3 months since we split....my friends found him on a dating app... feeling devastated

[Onehouratatime]

Just that really.....
We split 3 months ago - he was innapropriate with another women on more than one occasion... I told him he needed to back away a little from this women as its crossing my boundaries and hurting me (when I say innapropriate I mean highly innapropriate) or i couldn't do "us" anymore ....he got up packed a bag..took his ds and left!

I asked him to come back..begged Infact how embarrassing...and work through it together. He didn't. He blocked me instead. After 15 months together...

2 months ago after we broken up we spoke and he told me he still wanted his future with me and he still loved me so much and adored me...

Tonight my friend found him on a dating app... New pictures uploaded the whole shibang

Just feel sad 😔

Exactly how I felt...told him he broke my heart asking for pictures and he said he was just trying to make light of a heavy conversation like WHAT

He was obviously not right for you. Know your worth OP. Virtual hug

I left my first husband after 5 years and he was with someone else within 6 weeks. Some people hate being alone. Tbh he was still with her 10 years later if not more might have stalked him a bit

Yes it was a bit of a moment when I found out - for me it was 2 years before I went on a date. But so what? How did it affect me?

I personally think if you're having conversations about how you both need to change massively after 15 months you should just walk away. People don't really change that much, or at least not for other people. Find someone it's easy to be with.

Oh goodness OP

ok, I’m going to be harsh here.

but your choice in men is appalling. Appalling. And the fact you’re pining for him is… unfathomable. And to make matters worse… money that could have been spent on your children, is now lining his pockets.

So… you need a break from men. A long one. And when you reenter you need to be much more savvy and not introduce any man to your children for a long long time

Big hugs!

One day you’ll be over him and pity his pathetic self.

Till then, be kind to yourself and ask your friends to refrain from reporting back to you- it’s not necessary and good for you to know this information. I’m sure they didn’t mean to upset you but it’s a case of what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

x

OP please.... PLEASE... For your own sake... Block this man's number and do not contact him again!

I agree with all you've wrote. Massively!

I'm taking a Massive break from men. That's why I can't understand how he can be on a dating app already. He does get alot more child free time than me his sons mum does the majority and he has every other weekend to himself so he has more scope for dating however mentally regardless just wow he can actively look for a relationship already.

I'm working on my self now and next year as a minimum before even considering dating. I should of left ex 8 months before I did I hold my hands up for that. My picker is pickled

@crumpet I’ve had this experience and that’s why I advise not talking to friends. A mutual friend of my ex’s revealed to me about a year after he left me (two year relationship, he left me by hanging up the phone in the middle of a conversation and completely ghosting me) that on three different occasions he had been telling her he was in love with someone else and that his periods of silent treatment had coincided with that, only until he worked out it was unviable and came back to the reliable source of sex and adulation that I was. She also told me he was engaged to one of my past very good friends and had started seeing her and being very vocal about it a week after we split up. I didn’t need to know that as there was little chance I’d see him again, and mentally reprocessing and putting my relationship in a whole new light has caused problems in my current relationship with trust, insecurity etc.

I know it’s well meant but hearing “you’re better off without him” or expectations that you’ll get over him faster doesn’t stop you feeling shit as love/attraction is biological - addicts don’t miss their drugs less just because the drugs ruined their life and being in love is quite similar to addiction.

I have love. And don't worry he blocked me first on everything... randomly just vanished one evening when I didn't reply to him

Thanks all for your virtual hugs and support.

The funny things is all this pictures are super old on his dating profile and the only new one he's uploaded is a picture he sent to me which he looks awful in... he's also stated he's 5ft 10 on his profile he's not..he's 5ft 5 ...5ft 5 at a huge push... the lies are there the off haha

I'm so sorry you went through that darling.... 😔 I understand the pain that must of caused

Following on from my reply do you know of any good books/apps for finding yourself and improving your boundaries and self esteem by any chance? Clearly I knew my boundaries just didn't follow through to protect them when they were broken until it was 6 times later x

OP your friends did you a favour.
This relationship exists more in your mind not reality
You can do better.
Start doing something about your low esteem and relationships expectations , counselling if necessary
Your vulnerable at the moment

@BeingGivenMoney This is exactly my thinking !
If they do it when with you of course they will
continue when you split.

OP he’s a slim ball and your well rid . Please please don’t go anywhere near him again .
Block the lier and move on . He using you .

I agree your choice of men is appalling.
Given his history of being inappropriate with women multiple times on what planet can you be surprised he is on a dating app?? The only thing I would be be surprised it took him so long if I were you!
Concentrate on your children not this waste of space.

Sending you the biggest hug. I've been here and got the t shirt. There are 2 different types of people in the world..loyal genuine ones and shady dishonest ones. Many many women have been In your shoes..including me. Your a nice loyal partner. You love your partner. Respect him and care for him. So to find out he would do you wrong like this is causing you emotional pain.

Like I said I've been here and I'm still in a relationship that's turning out more and more hard to trust in. I've had the full works. Messaging women..splitting up with me for 6 weeks to pursue a woman on tinder. Texting his ex for 2 years when we got together. Lying to me about what he's attracted to. He would literally find a bond with a woman wherever he went. He drove me mad.

He may be on dating apps. But he's still a dick with no respect for relationships. He still thinks he's entitled to more than he has. All relationships become settled and normal. What's he gunna do? Spend the rest of his life flirting with other women behind his partners back because he needs the extra thrill. He's heading one way and that's towards being alone. He will remain in this pattern for years. He will try drag you into it because deep down he's a big scaredy cat who doesn't want to be abandoned.

He sounds awful! It may not feel like it now because you still miss him but you've had a lucky escape.

Don’t bother with a book op in the short term.

just keep off the apps. And make a promise to yourself that you are not going to date and just focus on you, your work, your family, your friends and - your children

Then - after you’ve well and truly got yourself in a good place… then buy a book (but still no dating!)

I’m confused as to whether you’re missing him as a partner or your pride is hurt.

You said he has been highly inappropriate with other women, seemed to enjoy you begging to get back with him and then asked you for money and photos? And now he’s on the lookout for some other mug he can leech off.

I doesn’t make any sense to me - treat it as a lucky escape and embrace the opportunities ahead of you. He’s just shit on your shoe! x

My ex, after 10 years together, was on Tinder the night we broke up and had some woman in his bed 4 days after this. There are quite a lot of shitty men out there who will happily stick it anywhere OP.

He is a slime ball.

Looking at other women blatantly when we were out and about just standard example of that never mind the rest!

Well he apparently wanted a future with you while chasing other women previously didn't he? This is who he is. He's never going to be faithful. Don't let this upset you any more than he's already upset you. He's clearly sexually incontinent.

I think it's my pride because I actually don't miss him at all..he was boring and really not cutting it for the relationship anyway...

Thank you I'll push through

You make a massive point. Think he's got info my head that much that his behaviour with other women is just friendly (it bloody wasn't btw no women would accept what he did) that I've failed to see he was doing this shit all along...just not on a dating app

Thanks, OP. I was devastated for ages but although it caused some problems I’m still dealing with, it did make me start addressing my relationship style, self-esteem etc. in therapy and I’m now much better at communication and it’s helping me navigate my current relationship better. There are still issues but at least we have really honest communication and I’m not walking on eggshells like a doormat (terrible mixed metaphor).

In terms of resources, you could try Why Men Love Bitches - flip title but it helped me as someone with zero self-esteem understand why certain self-protective, confident etc behaviours are actually attractive as well as much healthier. I can’t think of any more individual books off the top of my head but have a browse on Amazon, maybe read some reviews or try a sample to see what might be helpful for you.

If you’ve the money you could also try counselling, compassion-focused therapy (I’m currently doing that at the suggestion of my psychologist due to very low self-esteem) or you can get relationship counselling eg with Relate by yourself if you want to focus particularly on your approach to relationships. I’ve also been recommended CODA a couple of times and I know someone who found it really helpful, but maybe dip your toe in to start with as some people (me included) find it counterproductive. It’s free, though, with accessible online meetings.