Married to a police officer!

[LAVENDER280090]

Hi MN, I am a male (32) with 2 kids looking for some relationship advice.

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have 2 boys one who is 4 and one 1. I am self employed, and my wife is a full time response officer.

My wife has has been working in the police for over 2 years, but since having our children it has become increasingly difficult. I realise having kids in any situation is hard, but it seems much harder when your married to a shift worker. As I am self employed, I
Pick the kids up and drop off when she is stuck at work. Have them all weekend myself when she's in bed after a nightshift. Deal with the disappointment of a cancelled rest day etc. It really is hard not to find yourself blaming your partner for not being there. I just feel like I am mostly a single parent, it's really difficult.

Please any advice on this, or anyone in a similar situation?

That's the harsh reality of shift work I'm afraid.

Policing is notoriously inflexible, there are some dept that are better than others but it's not a 'family friendly' occupational.

How does your wife feel about it? Is she happy? Does she realise how you feel?

It's mainly women that have to deal with this without a second thought, I suggest you just suck it up unless you can improve your financial situation to let her cut back on hours so she can have a better work / life balance.

I'm afraid no one would batter an eyelid if you were the shift worker and she was home picking up the extra slack. Many are in this situation.

You have my sympathy. DH has been in the job for 15yrs and it's only now the DC are older (6th form and y7) that I can concentrate on my career. He's had holidays cancelled at last minute, been refused leave in summer, been called away for weeks or months at a time at short notice, had one Christmas day off since becoming a father. He works 10-14hrs a day, 6 days in a row. It's really tough.

We make the most of the time we do have. It's about all you can do.

Is your dw happy? Would fewer hours or Flexi time be considered?

seems the reality of having kids and a worker on shifts.

Thanks for the replies. My wife loves her job. I agree it's very rewarding but also frustrating. I will never ask her to find anything else. I just feel like since starting this job our relationship has taken a battering. Passing ships in the night, tiredness, lack of intimacy, having the kids most of the time really does take its toll.

at some point im guessing things will improve, just for now its as you say passing ships.

You're just doing what 99% of mums do... we all manage to cope!

Although, I was married to a policeman, and after I had a baby we ended up splitting as he prioritised work over us. It was easier without him!

My DP is a Police Officer I also work for the police but am support staff. Both on shift work and cover on call rotas. It is often near impossible to have a family life. I often think we shouldn't have had kids. I am lucky as I can work from home mostly which means I can pick up when DP is working, doesn't get to come home on time, gets called out for 16 hours straight.

School commitments are interesting. Homework needs doing when he is on 12 hour shifts plus commute over the weekend and I'm on call often with minimal sleep and that damn phone just doesn't stop ringing.

But we manage somehow. I rarely have more than 5 hours sleep a night though. One of you will always have to cope and manage as someone else has said it's notoriously inflexible.

My DH is one. No advice other than it’s absolutely the worst thing he ever could have done for us as a family and everyday I (to myself) resent and wish he didn’t ever join the job for various situations that have occurred over the years. So, you have my sympathies!

You're just doing what 99% of mums do... we all manage to cope!

No he's not.
99% of Mums aren't married to Police Officers. Don't be ridiculous.

@LAVENDER280090 you have my immense sympathy. As all spouses of serving officers do. It is a very difficult role to combine with family life.
Plus, let's be honest, most of us found life tough with a 4 yr old and 1 yr old. Sleep deprivation and having dc totally dependent on you is hard for all parents.

Being self employed, it might give you a little bit of flexibility at least ?
But there's no denying it is tough.

There's a reason the divorce rate for police officers is so high, it's really difficult for the other partner especially with children, and the work itself is really difficult for the officer, plus the missing out on milestones/events and the shift patterns/sleep issues.
Your wife loves her job, and what she does is so valuable, I really hope you find your way through together

I feel for you.

I'm not sure what you're hoping to get from this thread however, and I don't mean that rudely...Just I'm not sure if you're asking for practical advice or emotional support?

And I'm wondering if you're feeling depressed and low? There's a lot of sadness in your post

Lots of folk are married to shift workers, I was married to someone who spent more months working overseas than at home, (he changed jobs two years ago, and is now only away two nights a week) Dc are now teens, but their early years I was on my own for weeks, occasionally months, and it was bloody hard work, juggling young dc and work, constantly rushing around like a headless chicken, and quite honestly it nearly broke me (no abled body grandparents to help out either). So yes OP it is incredibly hard for both of you, but at the end of the day, it's what many of us have to deal with. Somehow you will get through it. I think the worst bit for me was the constant low level worry as dh job meant he was often working in conflict areas, and the relief when he finally requested UK office based work was huge!

I’m a police officer. It’s tough, but like your wife I absolutely love my job and would not give it up.

My children were older when I joined, so able to understand why sometimes I had to miss things etc., and it meant childcare was less of an issue as they were both at school. I still did school runs though even after night shifts. They are both in secondary school now so sort themselves of a morning. I think I would have found it much more difficult to juggle everything with children as young as yours.

I eventually split from my husband. He would blame my job, I blame the fact that he was a serial cheat from long before I took the job.

How does that help the OP? That is a very childish way of looking at the world. It isn't about who has it worse, it should be about working as a team. The OP needs to talk to his wife.

I'm not sure parents get rest days, so they?

We’re both police officers with 4 DC. It is tough on family life and shifts can be a killer. One partner always has to be the more flexible one and that can cause resentment. Just try to appreciate each other and make sure you both have time out for yourselves individually, even a scheduled hour once a week makes a difference. However it will get easier as your children get older. Promise!

lack of intimacy

Ahhh, there it is. Wondered how long it would be before a lack of sex was mentioned 🙄

I'm married to a police officer, he's done 22 years now and in the early days when he was a response PC it was hard going. He then did undercover work and our honeymoon was cancelled when he got called into work for a 3 week stint of zero contact.

Its gotten easier as kids got older and he climbed ranks, but still school stuff relies on me and its hard as I also work.

Honestly, just suck it up. Women have had to deal with this for decades!!

I appreciate your post. Many thanks

Sorry, I didn't realise mums net was full of feminists? Some real vile responses on here

Yep, I’m female and thought when I read your post that was me with a newborn , assume that wasn’t you op as she’d have been on Mat leave. What Shift pattern does she work? You make the most of her being off when they are at school nursery , husband would do shopping during the week, do drop offs when on evenings etc. she must be able to do some drop offs pick ups?

I think that it is really hard.

My best friend was (still is!) married to a police officer and she did 99% of everything child and family related. She accepted it really early on in their relationship otherwise I think that she would have gone mad.

I'm the shift worker here. The mum guilt is bloody horrible. Is there scope to change her shift pattern? I've dropped my hours recently. But I also do it alone for 2 months at a time as do is away at sea.

I think just being a parent and working takes its toll tbh,

We have learnt to make the most of the time we do get and appreciate it more

I'll give an example. She typically works 2 early 7-4 so I do the school/nursery run. 2 late 4-3 so I do the school pickup, and the usual routine before bed, and because she has got in at 3 on a good day. Sometimes later. She then sleeps in until 10. She then goes to work at 9/10 pm until 7am maybe later, and sleeps until 4. So you can see the amount of work I am having to do. Ontop of being self employed trying to run my own business. I'm flexible but not that flexible, so it's taking its toll on me. She then has 4 days off, thats unless she has her 4th one taken off her for a training day. Usually midweek when I need to work, which means we don't get to see each other much. I'm tied between taking days off to spend Time with my family or work. And the intimate side of things is very important to me, I want to feel connected to my wife. Its hard though when she's tired from work/kids come first.