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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend 38M is very sensitive and easily offended

119 replies

inspectorg · 01/11/2023 03:40

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years . I'm a 39F. We live together and for the most part spend most of our free time watching tv. Ever since he moved in I've been realizing that I offend him a lot . Today we got into a huge argument, without sharing too many personal details, he walked in on me in the bathroom practically with my pants down and I slowly closed the door on him, I wasn't upset just embarrassed and he quickly apologized with a tone and said he thought I was brushing my teeth, after I finished with the bathroom and walk to the kitchen I said "now you can use the bathroom", This comment took him over the rail he said it was not necessary and it was unkind. I explained that it was said in a playful sarcastic way but he was upset enough to deny my sexual advances by stating he wasn't in the mood any longer. I became irate because we had already had an argument earlier and had managed to move past it and now here we were less than 12 hrs later in another pile of it. We got into an argument earlier because I was standing behind him while he was doing dishes, I saw he was doing his last dish and thought I'll wait until he's done to use the garbage pale under the sink so I don't have to inconvenience him by asking him to move, but the fact that I was standing there for about 20 seconds confused him he claimed, with an annoyed voice he said, "why are you standing over me". I walked away and said I wanted to use the garbage and I don't see what the problem is in waiting for you to finish with the dishes, I was standing there not a problem for me why is it a problem for you. He said it wasn't unkind that I mocked him. He insinuated he wanted an apology, I said no, not gonna apologize, not only had I NOT mocked him, I was simply stating my intentions, all I said was I can stand there if I want to, and I'm unsure why me standing there is a problem.
Long story short, these types of things always happen, almost daily. He demands an apology for things that I don't believe merits an apology, he says I'm unkind for these types of behavior but I don't see how I'm unkind. Apologizing for my personality is basically what he's asking of me. I've asked him if he even likes me. With how often I offend him it feels odd he'd still want to stick around. He claims he love everything about me. It's confusing. He's yet to make any of my family outings since we moved in together because everytime we get invited to one we're fighting, we're fighting 80% of the times.
I'm beyond my wits, I don't know what to do. I'm here because I'm running out of options. I love him a lot, but these constant run-ins are bringing me down. We've yet to go a whole week without fighting and it's been this way for a year. When we've gone on vacation together it's even worse. He becomes irritable at things that may be more on the spontaneous side. Or when he tries something new and isn't good at it. Or if he's running late, or if I ask him to take a picture with me after we already took one that day. I love being spontaneous I also love doing new things, but every time he heads to my business to help me with some small updates it turns into a fight. I don't want to end things but I also don't want to live this way. I should also mention that he smokes weed daily.

OP posts:
Epidote · 02/11/2023 07:38

You got both a different standard in the use of personal private space. I wouldn't take offence for the toilet thing I thing he was overstepping there and you mentioning the toilet is free wouldn't cause me any problem, but God, someone looking over my shoulder waiting for me to finish a task. Gosh no, I would told you to wait sitting in the sofa for five minutes or leave the dishes if you are in such a hurry you can finished them yourself.

I think your concept of personal space are very different.
The weed is a separate piece I wouldn't date a man who does that.

Illberidingshotgun · 02/11/2023 10:07

Apart from all the awful arguing, plus the fact that you spend all your free time watching TV, why on earth would you want to live with someone who smokes weed every day?

Honestly, what do you get out of the relationship? How does he make your life better?

I have been in a different but equally difficult and sad relationship that I ended a few years ago, and now my life is so different. I am now with a new partner and I never dreamed that such happiness could exist. Please allow yourself the opportunity to find that too.

Rosesarecolourful · 02/11/2023 10:32

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until you said he doesn't like the fact you are an easy going person who 'let's things slide'
Why on earth is he with you I he doesn't even like who you are? This person does not love you at all I'm sorry but you need to get rid and find someone who appreciates and cherishes who you are.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2023 10:40

What happened to you to arrive at this low point in your life?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why are you so over invested in this man?. Do you see this man as your last ever chance to have a relationship now that you are 39?. Is he really better for you than being on your own?. He is and has never been your fixer upper or project to somehow improve and or save from his own self.

Do you think that such a man would even attend such sessions?. Its most unlikely he will go anyway thankfully and besides which he is abusive towards you. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship and no decent counsellor would ever want to speak to you both in the same room. You are only convenient to him and you enable him further; that is why he is still there.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2023 10:44

"He’s hypersensitive yes but with the ugly also comes a lot of beauty".

What made you write the above?. Its not at all evident re him in your posts and denial is also a powerful force. I would think he is more paranoid than hypersensitive and the weed's making him so.

TheGoddessFrigg · 02/11/2023 11:07

I had a boyfriend exactly like this. Everything I did he criticised or get upset about. I couldnt say anything without him interpreting it as an attack.
By the end of the relationship I weighed 48k and was close to being sectioned (seriously) .
And he didnt smoke weed- he was just an abusive arse.

obje · 02/11/2023 11:17

Yalta · 01/11/2023 04:28

Why the need to specify an age and being male?
The exact age is Irrelevant and being male is covered when you refer to him as your boyfriend

I don't think DO does state his age or sex?!
She refers to him as her boyfriend but doesn't say he's male? She also says her age but not his.

What exactly is the issue?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/11/2023 11:25

The heading says My boyfriend 38M

NotLactoseFree · 02/11/2023 11:30

At best, you're incompatible - some of your examples I can see where he might find you annoying but it's hard to tell. At worst, he's a controlling dickhead - the fact that he's managed to avoid seeing your family and has ensured you're off to visit them stressed and unhappy is a massive red flag for me of a man who is trying to isolate you and control you.

I also don't understand why you want to go to counselling. YOu've been together 2 years. You have no children together. You're not married. just end it. There's no REASON to try to build this relationship - you have no commitments, joint dependents etc. This is what dating is for - to figure out if you can be together long term. Counselling is for when things are much further down the road and you're both really committed but you're struggling.

inspectorg · 02/11/2023 14:03

Update- I left out a big detail. After he rejected me sexually 2 days ago. I lost my temper and said I hate his hypersensitivity. I said I don’t want to see you right now or even talk. I was so upset that his reaction to “NOW you can use the bathroom” was received so negatively. I have a joking personality and it was meant as an ice breaker for having him seen me in the bathroom in such an awkward light.

He didn’t sleep at home. And the next day I called him to talk about it and apologize for my temper. But he has concluded that he can’t be with someone who hates a part of who he is. And he has terminated the relationship. I feel heart broken but I believe it is for the best. As you’ve all mentioned we are very different and it was bound to catch up to us.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/11/2023 14:12

YOU rang and apologised to your abuser?

God help you and your future.

Who knows if him breaking up with you is real or an effort to put you in your place, a tactic abusive men use on victims...... but if you were my daughter I would be so worried that your self respect and judgement is so poor.

You most likely have a really tough future ahead of you with abusive men if you don't up your game and learn about both.

You deserve so much better than an abusive loser🤷🏻‍♀️.

Hotchocolatemousse · 02/11/2023 14:39

inspectorg · 02/11/2023 14:03

Update- I left out a big detail. After he rejected me sexually 2 days ago. I lost my temper and said I hate his hypersensitivity. I said I don’t want to see you right now or even talk. I was so upset that his reaction to “NOW you can use the bathroom” was received so negatively. I have a joking personality and it was meant as an ice breaker for having him seen me in the bathroom in such an awkward light.

He didn’t sleep at home. And the next day I called him to talk about it and apologize for my temper. But he has concluded that he can’t be with someone who hates a part of who he is. And he has terminated the relationship. I feel heart broken but I believe it is for the best. As you’ve all mentioned we are very different and it was bound to catch up to us.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Sign on to the freedom programme as soon as you can preferably in person, if not then do it online. This will help you to focus on what's important to you, your values and helps you to draw boundaries to protect yourself.

NotLactoseFree · 02/11/2023 14:42

He isn't breaking up with you. He's simply ensuring that you continue to walk on tip toes around him. He will be back soon either grovelling or telling you he misses you and he's willing to give you "one more chance".

Say no and let this relationship end.

RedCoffeeCup · 02/11/2023 14:45

Thanks for the update OP. Probably for the best. If he changes his mind and wants you back, remind him (and yourself) how miserable you both were.

Pinkbonbon · 02/11/2023 15:46

Yeah chances are he'll be back.

But throwing a strop because he rejected you sexually isn't a good look either op. Men are allowed to say no too.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt in that your reaction was a result of his pattern of making you feel 'needy' for simply wanting human touch and compassion though.

And that you snapped because he was making you feel unloved and unlovable, not because he didn't want sex.

Or perhaps you were frustrated that he was prolonging a prior argument and withholding sex (intimacy) specifically to punish you and draw out the fight. Which of course isn't healthy on his part either.

I'd make a point of blocking him on things now because he may well be back once he feels you've been punished enough. Don't be drawn into any more conversations with him.

Just 'We decided to call it a day so it's over and done, don't contact me again'.

RubiesandRose · 02/11/2023 15:48

NotLactoseFree · 02/11/2023 14:42

He isn't breaking up with you. He's simply ensuring that you continue to walk on tip toes around him. He will be back soon either grovelling or telling you he misses you and he's willing to give you "one more chance".

Say no and let this relationship end.

This 100 percent!! He'll be back without a doubt in a day or so. This is part of the operating model. He'll be super nice, conciliatory and testing the ground until next time and there will be a next time.

Ffion1984 · 02/11/2023 23:26

I think your boyfriend may have ADHD

FinallyHere · 03/11/2023 10:58

Another vote for the https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

It can be very helpful to recognising the things in your life which are not serving you well and that it is time to give them up. Many patterns of behaviour which are not helpful stay with us unless actively challenged.

Agree with the PPs who warn that you will not have got rid of him as easily as that and that blocking g him in all media and not engaging really is the best way forward.

All the best

Achillo · 04/11/2023 10:58

This sounds identical to daily life with my ex. About 12 years in he was diagnosed with autism which explained a lot. He wasn't able to read my intentions, so he took my every word and action as an attack, even something as simple as pass the salt felt like a criticism about where he had left the salt.
I asked him if he had known at the start that he was autistic, would he have tried to meet me in the middle somewhere and he said no.
If you want to stay in a relationship like this, it will say more about you than them, as my decision did about me. I hope you have enough self worth to leave, before you lose years of your life and your health and your chance at happiness.

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