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Original poster

Children at 43+

88 replies

MistyTrains2 · 30/10/2023 10:40

I'm 43 and doing OLD. Do you think it is possible to meet a man who wants children at my age? I know I may not be able to have a child at my age but I wanted try. Going it alone is not something I want to do. Mostly older men seem to have had children and do not want more. If I can't have a child naturally I would consider fostering an older child in my late 40s or early 50s.

At the moment I am not talking to anyone who says they don't want children. I have a first date next week so only just starting.

Just looking for balanced perspectives really.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 31/10/2023 07:40

I think to many women focus on the baby they want because of hormones telling them they want a baby, rather than the whole idea of being a parent.

Starting with the fact that at 45 you’re unlikely to conceive, because it will be 45 before you could realistically fall pregnant, there is a high risk of miscarriage at that age, a high risk of a child with disabilities.

Look past the having a baby bit. Look at the being a 50 plus mum at the school gates. A 60 plus mum of a teenager who is moody, potentially getting into drugs and alcohol and pushing boundaries.

And worse, look at the possibility of having to parent a child with severe disabilities into your 50’s, and at 60 having an adolescent child with severe disabilities who is going to need life-long care.

Of course there are going to be the parents who come here and say that it’s the best thing that ever happened to them. Their baby is absolutely fine and just go for it.

The ones who are now struggling with a teenager in their 60’s don’t seem to post here, but interestingly neither do the ones who apparently have a dream teen while they’re in their 60’s and still think having a baby at 45 is the best thing they ever did.

And then you need to take account of the child. How are they going to feel having an older parent. I had friends at school who had older fathers and they resented it bitterly. I’ve also seen posts on here from posters who had older mothers and who would never have a child when they were older as a result.

Women have a body clock for a reason. And as much as I sympathise with reaching a certain age and realising you’ve left it too late, I do think this is something that women need to give more consideration to before rushing into situations when it’s likely already too late.

cakepip · 31/10/2023 08:00

If you were in a position to start now that would be one thing, but it's a tall ask to go from single to finding a partner and having a stable enough grounding in the relationship to start trying for a baby, realistically you're looking at 45+ and I think you really need to manage your expectations as to the likelihood of falling at that age. I'd be very concerned about rushing a relationship for a baby and I do wonder how many good men out there there are that would do that.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 31/10/2023 08:09

MayThe4th · 31/10/2023 07:40

I think to many women focus on the baby they want because of hormones telling them they want a baby, rather than the whole idea of being a parent.

Starting with the fact that at 45 you’re unlikely to conceive, because it will be 45 before you could realistically fall pregnant, there is a high risk of miscarriage at that age, a high risk of a child with disabilities.

Look past the having a baby bit. Look at the being a 50 plus mum at the school gates. A 60 plus mum of a teenager who is moody, potentially getting into drugs and alcohol and pushing boundaries.

And worse, look at the possibility of having to parent a child with severe disabilities into your 50’s, and at 60 having an adolescent child with severe disabilities who is going to need life-long care.

Of course there are going to be the parents who come here and say that it’s the best thing that ever happened to them. Their baby is absolutely fine and just go for it.

The ones who are now struggling with a teenager in their 60’s don’t seem to post here, but interestingly neither do the ones who apparently have a dream teen while they’re in their 60’s and still think having a baby at 45 is the best thing they ever did.

And then you need to take account of the child. How are they going to feel having an older parent. I had friends at school who had older fathers and they resented it bitterly. I’ve also seen posts on here from posters who had older mothers and who would never have a child when they were older as a result.

Women have a body clock for a reason. And as much as I sympathise with reaching a certain age and realising you’ve left it too late, I do think this is something that women need to give more consideration to before rushing into situations when it’s likely already too late.

Wise words. At your age, you would be playing Russian roulette with the possibility of having a seriously disabled child. Could you handle that a) at all and b) on your own (fathers often don't stick around in that situation)?

CR7 · 31/10/2023 08:09

Whilst I agree with a whole host of the posts on here, personally I am more than happy to be pregnant at 42 and all being well having the baby at 43. I am a very young 42 (if I do say so myself!) very fit and healthy, it's just taken a lot longer for me than most to get pregnant. My husband and I both have really good careers, a wonderful support system and have had a really rich life pre baby full of travel and adventure.

Yes, of course I wish it hadn't taken four years to get pregnant, but I am happier doing things this way than at 22 as some of my friends did and struggled. Yes, they have their lives back, (their words) but I am glad to have had mine this way around.

CR7 · 31/10/2023 08:12

We also opted for genetic testing on our embryos to rule out having a child with a potential disability as several people have mentioned. Controversial but right for us. We also had NIPT done at 10 weeks and everything came back as very low risk.

Falzarega · 31/10/2023 08:33

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I know how much this all hurts and how cruel our biology is. But you’re at least ten years past the ‘trying to meet someone who wants a baby’ stage. It is virtually impossible for you to get pregnant now, unless you use donor eggs, and even if you do somehow get pregnant, the chances of miscarriage or having an unhealthy baby are high. My IVF doctor said that the vast majority of women who want to conceive at 40, just can’t. (And my IVF didn’t work btw, it isn’t the solution people make it sound like).

So, a man who wants babies won’t date you, and a man who doesn’t want children sounds like a bad fit too. My suggestion would be to look for single dads of very young children, if you can.

If adoption is of interest, be aware of the age limits.

Donkeyseason · 31/10/2023 08:41

I think the brutal truth is that men who want children would not be interested in dating a 43 year old.

most adoption agencies will have rules about adopters age. When I looked into it prospective adopters could not be more than 45 years older than their adoptive child. So if you adopted at 50 the child you adopted would be at least five years old. You need to be realistic about the problems an adopted child will have, especially the older they are. It’s a hard path. Realistically, you are unlikely to find a man willing to go down this path and I imagine many adoption agencies want couples in very well established and secure relationships to adopt children.

Sorry OP.

Bedazzling · 31/10/2023 08:53

It’s not impossible but it’s very unlikely.

One thing I will say is if it doesn’t work out for you please be aware of how it affects you. My SIL decided to try and go it alone with IVF at 44, it didn’t work out. We all react differently to upset and trauma. She became incredibly aggressive, she does have a rather bossy and forthright personality. She put her own Mother through absolute hell, and was vile to me and she lost some friends. I ended up avoiding her for a couple of years.

I do have a couple of friends who had children older, both at 40 and then a second at 43. One is really struggling having such young children in their early fifties now. DH and I used to work with her and apart from her everyone is planning their early retirements. I know most don’t retire early but as we all met doing the same jobs as youngsters and had similar paths it’s happening.

Donkeyseason · 31/10/2023 08:53

And then you need to take account of the child. How are they going to feel having an older parent. I had friends at school who had older fathers and they resented it bitterly. I’ve also seen posts on here from posters who had older mothers and who would never have a child when they were older as a result

These would have been from the brief time ( in human history) after contraception and before recent times, when women getting pregnant in their mid thirties were considered ‘geriatric’ . Prior to that it was normal for women to fall pregnant in their 40s. And now it’s normal for women in their early 40s to get pregnant in affluent areas. So there is no stigma, and as affluent people tend to be healthier, these are healthier ‘older’ mothers.

There’s no need to scaremonger or shame based on a brief and no longer relevant period of history.

hellohellothere · 31/10/2023 08:57

I'd decide if you want a relationship or a child more. You're highly unlikely to meet someone straight away to have a child with. At 43 time is of the essence. I'd look into other ways of getting pregnant outside of a relationship

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 11:23

BackAgainstWall · 30/10/2023 23:54

It’s always a good idea to honestly consider, no matter how healthy you are now, would you really want to be a 50 year old collecting your child from primary school?

Another much bigger factor is, at 60 would you really want to be dealing with a (potentially) horrendous teenager?

No matter how you feel now at 60 your energy levels will be far lower.

Don’t kid yourself on this - women have a body clock for a reason. Men don’t because usually it’s the women who take all of/most of the strain.

The majority of men I know would not want to be a parent in their mid 40s plus.

Harsh but true facts.

The OP is not asking about parenting at 40+. Plenty of women have done this going back generations. She's asking whether it's realistic to meet someone and ttc at 43+

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 12:14

OP, don't just limit yourself to OLD, is there anyone you've got your eye on in work or an old friend who you might see in a different light?

I'd say if when you meet someone and you like each other, don't bother with contraception from the get go. Of course after agreeing with him first! It doesn't have to be purposely ttc straightaway but a case of seeing what happens.

Ilikeviognier · 31/10/2023 12:28

Being honest I wouldn’t recommend fertility testing. All that tells you is how many eggs you have left - not the quality of those eggs - which is what matters with conception.

i agree with the others OP. I’m sorry - at 43 you just don’t have time to go through the process of meeting someone And then trying. You need to be going it alone straight away if you want a baby with your own eggs. Good luck.

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 12:54

If you don’t want to ‘go it alone’ eg IVF then it’s really really important to ensure your relationship and ability to co-parent is robust......otherwise even if you do get pregnant you could end up ‘going it alone’ if the relationship crumbles. There are opinions that the former is arguably an easier path than if you had tied yourself up with someone unsuitable.

This is then down to CHOICE of co-parent. How self aware are you to choose a someone with compatible characteristics so you could have a sustainable relationship to co-parent effectively?

What is your relationship history and what did you learn from it?

TimeToStopLurking · 31/10/2023 13:26

I did. I had my DS at 43 and conceived straight away, absolutely no issues with my pregnancy so don't give up hope. It's possible.

OLD is horrendous but you might find your person, who who also wants a family, you never know.

The only thing as others have said is you don't have the luxury of being in the relationship for long, you have to take the risk things will work out and prepare yourself if things don't work out

Jk987 · 31/10/2023 13:58

Ilikeviognier · 31/10/2023 12:28

Being honest I wouldn’t recommend fertility testing. All that tells you is how many eggs you have left - not the quality of those eggs - which is what matters with conception.

i agree with the others OP. I’m sorry - at 43 you just don’t have time to go through the process of meeting someone And then trying. You need to be going it alone straight away if you want a baby with your own eggs. Good luck.

Fertility testing isn't just about egg reserve. A thorough check will include testing for blocked tubes, cysts, endo and many other things that could hinder fertility. It's worth doing.

ScarboroughHair · 31/10/2023 14:07

I don't want to be unkind but the issue you're going to have is that if a man really wants a child he is unlikely to choose to date a 43 year old, unless naive himself about the chances of success. So I think you will find it hard to meet someone who is set on fatherhood. You might manage to meet someone who's on the fence but they might not be keen to rush things.

How badly do you want this? Enough to consider going it alone? Donor eggs? Unfortunately it's not just about the egg reserve, it's the egg quality that's critical too and that is not likely to be good at your age, sorry.

ScarboroughHair · 31/10/2023 14:09

@BackAgainstWall I think that's a valid point but for me and many women, if it was a choice between dealing with a teenager in my 60s or never having one at all, the decision would unequivocally be the former.

HopefulSeller · 31/10/2023 14:12

Absolutely go for it. But make sure you also give a bit of time for your relationship, 6-12 months before even trying for a baby, even if he is super keen.

I say go for it, because yes it’s really possible it won’t happen for you. But if you really go for it, you will look back and think ‘I tried my best’. Which is a lot better than ‘what if I’d tried… ‘

HopefulSeller · 31/10/2023 14:14

Also, I’d recommend not just looking in OLD which is full of guys either cheating or into ONS so you could waste a lot of time. Join lots of groups where you think your type of guy, at a ‘sensible’ time of his life would be eg running or hill walking club.

JustAMinutePleass · 31/10/2023 14:18

I’m your age about to ttc number 2. In your position I wouldn’t bother with a relationship - just get yourself to an ivf clinic that offers sperm donation and get cracking.

PinkLemons99 · 31/10/2023 14:48

BackAgainstWall · 30/10/2023 23:54

It’s always a good idea to honestly consider, no matter how healthy you are now, would you really want to be a 50 year old collecting your child from primary school?

Another much bigger factor is, at 60 would you really want to be dealing with a (potentially) horrendous teenager?

No matter how you feel now at 60 your energy levels will be far lower.

Don’t kid yourself on this - women have a body clock for a reason. Men don’t because usually it’s the women who take all of/most of the strain.

The majority of men I know would not want to be a parent in their mid 40s plus.

Harsh but true facts.

What a load of ageist bollocks.

I had DS mid forties and it's been a breeze. He's a teenager now and his dad has just turned 70. Financially, we're secure and can afford to do fun stuff together whenever we fancy without having to worry about that tedious time consuming thing called work. 😆

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2023 14:59

Realistically I think it's going to be very difficult. Even if you met someone tomorrow, I'm assuming you'd want a year to get to know them, sort out housing together etc before trying for a baby. So that would mean TTC at 44 and potentially having the baby closer to 45 if you fell pregnant immediately. The odds are very low of that happening successfully quickly.

Also, as it would be rushed, I'd imagine there'd be a high chance of the relationship not working out (babies are very testing on a relationship).

So I'm wondering why you won't consider going it alone? I think you'd have a much better chance if you start ASAP and you'd be more in control. Then, if you meet someone down the line, so be it.

Can I ask why you're thinking about TTC at 43? What held you back over the past two decades? Do you really want a child or is it possible it's just your body's last attempt before fertility declines further?

iamnitongoogle · 31/10/2023 15:01

MistyTrains2 · 30/10/2023 10:58

Thank you. I am absolutely open to it not happening and I know how I would live a rich life without it. I'm already grieving slightly when I feel like it, and I know I would probably need some counselling when it finally became clear it wasn't happening in order to fully process the grief. Thank you again.

Hello OP, I know you mentioned that you're not keen on doing this alone. If your finances are sound, and you have a network for friends/family who can help you I hope you consider a sperm donor. I have friends who changed their minds on having a child on their own in their mid 40s and have said it's the best decision they ever made. Appreciate that it might be for you but just wanted to put it out there that people do manage to thrive.

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/10/2023 15:03

PinkLemons99 · 31/10/2023 14:48

What a load of ageist bollocks.

I had DS mid forties and it's been a breeze. He's a teenager now and his dad has just turned 70. Financially, we're secure and can afford to do fun stuff together whenever we fancy without having to worry about that tedious time consuming thing called work. 😆

Show quote history

Maybe your son's lucked out with his dad's health?

I'm 37 with a 71 year old dad. He's far from healthy, and I absolutely wouldn't trust him to be in sole charge of my young children. He's absent minded, his mobility is declining and quite frankly, he's more of a hindrance than a help around the children.

A teenager having a 70 dad is hardly ideal. I get that you probably didn't have much choice, and hopefully it's worked out in your case, but I think you're being a tad unfair to call someone ageist for pointing out the negatives, when they're so blatantly there.