ago, so there must of been planning prior to that but he decided to tell me less than a week before his flight. They are going away for a week to Spain. Should I be concerned?

I am very laid back and open minded, and I said to him it was fine and he should enjoy his holiday and lad time as he been going through some stuff.

Apart of me has mixed feelings too, because it would of been nice if he suggested we go away on holiday as a family or suggests me and our baby come along too as his mate has a baby so could of been a family/couples holiday, but instead they have booked a holiday for them selves randomly and there is no occasion, his mates baby is also few months old.

Our sex life has been non existent as I have been too exhausted and I breastfeed her night and day, so I know he feels slightly rejected. Apart of me thinks are they both going away for a lads holiday to sleep around ? As they are not getting anything from us. We have been arguing on and off too which does not help my paranoia, I trust him 99% but 1% does not.

I don't see any point me confronting him bout trust issues as that won't change outcome.

He has never cheated on me that I know of, but has admitted he has in previous relationship, his mate also has history of cheating, I've only met his mate once, never met his mates gf, reasons for not trusting my bf is because he projects a lot of trust issues into me even though I've never cheated.

E.g I went away recently for my birthday somewhere in uk with my sisters and took our baby with me, which was over a wkend, and just because I got hair, nails done etc. he questioned me.

Why would he tell me last minute? Should I be concerned?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:26

Nicole1111 · 07/11/2023 13:01

This is helpful for identifying abuse

Thanks, to be honest reading this I can see some similarities and has made me aware, xx

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/11/2023 14:31

He doesn't pay maintenance?

No wonder he can afford to go on lads holidays with his pals.

You need to claim maintenance for your child!

And split up with this loser.

Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:31

VeridicalVagabond · 07/11/2023 12:15

There's being "laid back and open minded" and there's being a complete and total fucking doormat.

I'm sorry but you fall into the latter category. I'm all for partners taking separate holidays and having separate lives but not when they have tiny babies. Your boyfriend is a useless sack of shit and you're enabling it by wanting to be the "cool girlfriend" who is so laid back and fine with him putting you and your daughter second to everything else. Stop it. Demand better for yourself and your child.

Definitely what I need to hear, being nice gets you nowhere just walked all over and he will keep thinking he can do what he likes when he wants because I allow it. :/ x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:33

Mari9999 · 07/11/2023 12:18

@newmummy2023
OP, you made a mutual decision to not provide a home with both parents for your child, because you have a pet that you could not give up?

Your relationship seems to be more baby and baby's mother rather than a loving partners relationship.

If that is the case, it is not unreasonable that you both should be able to schedule time apart. He does not appear to view the 3 of you as a family unit. Do.you have both the baby and the pet?

Maybe, it is time to have a conversation about the status of your relationship and mutual expectations.

I have had my dog for 8 years, his helped me through a lot, I am not giving my let up, but that was not main reason for moving out.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/11/2023 14:35

OP are you telling him to use condoms?
Because he's probably having sex with other women.

TheShellBeach · 07/11/2023 14:36

The controlling jealousy would be enough for me to end it, OP.

Nicole1111 · 07/11/2023 14:38

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:26

Thanks, to be honest reading this I can see some similarities and has made me aware, xx

Show quote history

You can do the freedom programme online or see if your local children’s centre do it if you want to learn how to spot and protect yourself from abusive relationships

Mangolover123 · 07/11/2023 14:44
  1. He has been disrespectful to you in booking a holiday without discussion.
  2. I think you have to accept he is a BF not a partner and this is not a partnership
  3. You need a proper maintenance agreement in place. Look at the CMS website and he needs to be paying you this amount.
  4. I think some strong words, set out what you expect and go from there.
  5. You are now a mother and are responsible for another human being - a big congrats.
  6. What is happening child care wise when you go back to work and who is paying for this.
  7. Be prepared he may not be able or willing to step up.
VeridicalVagabond · 07/11/2023 14:44

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:31

Definitely what I need to hear, being nice gets you nowhere just walked all over and he will keep thinking he can do what he likes when he wants because I allow it. :/ x

Show quote history

I realise my reply was quite harsh sounding and I apologise for that - I'm a former people pleaser so I see a lot of myself in you and it's hard looking in the mirror sometimes.

It's ok to have expectations in a relationship, and to insist upon being treated with respect. You and your daughter are worthy of it, you don't always have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm, you don't have to put up with his shit just to keep the peace, and expecting equality and mutual respect in your relationship is reasonable. If this concept upsets him he's not a good person or partner anyway.

People pleasing is a hard habit to break but I promise it's liberating to break it!

Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 15:08

You was not harsh at all, sometimes I need to hear it as I am a people pleaser for sure, always wanting to keep others happy and put my needs behind, but my daughter will always come first x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 15:09

Mangolover123 · 07/11/2023 14:44

  1. He has been disrespectful to you in booking a holiday without discussion.
  2. I think you have to accept he is a BF not a partner and this is not a partnership
  3. You need a proper maintenance agreement in place. Look at the CMS website and he needs to be paying you this amount.
  4. I think some strong words, set out what you expect and go from there.
  5. You are now a mother and are responsible for another human being - a big congrats.
  6. What is happening child care wise when you go back to work and who is paying for this.
  7. Be prepared he may not be able or willing to step up.
Edited

Thanks,
Again points I need to hear and helps me clarify what relationship I am in, not sure about childcare at the moment, I have family to help out, but they all work too so will have to come to an arrangement, or work from home with baby for now, x

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/11/2023 15:16

This isn't a relationship- it's a bloke with a girlfriend who he sees occasionally and a baby in the mix- you aren't even in his mind when it comes to booking a holiday. I would discuss about something more permanent or bin him (make sure you get maintenance if you do)

Channellingsophistication · 07/11/2023 15:45

My DP and I were in similar circumstances. Had a baby early in relationship. We both had our own homes ((in different counties) while DS was young and then moved in together before DS started school.

However, my DP, whilst he wasn’t brilliantly hands-on, he did pay maintenance. He had just become self-employed following redundancy so it wasn’t easy for him, but he still did it.

This guy is not your partner as partners support each other. He seems to be living a single life, not paying for his child and dropping in to see you when he feels like it.

I don’t see what you are getting out of this relationship?

ZzzGodzilla · 07/11/2023 15:52

His actions speak louder, than his words

He booked a lads holiday, rather than pay you child maintenance

I would suggest putting in an official claim for child maintenance

Whataretheodds · 07/11/2023 15:53

He is not a partner and this is not a partnership. Please think long and hard about whether you want to continue this situation (and whether this is the example you want to set your child).

Imagine how free you would be if you got proper maintenance from him and focused on you and your child rather than worrying about this manchild and his needs.

Shoxfordian · 07/11/2023 16:24

He's not much of a partner or a dad by the sound of it, you're wasting your time here

Scoobydoobywho · 07/11/2023 16:53

Sounds like you've got yourself a useless partner and a useless father to your baby.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 07/11/2023 16:57

I can't get past the fact he's prioritised living with a pet being a barrier to living with his child.

It sounds like your relationship is rocky anyway op, and I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you on holiday. Sorry.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2023 00:17

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 12:39

We've had issues on and off for a while, which we are trying to work on, and to be honest it is getting to that point where we may have to accept that it may not be resolved and do what's best for our baby, since I'm doing everything on my own anyway.
So what I meant by alternative wkends is that we see each other every weekend but we take in turns who commutes to who.

Yes I have my dog and my baby, we haven't moved out together because I feel if we can't get along now at times then living together could be worse ? So currently do not want that for our baby it's not fair or healthy.
Yes he complains he is tired after a weeks a work and then coming down, but as you said it's parenthood, and exactly I never switch off, and he gets all his free time in the week after he finishes work, I don't switch off.

Sorry just catching up on all messages, apologies if I miss something.

I definitely feel like a door Mat, I just always try to see everyone's perspective 🙈😢
The only time he has spent a week or two with with us when she was first born.

Also living arrangements why neither of us has moved in with each other, cramped living environment.

He pays for our meals out etc.. and will buy/offer to get her stuff she needs if I say/mention but does not physically give me money x

Then go to the CSA and get what's due to your baby

Why does he get to swan off on holiday when he doesn't pay for his child?

Ponderingwindow · 08/11/2023 00:45

If ever there was a case where the meaning of the word partner mattered. You are in a relationship, but he is not your partner. The difference is huge.

just because you are dating doesn’t mean he shouldn’t support the baby financially. If he were your partner he would also be covering part of your maternity leave financial losses. He would also be planning to pay for child care.

you can’t wfh with a baby. That isn’t how things work. You are going to need child care.

Aprilx · 08/11/2023 04:19

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 12:04

We are both in our early 30's
7 months into our relationship I got pregnant and decided to keep her, we tried sorting out living arrangements but where we have a pet a lot of places rejected us, and it was getting closer to my due date, so it was easier for us at that time to live apart until we settle and then move out, but where we've been arguing on and off I've been holding off.
When my partner visits it will either be late on a Friday or Saturday earlish and he will leave on a Sunday as he has work Monday, so he gets 1 day and half with her. So just hurts a bit that he would book a lads holiday rather than use that opportunity to spend more time with us, when I see him, I will go up Friday afternoon and leave Monday. We live about 1 hour apart. X

It comes across like you are teenagers, as a woman in her 30s your bar should be a lot higher than this. You had a baby with a man you barely knew and he is just the father of your child, he is not your boyfriend and he definitely isn’t your partner.

YireosDodeAver · 08/11/2023 04:56

Honestly, you need to reframe your narrative.

You are a single mum.
You are in a casual relationship with the baby's dad but you and your baby are not high on his priorities and you can't rely on him. He has made no commitment to you.

You can't make-believe your way into a committed relationship with this man. "Man" may not be the right word, he seems pretty immature.

He is legally obliged to help support your baby and your child has a right to a relationship with her dad so do keep things friendly but stop trying to shoehorn your situation into a nuclear-family shape. That's not where you are.

Being "worried" his behaviour is the wrong starting point. Start from the assumption that you are a strong, capable, independent woman dealing with a tough set of responsibilities. Immature manchild isn’t going to magically become a heroic type who wants to settle straight down into happily ever after. If you aim for that he will just end up taking further advantage of you taking what he can and giving as little as possible back.

Acornsoup · 08/11/2023 05:53

You are being controlled and manipulated. He doesn't want to commit and he doesn't want you to move on. He will keep up the part time family as long as you let him. Is this what you want for your baby? If he will not move he needs to pay maintenance for his baby at the very least. The odd meal and weekend hook up is no basis for a committed relationship.

He doesn't trust you 🙄 manipulation

Lads holiday - taking the piss massively.

He has shown you what his priority is - himself.

OP you and baby deserve so much more.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 08/11/2023 05:59

Who's looking after his pet (dog?) While he's off on his lads holiday?

FarEast · 08/11/2023 06:38

He doesn’t sound much of a father or a partner.