Page 4 | 3 months since we split....my friends found him on a dating app... feeling devastated

Onehouratatime · 2023-11-04T00:58:29+00:00

Just that really..... We split 3 months ago - he was innapropriate with another women on more than one occasion... I told him he needed to back away a little from this women as its crossing my boundaries and hurting me (when I say innapropriate I mean highly innapropriate) or i couldn't do "us" anymore ....he got up packed a bag..took his ds and left! I asked him to come back..begged Infact how embarrassing...and work through it together. He didn't. He blocked me instead. After 15 months together... 2 months ago after we broken up we spoke and he told me he still wanted his future with me and he still loved me so much and adored me... Tonight my friend found him on a dating app... New pictures uploaded the whole shibang Just feel sad 😔

PersephonePomegranate23 · 04/11/2023 09:17

Oh, please! You're not missing him, you're missing having someone.

You need to get busy, occupy your time with worthwhile things, bolster your self esteem so that a bag of trash doesn't look attractive.

PixiePirate · 04/11/2023 09:19

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:13

I think it's my pride because I actually don't miss him at all..he was boring and really not cutting it for the relationship anyway...

Thank you I'll push through

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I understand. It’s hard when he’s taken up so much of your emotional headspace and then you see him back on the apps, seemingly without a care in the world.

People like that drift around being flaky users. You really are well rid.

Please focus on lots of self-care and time spent with loved ones (ideally not discussing him). Literally make yourself push him out of your head every time you think of him. You’ll soon be feeling a lot better 🩷

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:31

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:07

Sending you the biggest hug. I've been here and got the t shirt. There are 2 different types of people in the world..loyal genuine ones and shady dishonest ones. Many many women have been In your shoes..including me. Your a nice loyal partner. You love your partner. Respect him and care for him. So to find out he would do you wrong like this is causing you emotional pain.

Like I said I've been here and I'm still in a relationship that's turning out more and more hard to trust in. I've had the full works. Messaging women..splitting up with me for 6 weeks to pursue a woman on tinder. Texting his ex for 2 years when we got together. Lying to me about what he's attracted to. He would literally find a bond with a woman wherever he went. He drove me mad.

He may be on dating apps. But he's still a dick with no respect for relationships. He still thinks he's entitled to more than he has. All relationships become settled and normal. What's he gunna do? Spend the rest of his life flirting with other women behind his partners back because he needs the extra thrill. He's heading one way and that's towards being alone. He will remain in this pattern for years. He will try drag you into it because deep down he's a big scaredy cat who doesn't want to be abandoned.

I'm so sorry your in that situation. It causes the biggest pain! Will you leave?

His left left him for the exact same reason as me.... he used to call her paranoid and crazy...how did I not see these red flags?! He's 10 whole years older than me and looks it also, I literally cared and loved him and his son and took everything on... he became another child to be (ex not his son) a big man baby.... what was I doing? I would of pushed past being bored if of worked on us and made us happy regardless if made small changes but he ultimately just got his stuff and went.... eye opening really

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Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:33

PixiePirate · 04/11/2023 09:19

I understand. It’s hard when he’s taken up so much of your emotional headspace and then you see him back on the apps, seemingly without a care in the world.

People like that drift around being flaky users. You really are well rid.

Please focus on lots of self-care and time spent with loved ones (ideally not discussing him). Literally make yourself push him out of your head every time you think of him. You’ll soon be feeling a lot better 🩷

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Yes I will do that thanks for the advice I'm going to push on and continue on my little journey to life without him. Its been better recently not thinking of him often...like I say my mental health is better now he's not around constantly telling me my mental health is on the floor funny what other people telling you things can make you believe right?

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Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:34

I literally cared and loved him and his son and took everything on

why did you do this barely a year into a relationship?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 04/11/2023 09:36

My first thought is that your "friend" is a shit-stirrer and needs to wind their neck in...

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:39

PersephonePomegranate23 · 04/11/2023 09:17

Oh, please! You're not missing him, you're missing having someone.

You need to get busy, occupy your time with worthwhile things, bolster your self esteem so that a bag of trash doesn't look attractive.

Self esteem improvements are a 100% must
Thank you

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Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:41

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:34

I literally cared and loved him and his son and took everything on

why did you do this barely a year into a relationship?

Just my nature I'm a do-er I get stuff done. He was disorganised and very much a last minute person. I did far too much for him. He was actually pretty useless

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HalliwellManor · 04/11/2023 09:41

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 08:51

Following on from my reply do you know of any good books/apps for finding yourself and improving your boundaries and self esteem by any chance? Clearly I knew my boundaries just didn't follow through to protect them when they were broken until it was 6 times later x

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There's a great book on Amazon called 'Women who love too much',and another called 'Getting over your breakup' or 'Getting past your break up'.It's been a few years since I brought them so can't remember the exact title of the second book but I found them super helpful xx

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:43

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 09:09

Don’t bother with a book op in the short term.

just keep off the apps. And make a promise to yourself that you are not going to date and just focus on you, your work, your family, your friends and - your children

Then - after you’ve well and truly got yourself in a good place… then buy a book (but still no dating!)

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OK good plan! Thank you

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Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:45

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:41

Just my nature I'm a do-er I get stuff done. He was disorganised and very much a last minute person. I did far too much for him. He was actually pretty useless

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You need better boundaries in relationships. It's not your job to take over care for a grown man and his child. You give too much of yourself and on this occasion you've given it to a man who definitely didn't deserve it. It's also very unfair on children to do this. You took a parenting role in the life of a child who should have only been spending occasional fun time with you and now you've gone from his life.

Epidote · 04/11/2023 09:46

He is full of shit, take your time to forget him.

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:49

Mines 15 years older than me and he ex was 10 years younger than him. She was treated the same. She Stayed friends with him for 3 years after they split supporting him through his struggles. When we got together she was triangulated with me. He was causing so much drama but was so clever. I have been told by a couple of people his ex treated him like a king and he got on fb and rubbed women into her face until she stopped loving him.

Well we split up a couple of nights ago when he hurled abuse at me down the phone. I saw pictures of another woman on his phone last week. He won't ever change. But we have stuff to sort aswel.

I feel angry for every woman put through this pain. Its so appalling that adult men behave this way.

Seaoftroubles · 04/11/2023 09:57

OP, good you've already noted he was boring, so make a list of all his other bad points too. This man was red flag city! Also good that he is blocked, keep it that way! You might like to consider doing the Freedom programme to help you see how toxic your relationship was and to strengthen your boundaries. Also have a look at Baggage reclaim and read Mr Unavailable and the Fall back girl by Natalie Lue. Above all value yourself, be grateful you got rid and give yourself a pat on the back. Well done!

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 09:59

95wastheyear · 04/11/2023 09:49

Mines 15 years older than me and he ex was 10 years younger than him. She was treated the same. She Stayed friends with him for 3 years after they split supporting him through his struggles. When we got together she was triangulated with me. He was causing so much drama but was so clever. I have been told by a couple of people his ex treated him like a king and he got on fb and rubbed women into her face until she stopped loving him.

Well we split up a couple of nights ago when he hurled abuse at me down the phone. I saw pictures of another woman on his phone last week. He won't ever change. But we have stuff to sort aswel.

I feel angry for every woman put through this pain. Its so appalling that adult men behave this way.

I am so so sorry op if you want to dm me and vent I'm all ears

Sort the stuff that needs sorting and try your best to move forward like me we can do it together if you like x

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LadyCuntington · 04/11/2023 10:01

It's been 3m. Move on darling - he certainly has.

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 10:03

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/11/2023 09:45

You need better boundaries in relationships. It's not your job to take over care for a grown man and his child. You give too much of yourself and on this occasion you've given it to a man who definitely didn't deserve it. It's also very unfair on children to do this. You took a parenting role in the life of a child who should have only been spending occasional fun time with you and now you've gone from his life.

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I do need better boundaries. Your right. Lesson learnt the rather hard way! 31 and single learning and changing for the better is my new approach to life.... while ex 41 and single going nowhere with his life (literally) and I'm not going to involve any children for a long while and only ever if red flags arnt waving around .. 7 months in and the first red flag x

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Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 10:07

Epidote · 04/11/2023 09:46

He is full of shit, take your time to forget him.

He is ! His mouth moved alot and his body didn't I said this to him alot....

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DixonD · 04/11/2023 10:11

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 08:45

I agree with all you've wrote. Massively!

I'm taking a Massive break from men. That's why I can't understand how he can be on a dating app already. He does get alot more child free time than me his sons mum does the majority and he has every other weekend to himself so he has more scope for dating however mentally regardless just wow he can actively look for a relationship already.

I'm working on my self now and next year as a minimum before even considering dating. I should of left ex 8 months before I did I hold my hands up for that. My picker is pickled

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Because he’s not as bothered as you are.

Three months isn’t that short a time, especially after only 15 months of being together. I agree with others though, he was probably on there way before then.

Original poster

Onehouratatime · 04/11/2023 10:17

DixonD · 04/11/2023 10:11

Because he’s not as bothered as you are.

Three months isn’t that short a time, especially after only 15 months of being together. I agree with others though, he was probably on there way before then.

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Noticed a pattern with him of approx every 2 years maybe just under his relationships fall apart. 3 relationships in 6 years. He faked a future made future plans with me and then did the opposite (thankfully) example...planned on going onto a 6 month contract for his rented house when his contract tenancy was up and then move onto a rolling contract with a view to move in with me possibly Jan 2025 if we were alright and happy obviously.... his contacted ended in June I mentioned it on July and he said oh yeah I've signed another year..... the future he planned with me was obviously fake 🙄

Gaslighting me about my mental health.
Always had to do 1 better
Always had to be right
Couldn't handle any form of criticism
Always said communication is key but ran away instead of communicating anything
No chat...would stare at the tv of an evening and not even speak to me

The list goes on however the other women comments and gawping are the thing that I just couldn't deal with

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Ilovelurchers · 04/11/2023 10:32

crimsonlake · 04/11/2023 09:06

I agree your choice of men is appalling.
Given his history of being inappropriate with women multiple times on what planet can you be surprised he is on a dating app?? The only thing I would be be surprised it took him so long if I were you!
Concentrate on your children not this waste of space.

Well, you speaking to her like that has doubtless made a huge difference to her self esteem and made her feel much better about herself!

OP, you made a mistake when you picked this one - loads of us do it. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you on some essential level, it just happens.

Move on, let him be somebody else's problem. You can do a lot better. If you want a relationship that is. But please don't take on this idea that it was wom fault or weakness in you that made you open to being treated like this. That is victim blaming and it's horrible and sadly these boards are rife with it.

It's not your fault he was a dick. It's his fault he was a dick.

Flipdiddle · 04/11/2023 11:07

Op you’ve gone from feeling “devastated” and “sad 😞 “

to he was a “slimeball” and “very boring”

I think that you are telling us what you think you want us to hear you say rather than what you actually feel

you want to be in a relationship and you were happy to accept a cretin

that is going to take more than an hour Ona mumsnet thread to overcome.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 04/11/2023 11:30

DixonD · 04/11/2023 10:11

Because he’s not as bothered as you are.

Three months isn’t that short a time, especially after only 15 months of being together. I agree with others though, he was probably on there way before then.

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People have different ways of coping with breakups. My ex was a serial monogamist who would move on immediately from every relationship (which I should have clocked, but he told me a lot of stuff to the contrary which I stupidly believed). This seems to be a lot more common with men as well. In some people moving on really quickly, or going on the rebound, is a way of coping with the end of a relationship you cared about. I think insisting to the OP that he was probably cheating (at least in fantasy/emotionally) already isn’t going to help and at this point it doesn’t matter, with respect.

izzygirlis4 · 04/11/2023 11:35

But you're not together. He is perfectly entitled to be on a dating site if he wishes.

TheShellBeach · 04/11/2023 11:35

...........I was actually very bored In the relationship and hoped we would improve...........

Ugh. Yet you sent him pervy pics?

Raise your standards.