Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Children at 43+

88 replies

MistyTrains2 · 30/10/2023 10:40

I'm 43 and doing OLD. Do you think it is possible to meet a man who wants children at my age? I know I may not be able to have a child at my age but I wanted try. Going it alone is not something I want to do. Mostly older men seem to have had children and do not want more. If I can't have a child naturally I would consider fostering an older child in my late 40s or early 50s.

At the moment I am not talking to anyone who says they don't want children. I have a first date next week so only just starting.

Just looking for balanced perspectives really.

OP posts:
Alloveragain3 · 30/10/2023 10:46

I think it's quite possible you'll find a man who is interested but the issue is going to be your age I'm afraid.

At 43, chances of natural conception are low and you'd obviously need to find the man, date him for a while etc. before starting to TTC.

May be worth doing some fertility tests like AMH bloods and an ovarian reserve scan to see if it's a realistic expectation.

Ibravedaflood · 30/10/2023 10:48

I gave birth at 43.2..my dh was 33! Ds was his first dc though not mine...

Specso · 30/10/2023 10:56

I think you just need to try and accept that it’s absolutely still possible but also may not happen. If you set your mind on it or get your hopes up too much you may end up settling for the wrong man and end up in a horrible situation in a few years.

It’s absolutely still possible but as others have said you also need to be realistic and keep that in mind as well as having some hope.

Original poster
MistyTrains2 · 30/10/2023 10:56

Thank you. I had my reserve checked at 40 and it was good for my age. That was 3 years ago now though so it may be worth me checking again as that would give me an idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
MistyTrains2 · 30/10/2023 10:58

Thank you. I am absolutely open to it not happening and I know how I would live a rich life without it. I'm already grieving slightly when I feel like it, and I know I would probably need some counselling when it finally became clear it wasn't happening in order to fully process the grief. Thank you again.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 30/10/2023 11:02

I think the thing is, with respect, time isn't really on your side. It's still possible but coming from the angle that you're not in a relationship with anyone else, would you really want to rush this and end up having a child with someone you've only known for a few months? I can't imagine many men would want to go to that so quickly.

occhiazzurri · 30/10/2023 11:08

I and my single friends are in the same position- early 40s. According to my friends on OLD, the majority-if not all- of single men on OLD who are looking to have children appear to have set their filters to 35 even if they are in their 40s/early 50s. Their experience on OLD over the past two-three years is that they are only meeting men who either don’t want children or have children and don’t want more. So it would be interesting to hear whether your experience is different.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/10/2023 11:20

Realistically the chances are not in your favour. Meeting someone, development of relationship where a child is feasible and then TTC.

That doesn't mean it's not possible but there is a lot of steps and challenges on the way.

CR7 · 30/10/2023 11:27

I'm currently 42 and 30 weeks pregnant. I'll be 43 when the baby comes, all being well.

My amh dropped massively to 2.2 in the space of a year so I would definitely go and get tested.

I went through a lot of ivf to get to where I am.

If you'd like children, I wouldn't wait for the dream guy to show up, if you're in a position to go it alone xx

MintJulia · 30/10/2023 11:28

I met ds' dad when I was 42 and had ds at 45. He wasn't planned, we were just having a nice time and suddenly, there he was 🙂 It is possible. Good luck

MoulinPouge · 30/10/2023 11:29

I don't want to be unkind but I think OLD as a way to find a father for your potential child is very unrealistic.

Those men who would definitely like to have children will not date you because you are already 43.

You might be able to begin to date someone who is more ambivalent about children, but any such person is quite unlikely to be ready to have a child with you within a realistic timescale given your age.

Whilst there is still no harm in giving it a try with OLD, I would be planning contingencies (eg saving for private IVF in case you do find a partner ready to have a child in a few years' time, thinking about freezing eggs/embryos now, looking into the kind of lifestyle / house / set up etc you would need for fostering) and coming into acceptance that it is now fairly unlikely you will have a biological child.

It's essential that you don't rush into a bad relationship solely to conceive asap. Going solo is another possibility.

CR7 · 30/10/2023 11:38

@MoulinPouge perfectly put x

INeedNewShoes · 30/10/2023 11:38

There's not enough time to really develop a relationship and ensure that you're sufficiently compatible to form a longterm cohabiting relationship and parent together. Even if you met a good match tomorrow you'd still be a long way off sensibly starting a family.

This is precisely what I decided for myself and I went ahead and conceived on my own via fertility treatment at a reputable clinic to have a child. My DD is now 7 and it's been a good decision for us. I'm sure there'll be rocky times ahead but there would have also been if I'd hastily pursued a relationship to find a man to make a family with.

If your priority is having children I'd focus on that first at 43.

ManAboutTown · 30/10/2023 11:44

From a male point of view....

Most of my circle (including me) had our kids in mid 30s. I know a couple of guys who started families in early 40s - one was a second marriage after childless first one.

I think on the balance of probability its now for you if you want kids and with someone your age or even a bit younger. A lot of guys older than you will either have kids or not want to start.

The above might sound a bit tough but I feel for people who want to have a family and for whatever reason it hasn't happened. Be open with people this is what you want though

MMmomDD · 30/10/2023 11:44

OP - there are of course women who have had kids at 43. But they have been already in a relationship, or got pregnant unexpectedly.

I think you need to be facing reality, rather dreaming about a scenario that is close to impossible.

OLD is difficult enough for women who want to have kids in their mid-30s. Any man who wants kids would not choose to take a chance on you - and who could blame them.
It’s not a reflection on your personality/looks - just nature and fertility.

Your only chance to still maybe have a biological child of your own is IVF right now. But even then fertility plunges after 40.
Its not the same at 43 as it was only few years ago. Not trying to make you feel bad, but i am sure you know the stats.

Don’t know where it leaves you. Maybe start thinking of plan B? Or reconsider going it alone?

BackAgainstWall · 30/10/2023 23:54

It’s always a good idea to honestly consider, no matter how healthy you are now, would you really want to be a 50 year old collecting your child from primary school?

Another much bigger factor is, at 60 would you really want to be dealing with a (potentially) horrendous teenager?

No matter how you feel now at 60 your energy levels will be far lower.

Don’t kid yourself on this - women have a body clock for a reason. Men don’t because usually it’s the women who take all of/most of the strain.

The majority of men I know would not want to be a parent in their mid 40s plus.

Harsh but true facts.

Nomnomnom66 · 31/10/2023 02:04

At 43, your chance of getting pregnant is pretty low and even with IVF it's the same. It's unlikely a man who want kids is going to risk going out with someone that age, where fertility could be a struggle.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 31/10/2023 02:08

It’s possible. Someone I know met someone at 42 and had a child fairly quickly. The relationship didn’t last forever, but it can happen.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 31/10/2023 04:50

Men on OLD who want kids will be searching for younger women. There is always a small possibility you'll find a man in his 40s or 50s who wants kids and is willing to try with you but it's a really small chance. Most men that age on dating sites already have kids and don't want more. I'm sorry to be stark but that's the truth.

Sorrento79 · 31/10/2023 05:00

whilst anecdotally some women your (our) age do conceive naturally, the stats are not on your side, sadly, even with help. To give you an idea, we started ivf at 40, had to abandon trying to use my tired old eggs, and am pregnant now finally at 45 using kindly donated eggs. And yes i worry about how okd i'll be at the school gates and when they are a teen etc.
It took such a long time as I found the whole thing very difficult and we stopped for a year for covid, and almost a year whilst considering 'options', but it has been lengthy and expensive. You i don't think would be eligible for any nhs fertility treatment. I would not have been able to go on this hard road without the support of a long term trusted partner with me.
it is so tough isn't it op, how life suddenly catches up with you and how you can in the blink of an eye go from being a grown uk with an established career to being too old to start out on a family life just when you actually feel ready. So sorry op

Riola · 31/10/2023 05:02

It’s definitely possible even if the odds are against you, but widen your options and try to meet someone IRL too.

There’s more chance of that as I feel people are more likely to not put potential partners into strict boxes when they meet IRL, but OLD kind of forces us to exclude people strictly based on certain criteria. Whereas IRL we may meet someone who doesn’t quite fit our list, but we may not know it immediately so we give them a chance anyway.

It’s not easy at all. Any of this! Some people luck out and meet their one in their 20s but some of us are still searching in our 30s and 40s. All the best with this OP.

GoodToBeHome · 31/10/2023 06:24

If you are exactly 43 now and met a man tomorrow you would probably want at least two years to get to know each other/move in together etc, say ttc took a year that takes you to 46, 9 months gestation means you will be almost 47 by the time a baby is born.
Obviously you could speed up moving in together etc however since you are unlikely to actually meet the man of your dreams tomorrow I would say the above time line my be optimistic.
I would be looking into my options if I were you OP.

BirthdayFlower · 31/10/2023 06:55

I think you need to decide whether your priority is a man or a baby.

If you want a partner then I’d put baby plans aside- realistically, men who want children will be looking at younger women. Add in time to get to know each other and you’ll be starting trying at 45.

If you want a baby, I’d look into going it alone with donor sperm. Then look for a partner once you’re settled as a mum.

Realistically there will be many more men happy to date someone with a young child than there will be men who want children and choose to date a childfree woman in her mid 40s.

HBGKC · 31/10/2023 07:24

I'm sorry OP; it's not impossible but it's very unlikely, for all the reasons MoulinPouge listed.

I would also be very wary of going down the IVF route as a solo parent. There's a 3% chance of success on average (and at your age it may be even lower), at a cost of approx £10k per cycle - and that's leaving aside the ethical considerations of deliberating 'making' a child who will not even know who their father is, let alone have the possibility of a relationship with him.

I really hope you find what you're looking for though, OP; good luck xx

Epidote · 31/10/2023 07:35

I would check my fertility first. Some women are capable of have childs up to a certain age but on average fertility declines quite a lot after 40.
Once I know if I was one of the lucky ones I would think what to do and possibly embrace maternity alone.
No sure about OLD and I wouldn't have a child with someone that I'm not sure about. However that is also luck it may be the case that you meet someone quite quickly.