Christmas and what is reasonable exdh

[katdu]

NC for this as I have friends on here. I have been divorced from exh for 7 years and he has got remarried to someone who I don't approve of and she is not the same background as us. Me and dh exh have a dd who is 20 and lives with me full time and is in education. I have asked exdh if he wants to spend Christmas here with dd as this will probably be the last one dd is at home before she goes away travelling the world. Exdh has said this is not appropriate as we are not a family, only dd is his concern. He said dd can spend it with him and his wife. If this happens I will be on my own and won't get to see dd for her last Christmas here for a while. I am unreasonable for wanting us to spend Christmas together. Exdh don't have any shared children so I do not see why she would not be letting him. It is not like I want to jump on him or anything just trying to keep everything good between us.

No exdh won't spend anytime in my company. He says we are not a family anymore and it would not be respectful to his wife. He barely talks to me since I told him some truth about what I thought of his wife and she overheard and was not happy

No bloody wonder he won't spend time with you. You come across worse & worse as each post goes on

You might want to think about your attitude. You're still very much the bitter ex. Your ex has gone on to meet & marry someone who does an amazing job. Your daughter is about to head off and make her own life. Unless you put your bitterness behind you & move on you're facing a lot of lonely Christmasess (and other days)

You just have to get it through your brain that he no longer wanted to be with you. I've never said this before but imagine the genders were swapped, you'd be called everything. Leave the poor man alone and stop interfering in his and his daughters relationship

Your DD is 20.

Let her choose who she wants to spend the day with.
And if it is her dad, do not make her feel guilty about it.

It’s been 7 years OP.
Its time to move on.

I know this might be hard for you to hear but that is not what would have been best for your daughter. Your daughter needs happy parents, who model happy relationships to her so that she knows what that looks like. You separated and that’s sad for you I do get that, but her dad now has remarried and is clearly very happy with his wife.

I don’t know why you seem to think you get to have any input on his partner, “told him a few truths about her”, you don’t even know her, he knows her intimately enough that he has married her, he loves her. You’re creating a narrative in your mind because you are bitter and jealous, she was not the other woman, you have been separated a long time. He has found his happiness, you need to let go and find yours. I’m sure your daughter would rather her dad be happily married than her have an extra few quid when he dies- if you’ve raised her correctly anyway! I would rather both of my parents be happy til their last breath and be left with absolutely nothing, than them stay in unhappy marriages and unhappily single for the sake of leaving me some money.

You need therapy to resolve your issues with your marriage.

Your EX-husband gets to decide where and how he will celebrate holidays. Your daughter is an adult and therefore also gets to decide where and how she will celebrate holidays.

You will have to deal with their decisions, because you don't get to tell either of them what to do anymore.

Your DD shouldn't be thinking in terms of inheritance with regard to her dad and his new wife, that's an odd thing for a young woman to focus on when she has her whole life ahead of her and a chance to make her own money.

And who knows what her dad has put in his will, he may make specific provision for her and have made this clear to his wife when they got married?
I know my exH will definitely do this if he marries his current partner and I would do the same, not that I ever intend to re-marry.

Also, won't she inherit from you anyway? You are in complete control of that.

This 'money grabbing' Paramedic could potentially be on around £50k with shift enhancements. She's hardly going to be fleecing him for every penny he has. I would imagine that their lovely lifestyle has a great deal to do with her too!

It is real and I have had counselling

With kindness and respect OP, I think you need to go back.

I think this Christmas is more about you reliving Christmas's past than being about your dd. It is always hard to come to terms when a relationship ends when you do not want it to. However it is not healthy for you to be trying to play happy families 7 years on.

Your daughter is 20. She can choose where to spend Christmas.

You are clearly still very bitter about your divorce, particularly as your ex , of a number of years , has decided to slum it with trade!!!

That you cannot currently live the same high life with your husband's money clearly irks you.

That your ex has found love with a lowly paramedic (?) irks you is beyond snobbery. It's repulsive.

You say that you'd love him back but why did your marriage end?

You really need to move on.

Your 20 year old would only know this if you pointed it out! Most young adults (and most adults tbh) are unaware of inheritance law.
I'm sure your ex also has a will which your DD will no doubt be listed in.
Your coming across as so bitter but what you don't realise is that if you don't change then you risk your relationship with your DD in the future as she comes to realise your trying to sabotage her relationship with her DF due to YOUR bitterness.

Seriously OP go get some professional help and stop putting your DD in the middle like a pawn

What do you think would happen if he had more children with his wife? Would you consider them as worthy of his money and inheritance?

Of course they wouldn't be as worthy. Their mother would be a lowly paramedic who wasn't born into wealth. The shame of it all.

I'm sorry you're struggling with this so much op. It sounds like you'd benefit from more therapy, as you're not over this.

Have you tried gestalt or psychodynamic? I've had therapy for over 10 years and it continues to be very helpful. It could definitely help you to heal.

Respectfully you really need to move on, this is not a healthy way to live

Because OP would prefer the ex to subsidise her and her only, not some undeserving lower class woman 😂

He cheated on me as I had lost my libido and told him to go with someone else, didn't expect he would do it. Tried to make it work but he left as he said that he didn't feel I loved him.

I know I need it. Thank you for your kindness

I apologise for this comment, it was unfair of me. You cannot keep going like this though, it is not healthy for you. Your daughter will be fine no matter what.

Thank you appreciate it

If my husband said he was spending Christmas with his ex-wife and leaving me on my own, I'd be furious.

I think you're jealous he has found someone and you haven't.

It is a but of a kick in the teeth enjoying something that I should have

LOL, the entitlement in this sentence is amazing.

You were born into money and resent that your ex's new partner works in an honorable job yet earns less than the free money you've enjoyed all your life.

You stopped having sex with your husband and told him to get it elsewhere and were surprised when he took you at your word.

You want to cut the new wife out of traditional celebrations because of your bitterness towards her, yet you try to pretend you're doing what's best for your daughter.

GTF over yourself and grow up.

This thread is amazing....like Downton Abbey in real time!