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Relationships

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My boyfriend 38M is very sensitive and easily offended

119 replies

inspectorg · 01/11/2023 03:40

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years . I'm a 39F. We live together and for the most part spend most of our free time watching tv. Ever since he moved in I've been realizing that I offend him a lot . Today we got into a huge argument, without sharing too many personal details, he walked in on me in the bathroom practically with my pants down and I slowly closed the door on him, I wasn't upset just embarrassed and he quickly apologized with a tone and said he thought I was brushing my teeth, after I finished with the bathroom and walk to the kitchen I said "now you can use the bathroom", This comment took him over the rail he said it was not necessary and it was unkind. I explained that it was said in a playful sarcastic way but he was upset enough to deny my sexual advances by stating he wasn't in the mood any longer. I became irate because we had already had an argument earlier and had managed to move past it and now here we were less than 12 hrs later in another pile of it. We got into an argument earlier because I was standing behind him while he was doing dishes, I saw he was doing his last dish and thought I'll wait until he's done to use the garbage pale under the sink so I don't have to inconvenience him by asking him to move, but the fact that I was standing there for about 20 seconds confused him he claimed, with an annoyed voice he said, "why are you standing over me". I walked away and said I wanted to use the garbage and I don't see what the problem is in waiting for you to finish with the dishes, I was standing there not a problem for me why is it a problem for you. He said it wasn't unkind that I mocked him. He insinuated he wanted an apology, I said no, not gonna apologize, not only had I NOT mocked him, I was simply stating my intentions, all I said was I can stand there if I want to, and I'm unsure why me standing there is a problem.
Long story short, these types of things always happen, almost daily. He demands an apology for things that I don't believe merits an apology, he says I'm unkind for these types of behavior but I don't see how I'm unkind. Apologizing for my personality is basically what he's asking of me. I've asked him if he even likes me. With how often I offend him it feels odd he'd still want to stick around. He claims he love everything about me. It's confusing. He's yet to make any of my family outings since we moved in together because everytime we get invited to one we're fighting, we're fighting 80% of the times.
I'm beyond my wits, I don't know what to do. I'm here because I'm running out of options. I love him a lot, but these constant run-ins are bringing me down. We've yet to go a whole week without fighting and it's been this way for a year. When we've gone on vacation together it's even worse. He becomes irritable at things that may be more on the spontaneous side. Or when he tries something new and isn't good at it. Or if he's running late, or if I ask him to take a picture with me after we already took one that day. I love being spontaneous I also love doing new things, but every time he heads to my business to help me with some small updates it turns into a fight. I don't want to end things but I also don't want to live this way. I should also mention that he smokes weed daily.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 01/11/2023 07:10

I had an Ex like this, you could set your watch by his tantrums about some perceived criticism. My life was so much better once we split. You need to split up, OP.

RedCoffeeCup · 01/11/2023 07:13

I had an ex like this, we fought nearly every day about stupid tiny things. When we split up and I got together with DH it was such an enormous relief to be with someone who didn't pick fights the whole time. I'm not sure if it was even my ex who was the problem, maybe it was the way the two of us interacted as a couple. But anyway it was miserable.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 07:16

End things, he's sucking the joy out of your life. Much more of this and your self-esteem will be toast.

Basilton · 01/11/2023 07:23

AgentJohnson · 01/11/2023 06:06

Given the examples you've given, I’d say you both sound like hard work. Don’t you think standing behind someone for twenty minutes while they did the washing up is odd? Go away and come back but standing there for twenty minutes, I’d be weirded out by that, being asked to temporarily move out of the way would be my personal preference in that situation. However, in your head he wasn’t inconvenienced by your actions, therefore his opinion wasn’t valid.

What does come across in your posts is that you appear to be completely unaware of your part in your miscommunications. I’m not saying you are at fault but in the specific examples given, your behaviour has been a contributing factor.

I don’t know if this adjustment behaviour awkwardness or a sign of deep seated communication/ personality incompatibility. Talk through your issues, if there is no improvement then he will need to move out, luuuurve is not an altar to sacrifice your happiness.

I a glad you said that, I was thinking it is just me. I’d be pretty annoyed if my husband stood silently behind me whilst I was washing up too. You both sound like you can be difficult. Just end it, you will both be happier.

RedCoffeeCup · 01/11/2023 07:29

Not 20 minutes - 20 seconds! She was just waiting for him to finish the last plate.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2023 07:29

Why, why, why??

WHY do you want to do be in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy?

I just don't get it.

Be single. Be free. Be happy.

localnotail · 01/11/2023 07:33

You picked a dud. Bin him. Whatever is his problem (ND, issues in the past, his personality) he sounds unbearable and it should not be your problem.

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 07:34

Hes embarrassed regards the toilet etc. I think he had bad childhood, constantly criticised, not loved , kissed etc. He has low self esteem. He needs counselling. Doesnt mean you have to stick around but he needs to look at why hes doing these things.

Dery · 01/11/2023 07:35

You should have begun with your final sentence, OP. Habitual weed use will likely be contributing. He does sound very tricky. This isn’t how a healthy relationship works. Why are you so keen to hang on to it?

IncomingTraffic · 01/11/2023 07:35

Why, why, why??

This.

Why do we need Reddit-style ‘my boyfriend (38M)’ posts, beyond making it abundantly clear that the people involved are far too old for this drama.

You’re 39, why are you living with a man who doesn’t seem to even like you and treats you poorly? Life is far too short for this shit.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/11/2023 07:36

I agree standing behind someone for 20 minutes would be annoying, however it was 20 seconds so not the same thing at all.

@inspectorg he’s not going to change, this is him. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Get him out and start living your life the way you want to.

Jewelspun · 01/11/2023 07:37

That fact that he is an objectionable little man, doesn't this bother you -

'spend most of our free time watching tv.'

What an absolute waste of your life.

Why doesn't he want to do anything? m
Slobbing in front of the tv and doing nothing else is bound to send people over the edge.

Get rid of him and find someone who thinks there's more to life than parking his arse in front of the telly and rotting his brain.

icelollycraving · 01/11/2023 07:39

Fuck me, life is too short for that shitshow. End it asap and tell him why.

savethisusernametoday · 01/11/2023 07:41

If you're only happy 20% of the time, is that really how you want to live your life OP?

I was once in a relationship with someone who was incredibly selfish and who treated me awfully due to some kind of trauma. He wouldn't access help and life was just miserable, a constant see saw of me trying to not upset or trigger him.

I eventually realised (thanks to a tough talking friend!!) that I was about 80% unhappy too and it was like the lights all came on.

I was thinking that if I just loved him the 'right' way or changed myself that I could fix him and everything would be ok. I was exhausted from constantly putting his needs first and dumbing down my life in order to not upset the fragile balance.

Tiptoeing around someone else's irritability is just awful. You probably won't even realise what a pressure cooker you're living in, until you stop living in it. The freedom of being able to live your life without constant fear of someone being upset with you, is bliss. And also a decent relationship with an emotionally healthy man does not look like the one you're in.

Only you can decide what to do but honestly, there is a much better way to exist.

Orio2023 · 01/11/2023 07:42

Mr Sensitive, as described in Lundy Bancroft book. You can read about your cry baby boyfriend here op.

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Tilllly · 01/11/2023 07:44

Will he give up weed and work on the friction in the relationship?

If not, get gone

WhatWouldHopperDo · 01/11/2023 07:49

Life in a relationship shouldn’t be this hard.

wildwestpioneer · 01/11/2023 07:50

If he's like this when you've just moved in together, when it's supposed to be the fun time, just imagine what he'll be like in 5/10 years time! Imagine what it would be like when you have dc and they are 'well children', pushing boundaries, the teenage years. Imagine how he will be when he's had no sleep due to a baby. What if one of you has a bereavement or you get ill. Naw fuck that - life is way too short to lived or try to change a fun sponge

Macaroni46 · 01/11/2023 07:55

Sounds like the daily weed smoking is making him paranoid. As previous posters have said - what's the point of the relationship? Sounds like an exhausting and dramatic way to live with the constant arguments yet also incredibly dull if you only ever watch TV. Time to move him on OP.

Nicole1111 · 01/11/2023 08:01

A high criticism low warmth relationship is a great way to make you slowly die inside and shred your self esteem. I’d run. If you’re feeling generous you could tell him something has to change and give him a week to show he has the capacity to be different but I think that’s highly unlikely to happen

bluejelly · 01/11/2023 08:02

Sounds like he is deliberately taking offence because it gives him power over you. At the moment you are fighting back, but if you stay with him, eventually you will give up and walk on eggshells around him so as not to trigger him. And he will be in control of you.
Get out whilst you can, it won't get better.

HardcoreLadyType · 01/11/2023 08:12

If you are fighting 80% of the time, it’s just not working out. Couples have arguments, but 80% of the time is ridiculous. Either you are sarcastic with him, or he is taking your innocent comments in bad faith - reading sarcasm into your tone when it isn’t there. (FWIW, I think it’s the 2nd one.)

Either way, you are not compatible. Leave him.

LittleOwl153 · 01/11/2023 08:13

Why? I should also mention that he smokes weed daily.

He is isolating you from your family, making you question what you do constantly and makes you miserable.... he's not worth it. Get rid!

TattoedLady · 01/11/2023 08:20

This shit show will suck all the joy out of your life...and leave you stinking of weed.

Un-boyfriend him.

JustKen · 01/11/2023 08:23

Agree with PP: drug use, drama, & he sounds utterly exhausting. Split up with him and be on your own for a bit.

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