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Original poster

BF booked holiday

96 replies

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 11:49

Hi ladies,

Can I have some advice ? Me and my partner have been together for two years and we have a baby girl 8 months.

I am our baby girls main carer as we do not currently live together, so we alternate weekends seeing each other. So I have her on my own in the week, and sometimes over weekends when we don't see each other.

My boyfriend just told me that he booked a holiday with his mate 5 days prior to going, which apparently was booked few weeks ago, so there must of been planning prior to that but he decided to tell me less than a week before his flight. They are going away for a week to Spain. Should I be concerned?

I am very laid back and open minded, and I said to him it was fine and he should enjoy his holiday and lad time as he been going through some stuff.

Apart of me has mixed feelings too, because it would of been nice if he suggested we go away on holiday as a family or suggests me and our baby come along too as his mate has a baby so could of been a family/couples holiday, but instead they have booked a holiday for them selves randomly and there is no occasion, his mates baby is also few months old.

Our sex life has been non existent as I have been too exhausted and I breastfeed her night and day, so I know he feels slightly rejected. Apart of me thinks are they both going away for a lads holiday to sleep around ? As they are not getting anything from us. We have been arguing on and off too which does not help my paranoia, I trust him 99% but 1% does not.

I don't see any point me confronting him bout trust issues as that won't change outcome.

He has never cheated on me that I know of, but has admitted he has in previous relationship, his mate also has history of cheating, I've only met his mate once, never met his mates gf, reasons for not trusting my bf is because he projects a lot of trust issues into me even though I've never cheated.

E.g I went away recently for my birthday somewhere in uk with my sisters and took our baby with me, which was over a wkend, and just because I got hair, nails done etc. he questioned me.

Why would he tell me last minute? Should I be concerned?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 12:54

Yeah trust issues is a whole new topic, so many things he would question, like recently I shaved and he questioned and thought I did it for someone else, if a guy stays apparently I must be the one bent over. A while ago I changed underwear for work and he thought I did it for someone at work. My passenger seat in car was back and he thought I was up to no good, a lot of projection, all while I was pregnant x

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 12:55

I would absolutely assume he is going on a shagathon.. He has no responsibilities at home does he?

Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 12:58

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 12:55

I would absolutely assume he is going on a shagathon.. He has no responsibilities at home does he?

I really hope not, but I would never find out. No responsibilities at all, I still feed her myself along with solids so early days was hard for him to help as I did all the feeding and he will change nappies etc..and bell when he cans but when he is here I still feel like I do everything and as soon as she is down and I want to relax that's when he thinks it's ok to try it on when I need my time x

OP posts:
ginasevern · 07/11/2023 12:59

He doesn't want to settle down, move in with you and play happy families with baby. It's that simple. Loads of men are like this. Let him bugger off to Spain and don't have him back. This set up will eventually drive you mad and your baby is better off without his part-time attempts at looking like a half decent human being. He's possibly keeping up appearances for the sake of his family/Mum? You got pregnant, he didn't expect or want that and he certainly doesn't want an end to his fun single life. Ditch him, it's a no brainer.

Nicole1111 · 07/11/2023 13:01

This is helpful for identifying abuse

BF booked holiday
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 13:01

EvaBlue · 07/11/2023 12:46

Surely it’s cheaper to run one household than two?

His actions in booking a lads’ holiday aren’t compatible with him supposedly building towards a family life with his partner and child. Sounds like it’s over, if you have any self-respect. Good luck OP.

Exactly however much he is spending/wasting on this holiday, could if gone towards housing or for our baby.

I do everything and then he gets jealous when my family help out as he says he should be doing it, he admits he does sod all, and he keeps mentioning how he wants us to live together so he can support us more, but actions speak louder than words, I'm just holding off moving out at the moment where we are not stable so don't want our baby being in a toxic environment x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 13:02

EvaBlue · 07/11/2023 12:46

Surely it’s cheaper to run one household than two?

His actions in booking a lads’ holiday aren’t compatible with him supposedly building towards a family life with his partner and child. Sounds like it’s over, if you have any self-respect. Good luck OP.

I'm temporarily with my sister, and he still with his parent. X

OP posts:
AnnaMasse · 07/11/2023 13:03

@newmummy2023

The first year of our relationship was really good

They usually are...

Ibravedaflood · 07/11/2023 13:05

The period you weren't pregnant or breastfeeding.. The time HE was your priority
..

TulipOH · 07/11/2023 13:07

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 12:54

Yeah trust issues is a whole new topic, so many things he would question, like recently I shaved and he questioned and thought I did it for someone else, if a guy stays apparently I must be the one bent over. A while ago I changed underwear for work and he thought I did it for someone at work. My passenger seat in car was back and he thought I was up to no good, a lot of projection, all while I was pregnant x

This relationship is fucked.

I think you should carry on with your life with your DD as a single parent, and arrange access for him as the NRP.

This relationship is not going to work.

AtomicPumpkin · 07/11/2023 13:09

It sounds as if you are a single mother who is being used for sex. At least one of those things is relatively easy to change.

Vinrouge4 · 07/11/2023 13:11

He has it made, doesn't he? Lives the life of a single guy, doesn't pay you any money, doesn't do any actual parenting and just drops in on the relationship when he feels like it. He is using you and you would be better off cutting your losses and being on your own. I would also make sure he starts paying maintenance -- through the CMS if necessary. Don't be fooled into thinking you are in a relationship with this man - you are not.

Irregardless · 07/11/2023 13:19

Even you think you’re a doormat, yet you have decided to continue being a doormat. Nothing we say will change that.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you are ”accidentally” pregnant again before next year.

Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 13:23

Irregardless · 07/11/2023 13:19

Even you think you’re a doormat, yet you have decided to continue being a doormat. Nothing we say will change that.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you are ”accidentally” pregnant again before next year.

Definitely won't be pregnant again, I have coil fitted, do not want any more babies when relationship is currently unstable, already made choices in this relationship which I am dealing with now, x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 13:25

Irregardless · 07/11/2023 13:19

Even you think you’re a doormat, yet you have decided to continue being a doormat. Nothing we say will change that.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you are ”accidentally” pregnant again before next year.

I do stand up for myself when I feel I need to, and shut arguements down when our baby is around, as I am very conscious she will pick up on all of that, just wanted advice on this lads holiday as I had mixed feelings x

OP posts:
Irregardless · 07/11/2023 13:25

newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 13:23

Definitely won't be pregnant again, I have coil fitted, do not want any more babies when relationship is currently unstable, already made choices in this relationship which I am dealing with now, x

Show quote history

Ok well done. You know in your heart he will be unfaithful on this trip though, same as his mate.

JingleBellsBatman · 07/11/2023 13:30

So neither of you have your own place to live? Sounds like there's a fair bit of growing up to be done. This "man" is a big fucking baby who will shag around as much as possible. Trust issues my arse.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/11/2023 13:40

A PP said you aren't in a relationship but you said you are. Just because you call it that doesn't make it true. They are correct, that he is someone who comes around for a shag.

He gives you no money regularly, he should be paying you CMS since you aren't really together. You are a single parent, physically and financially. He doesn't see the need to tell you he has booked a holiday with the lads, because you don't feature in his thoughts as part of his responsibility/family. You are not important to him and it is clear from his behaviour.

NeedToChangeName · 07/11/2023 13:48

He's not your partner. He's a friend with benefits, who isn't that fussed about you or your daughter. Sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear

I suggest you work on your self esteem and confidence. Looking back, I can see that when I've been at my lowest is when I've allowed people to take advantage of me

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/11/2023 13:58

It doesn't sound like he particularly wants be a family OP, he's quite happy having his cake and eating it.

Me and DP were in a similar situation to you when we had our daughter, we'd only been together 11 months when she was born. (DP found out she was pregnant very late into the pregnancy).

We talked about it and decided to try and make a go of it, and I spent the next 6 months running myself ragged to make it work. I was either at work, DPs parents house with DP and DD, or at my house working to make it suitable for family living (had bought a house, and was living with a mate at the time. The place was a bombsite, needed massive renovation doing).

DP was obviously wary about moving in with someone who she didn't know all that well really, especially when her whole life had just changed with barely any warning. So I had to show that I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work, to show her that I was a safe bet.

I don't see your boyfriend making any of that effort for you, he likes his single life, and he gets to play at being Dad when he feels like it. Is that really what you want for your future?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/11/2023 14:02

@newmummy2023

So now that you know you're being treated with a total lack of respect and are nothing to him but a convenient shag, what are you going to do about it?

You don't live together. This is a perfect time to tell him that as of right now you are no longer in a relationship, but are strictly 'coparenting'. That he will need to pay maintenance so you will be going to CMS and that he will be allowed to see the baby at your home (or his parent's if that works for you) during the day on the weekends but there will be NO sleeping over and no 'extras'.

Turn your life around. You are too young to be putting up with this shitty treatment.

HowAmYa · 07/11/2023 14:19

Cold hard truth;
He doesn't love you
He doesn't care about his child
He won't ever build a future with you
He only wants you for sex

Please please split from this waste of space, seek out agreements for child maintenance etc and live your life.

Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:23

JingleBellsBatman · 07/11/2023 13:30

So neither of you have your own place to live? Sounds like there's a fair bit of growing up to be done. This "man" is a big fucking baby who will shag around as much as possible. Trust issues my arse.

Prior to getting pregnant I was working full time saving and still saving as much as I can now on mat leave, living with family doesn't make me irresponsible, I took action to move out of my mums and lucky I had my sister to take me on temporary because living at home would of been a safeguarding issue because of my brothers drug addiction. I'm doing my best I can, I am on council list I've gone to advice to help me, so I am trying to get the best set up. Unfortunately I have my partner to deal with too, x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:24

LadyDanburysHat · 07/11/2023 13:40

A PP said you aren't in a relationship but you said you are. Just because you call it that doesn't make it true. They are correct, that he is someone who comes around for a shag.

He gives you no money regularly, he should be paying you CMS since you aren't really together. You are a single parent, physically and financially. He doesn't see the need to tell you he has booked a holiday with the lads, because you don't feature in his thoughts as part of his responsibility/family. You are not important to him and it is clear from his behaviour.

Yes I just find it really disrespectful he did not tell me and it should be common courtesy to let me know or ask, I don't know why I put up with, I guess I just keep overlooking and seeing the good, but I am reaching breaking point I am always so overwhelmed x

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy2023 · 07/11/2023 14:25

Irregardless · 07/11/2023 13:19

Even you think you’re a doormat, yet you have decided to continue being a doormat. Nothing we say will change that.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you are ”accidentally” pregnant again before next year.

Getting pregnant was an accident first time but I was on pill and I was Ill at that time and being sick so the pill did not work as I must of puked it out of system, so I wasn't being careless xx

OP posts: