Feeling sad and stupid- rejected by ex again

[Sundaycoffee]

I was with my ex for 5 years on and off. He was a commitmentphobe but i adored him. He ended things with me 3 times over the course of our relationship "im not sure this is right" or "i need some space" and then always came back to me begging for another chance.
We finally ended in 2019 (his decision). Since then he has always been "around" whether thats the odd text or bumping into each other (we went through a period of sleeping together which I put a stop to as it was too hard for me) but really I've never properly shaken him off. I know this is entirely my fault.
I have tried to date other people but none of them have stuck and to be honest, I don't think I have ever been over him.

I haven't seen him in a year which is the longest I've ever done. I haven't had any desire to date as im comparing everyone to him but I would love a relationship, I'm not sure how to get past this and feel as though I still have him on a pedestal.

This August he made noise about potentially meeting up to talk which I stupidly agreed to. I cancelled twice because I was scared of being hurt and worried how I would feel after the meet.
Finally decided to meet up to see what he has to say- this was going to be tomorrow for a coffee. I messaged him today asking what the plan was and he replied saying he doesn't know if we should meet and that as its been so long he has "kind of moved on". Despite sending me messages throughout the week and not mentioning any of this until now.
I feel totally stupid and very upset.
I know this is all my fault for continuing to entertain him and I'm angry at myself.
I've replied asking him is this his final decision and he's ignored it.

My self esteem is low and I have trouble trusting my own thoughts (largely due to how he has treated me) so I am always second guessing myself and any decision I make.
I'm not sure what I am after from this thread. I know the obvious advice is to now block and delete. Think I just need a handhold and really some advice from anyone who's struggled with dating after a relationship. I haven't slept with anyone else for 10 years now and it just feels totally overwhelming x

@Milliemoos5 I'm glad you are feeling positive about the situation now. Hopefully I will be there one day too 😊How did you get out of the situation? Did he end it or you?
I feel a bit calmer today, but definitely ups and downs. I've been binging relationship YouTube videos which is helping me realise why this has happened how coping tactics. Self esteem and need for validation definitely plays a huge part in why I've stayed x

Therapy is really helpful in processing what's happened and to work on yourself, why you ended up in it and to try rebuild your self esteem.

Took me a while to do it myself but it's one of the best decisions I've made.

Very familiar with this type. Doesn't know what he wants. Reels you in only to drop you. Stay strong and block. I literally wasted decades on a guy like this but luckily met someone else. I still know the commitment phone and he is extremely lonely and a total f-up - incapable of having a relationship with anyone.

*commitment phobe not phone!

I'm hoping this will be the same story here. It does genuinely make me feel ill knowing that he's with someone else and not even thinking about me while I'm pining after him and hanging on for his text.
I keep telling myself that he is someone else's problem now and even though they might be in the honeymoon period now that it won't last and he will be the same as he was with me. It just doesn't seem fair when they just move on without a glance backwards and I'm left picking up the pieces sitting at home on my own every night x

Yep it's off the scale frustrating. As the new one will find out, sooner or later (after she's wasted her precious time on him). Men like this really should come with a warning tattooed on their forehead. Wishing you all best of luck for meeting someone without this issue who loves and values you x

Writing on here because I feel weak. Weak because its been nearly 2 weeks and he hasn't reached out to me. I'm used to the same cycle of things ending and him eventually reaching out. He hasn't this time and its making me feel wretched. He has someone else and he isn't thinking about me, but I am thinking about him. I hate this. Its awful when you're so used to a a cycle where they always come back. This is the first time he hasn't. I've been on a lovely night out with a friend and have got home and felt very alone. Thoughts of him in bed with her tonight are killing me 😓

You need to own this, it is your choice to see him or not he is not forcing you

If you don't want to see him say no, stop blaming him because you don't know how too

The problem is that I do want to see and speak to him very much x

As something to think about, do you you really or just like the attention?

I am not asking you to answer me just for yourself

This will take years. Honestly years. But you have to believe that you are wasting your life on this man.

The only way over this is to work on yourself. You need to focus on getting your self esteem to a place where you would never allow someone to treat you like this.

He likely has attachment issues, but he also has very little respect for you, he knows you are someone he can treat badly and you will forgive him. Never give that chance again.

He is not who you think he is. He is not good enough for you. Start saying that to yourself over and over. Never unblock him on any platform. Think of it like heroin, you're getting over an addiction and it's too dangerous to go near anyone who has it.

The thing is, you have attachment issues too- the drive to be in such an unhealthy dynamic is underpinned by something you need to work through. I strongly suggest finding a good therapist.

I doesn't matter what people say, it is only what people do that matters. And his behaviour shows that he doesn't have what it takes to be a good man in your life.

As soon as someone drops their end of things, you have to drop it too. Else you're just training them to believe it's okay to use you and disrespect you.

Focus on develooing your own self belief, go to the gym, lean into your career or hobbies, or make money, or whatever it is that will make you proud of yourself. You will get to a point that you cannot belief you ever wanted such a spineless, self serving man. You are so much better than this. I promise.

Op stop it. This is time to pull your shoulders back and see thst you have allowed this man to abuse you.

He has.never given you mixed signals. He has given a very very clear signal that he is not interested in you. He has chosen to leave you and move on and be with someone else. Stop interpreting his vile little breadcrumbs of the faintest attention as mixed signals

A partner to mow your lawn hold your hand be there for you is further along your path jn life...but in order to find that man you first have to raise your standsrds

You have an insecure attachment style and this man is confirming in you your deepest belief...that you are difficult to love

You are responding to his vile and unkind behavior with longing as a puppy whose owner just keeps kicking him does. Because its what you think you deserve.

Go and have therapy i promise you will eventually see the truth that this man is horrible weak unkind and pathetic

You can completely change your life and find love. I know this because i was in your position and i had therapy ...really changed my life and mindset about love and am now happily married.

Btw the person i cried over is still a dick and your ex will still be a dick when you are moved on and happy

Please stop analysing the breadcrumbs of shit this man randomly throws your way. A banal comment about a baby on instagram?? Op kindly...you need a slap in the face . This man does not give a shit about you

Call a therapist tomorrow. You are in a mental prison and i promise you can escape

@waterrat
Everything this poster says.

Take this advice.

Work on yourself and keep working on yourself.

Your addiction needs to stop.

Sundaycoffee

just hang on in there
it’s a process and it’s painful

im now 2 months out of an off and off situationship and I’m stunned it went on for a long as it did tbh

im also processing and having a fuck ton of intrusive thoughts

However my brain is free !
my WhatsApp is a safe place
and IF he popped up I can safely say I wouldn’t go back

healing ❤️‍🩹 is not going to be overnight and you are totally cold turkey

Therapy helps , that said I was on and off with mine for a year during therapy
how she bit her tongue I don’t know 😂

I think you are wallowing a bit and have become addicted to him. It'll take a while, but you absolutely need to live in the moment and stop hankering for someone who behaved the way he did. When the thoughts start coming you could acknowledge that you miss him but he wasn't good for you. Find a phrase, stick to it and repeat. And make yourself do something to take your mind off it.

Absolute wisdom on here. I’m 56 and wish mumsnet had been around when I was in my 20s . I spent years mourning a guy who’d dumped me after a 3 year relationship. Only incidentally with therapy in my 40s ( for other issues) did my emotional addiction make sense and it allowed me to see it for what it was. Don’t waste years as I did. Your only way to emerge triumphant is to move away emotionally. Life really is full of opportunities if you are open minded, receptive and living in the present.

@Sundaycoffee Keep your head up. Understand how you feel but you need to be strong and see it for what it is. Like others have said you seem to have an attachment issue, which could have been there before but been made worse by his behavior.

I can relate as I am the same, just a guy instead and the same thing happened to me. I was like you when I was younger and I got treated like absolute shit and abused for our entire relationship and marriage, yet still I stayed and took it all. It's so bad third parties are shocked yet I brushed it off.

Weeks after we separated she took everything, our money, house, children, lied and scapegoated me and hasn't let me see or talk to our children in eight months now. I went through hell and back, just like you are now until eventually it stopped and I saw just how bad it was too. It takes time to heal. Not fully out as I got all this going on but nothing like I was early on.

Go to therapy like I have, pick apart what has happened and why you are this way. Just like others have said, it works and it's working for me too. I don't want to go back, I am myself again, the person I was before I fell into that trap, only stronger, I now understand myself and have boundaries. The only thing that concerns me now is my children.

You are worth so much more than that guy, he doesn't deserve your kindness. People like that prey on kind people and bend them to their will.

You can survive alone without him, don't waste your energy be angry if anything not sad. In time you will find someone who is your equal and all will become clear.