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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF booked holiday

96 replies

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 11:49

Hi ladies,

Can I have some advice ? Me and my partner have been together for two years and we have a baby girl 8 months.

I am our baby girls main carer as we do not currently live together, so we alternate weekends seeing each other. So I have her on my own in the week, and sometimes over weekends when we don't see each other.

My boyfriend just told me that he booked a holiday with his mate 5 days prior to going, which apparently was booked few weeks ago, so there must of been planning prior to that but he decided to tell me less than a week before his flight. They are going away for a week to Spain. Should I be concerned?

I am very laid back and open minded, and I said to him it was fine and he should enjoy his holiday and lad time as he been going through some stuff.

Apart of me has mixed feelings too, because it would of been nice if he suggested we go away on holiday as a family or suggests me and our baby come along too as his mate has a baby so could of been a family/couples holiday, but instead they have booked a holiday for them selves randomly and there is no occasion, his mates baby is also few months old.

Our sex life has been non existent as I have been too exhausted and I breastfeed her night and day, so I know he feels slightly rejected. Apart of me thinks are they both going away for a lads holiday to sleep around ? As they are not getting anything from us. We have been arguing on and off too which does not help my paranoia, I trust him 99% but 1% does not.

I don't see any point me confronting him bout trust issues as that won't change outcome.

He has never cheated on me that I know of, but has admitted he has in previous relationship, his mate also has history of cheating, I've only met his mate once, never met his mates gf, reasons for not trusting my bf is because he projects a lot of trust issues into me even though I've never cheated.

E.g I went away recently for my birthday somewhere in uk with my sisters and took our baby with me, which was over a wkend, and just because I got hair, nails done etc. he questioned me.

Why would he tell me last minute? Should I be concerned?

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 08/11/2023 08:39

OP you can't WFH with a baby.

Opentooffers · 08/11/2023 09:25

Do you realise that when people are projecting and accusing you of being unfaithful, it is because they are the ones up to no good? It's classic.
He meantime is keeping you sweet enough so you never ask for a penny in maintenance. Go through CSA and get what he should pay as a regular amount - see how he likes that. He will keep you in poverty otherwise.
At the moment you are allowing him all the benefits and non of the responsibility of being a parent.
I'd also guess that the 1 year mark was probably when he first got his head turned. That is when he measured you by his own standards.
I suspect that if you asked him for maintenance, he'd make a sharp exit. That he hasn't offered without needing to ask shows the kind of man he is.

GrumpyPanda · 08/11/2023 09:39

E.g I went away recently for my birthday somewhere in uk with my sisters and took our baby with me, which was over a wkend, and just because I got hair, nails done etc. he questioned me.

Well if he ever does end up cheating you thank your lucky stars and hope it turns into something permanent, because this dude sure doesn't sound like a catch.

Bookworm20 · 08/11/2023 11:49

You are right to be pissed off that he booked a lads holiday, with no discussion and has simply told you whats happening. That does not sounds like a respectful partner. It sounds like a selfish prick.
And yes I would be worried in your shoes. Sounds like the 2 of them are off on a lads jolly and all that that entails, as though they are 2 single blokes with no cares in the world.

Basically he is living the life of a single bloke, but with the whole girlfriend/family experience on the side and with none of the responsibility or cost! Zero. Zilch. Ok, so he throws you the odd meal out and a few babygrows. This bloke is living his best life I reckon!

I agree with others. This man should be paying for his child. At the bare minimum! You do all the childcare and he, what, plays dad on a weekend, but you still do everything on that weekend anyway? Tell him he needs to pay x amount each week, or you'll go through cms. I bet that will go down like a lead balloon. Burst his little bubble. He needs a wake up call and needs it before you go back to work OP, otherwise you'll be doing everything AND footing the bill for childcare.

A decent bloke would be prioritising his baby, his partner and his future plans for making this all work. Is he doing that? Because it does not sound like he is at all, not even a bit. He sounds like he is in it for him, and I bet when you start rocking that boat he will be extremely unhappy about it.

OK so on weekends he is a good dad? Well yeah, its like role play for him. He is playing at being a dad and when hes fed of it he buggers off home. If he really wanted to be in that childs life as an actual dad he would be moving heaven and earth to make that happen. be it plans to live together, or moving nearer to you or even driving over after work most days.

Instead he is pissing off to Spain.

Bookworm20 · 08/11/2023 11:54

Oh, and I would be telling him exactly how selfish and pathetic he looks for booking a break with his mate instead of taking his family away on a much needed holiday.
Get angry! Don't let him continue to walk all over you.
I'd also tell him that if he goes on his little jolly, that he has an STD test when he returns before he comes near you.

LittleOwl153 · 08/11/2023 12:02

Use your anger to get onto the CMS and make him pay maintenance. If he can afford the trip he can afford to pay properly for his child.

He has it cushy right now doesn't he? He has you running over to him because he's too tired to come to you, no doubt cooking and cleaning for him and now moaning He isn't getting sex.

Do the cms now as it takes a while to set up and you will need to know what money you have coming in for when it comes to returning to work. Childcare places are often difficult to come by and wfh whilst looking after a toddler is NOT going to turn out well.

Cantbesure · 09/11/2023 08:36

This is not a family and barely a relationship. You should cut your losses and apply to CMS for maintenance.

billy1966 · 09/11/2023 09:19

OP,

Forget about this waster you barely know and thought it was a good idea to have a baby with, despite not having a home and living with your family including a druggy brother.

You are too old for such poor decision making.

Of course he isn't faithful to you, you are not in a relationship.

You insisted on bring that poor baby into the world.

Moving in with her loser father who doesn't pay CM will make your life even harder.

Please focus completely and utterly on you and your baby and building a stable life together for her.

Do not factor this utter waster into your plans.

Your baby needs one parent doing right by it.

Forget about him and his holiday.

Mind yourself and your baby.

rainbowstardrops · 09/11/2023 09:42

Well he clearly has his bread buttered on both sides doesn't he?!

I'm afraid that it does look as if he merely sees you as the mother of his child and someone to shag when he can.

Committed partners don't go booking lads holidays without any discussion and don't choose to only see their partner and baby for a few hours at the weekend.

Oh and they don't accuse or insinuate that their partner (pregnant or otherwise) is having an affair.

Maybe he's judging you by his own standards?

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 30/11/2023 11:28

Hi OP
I’m so sorry but you are in a really dreadful situation. It seems clear that you are actually:

A single mother
Who does not get child support or co-parenting support
Is still delusional about being in a relationship
The father of your baby sees you as a hook up and is not committed to you and is not a responsible invested father
The holiday is likely to behave as a single man

I am really sorry but you are very vulnerable and you need to start sticking up for yourself. please claim child maintenance from CMS and get visitation rights. I hope the child has your surname.

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/11/2023 11:50

OP this is an awful set up.
It sounds like your sister is doing all the supporting whilst you are drifting and your baby daddy is …..
Not normal or healthy

neilyoungismyhero · 30/11/2023 12:11

@Loverofoxbowlakes the OP has the pet.

cestlavielife · 30/11/2023 12:14

You are not in a relationship. He does not think so except when wanting sex .
He feels free to do as he wishes
Keep co parenting but leave him as a partner and be strong alone

itsallnewnow · 30/11/2023 16:30

Working from home with a one year old is night impossible; it will likely go horribly wrong very quickly. Please sort a childminder or nursery asap and push him for maintenance to contribute

SleepingStandingUp · 30/11/2023 16:33

This isn't a relationship. It's not even FWB given understandably you're not physically interested ATM. This is just your kids Dad popping over every other weekend to "see her" in the hope he'll get something.

Personally I think you need to end the farce of a relationship, get proper visitation implemented and make sure you're claiming child support

Caroparo52 · 27/02/2024 15:29

So you won't move in with him because his place don't allow dogs?
I think the dog has saved you from making a big mistake .
He is taking the piss and you are rolling onto your back and letting him.
He's not a parent or a father.
He's wiggled his way out of paying for the baby.
He shows up for sex.
He pisses off on a lads holiday.
At least he's not living with you.
Have a think seriously about what he does bring to your life and DD's.
Sort out proper financial contribution from him.
Change the locks.
Keep the dog.
They are more loving and reliable than this bloke sounds.

pikkumyy77 · 27/02/2024 20:12

This is ridiculous. I feel like Im losing the will to live reading this.

No: you are not in a relationship with this man. Nothing you are doing is right for your daughter As you are demonstrating to her that this half a man is all she deserves as a father.

PingvsPong · 27/02/2024 20:15

pikkumyy77 · 27/02/2024 20:12

This is ridiculous. I feel like Im losing the will to live reading this.

No: you are not in a relationship with this man. Nothing you are doing is right for your daughter As you are demonstrating to her that this half a man is all she deserves as a father.

Same here. The delulu is strong with this one.
Dump him, claim CMS and move on with your life OP. Your little one deserves better. Maybe get some therapy so you don't end up with another wastrel.

Sweetheart7 · 27/02/2024 20:21

I was pregnant and didn't live with his dad for some time. It is odd and what you describe isn't a family unit. Does he pay for your daughter? I actually think its a blessing you have not moved in together!

Pumpkinpie1 · 28/02/2024 09:03

How are you doing now OP

Datafan55 · 28/02/2024 09:18

This thread has popped up on my feed today, and I am reading with horror... All the good advice from PPs and the OP explaining over and over why she is letting him get away with chucking her the odd crumb.

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