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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Silence treatment in a relationship

135 replies

3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 16:04

Help… Whenever my boyfriend gets cross with me he ignores me. Sometimes he just ignores me for ages, this time it’s been 2 days. We messaged about plans over the weekend and for some reason he’s obviously got angry because he’s not replying, I’ve asked him what’s happening and asked him to communicate with me and he is just giving me the silent treatment? Does anyone else have this and how long does it last? Is he ending things? It’s horrible getting the silent treatment

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 04/11/2023 16:12

This is a form of emotional abuse. It really is no way to live and I hope you're in a position to get rid.

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 16:13

It feels like a punishment! Like I’m just waiting to see what he does next… it’s upsetting being in the unknown

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 16:16

Dump him

He’s a controlling arsehole

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 16:17

3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 16:13

It feels like a punishment! Like I’m just waiting to see what he does next… it’s upsetting being in the unknown

Yep, and that’s exactly where he wants you.,

As the PP says this is emotional abuse., He will get worse. Please dump him.

SofiYol · 04/11/2023 16:18

It’s abuse.

He does this so that next time, you won’t call him out on shit behaviours. You’ll be so pleased he’s back, you won’t address the fact that you’ve been ignored for days.

You’ll become an anxious shell of yourself waking on eggshells waiting for the next time, and there will be a next time.

Block him and don’t look back.

GettingSickOfYourNonsense · 04/11/2023 16:19

It's very immature. Why do you bother with him? If it were me, I'd have made arrangements with friends or family and gone out without the boyfriend.

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 16:22

I don’t understand the behaviour because we’ve not had a flight as such so I don’t know what I’ve done that’s so bad! So it feels abusive. Last night it was unbearable and today it’s felt rubbish. I can’t stand it if he just stings this out to end it…. And I’m ok if he asked for space I would be fine with that

OP posts:
Irishstout · 04/11/2023 16:24

100% agree on the abusive comments.

It is completely unacceptable and would be a deal breaker for me. If he generally feel so angry about something he can't talk to you he can say ' I can't talk about it at the moment because I want to calm down, we can talk tomorrow' .

Ignoring you is manipulative, it makes you chase him and feel like you have to apologise. I had an ex who did this every time I said something he decided he didn't like so I understand the pain.

I would dump him, or if this is a first offence and you really don't want to ignore him back, once he gets over himself tell him it's unacceptable and if he does it again its over. And MEAN it!!

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 16:27

How long did your ex take to come back to you and what was he like when he did?

OP posts:
SofiYol · 04/11/2023 16:34

It doesn’t matter how long he takes to come back - do not allow yourself to be treated like this.

Please, don’t let some dickhead walk all over you like this it will destroy you. Speak to Women’s Aid, read up on emotional abuse on Google. Just get away from him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 16:34

Serious question.

Given that he has behaved this way multiple times - why are you still with him? Why is he your boyfriend, and not your ex?

I hope I'm reading your OP right, and that you don't live together.

yellowsmileyface · 04/11/2023 16:34

So it feels abusive.

It is abusive.

Even if you had had an argument, it wouldn't be acceptable. He's not ending things with you, he's conditioning you to never raise concerns/issues or to say anything that could potentially trigger an argument. You'll remember how horrible this feels and end up treading on eggshells so as to never upset him.

There's nothing you can do to manage this behaviour. It's not your fault and you cannot fix it.

You should be the one to end things.

Catsafterme · 04/11/2023 16:35

It's psychological / emotional abuse and it's used to shut down situations they don't want to deal with because they want you to be wrong and apologize, beg.

It leaves you in endless turmoil in your own mind and the more it happens you will do anything to prevent it. They want you to beg, plead, change your ways, who you are. The time it lasts depends on the perceived slight and how long the punishment will be. The more you chase though, the longer it goes on or determines the next boughts length. You can't win it's a setup for failure. They will win regardless.

There doesn't need to be a reason either, you could look the wrong way, talk in a tone that's not received well or do nothing at all.

Do not put up with someone who uses silent treatment it's the sign of an abusive, emotionally unintelligent person. If you continue with that for years it will strip you of self esteem and you will become a shell, dancing to his tune and it can also make you very ill.

If I knew what I know now I would have left the first time it happened.

FrostieBoabby · 04/11/2023 16:36

Tell him today to dnsp out of it and this is the last time he gives you the silence treatment, next time you'll walk away.

Mumtime2 · 04/11/2023 16:47

Does he have a problem with communicating? Or needs time to think?
If you need some understanding then demand he talk to you and that his behaviour solves nothing.
You need to talk to know where he is at, he needs to talk to resolve whatever is going on.

unsync · 04/11/2023 16:53

My exH used to do this. It is emotional abuse. I would also get "if you don't know what you've done wrong, I'm not going to tell you". 🙄 Get rid of him, it will only get worse.

wited · 04/11/2023 16:55

One of the worse girls of emotional abuse

Your stomach will be like it's got a lump of concrete in. Feeling sick and anxious.

Ring a bell? Cos he knows how you're feeling and he likes it.

wited · 04/11/2023 16:56

Kinds. Not girls.

DeerWatch · 04/11/2023 16:57

It will get a whole lot worse, silent treatment is emotional abuse. My mother was like that towards me. I left home as soon as I could and she has made my father's life hell for 50 years.

Plumful · 04/11/2023 16:58

Get rid and raise your standards.

Fleamaker · 04/11/2023 17:00

Ask him calmly 'are you ok, why aren't you speaking?'

If he still doesn't say anything, 'ok can't help if you won't talk. Let me know when you want to talk'

And then walk away and let him contact you. It's his problem, not yours.

Original poster
3sausagedogs · 04/11/2023 17:01

He’s awful at communication but he only has to say… I’m upset because of this or I need a few days etc and I would respect that! It 💯 feels like I’m going to be sick, concrete in my stomach, scared, anxious etc he’s fully in control and it feels like he doesn’t care

OP posts:
Fleamaker · 04/11/2023 17:04

It's very cruel. Why would he make you feel like this? Just leave him to it, very difficult but the more you fuss him the worse he'll be. Just put it all back to him.
It's abusive yes.

CheekyHobson · 04/11/2023 17:12

feels like I’m going to be sick, concrete in my stomach, scared, anxious etc he’s fully in control and it feels like he doesn’t care

The way to take back a feeling of control is to decide you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusing you, send him a message telling him that you are worth better than the way he is treating you so you’re ending the relationship, block him so he can’t manipulate his way back with lies about how he won’t do it again (he will, or he will find another way to emotionally abuse you) and focus on processing and moving on from this relationship.

RamblingRosiePosy · 04/11/2023 17:16

He's using silence as a tool. Do not engage. Get out and enjoy yourself, do not tolerate such immature behaviour. There is nothing sexier than a man who can communicate civilly what he wants.