Children at 43+

[MistyTrains2]

I'm 43 and doing OLD. Do you think it is possible to meet a man who wants children at my age? I know I may not be able to have a child at my age but I wanted try. Going it alone is not something I want to do. Mostly older men seem to have had children and do not want more. If I can't have a child naturally I would consider fostering an older child in my late 40s or early 50s.

At the moment I am not talking to anyone who says they don't want children. I have a first date next week so only just starting.

Just looking for balanced perspectives really.

Also, re. the 42 yr old guy looking to find a 35 and under woman to settle with; it's hilarious how men (and women) only look at female fertility and act like there are zero issues with men aging, and fertility.

If he wants to take his time dating, building a relationship, getting married and starting ttc; with the latter not always an instant process ... He could be 44/45 TTC (and a 35 yr old partner, 37/38 to boot). If it took the better part of year, he'd be 45/46 at pregnancy, possibly 46/47 at birth. She might be 38/39, and that's only child no 1.

There is a reason fertility clinics won't generally take donor sperm from men over 39. The older the man, the more difficulty conceiving, the higher chance of miscarriage, the higher chance of abnormalities, autism is now linked strongly with fathers over 40, and if the father is not v healthy and lucky; he's shortening his time being fit & healthy and being around for his child.

But somehow he's only considering the lucky candidate's he's now willing to wife up's age and fertility.

@GLego I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this. It’s disgraceful that these abusive men are able to do this.

I echo your point. I left my abusive ex early 40’s, we had one DC. Despite being a much loved and wanted child, I sometimes wish I’d never had him. It’s heartbreaking to say that, but co parenting with these arseholes is hell, and a constant strain.

OP- I don’t want to be negative. It is possible, but tread carefully. I’d say that choosing someone to have a kid with is more difficult than finding ‘just’ a boyfriend.

But on a positive note- I always wanted another one. I’d half hoped that maybe I’d meet someone and have a second baby in my 40’s. It didn’t happen for me, but I gave it a try because you never know. There’s no point closing it down as an option yet- even if it’s unlikely.

you sound very balanced about it OP. As you say, if it doesn’t happen, you’ll grieve for a bit, then go on to have a full interesting child free life.

keeping everything crossed for you

I know several people who met a partner in their 40s and very quickly had babies (no time for doubt or delay at that age). The odds are certainly against you but it can happen.

I could've sworn I read it was 39, on average.

You shouldn't be discouraged from looking, you never know what may happen, maybe you will find someone compatible and lovely and will be trying to trying to conceive a year after meeting someone. Go with an open mind, even if it doesn't happen, at least you tried and didn't sit and do nothing.

My colleague met a man on holiday around your age and had her first at 45 and then twins at 47! I think the first was conceived 'accidentally' not sure if the twins were IVF or not.
Using donated eggs is also an option for you, you could carry a baby but it wouldn't have your dna.

Quick Google shows age range for sperm donor varies by country but generally 18-40.

In Isreal for example, it's under 30 (!)

I read somewhere that most clinics won't consider sperm donors over 39.

I think you also need to expand your horizons outside of OLD as men can see your age so may rule you out immediately, meeting someone in real life they can fall for you as a person and deal with the age etc after they have fallen for you

@Mytholmroyd - glad you're having such a great time with your late teenager. Mine are still quite hard work and they are a bit older than that. I'm not quite as old as you but not far off. I'm one of the senior citizens in the office but think people assume I'm going to go on for ever.

@GilberMarkham - take your point about wondering what is wrong with men that get to forties iwithout starting up a family and suddenly starting one. Blokes think the same way about women in the same boat which is what OP is trying to work out

Personally I would go it alone as I wouldn’t want to rush into a relationship and babies. I would rather at 43 meet someone I love who can be part of my life with my child. I am 43 btw. I have met the odd guy who wants children but I get the impression they are looking for younger women. Plus I would personally consider long term fostering or adoption.

I wonder if it would be a much more stable outcome / less risk to go it alone initially and then look for a relationship with the potential to grow into a blended family / step parent for your child rather than go in the deep end with an unknown who will have parental responsibility and no end of headache if it goes wrong?

I don’t think that you have the time to do a proper risk assessment for a biological parent / partner at this stage - and as others with experience have stated men will be looking for a younger woman to have children with.

I don’t think that you have the time to do a proper risk assessment for a biological parent / partner at this stage - and as others with experience have stated men will be looking for a younger woman to have children with.

This

Though if the man already has kids. ...as may be common if you meet a man around your age .... He might be more flexible on age. If he takes the attitude that he's happy to have another child, but not unhappy/it's not unacceptable if he doesn't.

Why don’t you want to go it alone? My friend did and had her daughter at 42 (nearly 43) via ivf. That may be more realistic.