Children at 43+

[MistyTrains2]

I'm 43 and doing OLD. Do you think it is possible to meet a man who wants children at my age? I know I may not be able to have a child at my age but I wanted try. Going it alone is not something I want to do. Mostly older men seem to have had children and do not want more. If I can't have a child naturally I would consider fostering an older child in my late 40s or early 50s.

At the moment I am not talking to anyone who says they don't want children. I have a first date next week so only just starting.

Just looking for balanced perspectives really.

No one would even think it’s an issue if it was a man who had a child aged 43, or even 45. Even though men die on average younger than women!

It’s always about misogyny, berating a woman in her 40s for considering children.

Nobody has berated the OP, not one

NC for this. I was really desperate for a child and me and my ex who I knew as a friend already started TTC after only a few months. I was lucky and conceived almost immediately. However my ex turned out to be abusive; the relationship crumbled eventually. My ex pursued me for full custody, has dragged me through the family courts for years (and repeatedly makes malicious calls to social services about me); I have no savings left and my mental health is shot to shit as a result of being in a relationship with an abusive man and now having to co-parent with one. So my advice would be please, don't start TTC until you actually know what the prospective father is really like! There is no hell on earth like having to co-parent with someone who's abusive.

I'm in a similar position op. 41, childless having done a load of IVF with STBXH.

I've written off having children now. I can't imagine meeting anyone new will be quick. Then a few years together. Then TTC. Realistically what's the shortest time frame to have a child within given all that? For me it's four years MINIMUM if I conceived quicky. So 45. No thanks. I am already older than I want to be to be a parent.

Realistically I/you wouldn't conceive quickly and at our age miscarriage is higher even if we did.

Also like you I won't go it alone. I don't like sperm donation and solo parenting by choice as an option. For me.

I've done the IVF. I wouldn't bother with fertility testing before you meet anyone. What would the point be? My eggs performed badly once the small number made embryos - 9 eggs, 2 embryos. One didn't take, one was genetically abnormal. And I've been super fertile previously. No test would tell me any of that about egg quality

So, yes - I absolutely wouldn't look for it. If it happens great but it's so unlikely and will probably drive you mad so I would channel energy into something more likely.

For me, it's got nothing to do with that. It's about biology and risks to all involved. Increased risks through pregnancy to both mother and baby. And in this case, a huge risk is that OP will have to TTC with someone she barely knows to be this side of 45. And I'm sorry, but whilst people are living longer, their healthy living ages aren't getting any better.

Older sperm doesn't carry the same risks, although I'm not an advocate of older dads either in terms of children's experiences.

Older sperm carry the gene for autism and other rare genetic mutations. It’s why clinics don’t like using the sperm of men aged over 44 for donation

Yes exactly: the bitter truth is it’s natural for women to become pregnant until menopause. In the absence of fertility conditions it’s being unfit and unhealthy that prevents women from conceiving during perimenopause. Egg quality reductions are only measured for women who have problems requiring ivf but the vast majority of pregnancies in women over 40 are natural.

But she won't be having a baby at 43. She is 43 now and hasn't even found a man she would like to ttc with!
Realistically even if all goes well she won't be trying to conceive until probably around 45 ish (unless she seriously rushes things).
I get that plenty of women have babies in their early 40's but OP will be mid 40's even if she finds a man tomorrow!

Thank you for the compassionate, direct and honest replies.

To the PP who said the at least I tried philosophy - yes. To the PP who asked about why I hadn't previously, a relationship I had from 28-32 broke down, I then bought a home on my own in order to secure stability, I then had an illness, then Covid. Apologies for not responding to more individually but all of the replies and experiences mean a lot, thank you.

Honestly op. I think you need to have honest thought process about what is most important to you.I think it's a very poor plan to hope to meet someone interested in having kids who is willing to try with a 43 year old. If you really want kids I'd go get my egg quality tested and if results are decent I'd pursue sperm donation as an option.

They aren't necessarily low. They are lower than they might have been a decade earlier but plenty of women in their 40s conceive quickly. Of course there are higher risks and it may be harder for some, but it's important to have a clear understanding of the facts.

As lovely as the idea is, I think it’s unlikely to happen in the way you want.

A friend of my husband is on a dating website, he is 42, and he’s looking to find someone to settle down with and have marriage and children etc. He has been very specific that he wouldn’t date any woman over 35 as he doesn’t want to rush marriage and children and so he wouldn’t date a woman where there would be a tight time-scale.

I would imagine that many men who are OLD and looking for a woman to start a family with would not choose one who is already 43 as the likelihood of successful and multiple pregnancies would likely reduce as the years pass by. From a purely evolutionary angle, it makes more sense for the man to seek out a younger woman for him to have children with.

But, it sounds like you are being very pragmatic about it and you seem very realistic about what the outcomes may be so at least you’ve got your head screwed on.

Good luck with your dating and whatever happens, it sounds like you have a happy and fulfilled future planned for yourself.

@Crazycrazylady unfortunately there is no test for egg quality, only quantity. Pregnancy is the only way to decide egg quality.

Those men who would definitely like to have children will not date you because you are already 43

I think this will be your main barrier, even if your fertility is fine. Honestly with OLD it's hard enough to just find a semi decent partner! Your chances of finding someone amazing who also wants children is very small.

Something I tend to think about when I read these type of threads is that in my early to almost late 40s I felt fantastic. Plenty of energy etc, I would absolutely have said I could handle having a child at that age. Then around 48, I started peri menopause. I aged 10 years almost overnight in so many ways. Granted some women sail through but you just don't know.

Also as PP's have said, the chance of disabilities is higher. Which would make life even harder. I watched a friend of mine become broken from miscarriage after miscarriage in her early to mid 40s. And she'd had a child at 39 no problem. I think it's something you have to really think hard about.

But she won't be having a baby at 43. She is 43 now and hasn't even found a man she would like to ttc with!

Exactly! Stories about people having babies at 41, 42 could not be any less relevant.

All the best with dating and ttc, op. I think it helps that you open to fostering etc.

I'd say if when you meet someone and you like each other, don't bother with contraception from the get go. Of course after agreeing with him first! It doesn't have to be purposely ttc straightaway but a case of seeing what happens.

Any man who would actually agree to that has "bad, bad news" written all over him. Either he's suicidally reckless, or he's abusive and controlling.

Also, knowingly and deliberately having sex without any contraception is TTC.

Yep.

I'm from the border between NI and Rep of Ireland; due to religious influence many families (mostly Catholic) did not use contraception until recent times. It was absolutely normal for women to have kids in their early 40s (and some beyond).

Mothers often "lapped" their kids having their own kids. My youngest uncle and my eldest sister are quite close in age. That was common.

There is an early 40s woman pregnant every week or fortnight on the pregnancy choices board here. They generally thought they were past getting pregnant.

The only thing I would say is that in NI/Rep of Ireland, the 40s parents had usually had kids from their 20s and could often fall back on their young adult kids to help support their baby/child siblings.

In saying the above .... While there are certainly women who will have babies towards their mid 40s and even beyond (I know two who fell pregnant accidentally at 45), it does seem to be the case that many women's fertility drops off at 42.

Definitely get your reserve checked again, but the issue is that your chance per cycle is dropping quite a lot from 40.And the other major issue is that by the time you meet someone and try to establish they're not any number of negative things, and build your relationship to the point of TTC.... Honestly you might be better to go it alone with donor now, and then try to find a partner later.

Honestly, and kindly. It isn't likely.

If you and your DH suddenly had a change of heart now and suddenly wanted kids I'd say its possible ... but you don't have a partner, you are on dating sites. Even if you met a guy tomorrow, you'd need to know a person a couple of years to even contemplate bringing a child into the world with them. Any guy willing to try to conceive with someone they just met is a big big big red flag. You'd be 45 before even trying, 46 before a hypothetical baby arrived.

The chance of conceiving at 45/46 is very very small, with over 50% chance of miscarriage and much higher than average chance of abnormalities. If you managed to have a healthy child, you'd be mid 60s when that child turned 18. Personally, I don't think its fair on the child. They would likely lose you young, have no siblings to share caring or the loss with.

It's not impossible, but personally not a choice I'd make.

Exactly, there is a difference to me between being the 6th child to 40 odd year old parents, and being the only child.

If you're the 6th, there are older siblings to help care for that child, to share the burden of caring for the parents as they get older. Their cousins may well be more like siblings. There's a village.

If you are the only child you lose the support. My friend at uni had an older dad, only child. It was a source of great concern for them. Her dad was diagnosed with dementia at 70, shortly before we graduated. She was 21. Mum thankfully mid 50s and could care for him, but had she been same age it would have been very difficult. Her plan after graduation was to get something close to home to spend time with him while still lucid and help her mum out while everyone else was planning on grad schemes, travelling and further study.

The ones who are now struggling with a teenager in their 60’s don’t seem to post here, but interestingly neither do the ones who apparently have a dream teen while they’re in their 60’s and still think having a baby at 45 is the best thing they ever did

@MayThe4th I had 2 babies in my early 30s then did a degree and a PhD and then had 2 more in my 40s - the last at 45 - all natural conceptions although admittedly the last was a little unexpected!

He is 17 now and a joy. I haven't felt like an old parent and he doesn't treat me like one thank goodness. We have a great relationship - he wants to be a research scientist like me so we have lots in common. Most people at work have no idea how old I am and act like I will still be applying for grants and taking PhD students for years to come and are shocked when/if I tell them my age, so maybe he kept me young!

A friend of my husband is on a dating website, he is 42, and he’s looking to find someone to settle down with and have marriage and children etc. He has been very specific that he wouldn’t date any woman over 35 as he doesn’t want to rush marriage and children

Yes it's certainly clear he doesn't want to rush marriage and children if he hasn't done either by 42 lol.

I think a woman with sense would wonder why (unless he's divorced and that raises other questions as to why it didn't work out) he's not settled before 42 if he's the settling/relationship type. As a male poster has said, most people - including men - tend to get married around 30 ish and have kids a few years after. Many do so younger. You have to wonder how compatible their character is with marriage and kids if they get to early 40s before theyre even prioritising getting into the relationship in which they settle. That's a lot of years and relationships spent not settling.

But I suppose if he's got a good job, own home etc .... He'll get some women who won't consider too carefully how he's managed to spend twenty years not settling down, and left it til early middle age .. and is now looking for a younger woman (instead of a peer as most people settle with) to do so.

I have to say the only guys I know who did similar were commitment phones, players, wanted everything on their terms etc ... I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them and couldn't see them being good partner material.

I think someone on here said there's some evidence that "late" conceivers/Mums are generally also healthy late and long livers.

One of the women I know who had a child at 45 looks v young for her age to me. The other one was looking pretty good the last time I saw her too.

OP a friend of mine is pregnant now through an egg donor, later marriage and she’s 47.

@GilberMarkham 🤞 I have a good man too which helps! ☺️