Married to a police officer!

[LAVENDER280090]

Hi MN, I am a male (32) with 2 kids looking for some relationship advice.

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have 2 boys one who is 4 and one 1. I am self employed, and my wife is a full time response officer.

My wife has has been working in the police for over 2 years, but since having our children it has become increasingly difficult. I realise having kids in any situation is hard, but it seems much harder when your married to a shift worker. As I am self employed, I
Pick the kids up and drop off when she is stuck at work. Have them all weekend myself when she's in bed after a nightshift. Deal with the disappointment of a cancelled rest day etc. It really is hard not to find yourself blaming your partner for not being there. I just feel like I am mostly a single parent, it's really difficult.

Please any advice on this, or anyone in a similar situation?

Get a grip, looking for fault because he's a man. Its not like that's his sole focus in his post

Really?
So when he called the women on this thread "vile feminists" that wasn't him looking for fault because he's a man?

Because that's exactly what it seemed like to me.

It's a parent's site, not just a mother's site .If a woman had come on here saying this, it would be a very different response.

No, when a man says intimacy he means he wants more sex. Sure, they try to sell it as a connection but why can't they connect in other ways?

I know exactly what it is to be the partner to a police officer, and sharing a bed is a rarity. I never complained about a lack of intimacy because I felt connected to my husband because I could see how hard he was working for us, for his kids, for his career. A career by the way that is thankless and dangerous!!

He then comes on and is verbally abusive about feminists, this tells me he is angry. He wants more sex and less requirement to parent. He hasn't considered how his wife feels, shift work is fucking hard but thank god there are still people out there willing to be police officers because you only have to look on MN to see some of the opinions of police officers but where would we be without them!!

A woman wouldn't have called us a bunch of vile feminists.

It's tough

Will she be first response forever though? She's only 2 years in. Any chance of progressing to something else in the police?

It's called Mumsnet, not Parentsnet. And it would certainly have elicited the same response from me.

I'm one and did a similar shift pattern on response

She could try and put in for a flexible working pattern or drop a day if you can afford it ?

Flexi is hard to get tho , but worth trying .

was about to post a sympathetic support message. But what does this mean? You think women shouldn't be feminists?

It is hard being married to someone who does shifts. So sympathy for that. Otherwise? meh. What do you actually want from posting here? plaudits for being a man who parents his children? advice on how to spread the load? Just venting?

Why are you not a feminist?

I think the OP has done a moonlight flit.

It's been interesting on this thread that so many people have said, pretty much, "it's parenting. What do you want, a medal or a chest to pin it on?"

And it clearly says for PARENTS.

It is hard and a lot of women have husbands in jobs where they end up working at last minute notice and long shifts.
You had a choice to have children with her.
Even worse is the fact she could get killed or seriously injured in this line of work. I wouldn't choose army or police...etc for this reason.

The world should be full of feminists!

You have had some bullshit responses here. My favourite is that you suck it up until you earn enough for her to work less... it's your fault don't you know!

It's shit, shift work is hard anyway and then add to that, it being the police. However, If she loves her job and isn't going to quit, you're going to have to suck it up. Kids get old and self sufficient before we know it so it won't be a problem for long.

And dads are very much welcome here although you can never tell that by the comments.

You missed out that he copped a lot of unnecessary abuse that was directed at him owing to his sex.

And now some of the bullies of MN are delighting in saying I would have helped but not now.

Not impressive MN.

That was extremely helpful too 😂Don't worry I think OP has gone as the nasty feminist on here haven't patted him on the head and congratulated him on heroic deed of helping to raise children without the rest day and lack of sex, while his wife works long shifts dealing with the idiots of society.

No, I am not saying women should suck it up, I am saying they are normally the ones in this predicament. The obvious answer is it doesn't last forever and when you work in the forces / police you know what it entails its not a surprise. I know many families that are like passing ships in the night, it doesn't stop them enjoying the time they get together because they appreciate it.

@LAVENDER280090 - this does sound really tough.

I really don’t understand your comment about feminists, though. What do you think the word means? I’m 100% feminist and totally empathise with your position.

Feminists are people who believe women should have the same rights and opportunities as men. My DH is a feminist and I would say you are, too, as you are supporting your wife in her career aspirations.

But yes, this does sound really tough but as PP have said it should get a bit easier as your children get older and more independent.

You have had some bullshit responses here. My favourite is that you suck it up until you earn enough for her to work less... it's your fault don't you know!

not quite. There are many posts from women who are left to do the bulk of the childcare/admin/housework because the DH works long hours. And very often the answer is: you get a job and then you make him agree to do 50/50 with kids house or proportionate to the hours you work)

People who whinge here do so for varying reasons. Some want to vent. Some want advice. Some only want to hear "yes, you are so right, force the bastard to take over much more" without any nuance.

But. Coming onto a forum mostly popluated by women, some of whom do the lion's share of wifework/childcare and then to use "feminist" as an insult? got the short shrift it deserved. Even that comment could have been made in a non-disparaging way.

But it looked to me either like a reverse or a plopper or half-term-fun.

And that makes you sound like a nasty dickhead. The world should be full of feminists. Why do you think women shouldn't have equal rights to men?

Probably best not to post on a site called mumsnet when you clearly have a problem with women.

I actually had sympathy. My dad was a police officer. My exh did shift work.

I was going to say women are expected to suck it up, but would also get loads sympathy even when they say shit like ‘it’s like being a single parent’.

But after this comment, it appears you are just an arse.

Why wouldn’t mumsnet be full of feminists and what does being a demising have to do with the tone of responses.

So Pugdays, how does that play out in your marriage? Im also married to a police officer for 22 years - have two kids and I really struggle lately with the resentment. As my kids have got older (they are teens now) my husband seems to have less time for them & doesn’t really bother with them when he’s home. He also doesn’t bother with me much - when I say that I mean I am the one who plans and books everything etc.

To be fair there is A LOT of moaning about this on MN.

I don't think it comes from a feminist stance, more bitterness😆.
Sorry mdear I'm also a shift worker and dp isn't.
It's tough isn't it? It will get better I promise.
Good luck x

Does she want to move into another area? Something with less full on hours, cancelled rest days, court and being held on is tough!!
My ex is now doing a desk job but went via response then custody now this and it’s much better for the kids, I’m a nurse so when we were together he did 7 on 2 off and I worked his 2 off. It was tiring especially when the kids were young but we made most of the time we had together. Yes he’s an ex but not because of the job and we still get on really well just not as a couple.

It gets easier as kids get older and maybe she’ll be in a dept with better hours? I used to be so tired when he was on 7 backs or nights tiptoeing about the house whilst he slept, but I got to spend lots of time with the kids and he did when I worked (12 hour shifts) no suggestions but I felt it got better as they got older

Next time a women comes on MN and says she does nearly all the housework I must remember to tell her to suck it up.