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Original poster

Christmas and what is reasonable exdh

122 replies

katdu · 03/11/2023 12:23

NC for this as I have friends on here. I have been divorced from exh for 7 years and he has got remarried to someone who I don't approve of and she is not the same background as us. Me and dh exh have a dd who is 20 and lives with me full time and is in education. I have asked exdh if he wants to spend Christmas here with dd as this will probably be the last one dd is at home before she goes away travelling the world. Exdh has said this is not appropriate as we are not a family, only dd is his concern. He said dd can spend it with him and his wife. If this happens I will be on my own and won't get to see dd for her last Christmas here for a while. I am unreasonable for wanting us to spend Christmas together. Exdh don't have any shared children so I do not see why she would not be letting him. It is not like I want to jump on him or anything just trying to keep everything good between us.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 03/11/2023 13:22

PosterBoy · 03/11/2023 13:20

She'll be working over Xmas anyway so your ex is being really unreasonable.

Eh?

HappyHappyy · 03/11/2023 13:23

She's 20, let her decide.

OldMountainGoat · 03/11/2023 13:42

PosterBoy · 03/11/2023 13:20

She'll be working over Xmas anyway so your ex is being really unreasonable.

😂😂😂

Nocturna · 03/11/2023 13:51

Calm down Hyacinth

frozendaisy · 03/11/2023 13:58

Blimey what a mountain out of a molehill

You offered just remarried ex to spend Christmas with his ex wife, 20 year old daughter who possibly doesn't want to spend Christmas day in between you and ex, and his ex MIL. Think about it OP, your offer sounds like hell on earth.

Let your daughter decide, and how are you in your own if grandma will be there as well?

Blanca87 · 03/11/2023 14:02

At least she is contributing to society and doing something meaningful. Can you say the same? Or are you too busy crying into your high tea , screeching that the pleb stole your life to the ‘ladies do lunch’ brigade . You seriously need to move on.

Justcallmebebes · 03/11/2023 14:10

If you usually spend Christmas with DD and your mum, why will you be alone if DD spends time with her dad? Won't you be with your mum regardless?

Dontcallmescarface · 03/11/2023 14:21

Ask your DD what HER preference is. Could she spend Christmas day with 1 parent and Boxing day with the other? Oh and just a word of caution....if you continue being bitter and resentful towards her dad and his wife, you may find that your DD would prefer not to spend any time at all with you in the future.

ThatWhiteElephant · 03/11/2023 14:24

I say this kindly, it sounds like you need more help to get over your divorce Flowers
What does your daughter want to do this year?
Could you and your exh split the day with her?

Mrsttcno1 · 03/11/2023 14:33

OP could you not all spend the day together? If you are telling the truth in that you just want what is best for your DD and she would like to see you both on her last Christmas here for awhile, why can’t both her father and his wife come? Or both you and DD go to them? If it’s just to spend a few hours together then I don’t know what the issue is with this, he’s married and naturally wants to spend his day with his wife as well as his child, you were very unreasonable to ask him to come without his wife, but why not extend the offer to both of them if putting DD first is priority? Or you and DD go to them. Either way, that’s what a genuine kind offer and putting your daughter first would look like.

Epidote · 03/11/2023 14:46

OP, your daughter is 20, I think she is old enough to do whatever she wants and make her own decisions on the 25th of December this year and the next year's to come.

I think you are overthinking this, sounds like you are already missing her and she is still here.

Regarding your ex, his answer was perfect, why is him going to spend the Xmas with you?. No hard feelings, but your daughter is an adult and you are not part of his life anymore.

Original poster
katdu · 03/11/2023 14:47

Thanks for all your responses some which I am not a snob. My dd only wants me and her dad there so would not be happy for the wife to be there. She wishes me and her dad were together and I am not sure I could stomach being in her company. I will take on board the comments and have a lovely Christmas with dm and dd.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/11/2023 15:06

Respectfully OP I don’t think that is genuinely your DD’s thoughts, they are yours. She more than likely has absolutely no issue with his wife but knowing your stance would never tell you that. If you want whats best for DD, put your feelings aside and make him and his wife welcome. She wasn’t the other woman, she is just a woman who fell in love with the same man that you did, she will be there on your DD’s wedding day, if your DD has children then she will be their grandmother as well as you. You’re in each others lives forever, so for the sake of yourselves and DD take this chance to start building a decent relationship

notquitesoyoung · 03/11/2023 15:07

I think DD has picked up on your feelings towards her step mum if at 20 she doesn't understand her parents are no longer married so it really wouldn't be appropriate for her DM & DF to play happy families when DF has a DW at home. It's time to move on and think about laying the foundations of Christmas's to come. It can be a tricky time of year for DC as adults with divorced parents, particularly once DC are in the equation and partners are involved. You are very unlikely to get every Christmas with DD from this point onwards and if you did at whose expense is that. Be the bigger person and model adult behaviour for your DD.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 03/11/2023 15:10

katdu · 03/11/2023 14:47

Thanks for all your responses some which I am not a snob. My dd only wants me and her dad there so would not be happy for the wife to be there. She wishes me and her dad were together and I am not sure I could stomach being in her company. I will take on board the comments and have a lovely Christmas with dm and dd.

You are setting your DD up for a lot of heartache in life when she realises she can't always have what she wants. She needs to have adult relationships with people and understand they have commitments they want to honour.

Your DD DF has absolutely made the right choice, it isn't appropriate or a reasonable request. Particularly as its specifically to exclude his wife.

I really think you need more help. This view isn't healthy.

Crazycrazylady · 03/11/2023 15:52

Op
Honestly this reads like it's been 1 year since you separated instead of 7. You absolutely need more help to allow you to move on with your life. Your ex Cleary has and it almost appears that you are trying to grasp on to your old life using your adult daughter as an excuse.
Definitely return to therapy . It will
Help you no end.

Wouldyouguess · 03/11/2023 16:13

What a deranged post- looking down on the new wide because she DARES to have a nice life! Id not want to spend Xmas with you either, so get why your ex prefers to stay with someone who he values and who is not a ....
Do you think his wife would like to spend Xmas on her own so you get to play happy families?

Wouldyouguess · 03/11/2023 16:16

Also I am feeling sorry for your DD, she could have a nice relationship with her dad and his wife but you are so prejudiced against her coming from an inferior according to your background you are projecting these horrible feelings onto her too I bet, and create this toxic atmosphere, so neither you NOR your daughter can move on.
Please seek therapy.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/11/2023 16:34

katdu · 03/11/2023 12:34

I understand he has a wife but he left me and I still feel angry about it now. I don't want to be on my own at Christmas, who does. She is not a different religion etc she was not born into money and works as a paramedic which is completely different to our upbringing/background. I feel angry she has a good quality of life now and it should be my life.

This says it all

you haven’t moved on, are bitter he has and are taking it out on his new partner

why can’t your daughter do lunch with you and tea with him

as to not wanting to be on your own, fair enough, but what happens if your daughter doesn’t come home for Christmas once she has left?

You have to find a way to accept he has moved on, or you are just going to drag yourself down, become very bitter and could lose your daughter who sees your bad behaviour

Redglitter · 03/11/2023 16:42

katdu · 03/11/2023 12:55

I am not bashing her job but exdh will be subsidising her.

Show quote history

Subsidising her? You mean they have joint finances, the way married couples do.

Considering your ex left you 7 years ago you sound very bitter and your comments about his wife are horrible & quite honestly say a lot about you

Your daughter is an adult. She can sort her own Christmas Day out

Kedece2410 · 03/11/2023 16:44

PosterBoy · 03/11/2023 13:20

She'll be working over Xmas anyway so your ex is being really unreasonable.

How do you work that out. Not everyone in the emergency services works Christmas. She might very well be off which is why her husband would rather spend the day with her rather than his bitter ex wife

Jonisaysitbest · 03/11/2023 16:58

It doesn't sound like you could invite both your ex and the new wife over for Christmas, it sounds like that would be too hard for you. And that's ok, that sort of contact doesn't work for everyone.

I get how tough it is around Christmas with ex partners, new partners and kids. I think Christmas becomes so rooted in annual traditions that it can be hard when things change and even adult children can feel upset about that, sometimes they can even find changes to traditions the hardest.

But the truth is, your view of a final "family Christmas Day" with you, your DD and her dad is unrealistic because he has re-married, even if this is what your DD wants, it just isn't a realistic proposition.

But I also get the idea of you wanting to spend time as a four before your DD goes travelling. That presumably feels like an end to her childhood and a sort of rite of passage.
Does that have to be on Christmas Day though? Christmas is a season so if you and your exH are amicable maybe you could spend time as a four some other time around Christmas? Maybe have coffee and minced pies together or something more low key?

Floofydawg · 03/11/2023 17:01

Is this a wind up? If it isn't, you're a bit deranged.

IsThereABarUpThere · 03/11/2023 17:03

OldMountainGoat · 03/11/2023 12:57

Popcorn anyone? 🍿

Room for one more? 😂

IsThereABarUpThere · 03/11/2023 17:05

katdu · 03/11/2023 14:47

Thanks for all your responses some which I am not a snob. My dd only wants me and her dad there so would not be happy for the wife to be there. She wishes me and her dad were together and I am not sure I could stomach being in her company. I will take on board the comments and have a lovely Christmas with dm and dd.

Bollocks.

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