Silence treatment in a relationship

[3sausagedogs]

Help… Whenever my boyfriend gets cross with me he ignores me. Sometimes he just ignores me for ages, this time it’s been 2 days. We messaged about plans over the weekend and for some reason he’s obviously got angry because he’s not replying, I’ve asked him what’s happening and asked him to communicate with me and he is just giving me the silent treatment? Does anyone else have this and how long does it last? Is he ending things? It’s horrible getting the silent treatment

Textbook narcissism. What’s really scary is in his head, he will be justified because of some tiny little thing you’ve done or haven’t done. It’s all about control, if narcissists perceive any reason to feel threatened or disrespected they completely lose the ability to feel any positive emotions towards a person. So he probably feels totally ok with making you feel like shit - delighted in fact, because right now he probably genuinely wants to punish you. Please please don’t stay with him. It will get worse and it destroys you. He has showed you who he is, and narcissists just don’t change - they can’t see why they need to, they don’t want to, and they won’t.

It's abusive and horrible.

Your bf is basically saying: 'when you say or do anything I don't like, I won't talk to you like a normal adult would; I'll ignore you'.

Well, that's pretty immature. You deserve better than that!

Why have you decided to let someone control you to this extent?

My DH used to do this when we were first married. He learned the behaviour from his Dad who did this to his Mum.
Like PP, I ignored it and told him if he was going to act like a toddler, I would treat him like a toddler and ignore the behaviour I don’t want repeated.
Once you don’t respond in the way they expect ( anxious and giving them the power over the communication), and just get on with your life, they realise their behaviour is not having the desired effect and the behaviour stops.

Stonewalling. Classic emotional abuse.

LTB

Your oh is playing a dangerous game!

I had an ex who got in a fizz because I came home late from a perfectly genuine sales meeting that had over-run. I'd called him at 5.30 to say it was over-running so he had no reason to fizz.

The following week, he 'disappeared'. Didn't show up, didn't answer his phone or texts etc. Gave me the silent treatment for two weeks. I know the receptionist at his work and I checked, he was still working.

So I bolted the back door for which he had a key and used the front door.

After two weeks he rang. I didn't answer. Got on with my life including finding someone new.

Please listen to the excellent advice that’s been given. So what happens, at some stage he deigns to speak, you thru relief that the silence is over, see him as being ‘nice’ and rush in thru relief and over compensate with gratitude, just wanting everything to go back to ‘normal’. Trouble is this situation isn’t normal at all. Unless you make changes what you’ve got is what you’ll continue to get.

I'm in a similar situation, had a few episodes of the silent treatment, including leaving me alone in a hotel room in Italy with me having no idea where he'd gone or when or if he'd be back. The latest episode has been 4 days after I'd hung up on him after he accused me of being drunk as I'd fallen into a ditch walking my dogs, at 2 in the afternoon. When I challenged him that this was offensive, the reply was 'just saying'
My anxious side thinks I should get in touch as I was the one to hang up, its such a toxic game

To the posters that say they ignore, act like normal and the behaviour changes. How do you ignore and act like normal? Do you still communicate with them like normal and they just don’t respond. Or do you mean that you just ignore them back and go on with your life not including them?

That is exactly how he wants you to feel.

Take our advice and get rid of him. Personally I just wouldn't be in touch with him again and would force him to get in touch that way. Then I would say I wasn't interested in an abusive relationship.

I have two exes who did this. The first one was violent and verbally abusive too so it was easy to see the silent treatment as part of his abuse. He didn't speak to me for a week once because of some perceived slight. It's far too outing for me to put here but it made it obvious he was just insane. My last ex was more covert so I tied myself in knots trying to work out what it was about me that made him give me the silent treatment, although it was more of the cold shoulder really. I also thought it must be a sign he wanted to end things. When I'd suggest this he said I was the only one talking about breaking up but then he'd say we might eventually have to break up over the issue he was giving me the silent treatment over. It was a headfuck. I thought maybe I have an anxious attachment style, I'll work on that. It didn't help. I don't think the whole attachment theory thing is useful in these situations. If someone you love is ignoring you it's normal to feel distressed. I also don't believe it's a communication issue. I didn't learn communication skills growing up. My parents communicated through screaming, insults, punches and kicks. They'd ignore me for months on end sometimes. I don't ignore people when I feel hurt. I tell them. People who use the silent treatment are abusive. There might be very sad reasons why they've become like that but why should you suffer because of it.

I'm not the OP but finding all this advice very helpful. Very grateful for all the wisdom. It is scary how common this is.

Any thoughts on the replies people have typed out, @3sausagedogs ?
There is zero reason to date an abuser. Ditch him, do extensive work on your standards and how to see red flags, how to avoid dating abusers.

It's emotional immaturity which ends up being an abuse.

In your place I would try to confront him saying "if you don't communicate what is the problem, problems will get worse for us to a no return point". If he values the relationships that you guys have, he will act on improving the situation. I think you would need to try hard to get feelings out of him and idk how you could make this happen but some therapy, hypnotherapy or couple courses would help, depending on the man of course.

I would suggest to not give up if you have love and try to work things out, mutually!

@3sausagedogs
I don't necessarily think wanting time to yourself or feeling the need to be quiet is abusive. I do think if this is a part of your partner's personality and response patterns that you find unacceptable for you, that you should not feel compelled to tolerate it. It is a sign of incompatibility. You neither have to defend or justify differences in personality types. You simply recognize that it is a pattern with which you cannot or choose not to live.

Why are you waiting to determine if he is breaking up with you? If you do not find his response patterns acceptable, you should be ending the relationship because of your discomfort and unhappiness.

You are surrendering your control to him. If he does not bother to respond , go on with your life. Your life should not revolve around his calling. This is not some teenage romance.

End it with him, and find a partner with more compatible communication skills.

My confusion is based around the fact that I don’t see what I have actually done wrong. I messaged asking him to clarify something as he didn’t reply. I then messaged hours later saying I wasn’t sure what was going on so could we find a way to communicate and that was Friday. I’ve not heard since. If he was angry he could say why, if he needed space he could say, if he wanted to end things he could say. To me the silence feels like a punishment and I can’t see why? Or where we go from this? Do we never speak again? I hate being treated like this and whether he’s doing it as a punishment or because he doesn’t care - both are unkind. Do I want to live like this no. I haven’t slept for 3 night and a permanently feel sick, but everyday it feels better. I haven’t seen him to end it, I don’t feel like I will hear from him again

why the hell is he not an EX BF?????? the weekend is over now and no contact?|#

Have you not read the replies @3sausagedogs ? Obviously dump him. Abusers do it because they enjoy it. Do self-work before dating again.

(You don’t need to see him to dump him. Extend him the same courtesy and ghost him, or just text ‘I no longer find you attractive. The relationship is over. No need to reply, all the best.’

Why is your bar so low?

My dad was the expert at this. He could go 2 weeks without speaking to my mum. Great example to his kids !

@3sausagedogs

My confusion is based around the fact that I don’t see what I have actually done wrong.

You don't have to 'do anything wrong' for a man like this to start trying to control you. If you haven't really pissed them off they'll make something up or just get all huffy for no reason. The idea is to keep you guessing and confused until you don't know which way is up, and then they've got you. Also, he likes doing it, it makes him feel big. If you stay with this man, and especially if you have kids with him, your life will be shit for years, or maybe for ever.

@3sausagedogs

@3sausagedogs

Decide that it is over for you and move on with your life. You don't need to make an announcement as he does not seem to need that type of communication.

Sometimes people do it out of desperation because their partner never compromises on anything (so there's no point talking about it) or they're genuinely angry.

Others do it to emotionally punish the other person, withdraw affection and contact because they know it'll be painful, and put them in a sub-ordinate position. It's basically a power struggle, and can be a very effective controlling tool on some people, so watch out for that. It often gets worse and worse as they get older.

You haven't done anything wrong that's how it works, it's all mind games to make you doubt and question yourself just like you are now.

If that relationship was to proceed it would get worse, more frequent and longer durations over nothing at all other than just to make you feel like shit. Then, on top of that silent treatment you would likely have anger and quite possibly unlimited rage thrown your way.

Silent treatment is one tool in the abusive toolbox, they don't just do one, they have a whole arsenal.

You haven't done anything wrong!!! He's manipulative and it's working. You are questioning yourself.

Been there. Get out now - it will get worse.

Beat him at his own shitty game by blocking him. You can't live like this and neither do you deserve to.