Silence treatment in a relationship

[3sausagedogs]

Help… Whenever my boyfriend gets cross with me he ignores me. Sometimes he just ignores me for ages, this time it’s been 2 days. We messaged about plans over the weekend and for some reason he’s obviously got angry because he’s not replying, I’ve asked him what’s happening and asked him to communicate with me and he is just giving me the silent treatment? Does anyone else have this and how long does it last? Is he ending things? It’s horrible getting the silent treatment

You haven't done anything wrong, please understand that.

Stop trying to find a reason that makes sense to you why he's acting like this, because you won't find it. Don't bother trying to understand why he does stuff to hurt you, because again you won't. You'll never really understand why he is the way he is, because he's abusive and you're not. Your brain work in a completely different way to his.

You don't have to accept being treated this way.

It's so scary and frustrating to read your posts because I know he's going to get back in touch, and I just know you're going to be so relieved and grateful you're going to put this all behind you and continue your relationship with this horrible man. In fact you're gonna end up apologising to him for this! I know this because I've been there. I really wish I'd had this advice when my ex started behaving this way.

I don’t see how he can get in touch now?? How do you come back after this? I’m done with loosing sleep and feeling shit

You don't come back to him, you go away from him. I'd block and ignore. Dump him.

He will when he wants to get laid. He likes it when you fawn over him, so grateful he's being nice to you again. Like a dog that's been kicked and getting some affection.

You need to tell him to get fucked when he gets in touch and never contact you again. He's an abuser and they just get worse.

You don’t ‘come back after this’, hence everyone’s replies.

DONT BOTHER REPLYING ANYONE ELSE!!

You're wasting your time. The op isnt able to listen.

That's unfair. It's very clear to you but when you are stuck in this, it's very confusing. I spent 8'years dealing with it. If you're a regular on Mumsnet, no doubt you would have replied to my many many posts telling me to leave. It's not that simple.

It’s not that I’m not listening, I’m asking for advice x

And you've been given it. Dump him.

You have your advice. Dump him

They always get back in touch, and when they do they act like everything's normal and like nothing happened. The victim of it is so relieved for the anguish to be over and that they're speaking again, that they happily facilitate the charade, playing along and pretending everything's normal and fine.

It's so easy to come back from it when you simply pretend nothing even happened.

It can be a hard thing to process and understand why but you need to think not everyone thinks the same as you do and people who do this kind of mind games or are abusive certainly don't. They thrive and get a rise on using, controlling and destroying people.

Nothing they do makes sense to a normal person and it's that way by design. You're so busy trying to figure it out you're unaware you are being worn down and stripped of who you are. Eventually you will comply, brush any bad behavior off because you've been brainwashed to think it's you.

It's not you, it's him. He's bad news, a manipulator. Don't waste any more energy on him, block and stop any avenue he has to you.

You send one final text and mean it - along the lines of 'Our relationship is over and you're blocked' Then block! It takes strength but you will be doing yourself the biggest favour ever. You can always come back on here for support. Good luck!

Sorry for my out of order comment 😔

It is stonewalling and a classic emotional abuse tactic.

he only has to say… I’m upset because of this or I need a few days etc and I would respect that!

But you shouldn't ever have to put up with a boyfriend not speaking to you for days. That's not ok, whether he 'needs' it or not. Your needs are important too, and you need a boyfriend that fulfills the basics of being a boyfriend, like saying hi, asking how you're doing, having a conversation etc.

Also it's unlikely he's doing it because he needs a few days, or at least not solely for that reason. He will know it's upsetting for you, but he carries on doing it. That's not ok.

PP's are right, just block. He's hurtful.

OP the PP responses on here are spot on and unanimous.
Who cares what his reasons are for this or even if he has any? He will have used this tactic before and he will have had some success with it. In fact it’s working on you. You wonder what you did. You’ve begged him to talk to you. You’ve waited all weekend to hear. You’re asking us how long you might need to wait.
He will 100% be back in touch - this type like to know if they have a hold on you. He’ll expect you to be so grateful he came back that you won’t mention it. But he’ll do it again sooner than ever.
Block him. Don’t bother sending a message he won’t care. It won’t hurt him. Take the power back. Fill your spare time with seeing friends and make sure you have plans next weekend. It’s hard to do at first but it will get easier. One day you’ll realise you didn’t think about him. Then you’ll realise you wouldn’t want him even if he came back begging.

Move on OP. There are better out there.

Like a PP my DH did this once as he'd learnt the behaviour from his narc dad.
I say once as I made it absolutely clear it would break our relationship if he tried it again. He's had therapy due to the messed upness of his upbringing.

During the silent treatment I ignored him right back and got on with my life. We were living together by then. He was the one who broke the silence after a week and that was when I told him it was unacceptable.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a full on narc and won't change.
Save yourself a lot of grief and leave him.

Walk away now. I have literally just been through this. He used the silent treatment as a form of control but of course denies this but he turned me into a wreck hence the username. Run now while you can. Seriously they do not change they get worse.

My advice - the same as jusy about everyone else's - is to get rid of him.

HE IS ABUSIVE.

That's why he's doing it. Not because you've done anything wrong. You'd know if you'd done something wrong, surely? And in any case, even if you'd done something wrong, he's tretaing you appallingly. Even if I'm mad at my DH I don't ignore him. Because I love and respect him.

Your bf isn't treating you with respect. He isn't treating you with care. Certainly nothing like love.

He is ignoring you because he's abusive. Because he doesn't care about your feelings. He wants you to be on edge and to be worried and uncertain. It gives him a power over you. That or he just enjoys making people miserable.

At the very least, he is immature and incapable of having a proper grown up relationship.

Seriously, why do you want to be with someone who is capable of treating you like this; making you feel so bad? And not caring? In fact, he seems to be quite happy to make you unhappy.

Take back your power. Block him and ignore any future contact. You know what he's like and what he's capable of. You deserve better.

How old are you and how long you been with him?

@3sausagedogs
It doesn't matter what he is; you are unhappy. That alone is reason enough for ending it. You don't need to understand his behavior or the reasons for the behavior. It is sufficient to know that you cannot live with the behavior. It does not matter if it is abuse or a blessing; in either case it is making you unhappy.

I’m 39 and we’ve been together since the start of the year. He’s been fine up until 2 weeks ago when he’s lashed out a couple of times and he tried this before and I called him to make up and talk it through. This time I haven’t called or messaged

Well done OP. He hasn't been in touch so I suggest just blocking him. You'll feel better for it.