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Original poster

Christmas and what is reasonable exdh

122 replies

katdu · 03/11/2023 12:23

NC for this as I have friends on here. I have been divorced from exh for 7 years and he has got remarried to someone who I don't approve of and she is not the same background as us. Me and dh exh have a dd who is 20 and lives with me full time and is in education. I have asked exdh if he wants to spend Christmas here with dd as this will probably be the last one dd is at home before she goes away travelling the world. Exdh has said this is not appropriate as we are not a family, only dd is his concern. He said dd can spend it with him and his wife. If this happens I will be on my own and won't get to see dd for her last Christmas here for a while. I am unreasonable for wanting us to spend Christmas together. Exdh don't have any shared children so I do not see why she would not be letting him. It is not like I want to jump on him or anything just trying to keep everything good between us.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:07

She wasn't born into money like you were?!

So if you were born into money why is your life not as good as hers? Why the jealousy for him subsiding her? If you have your own money?

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:09

Jonisaysitbest · 03/11/2023 16:58

It doesn't sound like you could invite both your ex and the new wife over for Christmas, it sounds like that would be too hard for you. And that's ok, that sort of contact doesn't work for everyone.

I get how tough it is around Christmas with ex partners, new partners and kids. I think Christmas becomes so rooted in annual traditions that it can be hard when things change and even adult children can feel upset about that, sometimes they can even find changes to traditions the hardest.

But the truth is, your view of a final "family Christmas Day" with you, your DD and her dad is unrealistic because he has re-married, even if this is what your DD wants, it just isn't a realistic proposition.

But I also get the idea of you wanting to spend time as a four before your DD goes travelling. That presumably feels like an end to her childhood and a sort of rite of passage.
Does that have to be on Christmas Day though? Christmas is a season so if you and your exH are amicable maybe you could spend time as a four some other time around Christmas? Maybe have coffee and minced pies together or something more low key?

Thank you for your understanding and kind words. No exdh won't spend anytime in my company. He says we are not a family anymore and it would not be respectful to his wife. He barely talks to me since I told him some truth about what I thought of his wife and she overheard and was not happy. I have listened and it is not a good idea and I will enjoy dd before she goes on her trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:11

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:07

She wasn't born into money like you were?!

So if you were born into money why is your life not as good as hers? Why the jealousy for him subsiding her? If you have your own money?

I do have my own money but less than when we were together. It is a but of a kick in the teeth enjoying something that I should have been but I know I have to move on.

OP posts:
Jonisaysitbest · 03/11/2023 17:17

It is very hard to move on, I know because I struggle with it myself.

But if your exH doesn't want to spend time with you anymore then I think it might actually make it easier for you to move on.

Block any social media, don't ask your DD questions about him or his wife and try to train yourself not to think about them. I know that is hard to do but you will drive yourself mad and waste your own life if you don't.

And definitely don't drag your DD into any of this before she moves away. She is the most important person in all of this so focus on your relationship with her and be grateful if her choice is to spend Christmas Day with you. Make the most of it xx

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 03/11/2023 17:24

"He barely talks to me since I told him some truth about what I thought of his wife and she overheard and was not happy."

🤔

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:31

I’m going to give my opinion just in case it’s true.

Obviously YABU.

It’s up to DD who she sieves Xmas day with.

Then she can spend Boxing Day with the other parent.

It is not appropriate for your ex to go to yours when he wants to share it with his partner and child together.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:33

What has happened at Christmas for the past 7 years?

LoneFemaleTraveller · 03/11/2023 17:37

katdu · 03/11/2023 12:55

I am not bashing her job but exdh will be subsidising her.

Show quote history

… and youd rather he was subsidising you?

EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 17:40

@Itsnotchristmasyet OP answered that.

Can't believe what disgusting posts you written, OP. You don't like your daughter's stepmother because she's not rich and works as a paramedic? No wonder her husband has no interest in being around you. Her and her husband's finances are none of your concern.
Did you raise your daughter to be a jealous snob?

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:41

I guess OP thinks the new wife is some kind of gold digger? Is that the issue?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:43

Why do you think this will be her last ever Christmas at home?

I’m sure she’ll come back for Christmas in the future.

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:44

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:41

I guess OP thinks the new wife is some kind of gold digger? Is that the issue?

It is something that has crossed my mind as my dd will suffer as anything he has will go to his wife which dd is aware of and this has upset her. Exdh says his wife is very fair but people don't always follow through. I just want to protect dd.

OP posts:
EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 17:45

Why? Would you want to hang out with OP, by the way she comes across in her vile comments?

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:46

Itsnotchristmasyet · 03/11/2023 17:43

Why do you think this will be her last ever Christmas at home?

I’m sure she’ll come back for Christmas in the future.

She is going travelling for a year and I am guessing she will want to live with her boyfriend. I hope she does.

OP posts:
EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 17:48

So you’re the goldigger, op. The pretend ‘just want what’s best for my kid’ spiel is just to try to gloss over your jealousy and snobbery.

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:48

katdu · 03/11/2023 17:44

It is something that has crossed my mind as my dd will suffer as anything he has will go to his wife which dd is aware of and this has upset her. Exdh says his wife is very fair but people don't always follow through. I just want to protect dd.

Show quote history

You both don't sound like people who "come from money" like your previous statement then. If your DD is going without because your ex spends it on his new wife.

justalittlesnoel · 03/11/2023 17:49

This doesn't sound healthy to be honest OP.

At your daughters age she shouldn't be having any thoughts on her dads money going to his wife when he dies - this isnt going to make your DD "suffer".

It sounds like you've got a lot of issues with him and her, this is now being put onto your DD.

You sound like you've been quite mean to both your ex, his new wife and whatever rhetoric you've been spouting is clearly influencing your DD. It won't end well!

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:52

Luxell934 · 03/11/2023 17:48

You both don't sound like people who "come from money" like your previous statement then. If your DD is going without because your ex spends it on his new wife.

Show quote history

I have my own money and will inherit a lot of money when my dm passes away. It just irks me that money that should go to our dd will go to the wife because of marriage. I am bitter about that

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 17:53

Were you as mean whilst married to your ex by any chance?

EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 17:53

How embarrassing for you. Shocking that you can’t see how awful you’re coming across.

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:54

Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 17:53

Were you as mean whilst married to your ex by any chance?

Edited

He was married to me for 20 years so I don't think so. I am just speaking as I find.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 17:55

So your ex should stay single and not spend a penny you don't approve of?

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:55

EvenBetta · 03/11/2023 17:53

How embarrassing for you. Shocking that you can’t see how awful you’re coming across.

I don't mean to come across as bad but I am trying to ensure my dd is protected.

OP posts:
Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 17:57

Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 17:55

So your ex should stay single and not spend a penny you don't approve of?

I was shocked he got married again. I was hoping we would get back together. That would have been the best outcome for dd.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 03/11/2023 17:57

You are trying to manipulate and dictate. I'm not surprised he left you to be honest. Twenty years ffs

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