DP has lied about smoking….again

[Yupppp]

I’m kind of at the end of my tether here. After several lies about cigarettes over the years, DP promised me faithfully he would smoke just one cigarette a day, when he gets home from work. Turns out he also smokes on his way into work in the morning (I deduced this from a conversation he had on social media with someone today, I won’t boringly explain here).
So I asked him when he got home tonight and he was able to lie to my face for 10 minutes, and even get impatient with me for not believing him, before I told him to start giving me some effing respect and tell the truth, and he admitted that yes he has also been smoking at work.
it’s about the smoking but it’s also about his ability to lie insistently to me. There’s no sign that he’s lied to me about more sinister stuff over the years but it still leaves me with the question of whether I am actually sharing my life with a slippery bastard. Any thoughts are very welcome.

I would also be quite surprised OP that you have never told a white lie or an untruth or led him to believe anything that wasn't completely true via lying or ommission. Absolute honesty is rare in the average or typical human.

I would respect him for that and would in turn feel respected by him.

Maybe you controlling his habits reduces his respect for you?

I’ve genuinely never lied to him about anything, beyond “yes that shirt really suits you”.

One habit. One. He has several other habits that aren’t ideal but I put up and shut up. And it was a mutually agreed limit, not a directive.

Is there any thing else he's not allowed?

Alcohol,
Gambling
Solo sex

How is that different to his lie? He isn't smoking around you so his lie hurts you no less/no more than your "that shirt suits you."

But that is still a lie. You lied to save him from being upset and he lied to save you from being upset. In the moment, you both felt a lie was the best response.

Op, I'm a smoker and one a day was the lie he told you so you'd leave it alone. It's an addiction, not a bad habit, an addiction, so until he wants to give up one a day isn't going to work. Hopefully one day he'll want to give up and that will be an end of it but you can't make someone want to give up, I wish you could

Well, it was perhaps an unrealistic limit on both your parts, then.

I think with an addictive habit, you have to kick the whole thing or you end up backsliding - moderation is really hard to do and it just means the person is thinking about that one cigarette or that one drink or whatever it is in between times a lot.

I have been a smoker. Have stopped and started since I first tried to quit several years ago. Managed to stay off them when pregnant, slipped back to having a few over the occasional glass of wine. Back on them fully the very day DC dad fucked off into the sunset.

I quit again 4 months ago and so far, so good. But it was very hard, it was my only vice. I would not do it if I was demanded to. And yes, it would be harder to cut down to one a day than it would to quit altogether if you ask me. I can no longer have the odd glass of wine as I know the minute I do I'd have a cigarette or two and I'd be fully on them again in no time.

So OP, you really don't know what you're asking of him if you've never smoked yourself. And I have doubts he ever wanted to quit. He was just doing it at your demand and likely never will for your sake.

He's a smoker. If he did the one cig a day thing I guarantee it was for 1 day and he picked up a pack on the way into work the next morning.

You have a choice, accept you live with a smoker or leave. Unless he wants to quit it won't stop. Consider the fact that nicotine withdrawal will have caused him headaches, nausea, difficulty concentrating, anger and frustration. He didn't just smoke more because he felt like it, he physically needed to smoke to feel normal that is the nature of addiction.

Yes he lied but it wasn't just to piss you off.

It's clear to see why he lied, when you're so fantatical and controlling.
No fags, no porn? anything else?
Does he have a list for you?

I’m sorry il probably get shot down in flames but the fact he has to hide it from you is weird ?

I feel sorry for him , he prob agreed to one a day because he had no choice , honestly if that's all you've got to get upset about I'd say you've got a good en

I’m sorry, am grateful for most replies and am open to reasoned criticism but some of you are talking utter bollox.

1. Not wanting a partner to do things that either ruin their health (smoking) or subjugate your gender (porn) is not “fanatical”.
2. lying about a shirt being nice is not remotely comparable to lying about an addiction that endangered your partner’s health. Holy false equivalencies Batman…

Ah there’s a few more things but that’s for another post. And yeh, he had a choice, he willingly agreed, he could’ve told me to f&@k off with my compromise, let’s not always feel sorry for the poor beaten down man and assume the woman is unhinged.

let’s not always feel sorry for the poor beaten down man and assume the woman is unhinged.

Oh for god sake! 🙄🙄🙄

Your partner is an adult and can decide to endanger his own health or not, that's the point.

He can indeed. But if he is an adult then he has the choice to be truthful or not about his decision, as opposed to being somehow forced to lie by scary controlling me.

He'll give up when he's ready to give up. If it really means so much to you, you'll have to leave him.

You can't make someone give up a habit, no matter how adverse you are to it. You can only decide if you're prepared to live with a smoker and watch the impact on his health. Or not, as the case may be.

Smoking is an addiction, not a hobby.
People who smoke can easily lose track of how many they do, or maybe your DP feels the need to lie because he knows you'll get angry if he says he smoked more.
It's disgusting, but you need to accept he probably wont go cold turkey.

Yep, I guess that’s the decision I’m left with.

Honestly I'm sure you'll take this as a personal attack, and it's not meant to be, but you sound defensive and quite aggressive in some of your responses. I don't believe if he said "I want to smoke more than once a day" you'd have respected his decision, I think deep down you know that too, and I assume he knows it. You have a choice now to get on board or leave really.

Sure how could it be a personal attack, we don’t know each other, I could be sitting here chortling away with a Marlboro in each hand for all you know.

Aggressive, no. Defensive, probably yep.