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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married to a police officer!

103 replies

LAVENDER280090 · 31/10/2023 22:38

Hi MN, I am a male (32) with 2 kids looking for some relationship advice.

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have 2 boys one who is 4 and one 1. I am self employed, and my wife is a full time response officer.

My wife has has been working in the police for over 2 years, but since having our children it has become increasingly difficult. I realise having kids in any situation is hard, but it seems much harder when your married to a shift worker. As I am self employed, I
Pick the kids up and drop off when she is stuck at work. Have them all weekend myself when she's in bed after a nightshift. Deal with the disappointment of a cancelled rest day etc. It really is hard not to find yourself blaming your partner for not being there. I just feel like I am mostly a single parent, it's really difficult.

Please any advice on this, or anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:
CameleonAreFightingBack · 01/11/2023 10:24

Divebar2021 · 01/11/2023 10:08

i do think it was a twattish comment… the reason I responded is because IT IS a difficult situation and the OP is likely disadvantaged by ( presumably) not having any maternity leave in which to build up other parenting contacts. You’ve really got to crack on with life and if you know other parents in the same boat it’s a bit easier. At the weekend I was at park/ soft play / library/ cafe for lunch. Anything to break up the day.

That’s assuming that all mothers have build that network around them.

In reality, many women just go to the Park on their own. Often go and see family or friends they had from before having children.

Would a father find it harder to go out with their mates with kids in tow? Just now probably yes. But would it nit be just fair men in general learn to adapt to the fact they should have equal responsibilities when it comes to parenting their own dcs?

Humbugg · 01/11/2023 10:25

Seems like the ‘vile comment’ was made by you OP…

imagine coming onto mumsnet and not expecting to get replies from feminists!

SorrowsPrayers · 01/11/2023 10:28

I was a police officer for 30 years, during which time we had two children. As a female doing shift work with a young family, it can only work if your partner is on board and supportive.
You, OP, are clearly not as supportive as you make out to be and are full of resentment. No sympathy here.

FizzyFlamingo · 01/11/2023 11:05

I'm also married to a police officer. Yes his career does take priority because that's what we've agreed and chosen to do. I work part time so naturally have to 'pick up the slack' as I'm around more and I want to care for our children. If I wanted to work more I could, we would just need to secure more childcare around my work commitments. I know this means more financial sacrifices as sometimes we would be paying for childcare when it wasn't necessarily needed which is the biggest issue with shift work and no consistency to working days. But I don't let it breed resentment, it's the situation we are in and there are options we could consider if we really wanted to/it wasn't working for us.

We also have a different mindset and find that shift work mostly works well for us as a family but my husband does his fair share when he's around and we make the most of the time we have off together. We also know his shift pattern for the whole year so we're able to plan around this. Im not self employed but I do work flexibly which helps.

Divebar2021 · 01/11/2023 11:07

@CameleonAreFightingBack

I agree. Even if you’ve got pals with similar aged kids they may be busy with their own families at weekends. I still have this now… trying to come up with activities for a weekend but mine are older now so it’s a bit easier.

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 11:17

Who else should be looking after your children, OP?

I worked shifts for many years, including being on call at the weekends, and my husband looked after the children because he was their father.
Oh, and I'm a vile feminist, too.

Redlarge · 01/11/2023 11:33

LAVENDER280090 · 01/11/2023 08:45

I'll give an example. She typically works 2 early 7-4 so I do the school/nursery run. 2 late 4-3 so I do the school pickup, and the usual routine before bed, and because she has got in at 3 on a good day. Sometimes later. She then sleeps in until 10. She then goes to work at 9/10 pm until 7am maybe later, and sleeps until 4. So you can see the amount of work I am having to do. Ontop of being self employed trying to run my own business. I'm flexible but not that flexible, so it's taking its toll on me. She then has 4 days off, thats unless she has her 4th one taken off her for a training day. Usually midweek when I need to work, which means we don't get to see each other much. I'm tied between taking days off to spend Time with my family or work. And the intimate side of things is very important to me, I want to feel connected to my wife. Its hard though when she's tired from work/kids come first.

Its just life. What do you think army wives do. Or offshore wives. They deal with it. You dont get a day off as a parent.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/11/2023 11:37

They certainly aren't whinging about not getting sex, which I suspect is what this boils down to...

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 11:38

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/11/2023 11:37

They certainly aren't whinging about not getting sex, which I suspect is what this boils down to...

He did mention "lack of intimacy"

DahliaJ · 01/11/2023 11:49

I'm afraid the police role partly ruined my marriage.

Times when the ‘shift’ could socialise together (Thursday night at the end of one working week in the shift pattern) when I had to be up at 5.30 to take DC’s to nursery before I could drive to my full time teaching job.

Comradeship, someone else who ‘understood’….

The pressures of ‘one weekend in five’ when we could all be together as a family, so precious, but inevitably led to a row deciding just what to do that weekend. ( whose parents to visit, what to do with the DC’s).

We did try to be positive, things we could do at times that others couldn't. I'd been in a relationship prior where it was very ‘9-5 and Monday night we do, Tuesday night we do’ and appreciated some of the flexibilities of shift work.

JustKen · 01/11/2023 11:52

I've worked shifts for 22 years, though admittedly not as extreme as Police hours. My DH basically brought up our DD with help from his extended family & friends. My job is well paid so DH could continue in his lower paid but more flexible job whilst I did all hours. I have missed life events because I couldn't get time off. I once went to a family party then left to do a night shift. Another time I did a double so I could get my DDs birthday off. You carry the guilt & accusations of abandonment from the people who claim to love you. But if I didn't do this job we'd not be able to afford to live, financially.

OP your wife is not going to quit, like I am not going to quit. So what are you doing to make the time you do have together special? What is she doing, too? Have you adapted properly to this new normal? What are your wife's, and your career aspirations? You have to accept there will be periods where you don't see each other. I imagine she is carrying a bit of guilt, so there's that. But if she's a good PO then we need her, sorry! She's doing good. You should be proud of her achievements!

JustKen · 01/11/2023 11:58

Missed the bit about us mums being vile feminists. And the bit about the lack of intimacy. Well, there's your problem. You are not a nice person. Being a working mother, I can't help but be a vile feminist. So FU.

shivawn · 01/11/2023 12:13

Some bitter responses here from people who are unhappy with unequalness in their own relationships. No idea why you're getting blamed for all the shitty dad's out there.

Do you have any childcare OP or are you completely managing by working opposite shifts? I'm also a shift worker (a nurse) but we have childcare on the weekdays that I'm working and my husband minds our child after 5pm on my workdays and on weekends that I work (every other weekend). It actually works well for us and I do feel like we get a lot of quality time together. We're both getting good 1:1 time with our son also.

I have colleagues who work opposite their partners to avoid any paid childcare, they're lucky that my manager accommodates this and works their shifts around their husbands but honestly it sounds absolutely miserable. Some of them only get 1 day off with their partner every month which makes a healthy fulfilling relationship almost impossible.

So yeah if you can get childcare to allow at least 1 or 2 days off together a week then that's my best advice

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 12:18

Some bitter responses here from people who are unhappy with unequalness in their own relationships

I think it was the OP calling us "vile feminists" that put everyone off, actually.

truetruebarneymcgrew · 01/11/2023 12:19

What relationship advice are you after? I mean if you're up for intimacy you're probably not working hard enough on the home front, nothing boils the bollocks more than domestic duties, and looking after small children.
Or you could divorce if you can't cope. Or you sit down, like adults, look at your finances and work out if you can afford to be a sahp, or if you can get a nanny or longer hours at nursery so you can crack on with your paid work.
But we're not a 'bunch of feminists' we've had to do it, because that's what happens when you have kids, it's a slog, and exhausting, it gets easier as soon as children don't need full supervision. But there is a reason divorce rates are at their highest in the first 5 years of a child's life.

Sausage1989 · 01/11/2023 12:24

Yeah I feel for you. That would be a deal breaker for me. I could deal with shift work (although it would be difficult being the other parent taking all parenting on) but 10000% couldn't deal with having my partner being a copper! And it's not like you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married. I would split up. I couldn't be married to a copper.

Pugdays · 01/11/2023 12:26

Welcome to my world, DH in transport police while I'm home alone with 4 kids ,2 of them out of school with autism.
Years of this,just having to get on and manage ,and when he was home he was to tired to help .

shivawn · 01/11/2023 12:26

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 12:18

Some bitter responses here from people who are unhappy with unequalness in their own relationships

I think it was the OP calling us "vile feminists" that put everyone off, actually.

He got plenty of rediculous responses before that basically telling him he should suck it up because that's what women do apparently.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/11/2023 12:28

Alargeoneplease89 · Yesterday 22:50
**
It's mainly women that have to deal with this without a second thought, I suggest you just suck it up unless you can improve your financial situation to let her cut back on hours so she can have a better work / life balance.

Helpful. Not! You’re basically saying women in this situation should just suck it up too.

OP is looking for advice, not a lecture.

Sorry, OP. No experience of shift work so can’t offer advice.

TheValueOfEverything · 01/11/2023 12:31

LAVENDER280090 · 01/11/2023 08:27

Sorry, I didn't realise mums net was full of feminists? Some real vile responses on here

ha now you’re showing your true colours!

And FYI in case you didn’t read the memo, being a feminist simply means you believe in equal rights for women as for men.

If you’re not a feminist, even if you believe women should have some but not all of the same rights men have, then you’re sexist and anti-women. There’s no middle ground!

henrysugar12 · 01/11/2023 12:42

LAVENDER280090 · 01/11/2023 08:27

Sorry, I didn't realise mums net was full of feminists? Some real vile responses on here

Well you're posting on "mums"net. So the vast majority of posters are women.

And complaining about having a job and^^ looking after children, being the main parent, is just what most women deal with every single day.

Don't expect sympathy for being a good parent!

Gnomegnomegnome · 01/11/2023 12:43

What you are describing is you having to parent your children.

Arrivederla · 01/11/2023 12:52

LAVENDER280090 · 01/11/2023 08:27

Sorry, I didn't realise mums net was full of feminists? Some real vile responses on here

Feminism - a belief in social, legal and political equality for women.

You really have shot yourself in the foot, op, with this comment.

ginasevern · 01/11/2023 13:09

@LAVENDER280090

"Sorry, I didn't realise mumsnet was full of feminists".

I was actually sympathetic to your plight and sorry about some of the responses you've had, until you posted that comment. I'm not even going to try to explain why it's wrong on so many levels. Good luck and hope you and your wife find a balance.

Cas112 · 01/11/2023 13:31

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/11/2023 08:26

lack of intimacy

Ahhh, there it is. Wondered how long it would be before a lack of sex was mentioned 🙄

I'm married to a police officer, he's done 22 years now and in the early days when he was a response PC it was hard going. He then did undercover work and our honeymoon was cancelled when he got called into work for a 3 week stint of zero contact.

Its gotten easier as kids got older and he climbed ranks, but still school stuff relies on me and its hard as I also work.

Honestly, just suck it up. Women have had to deal with this for decades!!

lack of intimacy

Ahhh, there it is. Wondered how long it would be before a lack of sex was mentioned 🙄

OP is completely allowed to be saddened by a lack of intimacy in his relationship, as a woman would be. Get a grip, looking for fault because he's a man. Its not like that's his sole focus in his post