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Original poster

DP has lied about smoking….again

110 replies

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:21

I’m kind of at the end of my tether here. After several lies about cigarettes over the years, DP promised me faithfully he would smoke just one cigarette a day, when he gets home from work. Turns out he also smokes on his way into work in the morning (I deduced this from a conversation he had on social media with someone today, I won’t boringly explain here).
So I asked him when he got home tonight and he was able to lie to my face for 10 minutes, and even get impatient with me for not believing him, before I told him to start giving me some effing respect and tell the truth, and he admitted that yes he has also been smoking at work.
it’s about the smoking but it’s also about his ability to lie insistently to me. There’s no sign that he’s lied to me about more sinister stuff over the years but it still leaves me with the question of whether I am actually sharing my life with a slippery bastard. Any thoughts are very welcome.

OP posts:
fitforflight · 03/11/2023 20:50

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 20:47

Sure how could it be a personal attack, we don’t know each other, I could be sitting here chortling away with a Marlboro in each hand for all you know.

Aggressive, no. Defensive, probably yep.

Show quote history

Okay well we'll have to agree to disagree, good luck with your dilemma.

WildFlowerBees · 03/11/2023 20:53

Instead of focusing on the lie, look at why he lied.

booksandbrooks · 03/11/2023 21:00

I think when you're in a relationship with a controlling person it can become easier to lie than one would imagine.

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 21:05

But isn’t lying a form of control? Isn’t he attempting to control my reactions by controlling what information I have access to?

OP posts:
StephanieLampshade · 03/11/2023 21:14

Your responses really just show someone struggling with the concept of a partner being an autonomous being.

Youre not seeking to understand. You're seeking to justify yourself. So youre not going to improve this relationship.

OooohAhhhh · 03/11/2023 21:21

If he was to have just one cigarette then surely he should just quit because what's the point in just having 1?
He wants to smoke on his way to work or whatever, so I don't think you should be giving ultimatums. Plus smokers are more successful in stopping if they want to stop, he won't stop having that morning one just because you want him to. So you either need to live with it and accept it, but no more secrets of crafty fags, or let him carry on doing his thing & quitting when he wants to, when he's ready.
Has he tried vaping?

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 21:30

OooohAhhhh · 03/11/2023 21:21

If he was to have just one cigarette then surely he should just quit because what's the point in just having 1?
He wants to smoke on his way to work or whatever, so I don't think you should be giving ultimatums. Plus smokers are more successful in stopping if they want to stop, he won't stop having that morning one just because you want him to. So you either need to live with it and accept it, but no more secrets of crafty fags, or let him carry on doing his thing & quitting when he wants to, when he's ready.
Has he tried vaping?

Thanks, that’s all reasonable. I just don’t want any more lies at this point. He hasn’t taken to vaping. He really loves smoking, truth be told.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/11/2023 21:40

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 20:34

Yep, I guess that’s the decision I’m left with.

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Because if he was that bothered he would have given up or admitted that he couldn't

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 21:47

Nanny0gg · 03/11/2023 21:40

Because if he was that bothered he would have given up or admitted that he couldn't

Show quote history

Yeh, I guess that is at the root of why I’m so bothered. The sense that if he really cared he’d give it up. Sigh!

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/11/2023 21:55

I think I can see both of your perspectives here - OP you’ve articulated your feelings which are totally understandable, and from your DH’s pov he might be feeling frustrated or that you’re attempting to control him but also that he’s not ready or capable of giving up and that he’s not hurting anyone while smoking out of the house. If you couldn’t smell or taste it on him (when you kiss him, I hasten to add) he’s probably not smoking much around you and your family. I think you can either say my way or the highway, or follow the route that other posters have suggested and say it’s fine to smoke if he tells you (I’m actually not a massive fan of this one because it’s embarrassing to admit one’s vices to a fellow adult and a bit humiliating) OR you could compromise, say you’d like him ultimately to stop but it’s OK to have a few at certain times/certain places/if he stops at a certain number etc. That way he won’t have to lie or hide it elaborately, he won’t feel controlled and rebel against those constraints and you get to know he’s making an effort to reduce and is respecting your boundaries.

OooohAhhhh · 03/11/2023 21:57

@Yupppp there you have it, he loves smoking, so he isn't going to stop doing it just yet I don't think.
But on the other hand he smokes so little, so I really don't see the point in smoking at all, so he might as well just try to quit!

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 22:02

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/11/2023 21:55

I think I can see both of your perspectives here - OP you’ve articulated your feelings which are totally understandable, and from your DH’s pov he might be feeling frustrated or that you’re attempting to control him but also that he’s not ready or capable of giving up and that he’s not hurting anyone while smoking out of the house. If you couldn’t smell or taste it on him (when you kiss him, I hasten to add) he’s probably not smoking much around you and your family. I think you can either say my way or the highway, or follow the route that other posters have suggested and say it’s fine to smoke if he tells you (I’m actually not a massive fan of this one because it’s embarrassing to admit one’s vices to a fellow adult and a bit humiliating) OR you could compromise, say you’d like him ultimately to stop but it’s OK to have a few at certain times/certain places/if he stops at a certain number etc. That way he won’t have to lie or hide it elaborately, he won’t feel controlled and rebel against those constraints and you get to know he’s making an effort to reduce and is respecting your boundaries.

Thank you, that really helps, I am getting to the point tonight that I’m nearly lighting one up myself with the agitation 😀, so your advice helps look ahead to how this can be hopefully resolved in some way?!

OP posts:
Cantbesure · 03/11/2023 22:10

My ex was a smoker who knew I was anti smoking and started out making an effort to conceal it from me. We had bigger problems in the end but I do think his lying about smoking was a sign of other things. I'd have rather had an adult conversation about how much he smoked than him pretending it wasn't a big part of his life. He was happy to lie to keep me happy/quiet rather than us understand each other's
Perspective.

MrsQTip · 03/11/2023 22:14

Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 18:36

You have reminded me of my nanna, died age 103 12 years ago, she always had one cigarette a day up the top of the garden in the evening. My grandpa was 5 years younger and stopped smoking at 60 only to start smoking woodbines again on the day she died.

Woodbines were withdrawn from sale in 1988

allhellcantstopusnow · 03/11/2023 23:32

StephanieLampshade · 03/11/2023 18:32

So horribly controlling. I smoke and had a boyfriend like you once.

It's not for you to dictate. Seriously you are out of control.

Yes horribly controlling to not want someone to spend a shit tonne of money giving themselves lung cancer. How spectacularly unreasonable.

Pipersouth · 03/11/2023 23:40

I made the promise to myself lots of nights that I would quit the next and I absolutely believed it. If I had been asked to give up I could easily have agreed and then realised it was a promise I couldn’t keep as I was too addicted. Luckily for me I got pregnant and stopped but years down the line I still get the urge. It is really really hard giving up - he is probably more disappointed in himself than you are

MariaLuna · 03/11/2023 23:43

I'm a smoker.

I just couldn't be with someone who is such an anti-smoker but driving a car.

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 23:48

Pipersouth · 03/11/2023 23:40

I made the promise to myself lots of nights that I would quit the next and I absolutely believed it. If I had been asked to give up I could easily have agreed and then realised it was a promise I couldn’t keep as I was too addicted. Luckily for me I got pregnant and stopped but years down the line I still get the urge. It is really really hard giving up - he is probably more disappointed in himself than you are

Hmm, he is a bit arrogant in ways and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him be disappointed in himself. But what you say makes sense and thanks.

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 03/11/2023 23:51

You could die in all kinds of ways.

Never smoked, drank, don't talk to me about holier-than-thou vegetarians and still fall down the stairs and be dead...

Car crash etc.

You never know what will happen!

Just enjoy it day to day. And be thankful for life.

Malarandras · 03/11/2023 23:55

Key issue here is that you can’t be with a smoker and he smokes. It was never realistic to think a smoker could limit themself to one a day. That was a fantasy you both participated in. He shouldn’t have lied. You shouldn’t have thought this was ever going to happen. Hard to see how you move past this really. I would never be with a smoker. Period. So I wouldn’t go out with one then expect them to limit to one a day.

Lilithlogic · 04/11/2023 07:06

MrsQTip · 03/11/2023 22:14

Woodbines were withdrawn from sale in 1988

Show quote history

I'm was so sure it was woodbines, now I think about it I think he snapped the tips off. Wierd how memories can confuse

Lilithlogic · 04/11/2023 07:21

MrsQTip · 03/11/2023 22:14

Woodbines were withdrawn from sale in 1988

Show quote history

Just had a Google, original Woodbines withdrawn when you said, but they carried on making a weaker untipped version, which are still being sold

Epidote · 04/11/2023 08:23

You can't dictate like that if you want him to stop smoking. Smoke is an addiction. Addiction doesn't disappear because someone look at you pointing their fingers making you guilty. That is a bad approach on your side, a really bad one. He will snap, lie and denied everything because he knows you think you can govern this situation with iron fist, but you can't. Encouragement is a good approach not making him feel like crap after a cigarette.

HerMammy · 04/11/2023 08:51

@booksandbrooks
think when you're in a relationship with a controlling person it can become easier to lie than one would imagine.
spot on, OP cannot see any other point of view, I'd lie what day of the week it was if I had to live with that!!
He's an adult and if he wants to smoke that's his choice not
yours. Have a think as to why he lied.

Goodornot · 04/11/2023 08:55

StephanieLampshade · 03/11/2023 18:32

So horribly controlling. I smoke and had a boyfriend like you once.

It's not for you to dictate. Seriously you are out of control.

I hate smoking but even I agree with this.

OP is so horribly controlling. Only allowing him one cigarette a day and going crazy as to how many he really has and calling him a slippery bastard.

It's his life and his health and if he doesn't do it within the house or in front of you, mind your own business. It still doesn't sound as if he is smoking very many. It is his life and you don't like it , leave him.