My husband has no interest in me - am I really that boring?

[Amisoboring]

I struck me last week that my husband seemingly has no interest in me as a person or my life. I couldn’t think of the last time he’d asked me a question about myself that wasn’t related to the house or DC. I decided for the next week that I’d see if he asked me anything about my day or my thoughts on anything.

He hasn’t!! Not once. I ask him everyday when he gets in from work if his day was okay, if anything good or bad happened. He never returned the question. At most he’ll ask if the kids have had a good day.

Tonight I was at the end of my patience and after asking him about his day, when he obviously didn’t ask me the same question, I asked if he was ever going to ask me how my day was. He was very flustered and blurted out ‘did you get much work done today’. I answered, then that was it, no further discussion.

Later on once the DC were asleep I sat down and explained to him that I don’t feel he has any interest in me. His reply was ‘oh,sorry’. That’s it. He hasn’t mentioned it since or really interacted with me so I’ve taken myself off to bed.

We have two nursery aged children, and I do most of the childcare. But I’m also a researcher and work at a University part time, so definitely have things going on to chat about outside of the kids.

Am I just a horribly boring person, or are other people’s husbands like this too? Has anyone doing a good way to address it? It’s certainly not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Mine was the same. We separated earlier this year. Particularly when I realised that my friends could describe what was going on with my kids and my day job much better than my STBXH could.
Despite the children being 11 and 7, and having essentially the same job for all our 14 year marriage.

I on the other hand know every single detail of his job (in fact I know it so well I could probably do it!) 🤣

You're not boring OP. But I'm not saying leave him either. Things like this are fixable x

I love this! I always try to be interested in other people.

My husband wouldn't bombard me with questions on me arriving home, but I'd just start talking and he'd be interested, comment, show me things, and generally act like I was interesting. I mean most times, unless he was tired/exhausted. I might also wait til later in the evening.

I think asking interested questions, remembering things and asking about them is very much a female skill. I've noticed many men don't do it even with their own friends. Probably why they don't have long chats on the phone as the conversation would stall so quickly.

I'd go more off is he interested when you do talk and does he look after you (e.g. take his turn on days you are busy) and remember things that are important to you e.g. celebrate stuff you've done, listen interestedly if you are chatting on the sofa, make time for you occasionally.

If the answer is always no, that's a big problem.

One thing confuses me. Why do you wait to be asked? That’s not how conversation happens in my home or with my family or friends. We tell each other stuff. We don’t sit and wait to be asked. It doesn’t need to be coaxed out of us. It’s an open dialogue. But you seem to ask him then wait to be asked and if you’re not asked you don’t communicate. I find that odd.

Give him a taste of his own medicine and don't ask him anything. When he complains, and he will, tell him that he now knows how you feel. (After you get him to elaborate, that is.)

Have a word with the psychology department who will be able to tell you what's going on in his head. Gird yourself, he could simply not care. But at least you'll know.

Was he always like this or has he changed?

So many men just talk at you. As long as they’re the subject they’re very happy to bang on and on and on. God it’s boring. It’s never a two way conversation.
The men I’ve liked most in my life have been the sadly desperately rare ones who DO ask a question, even a boring one, and actually listen to the answer and engage.

I think there is quite a lot of truth in the comments here - a lot of men aren't that interested in small talk about how your day was.

Most of my exes on the other hand didn't need to be asked because I was told without prompting - sometimes in excruciating detail - what their day was like. Me unless it was something important just wanted to sit down and relax for a bit

Most women aren't that interested in hearing about the minutiae of office life from their husband's perspective, but I've listened to enough men banging on about their careers and ideas and projects to last me a lifetime.

It's nice to listen in a relationship and it's nice to be heard.

Agree with that too but you get from the ladies in office life as well. Probably we should all learn to keep away from it

I'll pay this comment as well but it works the other way around as well. Perhaps the most successful relationships are where the people involved have a genuine interest in each other and remove the crap from their communication

This. Men are only really interested in themselves and how great they think they are

Mine doesn’t often ask questions (of anyone). He’s interested when people chat to him but he’s just not good at initiating a line of questioning. How does he react when you tell him about your day or your thoughts? If he is interested then, then I wouldn’t worry.

One of the issues you have is that you are holding him to account on the scale you have set in your head to be acceptable; without communicating to him your expectations. That's where you need to start, communicate with each other what you'd like 👍

Have you done anything interesting though?

I loathe hearing about my DPs work day. I've finished work for the day, I don't want to think about my own work, let alone anyone elses!

Me and DP don't tend to ask each other how our day was, if one of us did anything interesting, we'll mention it without needing to be asked.

"How was your day?" is up there with "Whats the weather like tomorrow?" for me. Its a meaningless opener there to fill an empty space because you don't like silence. If you want a conversation, start a conversation about something interesting

This.

Remember coming home from a long gruelling work day many years ago. My MiL was staying - a lovely woman who I liked enormously. She followed me into the kitchen and kept asking me if I wanted anything......

What I really wanted was for her to fuck off and leave me alone. Didn't say it though

Are you saying that the OP is boring? So much so that her DH cannot possibly think of a question that will show he has ANY interest in her and her life??

I mean, you don’t want to talk about work fine. But surely you have conversation with your DP that go further than ‘pass me the salt’ and ‘How did Joshua cope with his reading?’
Youll know what interest your spouse and you’ll ask about those right? You’ll ask them their pov about a subject etc…

Because if you NEVER show any interest to your DP, I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have. Same with just waiting fir them to tell you about their day/interest etc…. btw.

When I studied English Language at college, we were taught that male conversations are very different from female conversations. They played us recordings of conversations to analyse and as homework we were encouraged to make our own recordings to do the same (with permission of course!!)

I expect with all the gender-bending around it has become unfashionable to discuss the differences between men and women, but what was standard academic thought in the 1990s, and our analysis showed very clearly, was:

1. Men’s idea of conversion is to talk about themselves and to try to impress while doing so. They’ll tell you what they did today and how great it was and, if in a group, they’ll interrupt others to compete with better stories. In some social grouos they’ll try to impress by swearing, in others they’ll talk about money or physical fitness or whatever that group values most.
2. Women converse quite differently. While a man seeks to dominate the group and grab as much airtime as possible, a woman usually seeks out whoever is speaking least and asks them questions. She invites others to talk and tries to create a consensus instead of a competition.

Is this nature or nurture? Dunno but I have observed the same thing over and iver since then, this wasn’t some historical thing. Visit the Med or the Middle East and look at the older women chatting together in the kitchens while the older men sit in cafes silently playing cards.

You aren’t boring. But you’re expecting female-type conversations from a man. Either interrupt your DH to boast about your day, or find some women to chat to.

“If you don't wait for him to ask and just chat to him about your day, does he seem interested? That would bother me more than whether or not he actually asked.”

This would be key for me. DH isn’t great at asking me questions but he will pay attention to things I tell him (most of the time 😀). Enough that I think that, overall, he finds me interesting. He doesn’t wait to be asked things before telling so I don’t wait to be asked either.

I kind of get this but I have known many women where the difficulty is to get them to shut up. Some of them must have been able to breathe through their ears

I could tell you the names of virtually everyone my husband worked with.

He couldn't name one of mine bar the two most senior.

My ex husband was the same. It contributed to me feeling totally unseen and taken for granted.

@Voteva are you saying it’s ok fur women to feel invisible because men/their partner can’t possibly comprehend they can talk about someone else but themselves or to make a point in how great they are?

And that we shouldn’t expect men to be able to hold a conversation that isn’t about them?

Thats a very sad way of looking at things.

Unlike @ManAboutTown who seem to think it’s ok because some (all?) women are worse , if I was a man, I’d feel really hurt that I’m basically seen as incapable. Incapable to not be self centred. Incapable of taking other people’s needs into account. Incapable of reciprocal conversations and relationship.

Im pretty sure we can hold men into account and expect more of them. Because I believe they are CAPABLE of doing better than that.
(otherwise, I’m nit sure why, as a woman, women would ever want to get into a relationship with a man tbh)

A lot of men just don't like the person they married. They just want a maid and a free regular shag.

I could tell you the names of all of my husband’s uncles and aunts and their spouses, all of their children’s names (in age order) and those children’s children. I could tell you what they do/did for a living, whereabouts they live and their approximate ages (within a few years).

I don’t think my husband knows how many brothers or sisters my mum has.