DP has lied about smoking….again

[Yupppp]

I’m kind of at the end of my tether here. After several lies about cigarettes over the years, DP promised me faithfully he would smoke just one cigarette a day, when he gets home from work. Turns out he also smokes on his way into work in the morning (I deduced this from a conversation he had on social media with someone today, I won’t boringly explain here).
So I asked him when he got home tonight and he was able to lie to my face for 10 minutes, and even get impatient with me for not believing him, before I told him to start giving me some effing respect and tell the truth, and he admitted that yes he has also been smoking at work.
it’s about the smoking but it’s also about his ability to lie insistently to me. There’s no sign that he’s lied to me about more sinister stuff over the years but it still leaves me with the question of whether I am actually sharing my life with a slippery bastard. Any thoughts are very welcome.

I knew my OH was having the odd cigarette could smell it on his clothes, the car. But I didn't think it was as serious as you seem to. Told him that I knew but it was his life, health he was damaging. He did stop eventually.

Can’t you smell it on him? Yuk sorry bad enough smoking but he’s a lying weasel at least own up if you’re caught out don’t blatantly lie I’d be questioning things to, that’s not love or loyalty.

He's a grown up, if he wants to smoke he can smoke. You're a grown up, if you don't want to be with a smoker, leave. You can't police how many cigarettes an adult can have in a day. I don't condone lying but if he knew this would be your reaction I can almost understand why he's been lying. He clearly wants to smoke so either leave him to it, or leave him.

He's an adult and make his own mind up.

It's up to him if he smokes, you need to stop trying to police that.

If it's a deal-breaker to you that he's a smoker - then follow through. He smokes.

He shouldn't be lying to you about it, and he shouldn't be making promises to stop or reduce if he can't/won't manage to keep to it.

But unless he's doing it in the house and affecting the air quality for you/children, it's his decision.

He is an adult. He gets to do what he wants. He is lying to you because you seem to think you are his parent and he is your unruly child not obeying you.

He is lying because you have a very unhealthy and controlling dynamic. Step back and stop trying to control him and what he does. He doesn't need to promise you anything. He can do what he wants as can you. He is sneaking and lying like a child because you are treating him like one.

You can state your view and how you feel and decide what you want to do but he is an adult and can choose to engage in unhealthy choices if he wishes.

I guess the compromise I made was stay with him and for him just to smoke once per day, rather than the binary choice of stay or go. I thought that was working until today. People adapt behaviour all the time to suit the person they love, don’t they?

So horribly controlling. I smoke and had a boyfriend like you once.

It's not for you to dictate. Seriously you are out of control.

So adapt.

Is your name Monica?

Jesus I wish, at least the house would be clean

I'm assuming he smoked when you met him? I think you're being very controlling, to be honest. If he asked you to give something up (Alcohol? Coffee? Chocolate?) then would you?

You sound very controlling. If someone who supposedly loved me insisted on interrogating me about my personal choices, that were perfectly legal and didn't impact them, I'd be pretty pissed off.

You have reminded me of my nanna, died age 103 12 years ago, she always had one cigarette a day up the top of the garden in the evening. My grandpa was 5 years younger and stopped smoking at 60 only to start smoking woodbines again on the day she died.

People adapt behaviour all the time to suit the person they love, don’t they?

Yes they do OP but there is a thin line between adapting / compromise and controlling! I cannot stand partners giving their other halves cigarette or pint limits! 🙄 However his lying about it is very annoying and would frustrate me. But if you didn't try to control it he wouldn't feel he had to lie about it so the vicious circle continues!

But it's unreasonable. Why shouldn't he smoke as much as he likes when he's not in your presence?

A compromise is not smoking around you.
Dictating how many fags he can have a day is not a compromise.

I’m out of control for wanting a promise to be kept? I didn’t put his head in a vice, he agreed freely to do something that he now hasn’t done. I don’t think I’m Christian bloody Gray because I want a Man I love to restrict a disgusting habit.

My dh did this after giving up for a few years. I kept smelling it on him and kept asking if he'd started smoking again. He always denied it. I eventually found a packet of cigarettes in his work bag. For me it wasn't about the smoking, he's an adult and can smoke if he wants to, it was the bare faced lies he kept telling me that I struggled to get over. I now know my dh can look me in the eye and swear blind that black is white .

He told me he lied because admitting it to me, meant he had to own starting again. But that means jack shit to me, he lied and it's eroded a part of our relationship

wow, 105, that’s very impressive! Thanks for sharing

Do you have any unhealthy habits? Does he control what you can eat or drink or what you can do or not do?

You don't see him as an equal and that is an issue. You sound very controlling. It is manipulative to say well I decided you won't do x and if you do it then you don't love me or I will leave you. When someone needs to sneak around and lie about their own personal choices - they usually have an abusive partner. Sounds like he walks on eggshells to avoid your reprimands and punishments for not being a good boy and doing as he is told.

It's probably really difficult for him to restrict it to one a day.

I have never been a smoker, but the people that I know who has quit smoking or tried to quit smoking says it's really hard, and also that the will to quit has to come from within.

It might also be a social thing, the smoking at work? If he has colleagues who smoke, perhaps they smoke together?

Thank you for saying all that, I completely get it. It makes me feel that I’m on shaky ground and cannot rely on someone that I generally regard as one of the only completely trustworthy and consistent people in my life. The fact that he could actually get irritated with me for not believing him just shakes me up. Thanks for understanding.

He is lying to you like a child does because you are acting like his mum. You are not his mother or manager. Be with him and accept who he is or don't be with him. That's your choice.

I don't think people can smoke just one cigarette a day, especially if they are used to smoking a lot more. It's so highly addicting.

He probably lies for an easier life. It doesn't seem that he wants to give up. Either make peace that he smokes, or you'll have to end the relationship.

I completely see where you're coming from though, being around a smoker is disgusting for a non smoker.