Married to a police officer!

[LAVENDER280090]

Hi MN, I am a male (32) with 2 kids looking for some relationship advice.

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have 2 boys one who is 4 and one 1. I am self employed, and my wife is a full time response officer.

My wife has has been working in the police for over 2 years, but since having our children it has become increasingly difficult. I realise having kids in any situation is hard, but it seems much harder when your married to a shift worker. As I am self employed, I
Pick the kids up and drop off when she is stuck at work. Have them all weekend myself when she's in bed after a nightshift. Deal with the disappointment of a cancelled rest day etc. It really is hard not to find yourself blaming your partner for not being there. I just feel like I am mostly a single parent, it's really difficult.

Please any advice on this, or anyone in a similar situation?

Some horrible responses here.

OP, do you have family nearby who could chip in at times? How old are your children?
Sadly self employed people are often expexted to be far more flexible than anyone else even though this does not always reflect reality. Have you spoken to your wife about all this?

Eh? It’s a site largely used by women- of course many of us are feminists! You seem to imply feminism is a bad thing? 😕 Your post also implies that you think feminists and misandrists are the same thing, which isn’t true.

Anyway, your situation sounds very tough. I hope you and your wife can find ways to make family life less stressful and more enjoyable.

My husband used to do 7 night shifts in a row, of 12 hours. He had a 2 hour commute either way, (at one-point a 3 hour commute when he was temporarily posted elsewhere).

He had a 5 week rotation of earlies, middles, lates and nights and at least 1 rest day was always taken away.

I get it, its bloody hard being the one at home, but surely you knew this was the case before you decided to have another baby? I'm sure she feels guilty enough, it's a thankless but incredibly important job she does.

You need to find ways to be connected to your wife that doesn't rely on being in bed together. DH and I would try to message as often as we could, if I was off work and he was on duty the kids and I jumped on a train to meet him for refs (which often failed if he got a shout), we booked days out at the park or soft play when rest days and weekends matched up. Her would forgoe decent lengths of sleep to get up to see the kids before/after school (and still does that now.)

Stop being annoyed at her, and start looking for ways to maximise what time you do have together.

Hi OP,

I'm married to a police officer, second husband, first was a police offer too (NOT planned and I was gutted when I found out what now DH does 🤣)

I feel your pain, however depending on whether she wants to stay as a response officer there is light at the end of the tunnel. Does she have any plans for promotion? DH is a DCI and mainly works 7am - 6pm, weekends off. Obviously, there are always things that come up which means he ends up very late or called in at the weekend but it works much better than the previous shift patterns.

Unfortunately it is par for the course when married to a shift worker of any sort, you become a 'shift widow' and feel like a single parent.

I do know that some of my DH's staff are able to have a more flexible working approach, he is very much an advocate for this and helps a lot of his staff fit around families if he can. Might be worth her having a conversation with her superiors?

Best of luck, you're doing a fantastic job and so is she.

I think shift worker + self-employed is a tough combination. The shift worker has absolutely zero flexibility (and in a very difficult profession as well) whilst all of your flexibility may come at the cost of future contracts, assuming you are regularly having to make a good impression on new customers and winning further business. I would suspect that a lot of people parenting with a shift worker are employees - which offers less flexibility but more security.

One option might be for you to look for a permanent job? Maybe one that can offer flexible hours so you can flex around her shifts.

Sometimes people need realisation (especially males as they look at their social circles and feel hard done by but for females its generally the norm) that at least his wife isn't in the army/navy and doing time away, most people manage shift work. My brother is an officer with a young child and wife who works ft and they both manage.

I work the 6/4 shifts as a response police officer and my husband is a community officer. They’re not great, I preferred our previous pattern but it is what it is. If she’s only been doing it for two years and you have a one year old, then you’ve not had long to get used to it. You can see each other after her earlies like a lot of people who work daytimes do, you can eat together before the nights and she can put them to bed as they’ll be going up before she leaves and there’s four days (three and a half days really given she finishes at 7am into day one) where she isn’t working that she’s there. I know it’s hard in the winter keeping small people entertained on your own, I’ve been there, hanging around a park all day cause DH was working or sleeping and it’s boring. But she’ll get all the cancelled rest days back, she’s got annual leave to take. They don’t disappear forever. The only time we’re guaranteed together is leave. This is the reality of being two working parents with small children unfortunately. I doubt many jobs fit together perfectly.

Sorry, I didn't realise mums net was full of feminists?

what does this mean OP? It is a difficult situation but you’re not actually doing anything that all the other partners of officers with young kids aren’t doing. Maybe some have family support - I didn’t. I’m a police officer married to a police officer but I had my children later on in my career and did my shift work before they arrived. However we’ve both had to compromise and take jobs that were not very exciting in order to manage the childcare. I’ve stepped away from investigation into non operational roles when my DH was promoted and went back onto a response team and shift work. He now has one weekend off a month. Your DW can move off the response team and move into a different direction and there will be opportunities to submit flexible working patterns in a great number or roles. What long term career goals does she have?

...and just like that, any sympathy you had evaporates into the ether.

Jog on mate, your true colours are showing.

I did these shifts as a response cop,

7-4 ish, okay can't really do much about drop off/pick up
3-10 or 4-2 - I'd do both drop offs
9pm-7am- I would sometimes do drop offs depending on DPs shift and do both pick ups. Sleep just had to come in between, unfortunately that was my sacrifice for joining with a young child and a DP who also worked shifts.

You need to speak to her before the resentment grows even further, it's a really difficult role and so easy to get caught up to the point you really can't concentrate on the normal life passing you by.

Weekends working were shit but unless I was on 2 x days which wasn't that often, I had time at home as will your wife looking at the shifts you posted and the training day cancelling a rest day would fall 1 in every 10 weeks for us so again not as often to make it a massive issue.

I don't do them shifts anymore but I just accept DP does have to work weekends sometimes, he doesn't like missing out either but it is what it is, I would be there with kids regardless of whether he was or wasn't

It's tough! My neighbour works on rigs so can be away for a month at a time if in the North Sea of 3-4 months if overseas (he's currently in Nigeria, so the added dangerous element). It pays the bills but family life is hard. As she progresses it's easier to roles with more consistent hours

Wow, sounds horrific... almost as if you were... a woman. Get on with it.

Ditto. I'm a police officer and married to a police officer. Was going to share some advice but I'll save that for someone else.

I'm not Police but I work a shift pattern, not dissimilar to that of many Police officers. I get that it can be tough on both parents balancing childcare and other responsibilities with work demands. But resenting her is awful.
Remember she is there more than a partner who works normal office hours out of the home, leaving before 8 and getting home at 6 would be, so can do her 'share' of pick ups and drop offs etc.
When she works nights, she has to sleep during the day, just treat it like she's at work.
She cannot possibly be working every weekend (unless doing overtime to bring in more money to your household), so it's disingenuous to say and think that she's never there, or always sleeping off nights on sat and sun.
Also realise that you veing self employed actually makes managing childcare easier as you have more control over your working hours than an employee would. (Childcare for children of shift workers is difficult to find and expensive).

If you don't like this setup, what is the realistic alternative? She quits her job to better manage your shared homelife? You quit yours?
You've got to talk to her to work this out. Resenting her and not supporting her career choice will only end in separation if you don't communicate.

So a Man comes onto a forum for Mothers / women looking for advice. Doesn't like the advice and cals us a bunch of vile feminists? Urgh really is no space safe from men wading in with their fucking mysogynistic insults?

You had me till this post.

Do you know what “feminist” means? You say it like it’s a dirty word. I’m surprised you didn’t realise that MN was full of us. I would go as far as to say that most of the women in the western world are feminists and a growing percentage of men too. I do hope you’re not raising girls whilst your wife is doing her shifts.

feminist (noun):
an advocate of women's rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes

Mumsnet is not full of feminists. It is full of women who will give you a female perspective which are different things. You can have a female perspective without being a feminist.

Lots of mums are you in this situation and it’s bloody tough but you’ve got to get on with it. There is no other option. Either you accept things as they are or one of you has to change job. Intimacy is not going to happen with your schedules or if you resent each other. If your want for intimacy is greater than your current lifestyle then you have the option of not being married.

It sounds really tough, but you’re basically complaining about something that millions of women just have to get on with then getting pissy when people point that out. I’m sure there must be a Dadsnet somewhere.

@LAVENDER280090

So - you support your W working in police but seem to think "feminist" is a swear word?
I wanted to say something supportive - but with this....

As others said - you are just complaining that you have to do what women have done for generations. And it seems the main issue is you not getting enough sex - or, as you put it "I want to feel connected to my wife".

Why did you agree to have another child - her job schedule wasn't an unknown?

Why on earth wouldn't we be feminists?
Do you think that's a bad thing?

This 100 percent! I am married to a police officer and yes it is annoying at times but I just have to get on with it and build my working life around his, funny how it’s more acceptable this way round then the other way!

Oh gosh OP, it's so hard coming onto a site full of women and finding out that it's full of women who think they're people. What a bunch of vile bitches, don't they know they should be fainting with the honour of a penis-wielding rEaL MaN coming amongst them. 🙄

i do think it was a twattish comment… the reason I responded is because IT IS a difficult situation and the OP is likely disadvantaged by ( presumably) not having any maternity leave in which to build up other parenting contacts. You’ve really got to crack on with life and if you know other parents in the same boat it’s a bit easier. At the weekend I was at park/ soft play / library/ cafe for lunch. Anything to break up the day.

If it were the woman married to a male police officer, she'd be expected to suck it up and be the default parent.
The Police is a family to its officers. It's a way of life. And like them or not, they are there to keep us safe. Sadly there is much more at play in your wife's job than just you - she serves a whole community. If people like her weren't there, you would soon realise it.
She sounds like one of the good'ens

You lost all my sympathy when you likened yourself to a single parent because of a lack of 'rest day'.

However, you have not got a wife problem. You have a childcare problem. If you are both working then you need to organise structured childcare to cover that time, like all other working parents. Consider using out of school care/a childminder that does pick up and drop off so you can allow yourself structured times to pick up and drop off and give yourself a full working day. That way, it doesn't matter what hours you work.

I’m sorry but this is life with a shift worker.

She d have to cope with the same if it was you and I’m sure you wouldn’t be that happy if she was complaining about it.
The only way this could be resolved would be her finding another job and not being a police officer. Would you really feel comfortable to ask her to change her career? Would you accept if she was asking you to do that because let’s say being self employed is too risky (no sick pay, holiday pay etc…) so it leaves her with all the responsibility of ensuring yu can stay afloat no matter what?

(Dont know how well or not you are not doing btw. It is only an example but having been self employed myself and then finding myself chronically ill and unable to work I sure know how the lack of holiday and sick leave impacts the whole family)

I appreciate you are finding yourself in a situation where ‘roles are reversed’ and you, as the father, have to accommodate your dwife job. It will feel strange and hard compared to what you see around you and probably what you were expecting too.
But the solution will not come from moaning you are ‘like a single parent’ - because you are not. Believe me being a single parent is much much harder. Starting with the fact you’ll never get a day rest. And you’ll have one income.