Feeling sad and stupid- rejected by ex again

[Sundaycoffee]

I was with my ex for 5 years on and off. He was a commitmentphobe but i adored him. He ended things with me 3 times over the course of our relationship "im not sure this is right" or "i need some space" and then always came back to me begging for another chance.
We finally ended in 2019 (his decision). Since then he has always been "around" whether thats the odd text or bumping into each other (we went through a period of sleeping together which I put a stop to as it was too hard for me) but really I've never properly shaken him off. I know this is entirely my fault.
I have tried to date other people but none of them have stuck and to be honest, I don't think I have ever been over him.

I haven't seen him in a year which is the longest I've ever done. I haven't had any desire to date as im comparing everyone to him but I would love a relationship, I'm not sure how to get past this and feel as though I still have him on a pedestal.

This August he made noise about potentially meeting up to talk which I stupidly agreed to. I cancelled twice because I was scared of being hurt and worried how I would feel after the meet.
Finally decided to meet up to see what he has to say- this was going to be tomorrow for a coffee. I messaged him today asking what the plan was and he replied saying he doesn't know if we should meet and that as its been so long he has "kind of moved on". Despite sending me messages throughout the week and not mentioning any of this until now.
I feel totally stupid and very upset.
I know this is all my fault for continuing to entertain him and I'm angry at myself.
I've replied asking him is this his final decision and he's ignored it.

My self esteem is low and I have trouble trusting my own thoughts (largely due to how he has treated me) so I am always second guessing myself and any decision I make.
I'm not sure what I am after from this thread. I know the obvious advice is to now block and delete. Think I just need a handhold and really some advice from anyone who's struggled with dating after a relationship. I haven't slept with anyone else for 10 years now and it just feels totally overwhelming x

Thanks so much everyone. Hearing the unbiased opinions and advice from you all is helping me leaps and bounds.
I'm struggling with no contact this evening. After not replying to my last WhatsApp I have managed to pull back and not message again. Last night he responded to one of my Instagram stories (he still follows me but I don't follow him)
I posted a photo of my new nephew and he messaged me saying "he looks like a <insert my surname>"
Just such a headf*ck after he completely ignored my last whatsapp asking how his day went and then does this as if he hasn't ignored me for 4 days on another platform.

How is it a head fuck though? It’s just a generic comment? He doesn’t want to interact personally. Just try to not text him again. If he wants to text you he will.

Remove him on Instagram and all other social media. Stop leaving ways for him to pop up.

Yeah I see what you mean. I'm not reading into anything from that perspective, but if I had made it clear that I didn't want to talk to someone I wouldnt start commenting on their social media posts as if nothing had happened or i hadnt left them hanging. Just feels a bit cruel saying "I need time to think and process this", followed by ignoring me completely and then just popping up on my socials commenting on something totally random.

I wonder what kind of validation you got from your father as a child. Just asking because I didn’t get much ( realising my father probably had autism which I think contributed). At 20 I fell head over heels with a guy who was emotionally distant, had a lot of the same preoccupations as my dad but I was oblivious to this until it popped up over 2 decades later in therapy, I thought the therapist was off her rocker because my ex fancied himself as a communist and my dad was right wing. It’s comical really, what they had in common was their lack of availability ( to me) and the emotional energy they put into worrying about abstract things. I think as women we sometimes re visit the difficult dynamics we experienced as children, but in our romantic relationships, probably subconsciously hoping to come out victorious this time round.

It may be an innocent type of comment but I doubt the intention was innocent. There is no reason for him to do so as he's got nothing to do with you any more. He's just making his presence known, full well knowing you will see it and be confused by it.

You should block him everywhere then he won't be able to any more.

What you should have replied is Thank God you've moved on I was only meeting you to be polite as we go back along way. Good Luck and then block him x

Also he doesn't really want a relationship but doesn't want anyone else to have you. X

He didn’t treat you well before
he’s not treating you well now
he wouldn’t treat you well in the future
the dream partner and happy life you’re imagining does not exist with him.
if you really do want a partner you need to let go of him, because he isn’t it and you can’t let anyone else in whilst you’re preoccupied with him.

Block him on everything including Instagram.

He is cruel. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He enjoys toying with you. He does not have your best interests at heart. He thinks you are weak, and can be reeled in when he wants an ego boost, or just fancies being cruel.

It's a game. You are both playing your part. You are going to be doing this for a long time unless you don't pull away meaningfully. He's a dick, stop trying to analyse him. Just a dick. That's all.

Mowing a lawn is a pita, but he is a bigger pita.

i don’t know op, everyone over analyzes and thinks everyone sits thinking up machivalian ways to toy with people. The truth is much more mundane. Really the comment was neither intimate, romantic, or even remotely over friendly. It was simply a throwaway comment that likely had little to no thought behind it, not some grand plot as some folks seem to think .dull I know but likely the truth of it.

for your own sake you need to try to move on, he possibly doesn’t understand how deeply this is affecting you or how desperate you are, which is a good thing, but he doesn’t realise it because he doesn’t feel the same and isn’t giving it the same thought, so for him a throwaway comment on insta meant nothing.

It's done. As of tonight. I'm embarrassed about how long it's taken me to get there but I've blocked and deleted. I'm in absolute bits. He strung me along for 3 weeks saying he wasn't sure how he felt until finally I demanded an answer from him this evening. He told me he hadn't changed anything and had still been seeing and sleeping with this new person while I've spent the past 3 weeks in turmoil. I told him if thats what he wants i will move on and it will be as if ive never existed. His words were just "ok move on" I snapped and just went on a rampage and blocked him on everything and unfriended all his family and friends on socials. I'm devastated and never thought after so many years that it would come to this. I never thought he would treat me with such disregard.
Someone please tell me it will be ok

@Sundaycoffee its going to be ok. This is the first step of the rest of your life, but pray god don’t contact him again and get another psychological kicking. He’s spent too long fucking with your feelings that it’s time to turn the focus back on you. 3 weeks was 3 weeks too long to keep you dangling. Take control and don’t let that happen again, ok?

let me tell you, 4 years ago my then-fiancé of two years fucked off to the states for work and started acting shady. He gave me the whole ‘oh I’m so confused/heartbroken’ spiel (we both knew it was in trouble) and then whilst I was heartbroken and stunned from this confession, he miraculously started commenting positively on all my social media photos - pure damage limitation! The gesture was guilt driven but it actually meant sweet FA. The guy was/is a coward and the sooner I got shot of someone who wasn’t 110% certain about me, the sooner I got my life back. The next chapter was so much nicer and more peaceful without him and his flip flopping. Please learn from this, Op. you’ve done the right thing and this shitty feeling is temporary

I was in a similar relationship in my late teens early twenties. We stayed friends for twenty years after until he died.
sad reality is- if someone wants to be with you they will. He just isn’t that into you. Go and read the book.

Good on you
Cut him off
He doesn't love you, that's all you need to understand
If he loved you,things would be different
Now you can to grieve, move on and actually find someone who will love you,will appreciate you and won't hurt you
You might meet nice guy tomorrow or in year's time but if you don't change anything now you will be stuck in this hurtful cycle with no chance for the happier future
Put yourself first , finally!

Thank you so much for replying @Getitgirl. I just feel in total shock at the moment but hearing that other people have gone through similar scenarios and come out of the other side. Funnily enough this one also fucked off to the states for work. No discussion- I was told. I waited. He dumped me 5 months after he got back.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Did you have any sort of conversation when he got back or was it done there and then?
I know its for the best deep down. My self esteem isn't good and he's now chosen another woman who he's known 5 minutes over me. God its painful!

I understand your pain.

i agonised for days whether I wanted a final conversation with him and decided that a) I wanted to take back control and b) it wouldn’t achieve anything. So I sent a brief heartfelt message thanking him for the two years but I didn’t see any value in a conversation. 2 frigging years! I then moved on with my life. It was hard but he was out of sight.

and you know what? He remarried within 2 years of us parting. I made the right call. I feel grateful every day that it’s not me married to him. You will feel the same in time but it’s raw AF right now.

Awww thank you@Teensandfuture
It was a very toxic push pull cycle for years. Tonight before I blocked him he sent me a message that he was panicking. Can you even believe this man? After telling me hes spent the past 3 weeks living the life with another woman while ive been a mess, tells me to move on and then has the audacity to message me and tell me that HE is panicking. I was so tempted to tell him to get his emotional support from his new toy but refrained.

OP I read recently that while it appears at face value that your role in this is actually the one who wants a relationship etc, that actually the way you are behaving is itself a form of commitment phobia. That you are remaining hooked to this man as it helps you avoid the terror of real commitment with someone wholeheartedly interested, and the type of life your friends are leading.

Have a think. Do you actually, in your heart, want that life. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you just want a lover who occasionally mows your lawn. Heck, maybe you want two. You could literally set this up tomorrow OP.

But if you do want the trad stuff you need to confront your own fears about finding it.

You’re using him as a red herring OP.

Well done. It can't have been easy after the dance he's led you. You will be hurting for a while but it'll get less. Keep him blocked and deleted. Now take time to recover and build up your self esteem. Onwards and upwards!

I've replied asking him is this his final decision and he's ignored it.

Right, so as it turns out, YOU got the final decision and he knows it. This is why he is 'panicking' - his power has been taken away.

Please delete him from your contacts now so that you're never tempted to unblock him and remember that you were the one who put an end to this for good.

You acknowledged that your self esteem is damaged, so this is the first step in rectifying that and that's great - keep going and don't look back!

This resonates so much with me! I was in this exact same situation for two years and only just now emerging from it. Your words are so wise I am going to save this part to re-read even I weaken.

@Again12 how did you find the strength to finally break away and how did you do it?
It sounds similar to my situation too. Hot and cold, seemed pissed off with me half the time, stonewalling for days, not wanting to discuss issues, keeping me at arms length emotionally.
Did it take you a long time to get over?

@librarycards somehow that rings true. I had a kind of limerance thing in my 20s about someone who cheated on me and dumped me after 3 years. But while we were together I was terrified of marriage and real commitment.

Sounds wildly familiar! I was dating a huge avoidant this year… he’d tell me how amazing I am, how smart I am.. wrote to me as if he was Shakespeare with all these big dramatic sentences. But couldn’t get him to commit to me.. he’d stonewall for days then send me a picture of his foot being xrayed or how how’s hurt his knee or how he’d had a chest infection before he’d gone on holiday, all sorts of excuses as to why he’d been quiet for a few days

hed say ‘my mum asked me today about my love life but I didnt say anything cos she’d never understand’ or ‘we are meant to be together. Even if I end up marrying someone else, I’ll be thinking of you when I’m walking down the aisle’ 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ now I can see it was all utter nonsense. It takes a while to see that, it really does, but you will get there xx