I hadn't really thought about this before until thread in AIBU

[Tonight1]

I have a house with a friend for several years now. I think he's attractive but definitely not in a romantic sense. He is absolutely not in love with me so this is nothing that could hurt him. It doesn't hurt him either as I would be delighted if he found a nice girlfriend.

But it's been only this year that I have tolerated some sexual activity because I wanted to chat. I'm not outgoing but I do like chatting!

It's best to talk to him about it really so that we're absolutely clear? I think he knows that I'm fine with messing around a little when I'm in a talkative mood. Definitely not full sex. It is a complete trade off really!

No he's infertile. And I would have a total shock to get pregnant in my 40s without penetrative sex.

And he is not a carpenter!

So is he your cousin?

If not, that was a weird and unnecessary 'detail change' on the previous posts.

Why does being cold mean having to start groping one another? Get a frigging blanket.

Hey, cousin sex isn't illegal My cousin Ben was lovely, I would've. But that's by the by, this bloke is awful OP.

Just when I thought this thread couldn’t get any weirder.

Redbull and coffee 😆

No, he's not my cousin, we have a house together. I just didn't want to explain full circumstances about his health so just said cousin for his privacy. Blown it now.

We were absolutely freezing last December so cuddled up under a blanket when it was minus zero and heating didn't work. This may have meant boundaries got blurred although he's been propositioning me since 2021!

It's not a huge issue, it's just that when a poster in AIBU said about her boyfriend saying 'talk shit, get pussy' that made me wonder if bloke was clear about the two times we'd messed around this year. I think he is, just wanted to make sure. This doesn't mean I don't care about him, as I do, it's just not FWB as it hasn't gone that far and I would like him to have a girlfriend. Definitely not me.

If any of this is real, in the kindest way, you need professional help.

If he is your cousin, stick to tit rubs and avoid PIV.

The only thing that would make this who scenario weirder would be the creation of a child/2nd cousin for both of you.

Yes it's real except that I wasn't expecting someone to research previous posts.

It's not a huge issue, just that a post in aibu 'talk shit, eat pussy' made me wonder how unhealthy my own situation was.

I don't think it is really but I'll speak to him about it. I don't think he's abused me nor me him.

No. I think he's offended. He just went through and I said I messaged you earlier have you read it and he said no.

I don't think it's offensive if I tolerate a bit of touching for chatter?

Obviously he says no.

You're having to 'bribe' him to chat to you. That's not good, is it?

But it's OK for female friends😀
Sorry just entering to the weird spirit of the thread.

It's getting close to December.

Make sure your heater is working and stock up in red bull and coffee.

This post is just giving me that weird uncle vibes from Gavin and Stacey

What the heck have I just read?

Why are you texting someone who lives in the same house as you?

A few people here research previous posts, nothing wrong with that! Change user name if you don’t want anything linked.

With the update it does sound strange and he’s got some sort of power play going on. Where are your morals if you accept him groping you in a personal area for a chat?!

@Tonight1 - it does sound odd that you feel you have to put out in order to be able to chat to him. He doesn’t sound like a safe flatmate for you. Most of us wouldn’t tolerate being felt up just so we could have a chat. It makes you sound vulnerable that you have been tolerating that which makes him even less of a suitable flatmate for you.

I'm female, promise! I'm not Stacey's Uncle.

I was really put out when he first messaged something sexy I suppose you'd call it in 2021 but tried to stay calm but talk to him about it. 2022 we had a proper row when he did it again.

I was feeling a bit depressed earlier this year and thought it wouldn't hurt to have a fling, he's safe and it wouldn't hurt him but in the end I couldn't take it all the way.

It was that thread in AIBU which made me think a bit more about it.

He does have his dignity and may have been offended by my message about if he realised that I was bored, lonely and depressed. He's a daft sod at times though, he met someone he completely liked a couple of months ago and they chatted for a few hours, I was really incredulous and said "why didn't you ask for her number?"

Sort of at an end now anyway. It was a non-sex but minor messing around thing. I don't want a boyfriend because I have myself to sort out first.

OP, you referred earlier to dealing with NT people. If that means you yourself are neurodivergent, please know that being ND sometimes goes hand in hand with extreme naiveté about relationships, particularly intimate relationships.

I'm ND and, while I haven't been in a situation as involved as you describe, when I was younger I was sometimes in situations where I didn't want the physical/sexualised contact, but at the same time I wasn't offended by it and didn't give it much thought. This was in a work situation and I wrongly assumed that, because neither he nor I was emotionally invested, that other people who got wind of what was happening would think nothing of it too. I cringe in retrospect at how naive I was and at how I inadvertently "portrayed" myself.

Apologies if I've misunderstood your reference. If not, please be careful and do look after yourself.

@TreesAtSea I didn't know what to make of that as it's quite personalised.

Did you go on to have a mutually satisfying relationship? Or stayed single?

I didn't think much of this situation and still don't think I was taken advantage of. I think it just wouldn't have arisen if I hadn't been stressed out about my circumstances and he hadn't been single. I do care about him as a person though.

@Tonight1 Neither: it didn't become a relationship, nor did I stay single. I went on to have other relationships, including a very long-term one. What I meant is that just because you don't feel taken advantage of, it doesn't mean that the other person isn't trying to do just that.

@TreesAtSea in a sense we're both taking advantage of the other though?

He wants sex, I want to talk. Luckily he's not very pushy so nothing has been crossed in that sense.

I did something very positive earlier however and reached out to someone isolated locally who feels embarrassed about her weight so if we could go for walks and chatter that would make me (and hopefully her) happy. My friends are so long term (decades) that I don't like to bother them.

Chatting with people isn't transactional, though.
I chat to all kinds of people without expecting anything back.

I've just had a chat with someone in a shop about her interesting brooch. Neither of us touched the other...

Well I guess that's good! If neither of you wanted to! I bought my Aunt a brooch recently. Neither of us thought about it in a sexual sense, just thought it was a present.

It's different in this case as initially I thought it might be harmless having a fling but it's not. More from my side than his.