Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has lied about smoking….again

110 replies

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:21

I’m kind of at the end of my tether here. After several lies about cigarettes over the years, DP promised me faithfully he would smoke just one cigarette a day, when he gets home from work. Turns out he also smokes on his way into work in the morning (I deduced this from a conversation he had on social media with someone today, I won’t boringly explain here).
So I asked him when he got home tonight and he was able to lie to my face for 10 minutes, and even get impatient with me for not believing him, before I told him to start giving me some effing respect and tell the truth, and he admitted that yes he has also been smoking at work.
it’s about the smoking but it’s also about his ability to lie insistently to me. There’s no sign that he’s lied to me about more sinister stuff over the years but it still leaves me with the question of whether I am actually sharing my life with a slippery bastard. Any thoughts are very welcome.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 18:45

He has to want to give up. Took me years and in the end I went cold turkey 2 January 5 years ago. I promised my kids I would and stuck to it. I think if someone kept telling me off I'd have ended smoking more

ohdamnitjanet · 03/11/2023 18:46

fitforflight · 03/11/2023 18:28

He's a grown up, if he wants to smoke he can smoke. You're a grown up, if you don't want to be with a smoker, leave. You can't police how many cigarettes an adult can have in a day. I don't condone lying but if he knew this would be your reaction I can almost understand why he's been lying. He clearly wants to smoke so either leave him to it, or leave him.

Exactly this, and as an ex smoker it is phenomenally difficult to stop. Like any other addiction he has to want to, he obviously doesn’t, and you banging on will just make him want to chain smoke.

pinksunglasses · 03/11/2023 18:46

If he doesn’t smoke around you then it’s none of your business. I’d rather be with a smoker than somebody who wanted to keep tabs on me! If he was smoking indoors or blowing the smoke in your face then of course that would be awful but it sounds like you need to get off his back.

C1N1C · 03/11/2023 18:46

His body, his right to do with it what he wants. He didn't tell you because he knew what your reaction would be.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 03/11/2023 18:48

He's clearly a smoker and won't stop. You need to decide if you can live with that.

Pigeonqueen · 03/11/2023 18:51

He was never going to manage to smoke just one a day. It’s so addictive, it’s literally all or nothing. My mum smoked 30 a day for 40 years and the only way she was able to quit completely was with champix. She was amazed at herself.

I have had a similar battle to you with my now ex dh. I hate smoking, absolutely cannot stand it and when we met he said he’d given up and I genuinely think he had for a few years at least. I have autism and sensory issues and I can smell it really well (I was bullied throughout school due to my clothes smelling of smoke from my mums smoking so I’m really hyper sensitive about it - used to hang my clothes up in my bedroom and spray them with deodorant etc). Anyway one year I started smelling it again and just knew. Checked his bag when he was out one day and found a pack and he admitted he’d started again. It was kind of the beginning of the end for you- I mean there were a LOT of other issues as well but I absolutely detest smoking and could never be with a smoker or trust an ex smoker that they’d completely stopped (apart from my Mum but I wasn’t having to live with her!) so that was the end of that!

Pigeonqueen · 03/11/2023 18:52

*no idea why the random “for you” is there, for us obviously!

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:53

i will absolutely take on board that I am being too controlling and perhaps a bit naive about the nature of nicotine addiction. But really, the main issue is genuinely not the smoking but the lie. If he’d said to me “the one a day thing is bullshit, I’m an adult, I’m going to smoke more”, I would respect him for that and would in turn feel respected by him.

OP posts:
Ywlala92 · 03/11/2023 18:54

How did the promise of him only smoking one a day come about in the first place?

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:56

Pigeonqueen · 03/11/2023 18:51

He was never going to manage to smoke just one a day. It’s so addictive, it’s literally all or nothing. My mum smoked 30 a day for 40 years and the only way she was able to quit completely was with champix. She was amazed at herself.

I have had a similar battle to you with my now ex dh. I hate smoking, absolutely cannot stand it and when we met he said he’d given up and I genuinely think he had for a few years at least. I have autism and sensory issues and I can smell it really well (I was bullied throughout school due to my clothes smelling of smoke from my mums smoking so I’m really hyper sensitive about it - used to hang my clothes up in my bedroom and spray them with deodorant etc). Anyway one year I started smelling it again and just knew. Checked his bag when he was out one day and found a pack and he admitted he’d started again. It was kind of the beginning of the end for you- I mean there were a LOT of other issues as well but I absolutely detest smoking and could never be with a smoker or trust an ex smoker that they’d completely stopped (apart from my Mum but I wasn’t having to live with her!) so that was the end of that!

Thanks for sharing that, how awful for you to be bullied like that, the little bastards. And well done for honouring yourself and ending the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:58

Ywlala92 · 03/11/2023 18:54

How did the promise of him only smoking one a day come about in the first place?

It was years ago, he was getting really bad chest infections and wheezing a lot and I was begging him to give up, and this is the agreement we reached. But at this point I don’t know if he’s ever actually kept to it.

OP posts:
pinksunglasses · 03/11/2023 18:58

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:53

i will absolutely take on board that I am being too controlling and perhaps a bit naive about the nature of nicotine addiction. But really, the main issue is genuinely not the smoking but the lie. If he’d said to me “the one a day thing is bullshit, I’m an adult, I’m going to smoke more”, I would respect him for that and would in turn feel respected by him.

Is he generally an honest person? I struggle a bit with the idea you have to tell your spouse/partner everything you do, that you’re not allowed to keep anything to yourself.

There are obviously fundamental things that you shouldn’t lie about because they impact the other person, but I think I’d resent having to ‘confess’ to having an extra cigarette - especially if you’d overreact about it.

Doggymummar · 03/11/2023 18:59

My oh smokes, but in the garage, I've never seen him smoke. He's an adult, you can't dictate to him how much he does or doesn't smoke. If it's a deal breaker then you need to leave him. I couldn't live with someone who smoked in the house, but I actually forget he smokes till be go on holiday.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/11/2023 18:59

My ex was a heavy smoker. When I was around him he tried to limit my exposure to smoke, e.g going outside without telling me and then washing his mouth out and brushing his teeth. I never asked him to stop, though (I get almost phobic about not controlling people). Just like my current DP who has a bit of an issue controlling his food intake, I had a couple of conversations about why it bothered me, health risks etc then let him get on with it. He wasn’t harming me and we had no DCs, I even had the odd one with him although I find the taste disgusting and am lucky enough not to be addicted. People with addictions will often restrict their lying or deceptive behaviour solely to their addiction, as well. I had the same with my eating disorder, I’m incredibly honest normally but lied my face off about whether or not I’d eaten.

Dogdaydream · 03/11/2023 19:02

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 18:53

i will absolutely take on board that I am being too controlling and perhaps a bit naive about the nature of nicotine addiction. But really, the main issue is genuinely not the smoking but the lie. If he’d said to me “the one a day thing is bullshit, I’m an adult, I’m going to smoke more”, I would respect him for that and would in turn feel respected by him.

You've made it quite clear you don't respect him for smoking though.... So he's a bit damned if he does damned if he doesn't.

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 19:03

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/11/2023 18:59

My ex was a heavy smoker. When I was around him he tried to limit my exposure to smoke, e.g going outside without telling me and then washing his mouth out and brushing his teeth. I never asked him to stop, though (I get almost phobic about not controlling people). Just like my current DP who has a bit of an issue controlling his food intake, I had a couple of conversations about why it bothered me, health risks etc then let him get on with it. He wasn’t harming me and we had no DCs, I even had the odd one with him although I find the taste disgusting and am lucky enough not to be addicted. People with addictions will often restrict their lying or deceptive behaviour solely to their addiction, as well. I had the same with my eating disorder, I’m incredibly honest normally but lied my face off about whether or not I’d eaten.

That’s really interesting, thank you for that. I hadn’t thought of it that way, I suppose I was kind of thinking “once a liar always a liar”.
hope you are doing okay nowadays.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/11/2023 19:03

Hang on.

He knew how the OP felt and presumably because he wanted the relationship he promised to stop. Otherwise he could have walked away.

But he chose to lie instead.

So not all the OP's fault here

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/11/2023 19:04

My EH lied about not smoking to get me to date him, when I found out he did smoke I split up with him ( my choice not to date a smoker). We ended up getting back together because he promised he had stopped. Turns out he hadn’t ( no idea to this day how I didn’t smell it on him) and lied. He ended up lying about a lot more, turns out if he could lie about one thing, he could lie about a lot more serious things…

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 19:06

pinksunglasses · 03/11/2023 18:58

Is he generally an honest person? I struggle a bit with the idea you have to tell your spouse/partner everything you do, that you’re not allowed to keep anything to yourself.

There are obviously fundamental things that you shouldn’t lie about because they impact the other person, but I think I’d resent having to ‘confess’ to having an extra cigarette - especially if you’d overreact about it.

Show quote history

He’s honest….I think?!? Like, porn use would be a deal breaker for me and he was told me he isn’t in to it. But now I’m wondering…..

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/11/2023 19:07

Nicotine is highly addictive and very few smokers could cope with one a day, it's all or nothing. I believe the average smoker takes 13 attempts to finally give up. If he wants to stop I'd recommend How to stop smoking by Allan Carr, the best £7.99 I ever spent.

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 19:08

derxa · 03/11/2023 18:59

This sounds like the film starring Bradley Cooper https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day_(2010_film)

I haven’t seen that one, does Bradley star as a lying smoking bastard in it???? 😃

OP posts:
derxa · 03/11/2023 19:10

Yupppp · 03/11/2023 19:08

I haven’t seen that one, does Bradley star as a lying smoking bastard in it???? 😃

Show quote history

Yes he does. He’s a ‘love rat’

Original poster
Yupppp · 03/11/2023 19:11

derxa · 03/11/2023 19:10

Yes he does. He’s a ‘love rat’

Show quote history

might give it a watch this weekend for a bit of escapism 😅😅

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/11/2023 19:22

Nicotine is an addiction, there probably isn't a addict in existence who hasn't lied about when or if they have indulged, to expect they haven't is naive.
Does he vape too? What's your stance on that? Most smoker's have turned into vapers. On the plus side, it doesn't smell as bad. Having one a day will not satisfy addiction, never a realistic aim, it's like asking an alcoholic to have one drink daily - not going to happen. This outcome was predictable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread