My husband has no interest in me - am I really that boring?

[Amisoboring]

I struck me last week that my husband seemingly has no interest in me as a person or my life. I couldn’t think of the last time he’d asked me a question about myself that wasn’t related to the house or DC. I decided for the next week that I’d see if he asked me anything about my day or my thoughts on anything.

He hasn’t!! Not once. I ask him everyday when he gets in from work if his day was okay, if anything good or bad happened. He never returned the question. At most he’ll ask if the kids have had a good day.

Tonight I was at the end of my patience and after asking him about his day, when he obviously didn’t ask me the same question, I asked if he was ever going to ask me how my day was. He was very flustered and blurted out ‘did you get much work done today’. I answered, then that was it, no further discussion.

Later on once the DC were asleep I sat down and explained to him that I don’t feel he has any interest in me. His reply was ‘oh,sorry’. That’s it. He hasn’t mentioned it since or really interacted with me so I’ve taken myself off to bed.

We have two nursery aged children, and I do most of the childcare. But I’m also a researcher and work at a University part time, so definitely have things going on to chat about outside of the kids.

Am I just a horribly boring person, or are other people’s husbands like this too? Has anyone doing a good way to address it? It’s certainly not how I want to spend the rest of my life.

Wear some red lipstick guarantee you'll be asked about your day

Has he always been like this, or have you noticed it more as time's gone by?

My DP is like this. But I get very little back about his work day when I ask.

I got frustrated and did the same as you. Didn’t ask but he didn’t tell me. We sat in silence or chatted small talk.

I got worried we were not compatible. Spoke to him about it. Turns out he hates his job but didn’t want to talk or moan about it as he needs to pay the bills. Said I tell him about my day very animated and assumed as I hadn’t I didn’t want to talk about it or had gone off him.

we are just crsp communicating

I started noticing once that I always asked how everyone’s day was but no one asked me so mentioned it to DP. He made a point of asking for a while then stopped again. I think it must be a man thing in not even thinking to ask.

I’m going to buck the ‘men are always to blame’ trend here.

Rather than making it about you (I’m boring, he’s no interest in me, what’s wrong with me), have you considered whether he’s ok? As someone who struggles with bipolar, anxiety and depression, when I’m feeling low it’s all I can do to go through the motions every day. I have no interest in anything other than getting from waking up to going to sleep. Perhaps he’s struggling?

Also, women; we’re better than this. So quick to jump on the criticism bandwagon.

@Voteva did you note anything else besides sex during that analysis? Culture or any details about upbringing or family life? I'm fairly sure nurture has a role, I've had conversations about this with different people on this. On a personal level, training on outreach for activism has affected my style. Making me think more about how conversations flow, building trust & connections and getting desired outcome. Social chat is different, but some of those tools are useful & perhaps have a place somewhere in the education system

I don't think enough effort goes into socialization with young children, it's left to chance and parents who might have bad habits themselves. We're born with a degree of instinct, but I think it should be consciously nurtured and developed. It's such a vital time in a human's life, and bad habits are hard to fix and damage relationships. Not just intimate ones, all of them, as a child grows

When my grandmother passed away she had more than 60 direct descendants (ie not including spouses or stepkids). I might have got into the mid or late 30s with names

He probably doesn't want to talk about his day at work as soon as he gets in from work. It's quite possible he's equally as unhappy with this as you are!

I recently read a newspaper article about this. It ended up talking about a perfectly normal looking guy who was extremely successful with women. When asked how he does it he replied, ‘ ‘it’s simple really. I don’t understand why all men don’t do it. I ask them questions and I listen to the answers.’

I think one of the best pieces of marriage advice I ever got was to help yourself to what you want and not wait to be asked.

I would just directly communicate my expectations and say something to dh like “now it’s your turn to ask me about my day”, or “you know I don’t cease to exist when you’re not in the same room, don’t you?”

It’s mostly light hearted, because I don’t stew too long over irritations. And I know that he’s kind and well intentioned.

Admittedly I’m neurodivergent and I appreciate that there’s an aspect to this that matters enormously to neurotypical people, that completely bypasses me. But I think that maybe the key difference is that I don’t have a working assumption that DH’s mind is working the same way mine is, whereas neurotypical brains default to the assumption that everyone’s minds are similar. That leads to an assumption that there’s an unkind or deliberate reason why the other person doesn’t do/say what you expect.

That's very insightful. I recently observed a conversation between preschoolers and their caregiver. They were completely shutdown when attempting to make friends with someone new at the park because the caregiver clearly had terrible social skills herself (judging by how she couldn't interact appropriately with the other mum there)

It’s a stab in the dark but I’ve seen these conversation cards for couples to help you get closer and more intimate Emotionally,
It is a poor show from your DH … men in Ltrs sometimes take things for granted. It’s not an excuse btw it’s annoying and upsetting! He sounds like he lacks emotional intelligence tbh x

Worse, he can remember and recount anyone else's incredibly mundane experience or opinions in great detail - "Larrys wife's friend's cat's flea went on a bus trip to Birmingham! Here's an itemised list of the flea's meals, activities, hopes and dreams"

This made me laugh so hard. My DH is exactly the same. He will tell me the most intricate stories about some friend of a friend of a colleague of his, and in the meantime after 20 years together he still regularly gets the name of my eldest son wrong.

I do find looking him in the eyes mid-ramble and telling him bluntly 'I'm not fucking interested' remarkably effective though.

Mine was like this. I could go to a different country neither of us had been to, or take the kids away for 2 weeks and he'd ask me zero questions on my return. He had no interest in me, other people around or the world.

I found it very disheartening. He is now an ex, for many reasons. I had to spend a few hours with him this week and must have asked him 20 questions about his life, he asked me none.

I do have some old male friends, a brother and a father who do ask me question and enjoy a normal conversation, so they are not "all like that".

My partner is like this. He would happily spend every minute sat in front of a computer screen or writing witty responses in reddit comment sections. The only time he seems to make any time to spend together is when I become clearly annoyed. I will not ask him to spend more time with me, I feel let down by the fact that he doesn't want to. He doesn't seek out any meaningful conversation, although he will come to me with work issues looking for reassurance or advice. I feel isolated and not good enough. Sometimes I want to tell him all of this but I know he'll just make a half hearted attempt to do something different but just to appease me. I feel lonely in my own house.

Abs rubbish.ive been around many female conversation dominator and me me me types

Get a baby sitter and go out for a drink. Talk. Talk about memories and good times, tell him how you feel. It often helps.

Why should people wait to be asked. Just chat - it's not that hard is it?

And yes, maybe the everyday is dull and boring. I don't much care for petty chit chat.

This!

Boys and girls are socialised differently. Society also has a different expectation on men and women. Birthdays for example men are patted on the back for even remembering.

Men are completely capable of these skills when they want to be. Typically (namalt obviously) they are less invested in others even their own friendships to a deeper level. When they go to the pub it's what was the score did you see the game not how are you? No really how are you? Even when they are going through bereavement, divorce, etc
Lots of men never fully develop empathy they don't know how to put themselves in other shoes. There is lots of anxiety and lack of confidence going on in some men. But they are entirely capable of seeking therapy, reading a book listening to a podcast learning these skills if they want to. Some purely don't see the value in it. It looks like hardwork and what's in it for them? (Intimacy and true connection) they have lived their life "fine" up to this point. As society makes excuses for them. He is having a bad day stressed tired grumpy etc society accepts shoddy relational skills from men. Yet they can be charming and persuasive in the boardroom/sales pitch/job interview. When it matters to them.

Op you need to have a conversation with your partner telling him how you feel and what you need in the relationship also the consequences of it not changing. You both have the right to say your needs from the relationship. But life's far too short to feel ignored and alone in one of your core relationships. This isn't something you have to accept just because it's sadly common.

Yes, this is key. Does he engage when you do start talking about your day?

I have a fix for this. Don’t ask him about his day. If he starts telling you, show no interest. He’ll soon work out that if he wants to share his news, grumbles etc, he’ll have to show interest in yours.

Your husband sounds awful. How depressing, to be treated like this!

It is absolutely not normal and shouldn't be tolerated. My husband is interested in how my day went / how my life is going. Occasionally if he's really stressed he might not ask that evening but if I nudge him I get a lot more than just "sorry" - I get questions and he listens to me, properly, and with interest.

I'd insist on marital counselling at this point.

My husband is a bit like this but he bought this book after some people he’d worked with said they had it and it was fun. We do ask a question each a day so far and surprisingly it’s fun, some of the questions are interesting and I’ve learned stuff about him even after 35 years