Feeling sad and stupid- rejected by ex again

[Sundaycoffee]

I was with my ex for 5 years on and off. He was a commitmentphobe but i adored him. He ended things with me 3 times over the course of our relationship "im not sure this is right" or "i need some space" and then always came back to me begging for another chance.
We finally ended in 2019 (his decision). Since then he has always been "around" whether thats the odd text or bumping into each other (we went through a period of sleeping together which I put a stop to as it was too hard for me) but really I've never properly shaken him off. I know this is entirely my fault.
I have tried to date other people but none of them have stuck and to be honest, I don't think I have ever been over him.

I haven't seen him in a year which is the longest I've ever done. I haven't had any desire to date as im comparing everyone to him but I would love a relationship, I'm not sure how to get past this and feel as though I still have him on a pedestal.

This August he made noise about potentially meeting up to talk which I stupidly agreed to. I cancelled twice because I was scared of being hurt and worried how I would feel after the meet.
Finally decided to meet up to see what he has to say- this was going to be tomorrow for a coffee. I messaged him today asking what the plan was and he replied saying he doesn't know if we should meet and that as its been so long he has "kind of moved on". Despite sending me messages throughout the week and not mentioning any of this until now.
I feel totally stupid and very upset.
I know this is all my fault for continuing to entertain him and I'm angry at myself.
I've replied asking him is this his final decision and he's ignored it.

My self esteem is low and I have trouble trusting my own thoughts (largely due to how he has treated me) so I am always second guessing myself and any decision I make.
I'm not sure what I am after from this thread. I know the obvious advice is to now block and delete. Think I just need a handhold and really some advice from anyone who's struggled with dating after a relationship. I haven't slept with anyone else for 10 years now and it just feels totally overwhelming x

You need to re-read Mr Unavailable...it tells you in there how to get away from Enotuonally Unavailable men and how to work on yourself.

If you work on yourself you will realise that him telling you that you weren't clear in your communication is just part and parcel of his emotional unavailability.

He knows you will accept any old excuses and that you'll blame yourself thus keeping the door open.

What do you do in your spare time?
Is your life the best it can be?
What hobbies and interests do you have?

I think he just likes to know that you're still (and always) available to him.
He sounds cruel making arrangements then dropping the 'new girlfriend' bomb on it at short notice. Almost like he's toying with you.
What a horrible set up.

Well update is that I've now gone NC and it feels awful. Since Friday and him telling me he needs time to process things we were still texting. I had a few wines out with friends and stupidly sent him something flirty and he didnt reply. I then sent another message apologising and said that was totally inappropriate and he replied and said it wasn't??
Messages continued until Tuesday afternoon when I asked how his day was and I haven't had a response since then.
I've now deleted the chat and his number so I can't contact him (or drive myself mad looking at his online status).
I plan on going NC now as I feel absolutely wretched. I can't stop thinking about the situation and crying and the self blame is awful. I just hate living in hope that he's going to pop up again at some point like he usually does but I don't feel strong enough to block him either right now.
I've been going to the gym every night after work and trying to keep some kind if routine going but it feels so rubbish right now...

I do believe I have a full life but maybe something needs to be shaken up.
I work full time in a busy job which I love, most evenings are spent in the gym doing group exercise, I eat well and I have friends and family including 3 amazing sisters that I am very close to and my weekends are (usually) busy. Most of my friends are attached now, some with kids. I live alone and do find myself comparing my life with theirs. I just would really love companionship in my life. Living alone and only having yourself to depend on can be bloody hard sometimes! X

Been there, so I know exactly how it feels! Another one to recommend Mr Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl, I listened to it as an audio book out walking in the fresh air and it felt like an epiphany, talking exactly about my relationship! I felt so much lighter almost immediately, took some time to work on myself then put myself out there! Stop focusing on him and focus on living your own life, don't waste anymore of your time chasing after someone that only sees you as an option. You are the prize and don't forget it! X

You've done the right thing and although it may feel awful right now it will get better. Don't worry too much about other peoples lives it will come there will be better guys.

Being with someone like that isn't good, I did that and ignored my gut and it turned bad. Now after a decade I'm back to the drawing board and alone again. Things will work out.

Most of my friends are attached now, some with kids. I live alone and do find myself comparing my life with theirs. I just would really love companionship in my life. Living alone and only having yourself to depend on can be bloody hard sometimes!

It's this paragraph here that sums up why you keep allowing your ex to treat you as he does.
You so badly want companionship in your life that you hope your ex will come good because its easier to move to that stage with someone you already know rather than start afresh with someone new.

Its interesting that you mention only having yourself to depend on but you mention 3 sisters and lots of friends, surely you can depend on them?

I think you need to try and change your mindset of companionship with someone will make your life better because it sounds like you've got a pretty good life as it is.

A partner should enhance your life and not be your life - is my mantra.
Your ex won't ever enhance your life so cut him off completely and move on.

I think we can all relate to an extent

what you’ve done is sent that text and then as he’s agreed to meet you’ve assumed this means he’s open to getting back with you and for excited and hopeful

however the text can be read two ways depending on your mindset. For you, it seems you’re clear you want to get back with him in that text.at no point did he say he wished to meet to discuss your future in terms of getting back together.

He’s read it and thought you’ve said enough time has passed let’s be friends as we haven’t seen each other for a year and ensure we have closure on the relationship , it’s that ambiguous.

he’s backed out as he’s realised you have a different motive.

i think deep down you know you cant spend your life alone pining for this man. And you need to accept it’s over, it will not restart. What you wish to happen will not happen. As hard as that is. And try to stop your mind trying to find any little sign like he secretly wants to be with you. Like the “it’s not inappropriate” . Or he’s texting or agreed to meet so must want to be with me. It’s not the case. If he wished to be with you, you’d know, he’d have said so.

in reality this is a situation of your own making, you sent a text that could be read two ways.and then proceeded to assume his mindset must be the same as yours so he was thinking as you were thinking, which isn’t the case.

maybe counselling will help if you really can’t move on?

He didn't treat you well when you were together, he's not treating you well now. He won't treat you well in the future. What has he got to offer you, what do you think you need from him? He's really a nothing and you need to not give him space in your head or heart. You have a full life with friends and family work and hobbies. There's no room for this looser in your head or your life. Shake him off, don't allow him to hold you back.

I suppose I mean financially its more difficult when you're paying all the bills alone. Putting together an ottoman bed the other week would have been a lot easier with someone to help me. Someone to share domestic tasks with. I would LOVE to not have to mow my own lawn every other weekend in the summer. All of these things I can do alone and don't lean on my friends and family for. It would just be a hell of a lot easier if there was another person!

I would disagree slightly here as throughout the summer he was trying to meet and specifying it was to talk about discussing reuniting. I was wary for obvious reasons and in August we finally planned to meet and he was being a bit rubbish (I asked him to book a table at a restaurant and on the day it turned out he forgot I had even suggested that) so I cancelled stating that if we are going to meet up to even think about trying again I need to know he's keen and not wishy washy as I didn't want to get hurt again if his heart wasn't totally in it. Since rescheduling again there was no mention that he was now dating someone else or that his mindset had changed so I don't feel like its that out there to assume he still wanted to meet for the same reason?
I think he knows full well why we were supposed to be meeting but is manipulating the situation so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Him moving on with someone else finally allows you to not invest any more time on him. Ambiguous no more.
Wish him well; ask him to not contact you again and block him.
Start afresh with many new clubs and groups and do things that make you joyous.

This is what I'm trying to keep in my mind. He never made me truly happy. He's an avoidant attachment style who liked his own space and affection was lacking as was emotional support. I remember if he initiated a kiss or cuddle I would feel so elated in that moment as it never happened unless it was to initiate sex. I remember once shopping in London and he put his hand on my lower back as we were waiting to cross the road. Just the fact that this stands out to me as a significant memory says it all. I think most people in couples probably wouldn't even give it a second thought 🥺

Yep, all of this.

I totally get it and I wasted the best years of my life pining over an off-on-again ex I worshiped who wouldn't commit. Cold turkey and absolutely zero contact is the only way to get over him. It does get easier honestly. I've had zero contact with my ex for nearly 3 years now and I can honestly say I'm completely indifferent to him now.

I threw away my 20s on a relationship like this. By the time I snapped out of it and found a decent man, my fertility had already fallen off the proverbial cliff. Don't waste another second on this dick of a man.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Czb6L4srVav/?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

this might be helpful “dealing with addiction to fuck boys”

*....think why the hell is he telling me he will meet me to talk about out future when he is actively seeing someone else and the answer to that was that he assumed I was also dating and he didn't realise what we were meeting for or that I felt this way!

....To see how we feel after not seeing each other and have a chat about where we are and how we are feeling" I thought that text was obviously stating that the meet up was to see if we want to pick things up or end contact for good, but he's now saying he thought I just wanted to be friends and meet up to see how that would go*

Hmm.

Sounds like bullshit to me.

I agree it's misleading/confusing.

And I really don't understand why he so wants to be friends or thinks you would want to be friends... It's not possible for most ex couples. Thats reality.
And it's particularly reality when one person was not ok with the relationship ending/would not have ended it (as is often the case).

It's unrealistic to expect to be friends. Does he not have the slightest empathy to think it might not be comfortable for you to be friends while he's got a new girlfriend etc.

He's just a head doer. And he sounds very mixed up himself.

I bet if you had a steady bf, he wouldn't want to be friends, you just wouldn't hear from him. Or he'd act like he wanted you back til you dumped your new bf and then go non committal on you again.

Honestly I suspect he's one of these guys who doesn't want an ex; but also doesn't want her to properly move on either. They feel a long-term ownership thing and want her fixated on them and to have the option to have her again if they feel like it.
While he of course, meets other women and gets into relationships etc.

Just a head wrecking, time stealer.

I've said it already but I'll say it again ...D women we don't have the time to waste finding a partner if we want a family. Block him and try your utmost to meet other people.

I had a relationship like this and sadly the only thing you can do is cease all contact. Block him on everything, go cold turkey and every time you are tempted to unblock him remember what he put you through. I found that having a friend to be accountable to helped- she would make sure I didn't get drunk and emotional and text him and moon over him and she also would regularly tell me off for thinking of doing it. That really helped. Also I read a few self help books about getting over a bad relationship, toxic relationships (cliche!) which helped loads and I had been sceptical before picking them up. Good luck, it's hard.

This.

He will never change. All you can do is completely cut off from him. He'd jerk you around like this your entire life if you let him.

And I really don't understand why he so wants to be friends or thinks you would want to be friends

probably doesn’t think any further than ‘I could do with an ego boost’.

Of course things are tighter financially hut thousands of women do it and itsactually great that you are not relying on a man.

As for physical stuff, I get that having an extra person to help with putting stuff together is a plus.

Your comment about mowing the garden made me laugh, when I was on dating apps over the summer I put that I was looking for someone just to mow my garden as I was bored sick of it😂
Loads of men offered me help😂

Ok that’s fair, but it’s a drip feed. As this is anonymous we were not to know this.

I understand you feel sad but don’t feel stupid. He is a total idiot and that’s not your fault. You seem like a genuinely warm person who tried to see the best in him. Sadly he has no best.
Block him and delete his number from everywhere. This is over now.
You’ll meet someone else and you’ll be happy.

This is hard because you have feelings for him. You have feelings for one of his personalities. What I am saying is he's inconsistent and therefore he lives in a contradicting state all the time. He won't make sense because it doesn't make sense. You are desperately trying to make sense of a situation that is being created by him through his CHOICES. It's so very hard to separate it all and look at it clearly. I'm speaking from experience by the way. I walked around for 8 months until he returned trying to process what had been a shit show looking back. He was in and out my life having mood swings. Backing off. Talking to others and loosing his focus on me..I had no idea half the time what he was up to! Some of it is hindsight now. I felt like he was the love of my life. But he was finding it easy to switch and change all the time. In our time together there's so many stories of mini break ups..confusing stuff online going on..all the while my gut was screaming at me that he was a liar..he wasn't serious. He was not commiting. I took him back for another year after 8 months apart. The cycle started again. He seemed more commited in terms of staying with me. He actually came off social media. But it meant nothing. Every couple of months there was this feeling that he was up to something. He'd find ways to be annoyed at me for a few weeks. I still spent time with him but sometimes an argument would result in 2 or 3 days barely talking so we'd not meet up. I could never understand how I wa making him mad. But in the end I realised he didn't give a flying F about my feelings.. so when I sensed the lack of a effort or the sudden disinterest and I tried to communicate, I'd be told I was paranoid and looking for problems, putting stress on him and adding to his problems. But none of it was true. He just had his mind elsewear.

I fell out of love for him recently and let go of the idea of happines. He has hurt so many people with his attitude and lack of commitment he's now 50 years old and totally alone..his family have even walked away.

Some people are so comfortable at lying and playing games they will drive people mad. He's driven you bonkers..you desperately need to find a way to break this cycle. Therapy. You tube. Long walks in nature. Journaling. Because he's got you trapped and he's robbing you of years of your life.

After a while I resented him. He'd eaten into my energy and life so much that I hadn't even gone and done simple things I once loved for ages and I was constantly distracted

The reason he says I'm not sure, I don't know, is because he cannot tell you the truth. The truth is he doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to be with you. If he did he would never have broken up with you he could never have walked away. Look at this from his point of view imagine you yourself doing what he's done to you what would make you treat a man the way he's treated you he's showing you that you're not the right person for him and he's not the right person for you. As others have said he's using you as an ego boost almost as an insurance policy that if he does not find anyone who suits him and that he can love, he always has you to fall back on when he is feeling a bit lonely or needs a s*. You are totally wasting your life with this ridiculous ping pong situation. I know you love him but that's not enough two people have to love each other for it to work and he clearly does not love you, he's made this so clear again and again. Don't let him keep you dangling on a string for the rest of your life. I know it's hard to fall out of love with someone I was in a very similar situation to you I was stuck for years like that and I totally regret it. Please don't be like me. Cold turkey is the only way to get free of any addiction. Good luck