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Original poster

Assaulted by another women. Or was I?

95 replies

ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 17:44

Sorry this is long. NC for this.

We’re both gay women. I’m in a relationship and she is single.

I’ve known this woman (let’s call her Anna) for about 6 months. We are in the same sports team and developed a friendship quickly after she joined the team.

Anna lives nearby and we used to train together regularly. I would probably meet up with her 2 or 3 times a week, we would train then get a coffee / breakfast afterwards. Partner knew and was fine about it all.

Anna (and a few other women on the sports team) know that I was sexually abused when I was a child and have been sexually assaulted in adulthood.

There are other CSA and rape survivors on the team and we support each other sometimes and are very into women's rights and consent. This is relevant.

Admittedly sometimes there was flirtation between me and Anna and I enjoyed it but I am happy with my partner and was never going to do anything about it.

A few weeks ago we were away with the sports team. Anna told me she has feelings for me. I laughed and said I was flattered but made it clear nothing could happen.

The whole trip Anna was quite possessive, wanting to spend all her time with me. I am quite easy going and went along with it. I can be quite shy in big groups but I am comfortable with Anna as I know her well so was happy to be with her.

One evening we’d all had a lot to drink and there was a bit of flirting with Anna. She wanted me to go to her room to talk, so I did. I realise that was unwise.

It’s all a bit of a blur but we were talking then the next thing I remember Anna had grabbed my wrists and pinned me to her bed. She got on top of me and started trying to kiss me.

All I can remember is feeling complete shock and ‘oh my God it’s happening again’ and turning my head away wanting to block out whatever she was going to do to me. It took me back to the times I was assaulted.

Anna soon realised I was upset and got off me. I left straight away and felt really weird and dark about it.

The next day when I saw her I told her how upset I was and that I hated her pinning me down like that. I said I didn’t think we could be friends anymore and I didn’t want to train together just the two of us.

Anna was mortified and apologised for upsetting me. She thought it would have been ‘hot’ to take me by surprise like that.

We were due to play together in a match the following week and I just couldn’t face it. I went to speak to one of my friends in the team, saying I couldn’t play. I ended up busting into tears and telling her what happened with Anna.

Friend was horrified and spoke to the captain (herself a survivor) and between them they decided Anna should no longer play on the team. They’d both noticed her possessive behaviour, said she’d fixated on me, said they had seen her trying to coerce me and claimed her behaviour was technically assault.

Now Anna has been banned from the team and I feel dreadful. I feel like she made a drunken mistake and I overreacted (due to my past). Even though the friendship was a bit suffocating I miss her.

I bumped into her in town recently (awkward) and she apologised again, cried and asked me to speak to the team and get them to reconsider.

Would really appreciate outside perspective on this. Has she been treated too harshly? Should I try and get her back on the team or leave it now?

OP posts:
IronNeonClasp · 26/10/2023 17:53

This is awful OP, sorry about your experience. Sounds like the team admin did absolutely the correct thing.

YoBeaches · 26/10/2023 17:57

Sorry this appended to you again OP. More so given she knew of your prior experiences her view that it would have been 'hot' are way off the mark. As well as the fact she had already discussed her feelings and you made your position clear

You did the right thing and I'm pleased the team supported you by removing her. If they didn't it's you that would have suffered - you already backed out of a game so as not to see her, why should you miss out because of her behaviour?

She can't be trusted. You don't owe her anything. And if she was that fixated on you, be aware of your surroundings and seek police support if she harasses you.

category12 · 26/10/2023 17:59

No, there's no place for someone who does this sort of thing on the team. How could any of the other women trust her? How could you trust her?

Especially with the ethos of support and consent - turning a blind eye to someone who ignored consent would undermine everything you're trying to build as a group.

I'm sorry you experienced this, and I'm sorry you're feeling upset & conflicted about it - but she did the wrong thing, she pushed over your boundaries, and she's not a safe person. I would stay away from her, if I were you.

Whatwillnye · 26/10/2023 18:01

Anna has not been treated harshly. More than one adult noticed her behaviour and has removed her from the team. Do not attempt to get her back on the team. Speak to your partner and discuss how to move forward with regards to counseling and relationship advice.
Keep away from Anna, she's not done with harassing you anytime soon it seems.

IhearyouClemFandango · 26/10/2023 18:02

She made her choice knowing your past. What the club chose to do with that information is up to them, you bear no guilt here. If she accosts you again tell her that you have nothing to do with the club's decision and not to approach you again.

This isn't on you OP. Your club are proactive and took prompt action, which is great.

Dotcheck · 26/10/2023 18:04

She made a move, she stopped when she realised you were not going for it. She later was mortified and apologised. You set boundaries and decided to not train with her or be her friend. This is where it should have stopped. I’m not sure the entire team needed to know- that bit was way ott.

category12 · 26/10/2023 18:08

Dotcheck · 26/10/2023 18:04

She made a move, she stopped when she realised you were not going for it. She later was mortified and apologised. You set boundaries and decided to not train with her or be her friend. This is where it should have stopped. I’m not sure the entire team needed to know- that bit was way ott.

Making a move is maybe trying for a kiss - not pinning someone down on the bed.

Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 18:17

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate the outside perspective and that the majority think the right decision has been made.

The whole team haven't been told why Anna has left, just the organising committee (5 of them) who unanimously decided it.

I keep thinking that if I'd never said anything everything would've blown over.

When I disclosed my assaults when I was younger I wasn't believed or taken seriously, even though they were a lot more serious. That is also messing with my head.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 26/10/2023 18:22

category12 · 26/10/2023 18:08

Making a move is maybe trying for a kiss - not pinning someone down on the bed.

Show quote history

That wouldn’t be my idea of a move either. It was very poorly thought out, but some people are into that. I’m not saying that she was right to make that kind of move. But she stopped when she saw OP wasn’t receiving it well, She ( presumably) made a genuine apology the next morning.
This did not have to become a whole team issue.

Anna said she was interested, OP laughed it off, and still choose to spend a lot of time with Anna. Anna was being possessive, but OP went along with it, and said she was happy in Anna’s company. It is possible Anna thought she had a chance?
The only time OP gave clear signals was when Anna tried to kiss her. OP is absolutely right to not have anything to do with Anna, but the whole team did not to be involved.

KnitFastDieWarm · 26/10/2023 18:24

she assaulted you. ‘making a move’ would be leaning in for a kiss or asking if you were interested - not pinning you down! i’m so sorry this happened to you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2023 18:28

It's wrong that you have been hurt by your previous experiences so badly that you're feeling guilty that this sexual predator has merely been booted off your team.

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve this and the committee made absolutely the right decision.

Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 18:28

I can see where you are coming from @Dotcheck

I couldn't see a way me and Anna could continue to be on the same team (well not straight away) which is why I initially decided to pull out of the next match.

Then when my team mate wanted to know why I told her.

I thought Anna might be warned about her behaviour and my team mate would back me up if she tried anything again. I didn't think she would be banned altogether.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 18:32

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2023 18:28

It's wrong that you have been hurt by your previous experiences so badly that you're feeling guilty that this sexual predator has merely been booted off your team.

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve this and the committee made absolutely the right decision.

Thank you for this and love the username Grin

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2023 18:33

ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 18:28

I can see where you are coming from @Dotcheck

I couldn't see a way me and Anna could continue to be on the same team (well not straight away) which is why I initially decided to pull out of the next match.

Then when my team mate wanted to know why I told her.

I thought Anna might be warned about her behaviour and my team mate would back me up if she tried anything again. I didn't think she would be banned altogether.

That's not an appropriate response - 'you sexually assaulted a vulnerable friend - don't do it again' is utterly wrong and would be a safeguarding failure.

Her turning on the tears to get her own way, rather than accept responsibility for what she did to you makes it all the more appropriate to have booted her out. She's no different from any bloke who complains and cries because he feels sorry for himself for not totally getting away with sexual assault.

She is not the victim in any of this and her attempts to gaslight and guilt you into taking it all back are pathetic - and absolutely typical of abusers.

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 18:37

Unfortunately I don’t think anyone can tell you whether it was SA or not because we weren’t there.

However, you obviously felt very uncomfortable and it is very clear that this friendship was inappropriate and could have turned very messy.
So perhaps this was for the best.

If a man who I had not been giving any signals too had pinned me down and started kissing me then I’d be scared stiff and it would absolutely be SA.

But when I’ve been flirting with a man and then gone back to his room this has happened (and vice versa) and it’s been passionate and consensual without words and definitely wasn’t SA, as we had been giving each other those signals.

You admit there was a lot of flirting and then you went back to her room (a women who you knew fancied you and who you flirted with), so it is very possible that she read the signals wrong and genuinely thought it would be hot.

But that’s not to say that it was right.
And the way in some ways it was a good thing because if she’s innocent she’ll know never to do that again.
Many women would have gone to the police and so I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about.

RaininSummer · 26/10/2023 18:38

The committee made a good decision which supported you. However you could, if you are sure it's ok for you, approach them and say that having got over the initial shock and having cleared the air with Anna, you think if they are happy to invite her to rejoin it is fine with you. Anna definitely overstepped but your past trauma has made it worse I think.

Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 19:42

The responses have really helped me. Thank you so much to those who took time to reply.

I won't say anything to the committee, at least not yet.

OP posts:
glitterfinder · 26/10/2023 20:03

She knows your history, and also that you had said no to anything happening.
There have been consequences for HER actions which should be a lesson learned.
Someone playing the victim when confronted with appropriate sanctions for their poor behaviour is a narcissistic trait. She can find a new sports team.
Consent is everything. If it's not an enthusiastic yes then it is a hell no. You'd said no. It's not your fault and how you feel is valid.

Goldfishonabike · 26/10/2023 20:07

Hugs OP, she did something wrong and has to live with the consequences. Not you! Don’t start victim-blank yourself. You’re the victim here, hold on to that truth and don’t let the fact that she is suffering under the consequences of her actions change your mind.

therealcookiemonster · 26/10/2023 20:11

she assaulted you. end of. drunken or not, her behaviour is her responsibility. the captain did the only right thing. don't feel bad. this was in no way your fault.

SoIRejoined · 26/10/2023 20:22

You seem to be confused about whether she assaulted you, but it sounds clear to me that she did. You may have been unwise to go back to her room, but that doesn't make it your fault, or make what she did acceptable. I don't see how the two of you can go back to being friends now, so why would you want her back on the team? Let her find another team.

Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 20:36

Thank you, it is reassuring to see the things my teammates said to me written on here.

The captain also pointed out that we got into our sport as a way of dealing with the things that have happened to us, to improve our mental health and for physical strength. All that is undermined with Anna's behaviour.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 20:49

It wasn't technically assault, it was assault OP.

They have to stop anyone capable of this being around or it makes it unsafe for anyone else in the group, including any newbies who might come along.

How they reacted is actually excellent compared to how most groups would act. It would usually get ignored and the person would end up doing it to someone else.

You've got a good team there. ❤

How're you doing now? So sorry you went through this experience.

Original poster
ThatsNotHot · 26/10/2023 21:02

Thank you Porridgeisbae

I am doing okay I think. It has brought up a lot of tricky feelings, how did I manage to get sexually assaulted again? did I ask for it? Why did I go to her room? Why me?

I thought she was safe because she's a woman and women don't do things like that.

I do have a great team, I am very lucky

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 26/10/2023 21:08

It has brought up a lot of tricky feelings, how did I manage to get sexually assaulted again? did I ask for it? Why did I go to her room? Why me?

Sorry to hear that OP. Unfortunately, sexual assault isn't that rare. Of course you didn't ask for it. You went to her room to be polite and because you had no reason to expect anything like that.

It might be worth seeing out some sort of therapy as that would shake anyone up, especially on top of previous experiences.