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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend 38M is very sensitive and easily offended

119 replies

inspectorg · 01/11/2023 03:40

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years . I'm a 39F. We live together and for the most part spend most of our free time watching tv. Ever since he moved in I've been realizing that I offend him a lot . Today we got into a huge argument, without sharing too many personal details, he walked in on me in the bathroom practically with my pants down and I slowly closed the door on him, I wasn't upset just embarrassed and he quickly apologized with a tone and said he thought I was brushing my teeth, after I finished with the bathroom and walk to the kitchen I said "now you can use the bathroom", This comment took him over the rail he said it was not necessary and it was unkind. I explained that it was said in a playful sarcastic way but he was upset enough to deny my sexual advances by stating he wasn't in the mood any longer. I became irate because we had already had an argument earlier and had managed to move past it and now here we were less than 12 hrs later in another pile of it. We got into an argument earlier because I was standing behind him while he was doing dishes, I saw he was doing his last dish and thought I'll wait until he's done to use the garbage pale under the sink so I don't have to inconvenience him by asking him to move, but the fact that I was standing there for about 20 seconds confused him he claimed, with an annoyed voice he said, "why are you standing over me". I walked away and said I wanted to use the garbage and I don't see what the problem is in waiting for you to finish with the dishes, I was standing there not a problem for me why is it a problem for you. He said it wasn't unkind that I mocked him. He insinuated he wanted an apology, I said no, not gonna apologize, not only had I NOT mocked him, I was simply stating my intentions, all I said was I can stand there if I want to, and I'm unsure why me standing there is a problem.
Long story short, these types of things always happen, almost daily. He demands an apology for things that I don't believe merits an apology, he says I'm unkind for these types of behavior but I don't see how I'm unkind. Apologizing for my personality is basically what he's asking of me. I've asked him if he even likes me. With how often I offend him it feels odd he'd still want to stick around. He claims he love everything about me. It's confusing. He's yet to make any of my family outings since we moved in together because everytime we get invited to one we're fighting, we're fighting 80% of the times.
I'm beyond my wits, I don't know what to do. I'm here because I'm running out of options. I love him a lot, but these constant run-ins are bringing me down. We've yet to go a whole week without fighting and it's been this way for a year. When we've gone on vacation together it's even worse. He becomes irritable at things that may be more on the spontaneous side. Or when he tries something new and isn't good at it. Or if he's running late, or if I ask him to take a picture with me after we already took one that day. I love being spontaneous I also love doing new things, but every time he heads to my business to help me with some small updates it turns into a fight. I don't want to end things but I also don't want to live this way. I should also mention that he smokes weed daily.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 01/11/2023 16:53

Easy going personalities and letting things slide are prime targets for this kind of behavior I think and it can be abusive rather than just sensitive.

That's how I believe I ended up in a similar situation anyway, just endless reasons to cause an argument, never ending. Only, it wasn't an argument at all, it was just one person raging.

Whereas other people would have told him to fuck off by now. You don't need that stress honestly, it doesn't get better, it gets worse.

applebee33 · 01/11/2023 17:05

Christ I feel awkward even reading that ! Op you do not sound compatible at all sorry

averylongtimeago · 01/11/2023 17:42

Life is too short for that kind of crap.

At just 2 years in you should still be in the "honeymoon" stage, not fighting over nothing 80% of the time.

Call it a day. As he moved in with you, I assume it's your place, it shouldn't be too difficult for him to move out.

THEDEACON · 01/11/2023 17:48

You two don't makes good couple

mezlou84 · 01/11/2023 17:52

Not meaning to sound bad but it sounds like he may be on the spectrum and have other things going on. Doing things to avoid new situations and going out socially. Needing an apology for things that aren't a thing but are a big thing to him. Misunderstanding alot of social cues, not understanding banter and misinterpreting situations. My hubby and kids are on the spectrum to different degrees. Hubby is very inflexible with things and has to be done a certain way. Saying that you seriously need to consider if you can live like this long term or whether it is too much for you. My hubby has a fantastic job and is great it's just he's inflexible on certain things and OCD is off the charts in day to day.

yhk · 01/11/2023 17:58

No offence, but the guy sounds like a complete drip.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2023 17:59

And therein lies the issue. You are convinced thus relationship is some sort of problem you can fix. Couples therapy is pointless because he doesn't want to fix the relationship. He likes it broken because - he wants you broken.

He hates your easygoing nature because it makes it harder for him to break you. Abusers want you exhausted and constantly thinking if only you could do the right thing or say the right words or communicate the right way,you could fix things. It's.a.trap! He wants you to feel it's a communication issue. It's not! He's just a cunt.

This might not make sense to you op but - he is not like you. He doesn't stay because he cares about you, he stays because he enjoys pushing your buttons. You can't fix that. A councilor can't either. You can't therapise someone into being a decent human being when they are fundamentally, a cunt.

You can't fix this. I'm sorry but - choose you.

Put it this way - is it normal for you to get into inane pointless arguments with people? Do any of your other relationships go round and round in circles likes this? Probably not right? Because HE is the problem.

You cannot change you to fix him.

You cannot change the relationship if he doesn't want to.

Get off the merry go round.

It's not 'giving up on US' to leave a toxic relationship. There is no US. He hates you. If you don't believe me, look at his actions and ask - are these the actions of a person who loves me or a person who hates me? You'll see where they fall.
And yes there might be nice things but, wpuld someone who loves you do all that nasty, bitter stuff? Nope.

Choose YOU. Don't give up on YOU. Have your own back to walk, no, run, from toxic men who want you forever down in the dirt begging for the kindness, compassion and respect you deserve and never getting it.

He is a fake, a conman, a spiders web. Go!

RubiesandRose · 01/11/2023 18:34

Having been in a similar situation with an ex, we also tried couples therapy as when he wasn't being like this, he was good company and good fun.

Unfortunately he was all of the above things, the good and the bad and counselling just didn't work. The perception of being disrespected by me, over very trivial things and the tantrums were so ingrained that I had to accept that the bad didn't outweigh the good and I couldn't live my life walking on eggshells. Listen to your gut OP and leave him to it!

Flossypantsmummy · 01/11/2023 18:37

F him off! Weed is making him paranoid.

Montegufoni2017 · 01/11/2023 18:49

Eurgh. How could you not want to end things? He sounds insufferable. Get rid before you waste another year.

AutumnFroglets · 01/11/2023 18:59

I am going to try couples therapy bc I want to ensure that i do my very best to give us a chance.
@inspectorg you should NEVER have couples therapy with an abusive person. Don't do it. Go for your own if you really must, but not joint. Honestly though, why are you trying to fix the unfixable?

billy1966 · 01/11/2023 19:03

AutumnFroglets · 01/11/2023 18:59

I am going to try couples therapy bc I want to ensure that i do my very best to give us a chance.
@inspectorg you should NEVER have couples therapy with an abusive person. Don't do it. Go for your own if you really must, but not joint. Honestly though, why are you trying to fix the unfixable?

Absolutely this.

Why would you have therapy with someone who is bully and abusing you?

Clearly you are determined to play roulette with your future and waste even more time with him.

You desperately need therapy on your own.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help learn what self respect looks like.

You deserve better than this awful loser.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

perfectcolourfound · 01/11/2023 19:11

Op, re the therapy - I beg you to only consider this if your bf accepts his part in the arguements and really wants to change. If he's willing to give up the weed for good for example.

If the answer is no to any of those things, your r'ship doesn't stand a chance, and therapy will just delay the inevitable (and give him some more ammunition for accusing you of being mean).

74Violette · 01/11/2023 19:19

It sounds like he's creating arguments out of thin air and then waiting for your reaction as an excuse to escalate things. All the time you're walking on eggshells not knowing what to do. You're right not to pander to him with apologies when it would be inappropriate, don't ever fall into that trap. He's abusive to you and probably disordered, the weed won't be helping and it's just futile to stay. People that behave like this rarely improve. Put some boundaries firmly in place and let him know that if the petty arguing continues you'll have to go your separate ways.

Leafypage · 01/11/2023 19:26

It doesn’t sound if you are compatible. From experience, prolonging these kind of relationships only leads to more pain. I know it sounds ‘soft’ but trust and respect really are essential for a healthy relationship.

Fionaville · 01/11/2023 19:28

Sounds awful. The easiest, most relaxed relationship you should have, is with your other half. He definitely isn't your other half. You are not compatible.

Discointhekitchen · 01/11/2023 20:56

Exhausting. LTB

MystyLuna · 01/11/2023 21:39

I was with my ex for 9 years and we used to argue 80% of the time. He would start an argument over pathetic little things, or he would save up everything little thing that annoyed him and then wait until I was just about to fall asleep to bring them all up. So because I was tired I would be more annoyed than usual.
I used to just think that every couple had arguments and that it was normal.
We eventually split up.
I have now been with my husband for 13 years and in those 13 years we have had 11 arguments. So I realised that arguing 80% of the time isn't normal.
My husband smoked weed daily from age 18 up until January this year (25 years in total). He gave up in January after a health scare (I am very proud of him for giving up).
So it isn't necessarily the weed that is making him be like this. He could just be a jerk.
I used to have a partner like that and getting rid of him and marrying someone who I get on with 99% of the time was the best thing I ever did

Boredandbitter · 01/11/2023 22:34

The weed makes them paranoid. You will not win any fights. Leave him.

GentlemanJay · 01/11/2023 23:07

Sounds hard work. Need to get rid of him.

Andilew · 02/11/2023 01:07

She said it was 20 seconds as he washed the last plate.

MLK1977 · 02/11/2023 01:53

Pretty sure she said 20 seconds, not 20 minutes…

Howbizarre22 · 02/11/2023 06:08

You get to know each other properly when you live together I believe. And this is what’s happening-you’re discovering you are not compatible. He is insufferable!!

Shoxfordian · 02/11/2023 06:34

He sounds like a loser, couples therapy isn't going to fix this but therapy for you will give you the confidence you need to end the relationship

seafronty · 02/11/2023 06:46

There you go. As I said 100 posts of people telling you to leave. Have fun staying.

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