Feeling sad and stupid- rejected by ex again

[Sundaycoffee]

I was with my ex for 5 years on and off. He was a commitmentphobe but i adored him. He ended things with me 3 times over the course of our relationship "im not sure this is right" or "i need some space" and then always came back to me begging for another chance.
We finally ended in 2019 (his decision). Since then he has always been "around" whether thats the odd text or bumping into each other (we went through a period of sleeping together which I put a stop to as it was too hard for me) but really I've never properly shaken him off. I know this is entirely my fault.
I have tried to date other people but none of them have stuck and to be honest, I don't think I have ever been over him.

I haven't seen him in a year which is the longest I've ever done. I haven't had any desire to date as im comparing everyone to him but I would love a relationship, I'm not sure how to get past this and feel as though I still have him on a pedestal.

This August he made noise about potentially meeting up to talk which I stupidly agreed to. I cancelled twice because I was scared of being hurt and worried how I would feel after the meet.
Finally decided to meet up to see what he has to say- this was going to be tomorrow for a coffee. I messaged him today asking what the plan was and he replied saying he doesn't know if we should meet and that as its been so long he has "kind of moved on". Despite sending me messages throughout the week and not mentioning any of this until now.
I feel totally stupid and very upset.
I know this is all my fault for continuing to entertain him and I'm angry at myself.
I've replied asking him is this his final decision and he's ignored it.

My self esteem is low and I have trouble trusting my own thoughts (largely due to how he has treated me) so I am always second guessing myself and any decision I make.
I'm not sure what I am after from this thread. I know the obvious advice is to now block and delete. Think I just need a handhold and really some advice from anyone who's struggled with dating after a relationship. I haven't slept with anyone else for 10 years now and it just feels totally overwhelming x

I understand how it feels when you're used to one person and you can't imagine anyone else.

However, you need to think, in reality what is actually that good about this guy...he doesn't think of you the same and seems quite content wasting your life, as are you too.

This is what is happening and will continue to happen, you'll waste your life holding this guy up on a pedestal. If you continue to do so, you'll never meet someone who will actually be worthwhile or committed to you.

You do need to forget about him as hard as that may be and stop comparing other guys you meet to him. There will be others who are not worth it as well but there are ones out there who will treat you well and want to be with you. When you find that, you'll see just how shit he actually was.

God he sounds topsy-turvy. You need to focus on yourself for now and your own happiness, you won't find it with him and he will fade in time.

Handhold.

Block him on your phone and everything else.

Take control back of your life or you will waste any opportunities that come up and bounce back to him.

He is the source of your low esteem as you said so block him and move onwards and upwards.

You can do hard things! 💪

It sounds like he is manipulative and has attachment issues. He reels you in, gets reassurance that you are still interested in him, then he loses interest. You say your self esteem is low but, in fact, his behaviour is a sign of low self esteem as he is in a loop of dismissing someone who likes or loves him because he has a low opinion of himself.
If you can understand this, it may help you to unhook yourself from getting reeled in again. He will not be able to offer you happiness because of this behaviour and a problem with attaching in a secure way to others.

You need an intervention. I was like this with my ex. It was like an addiction and sadly cold turkey really is the only way.

I get it, I really do, but the damage you're doing to yourself will only get worse the longer you keep this up.

Thank you everyone. I know what I need to do and your words of encouragement are really helping. Sometimes it just takes hearing it from someone else to realise what you need to do.
It's crazy, I haven't even seen him for a year so why do I still feel like this?! I think as long as he's around in some capacity I find it really hard to open myself up to anything else. Online dating is hard enough as it is!
Candy- how did you manage to get over your ex? Did you just decide to block him one day and that was that?

Because your relationship was on/off, I think subconsciously you still feel that you’ll end up together. For your own sake, you need to delete and block and properly grieve the end of your relationship. You said you have self esteem issues, so maybe look into counselling. Regardless, you need to know and understand that the relationship is over. Dead. Never gonna happen. It’s the only way to move on.

Sounds like he wants to keep you hanging on as an ego boost. He wants to keep you on the back burner as a possible option, just to make him feel that he can snap his fingers anytime and you’ll come running. When you do, he loses interest again quickly. This pattern will only continue if you let it. With your on/off history together there is zero chance of him actually settling down permanently to be the partner you want. You know what you need to do, block and delete. It really is the only way to break his hold on you permanently.

My self esteem is low

out of your entire post, this is what you need to address. Throw everything you have at dealing with your self-esteme, then you will not be interested in crumbs for a man who only wants sex from you.

As others have said, he wants to keep you hanging on and know that he can click his fingers and you will come running. He isn't even that interested in you, he's said so himself. It looks like he actively wants to stop you moving on, it must be hard but blocking him fully and working on your self esteem is the only way forward.

Sadly, I think this is true. He won't ever give me a straight answer. It's always "I'm not sure, I don't know"
Agree with PP in that I feel like I can't move on as I'm always waiting for that text from him or feel like its never properly "over". I even feel guilty going on dates and don't feel like I'm in the headspace to fully throw myself into something as he's always in the background in some form.
Back in May his mum even messaged me inviting me to her 70th birthday dinner, saying that he hasn't met anyone since we split and would I be willing to try again with him!

Back in May his mum even messaged me inviting me to her 70th birthday dinner, saying that he hasn't met anyone since we split and would I be willing to try again with him!

That's very unfair, inappropriate behaviour in the circumstances.

Is she totally unaware that he's the one who ended the relationship repeatedly and who is ambivalent/vague and totally lacking enthusiasm or certainty about getting back together?

It sounds like he's not honest with her. They certainly don't seem to have decent communication.

On the main topic; you need to have no contact.

In terms of coming to terms with the relationship being over; look at it like this; if you are meant to be together and it's ever "right" from both sides, you'll be together. So no matter what you do, you're not preventing that. He can come back with declarations that he's seen the light and that you're great together and he wants a steady, committed ltr etc ..and you can consider what you want to do (if you're dating someone or not).

I'm afraid if he hasn't been like that in the honeymoon phase of a relationship; he won't; but just reassure yourself that if it's right, you'll both make a definite opportunity to get back together in future.

In the meantime your job is to date and try some other people on for size. You're 100% free to do so. He ended the relationship. You're single.

I predict that you'll get into a relationship sooner or later, and by that time, if he comes back (even if it's more definite than the vague, ambivalent, flaky shit he's been coming back with since the relationship ended) you'll think "oh do eff off mate, not a chance".

You need to build up a similar level of familiarity and time together and history with someone else to put the relationship in context.

Also ... I'm not sure what age you are but just to say, we don't have the relatively unlimited time to have kids that men do. They can afford to mess around for years. We can't. If a family is important to you, you need to prioritise meeting a partner and building a relationship with them towards that aim.

He's not going to give you a straight answer, it's not that he doesn't know it's that he doesn't care. You are an option to him, if he genuinely wanted to be with you he would be but he isn't.

Try to stop thinking that he's looking at things in the way you think. Would you do this to someone and lead them along, I doubt it? He's not thinking the same way as you, people think differently and some have no regard for others at all like abusive people.

To me you are in some form of trauma bond like those in abusive relationships go through. Likely by the on and off behavior to the point you are suspended in limbo desperately waiting for his approval.

I've been through an abusive marriage, my wife treated me awfully and still is in other cruel ways. I came out the other side and it was like an addiction a dependency and it was hard to let go, I struggled to survive on my own, without her permission, I felt guilty doing things I wanted to do. Six months later, I'm able to do things but she's still there to degree in the back of my head.

You must break the cycle, the bond. The more you communicate, see each other the bond gets stronger.

I wouldn't do this to a woman I was interested in, I would make time for her, commit and start building a relationship because I like her.

Please don't waste any more of your life on this guy he's not genuine. Cut his family you don't need to know them either and don't feel guilty he doesn't own you.

Thank you everyone so much. In further developments he has since told me he is now seeing someone else. I feel totally confused and bewildered and physically sick. I'm not sure how within 24 hours I have gone from thinking I was meeting up with him to discuss our future and how we were feeling to now hear he's with someone else.
I feel so so stupid. I've been sitting at home on my own not able to date yet he's clearly been off having the time of his life.
I knew this day would potentially come but I didn't think I would have to deal with it on the day I thought I was meeting him to discuss "us".
Only a couple of months ago he said he missed me and it was driving me crazy. Why lead me down this garden path of feigning a meeting to discuss our future if you're literally snagging someone else?

My sister has just gone into labour with my first nephew and on a day I should be feeling happy and excited I feel absolutely miserable 😞

Driving him crazy rather!

I’m so sorry for you because I get it.

This man’s behaviour is unforgivable. Ditto his mother’s. No wonder you feel stuck. But I echo what others have said: you need to cut him off to move past him/it and take mixed messages as a firm ‘no’. The ambiguity he’s served throughout the time you’ve been involved with him is what’s keeping you stuck. If you were to look at it closely, does this man have any capacity to make you happy? He’s kept you dangling, used you for sex, played with your feelings and openly wasted your time without a backwards glance. That is not a person who is safe for you, OP. You must block and delete if you want any chance of restoring your self esteem and confidence. To hell with being in the right headspace for dating. Go out and live your life. See who else is out there who has the capacity to make you smile, but make sure you make yourself smile first.

Bit left field but when I last had my heart trampled on, someone close to me suggested I needed a goal. I chose something sporty and challenging and never looked back. The confidence I had from reaching those goals put ridiculous men I’d been involved with in the shadows. I also felt better about myself and it dragged me away from rumination. Could you set yourself something similar?

Also any talk of your family plans is quite obviously unhelpful in this context. I’m sure you’re fully aware of your options on this score. Quite clearly your focus should be ejecting this awful man from your life for good.

I'm so sorry you went through this. How did you manage to break the cycle and move on? Do you have children together or are ties now totally cut?

@Sundaycoffee It was complicated separation and while I was trying to get my head around that she continued to manipulate. Few weeks in I couldn't take it any more and neither could the children so I said it's enough. So, she took everything we own for herself and refused contact with the children.

Now she's trying to throw me under the bus falsely accusing me and I'm having to chase through court to see the children. Not spoke or seen the children in six months now.

It was hard, destroyed me for months but it got to the point I had no choice to fight for the children and I still am. I'm in therapy recovering from the abuse and all this that's going on.

When someone shows you who they are, take notice. I didn't and now look.

You need to send him a cease and desist message along the lines of: I absolutely agree with you. We are not meant to be together. I've moved on and wish you well for the future.
Then block and delete on all ways he can contact you. And block his mum too. You take the initiative and make the decision to cut him off. You are addicted to him and it isn't healthy for you. Then work on your self esteem. I took the initiative and cut off someone who wasn't good for me and it helped. Good luck

I think it would be helpful to read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

It will help you understand why you've been waiting around for an emotionally unavailable man.

To work on your self-esteem you need to build your life up to be the best it can be, do you work? Do you have friends? Do you have hobbies and interests?
Do you practice self care and look after yourself just for you?

You need closure. Take this rejection and an turning point. Stay strong and do not contact him. Work on yourself. Thing will improve in a few months. Don't give him any more time or space in your mind. Now is you, you and you.

I've actually already read Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl many years ago during one of our earlier splits. Maybe time to dig it out again!
The thing I find difficult is that there is always a reason or excuse for any of his behaviour and leaves me questioning myself. I try and get angry at how he's treated me and think why the hell is he telling me he will meet me to talk about out future when he is actively seeing someone else and the answer to that was that he assumed I was also dating and he didn't realise what we were meeting for or that I felt this way!
Then it gets me in a spiral of blaming myself for not communicating with him properly which makes it harder for me to let him go.
I did tell him the reason for our meet week's ago on text. "To see how we feel after not seeing each other and have a chat about where we are and how we are feeling" I thought that text was obviously stating that the meet up was to see if we want to pick things up or end contact for good, but he's now saying he thought I just wanted to be friends and meet up to see how that would go and thats why he said he didnt want to meet as it would be too hard for him. No way could I ever be friends with this man!!
I said to him well it appears as though its now dead and done given the circumstances and he's now saying he had no idea i wanted to meet to dicuss us, no idea i still have feelings for him and needs to process all this and might be up for meeting soon..... And this is how the cycle has always continued in the past.
How do I get past this and stop blaming myself and getting reeled in by all the excuses and explanations he gives 😩

You stop talking to him, block him and move on. He's twisting everything for his own gain and to avoid responsibility for his own actions, passing the blame onto you.

Look at it as if he really wanted you and was that interested he wouldn't be doing this. It shouldn't be this complicated.

Instead see that you are worth more than this. You deserve someone who truly wants you, puts you first and makes the effort to connect.

There will be someone out there who will do all of this but that will never happen if you don't move on.

Just jump off the roundabout. Stop communicating with him. Block and delete. Are you getting something out of the messages? Do you feel crumbs are better than nothing?
You are worth more than this.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, @Sundaycoffee . I know exactly how crushed you're feeling. About 10 years ago, I met a guy who I instantly fell head over heels for. I was totally in love within 24 hours of meeting him, which it pretty unlike me. We had a whirlwind romance - we lived in different states in Australia, a long way from each other, but kind of 'made it happen' by traveling to meet each other. Long story short, he eventually told me he was married with two kids.

I was utterly devastated, but by then I was so in love with him, I believed everything he told me. The usual "my wife's a bitch, I want to leave her, I just have to make sure everything is ok for the kids" crap. This continued on for a few months until he let me down one too many times and I went mental at him and told him to fuck off.

Of course, that wasn't the end. I saw him several times whenever he came through the city I lived in, but it just broke my heart every time.

Eventually, after many disappointments, I saw him for what he truly is and I've never responded to him since. His last contact was about a year ago. I know it makes sense to block him and delete all his details, but there's a part of me that likes to see him grovel when he does try to make contact. And it doesn't affect me emotionally anymore (and hasn't for a long time), so I find the contacts pretty amusing. I've moved from the city to the country now, so he no longer knows where I live and there's zero risk of him ever turning up in person.

You'll get over this in time. And you WILL meet someone else. In the meantime, focus on yourself and healing your shattered self-esteem. I know it's not easy to believe right now, but you'll come through this and be whole again. Hang in there!