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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hadn't really thought about this before until thread in AIBU

133 replies

Tonight1 · 28/10/2023 08:02

I have a house with a friend for several years now. I think he's attractive but definitely not in a romantic sense. He is absolutely not in love with me so this is nothing that could hurt him. It doesn't hurt him either as I would be delighted if he found a nice girlfriend.

But it's been only this year that I have tolerated some sexual activity because I wanted to chat. I'm not outgoing but I do like chatting!

It's best to talk to him about it really so that we're absolutely clear? I think he knows that I'm fine with messing around a little when I'm in a talkative mood. Definitely not full sex. It is a complete trade off really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonight1 · 31/10/2023 05:15

Well he hasn't really taken my message very well, although I worded it kindly.

He's intelligent and of course he's attractive, but I thought he knew that I was interested in chatting and not boyfriends. Although I don't imagine for a minute that he ever thought about me in a girlfriend sense.

We were both up quite early this morning but he was decidedly frosty with me. I would say I should talk to him about it but now he knows I trade cuddles for conversation he probably wants to avoid that. He's quite stubborn in certain respects.

Oh joy, hostile household.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 31/10/2023 07:20

Tonight1 · 31/10/2023 05:15

Well he hasn't really taken my message very well, although I worded it kindly.

He's intelligent and of course he's attractive, but I thought he knew that I was interested in chatting and not boyfriends. Although I don't imagine for a minute that he ever thought about me in a girlfriend sense.

We were both up quite early this morning but he was decidedly frosty with me. I would say I should talk to him about it but now he knows I trade cuddles for conversation he probably wants to avoid that. He's quite stubborn in certain respects.

Oh joy, hostile household.

He has feelings for you. You knew that.

He could argue that you led him on. Maybe he's feeling used.

I think it's time you looked for a new flatmate.

I also think you should seek therapy, because your 'trade' approach plays on his feelings and disrespects you.

Original poster
Tonight1 · 31/10/2023 21:02

I genuinely don't think he feels that way towards me though. I still need to have a proper talk to him about this though although it has to be when he is in the mood.

He has been single for past few years and only likes Asian women. I am a scruffy fair haired middle aged English woman much older than him! I think I offended him by saying it starkly but that thread in AIBU made me think how much our very brief encountering was transactional. I'll talk to him in due course when he feels like it. I'm not saying anything offensive.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 31/10/2023 21:29

I still need to have a proper talk to him about this though although it has to be when he is in the mood.

Have you tried taking your top off?

Honestly this is the weirdest thing I've ever read and I've spent some time on Reddit.

obje · 31/10/2023 21:44

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/10/2023 21:29

I still need to have a proper talk to him about this though although it has to be when he is in the mood.

Have you tried taking your top off?

Honestly this is the weirdest thing I've ever read and I've spent some time on Reddit.

😂😂😂

Original poster
Tonight1 · 31/10/2023 23:31

QueSyrahSyrah · 31/10/2023 21:29

I still need to have a proper talk to him about this though although it has to be when he is in the mood.

Have you tried taking your top off?

Honestly this is the weirdest thing I've ever read and I've spent some time on Reddit.

Honestly it's not that weird. We got a house together a few years back as he'd left his girlfriend and I was escaping DV situation.

He is not in love with me and that talk in AIBU 'talk shit, get pussy' made me wonder about our situation. It is so obvious I'll tolerate him cuddling me as I can be quite talkative at times.

I think I've offended him by writing a message asking him if he realised this was manipulative on both our parts. He wants contact although I am extremely not his type and I'm not in love whatsoever but like talking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonight1 · 05/11/2023 19:33

Well he's still being very hostile with me 🤷‍♀️

I don't want to badger him so I'm keeping it very neutral when I see him and just make a comment about a film or whatever. He just glares at me. He'll come around, I think I may have offended his dignity a bit by messaging about our situation starkly.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 06/11/2023 16:25

These are some of the pitfalls of living with a man- sexual stuff and strops. It'd be better if you moved out and shared with a woman.

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