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Original poster

My husband has no interest in me - am I really that boring?

82 replies

Amisoboring · 02/11/2023 22:23

I struck me last week that my husband seemingly has no interest in me as a person or my life. I couldn’t think of the last time he’d asked me a question about myself that wasn’t related to the house or DC. I decided for the next week that I’d see if he asked me anything about my day or my thoughts on anything.

He hasn’t!! Not once. I ask him everyday when he gets in from work if his day was okay, if anything good or bad happened. He never returned the question. At most he’ll ask if the kids have had a good day.

Tonight I was at the end of my patience and after asking him about his day, when he obviously didn’t ask me the same question, I asked if he was ever going to ask me how my day was. He was very flustered and blurted out ‘did you get much work done today’. I answered, then that was it, no further discussion.

Later on once the DC were asleep I sat down and explained to him that I don’t feel he has any interest in me. His reply was ‘oh,sorry’. That’s it. He hasn’t mentioned it since or really interacted with me so I’ve taken myself off to bed.

We have two nursery aged children, and I do most of the childcare. But I’m also a researcher and work at a University part time, so definitely have things going on to chat about outside of the kids.

Am I just a horribly boring person, or are other people’s husbands like this too? Has anyone doing a good way to address it? It’s certainly not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 02/11/2023 22:31

Mine, an alleged feminist mind you, eventually admitted he had no concept of what I did in between saying goodbye in the morning and him coming home in the evening. No thought or curiosity at all.

ExH, I should say.

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/11/2023 22:33

It sounds as though he's so boring one, not you. You are the one with an interest in him and he can't even be bothered to ask about your day.

Dappledsunlight · 02/11/2023 22:34

Similar here, OP. My husband has been away to visit his parents. I picked him up from the airport yesterday, asked lots of questions in the car about his week to which he answered. Nothing asked about my week, so this evening I couldn't hold it in and challenged him about the fact he shows no interest. He then asked but made a negative comment about the fact that I'd been away to a city with a close friend as if the place wasn't very interesting, ie, as if I should have chosen somewhere "better".
I'd suggest you raise the topic another time and not allow him to dismiss it with a "I'm sorry". That's not really getting to the bottom of the issue for you - you want him to show more interest and make an effort. It does take effort, but that's the essence of the give and take of any relationship.

EVHead · 02/11/2023 22:37

Society has worked for centuries because women are good at this. Men are shit at it. They think they’re the bosses but actually none of it would work without us greasing the wheels.

Catsafterme · 02/11/2023 22:42

I very much doubt you are boring, no.

In my experience lot of guys have no concept of the need to discuss or listen to others, how their days were like. You are not boring but talking is boring. Unless it's about themselves but other than that it's not a concern for most. Hence the 'oh I'm sorry', no concept or asking you only about the children as may just be a automatic question.

trompeloeiltits · 02/11/2023 22:51

STBXH is the same.

MoiraRosesOtherDaughter · 02/11/2023 22:52

Interested people are interesting

You're not the problem

RandomForest · 03/11/2023 00:02

You're not a team.

You are in a competative relationship, who's the most interesting, who's the most interesting, who goes to the most interesting places, who has the most friends and who's friends are the best.

So many marriages become like this, with the wife constantly supporting the male and not the other way arround, women support men and they soar with that support, but they don't tend to return the favour. They use.

It's the reason so many men have affairs, they marry, isolate their wives, neglect them, and then turn round and say their wives are boring, so they look outwards.

Ignoring someones presence is dehumanising, and the start of an unequal relationship.

Maryamlouise · 03/11/2023 00:12

I asked mine why he didn't ask any questions and he said it was that he assumed I would just tell him things. He is very chatty and will just start talking about his stuff without me asking and he assumed I would do the same whereas I wanted him to ask. Could it be something like this? Does he listen if you do tell him about your day etc?

spookehtooth · 03/11/2023 00:24

Disappointed to hear a lot of the other men are like this :-s I get self conscious talking about me too much, and usually ask about the other person. I like asking questions.

There's that phrase to do with talking about how we have 2 ears & 1 mouth for a reason. Also, when we speak we repeat what we know, and learn when we listen 😁

rentingthisglove · 03/11/2023 00:27

My exh was the same - loved to dissect his boring day with me, but literally couldn't/wouldn't stand a second of me doing the same to him.
Screw him. I'm not on this planet to give give give and not receive.

RantyAnty · 03/11/2023 00:31

A lot of men are like this. If it isn't directly related to them, they don't care.

Women and children are just supporting actors in their lives.

Oscarso · 03/11/2023 07:24

My partner is exactly the same. I am starting to really resent him for it. Even in the morning I’ll wish him a good day, never gets said back to me. I just think he’s really not that interested in me.
I started a new career path earlier this year, not once has he asked me anything about it.
Interesting to read what other posts say.

Epidote · 03/11/2023 07:29

It seems like he is the boring one and also is checking out of the relationship. Not sure how to address that, but I think once this crappy dynamic starts the relationship is in danger.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2023 07:35

It doesn't sound like a good relationship if he can't even ask how your day was or be interested in your career - what's the point in being together?

Gingerbread981 · 03/11/2023 07:36

I think women talk more, therefore ask more questions. Maybe he assumes you’ll tell him how your day is?
Try withdrawing your info a little? This might prompt him to ask. Or stop asking him?

Voowoo · 03/11/2023 07:47

Worse, he can remember and recount anyone else's incredibly mundane experience or opinions in great detail - "Larrys wife's friend's cat's flea went on a bus trip to Birmingham! Here's an itemised list of the flea's meals, activities, hopes and dreams". He can listen to and memorise any boring info from literally anyone else but me, chooses not to even remember his kids teachers name though because that's my area somehow?!

He won't ask me about important health issues, light-hearted fun I've had, future plans or even ideas for tea.

He's an ex now, I left him, because I took our kids halfway round the world alone (because of his complete disinterest!), yet he couldn't even listen to the youngest one trying to eagerly tell him what it was like on the day we returned. The important thing to remember is that THEY CHOOSE TO NOT CARE OR LISTEN. We are worth so, so much more.

TotalOverhaul · 03/11/2023 07:53

When DC are pre school, both parents are shattered. generalisation, but men tend to sink inside their own little lives and preoccupations, and women tend to want to put feelers out into the world for affection and support. so we end up giving the men those vital strokes of interest and appreciation but don't receive it in return.

I think we can either get angry and resentful or recognise the problem and take charge of it. Tell him about your day. Have 10 mins when he gets in from work when you sit down with a cup of tea or glass of wine and ask him to ask about your day or volunteer news. Get into the habit of it. Discuss the wider world too. At dinner, discuss the news, discuss new music by artists you like or new breakthroughs in your given field of research.

Ime, you have to give men a firm nudge in the right direction to act in a way that fosters a healthy, close relationship. But they usually stick with good habits once they are instilled.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 03/11/2023 07:54

It's very hard to rescue a relationship when it's reached this point. I don't know what to suggest.

Plenty of men (and women too) are like this though.

It's complacency I guess. I presume he used to ask you about yourself? When you were dating.

A friend who is very wise and a third wife (also on her third husband) said that men only start paying attention when they're on wife number 3. It takes them until then to get it.

Voowoo · 03/11/2023 08:03

Christ. No. Men aren't dogs to be appeased or trained, nor do they need a few dry runs of destroying a couple of women's self esteem first before managing to learn how to ask if their third wife's day was alright, because they've recognised they'll die alone if they don't mask their indifference a bit. In hide cases they still expect you to be there, an almost furniture-like fixture, and with minimal effort put in to nurture your happiness. Better ones do exist.

MrsElsa · 03/11/2023 08:03

There's 2 sides to the resentment. 1 stop asking him about his day. 2 start talking about yours instead .

See how he likes it!

Isthisexpected · 03/11/2023 08:04

I'm a third wife and my husband STILL has to be reminded! It makes me feel so invisible to not be asked my opinion on current affairs or what I find interesting etc. I'm not even bothered about talking about "my day" if you see what I mean. It's more general non household management conversation I miss.

When I spoke to him about it he said "now we know each other so well I just like to enjoy your company". Completely different ideas about how to nurture connection.

RedCoffeeCup · 03/11/2023 08:07

If you don't wait for him to ask and just chat to him about your day, does he seem interested? That would bother me more than whether or not he actually asked.

ImpeckableChicken · 03/11/2023 13:02

I’m a bit guilty of this to be fair. But I’ve never been a chatterbox. I just like to get home and enjoy some peace and quiet. But I do try and make the effort and will ask him when I remember to.

Doesn’t always mean the person doesn’t care or are checking out of the relationship. Some people are just wired that way.

Livingonthebrightside · 03/11/2023 13:05

Has he always been like this? What made you want to marry this man in the first place?

My husband is nothing like this. Of course nobody is perfect but he always shows interest in me and my day. He will ring me on his break to see how my day is going. If he knows I have a stressful day lined up at work, he’ll message to see if I’m okay. I will do the same back for him. We regularly discuss all sorts of topics and we show interest in each other’s opinions. We share the responsibility of our children 50:50 and he’s fully involved with school runs, homework, parents’ evenings etc. We’ve been together 18 years so this isn’t a honeymoon phase. I married him because he’s pretty amazing and he makes me (and our children) feel like the centre of his universe. I hope he’d say the same about me. Nobody should settle for less!