Assaulted by another women. Or was I?

[ThatsNotHot]

Sorry this is long. NC for this.

We’re both gay women. I’m in a relationship and she is single.

I’ve known this woman (let’s call her Anna) for about 6 months. We are in the same sports team and developed a friendship quickly after she joined the team.

Anna lives nearby and we used to train together regularly. I would probably meet up with her 2 or 3 times a week, we would train then get a coffee / breakfast afterwards. Partner knew and was fine about it all.

Anna (and a few other women on the sports team) know that I was sexually abused when I was a child and have been sexually assaulted in adulthood.

There are other CSA and rape survivors on the team and we support each other sometimes and are very into women's rights and consent. This is relevant.

Admittedly sometimes there was flirtation between me and Anna and I enjoyed it but I am happy with my partner and was never going to do anything about it.

A few weeks ago we were away with the sports team. Anna told me she has feelings for me. I laughed and said I was flattered but made it clear nothing could happen.

The whole trip Anna was quite possessive, wanting to spend all her time with me. I am quite easy going and went along with it. I can be quite shy in big groups but I am comfortable with Anna as I know her well so was happy to be with her.

One evening we’d all had a lot to drink and there was a bit of flirting with Anna. She wanted me to go to her room to talk, so I did. I realise that was unwise.

It’s all a bit of a blur but we were talking then the next thing I remember Anna had grabbed my wrists and pinned me to her bed. She got on top of me and started trying to kiss me.

All I can remember is feeling complete shock and ‘oh my God it’s happening again’ and turning my head away wanting to block out whatever she was going to do to me. It took me back to the times I was assaulted.

Anna soon realised I was upset and got off me. I left straight away and felt really weird and dark about it.

The next day when I saw her I told her how upset I was and that I hated her pinning me down like that. I said I didn’t think we could be friends anymore and I didn’t want to train together just the two of us.

Anna was mortified and apologised for upsetting me. She thought it would have been ‘hot’ to take me by surprise like that.

We were due to play together in a match the following week and I just couldn’t face it. I went to speak to one of my friends in the team, saying I couldn’t play. I ended up busting into tears and telling her what happened with Anna.

Friend was horrified and spoke to the captain (herself a survivor) and between them they decided Anna should no longer play on the team. They’d both noticed her possessive behaviour, said she’d fixated on me, said they had seen her trying to coerce me and claimed her behaviour was technically assault.

Now Anna has been banned from the team and I feel dreadful. I feel like she made a drunken mistake and I overreacted (due to my past). Even though the friendship was a bit suffocating I miss her.

I bumped into her in town recently (awkward) and she apologised again, cried and asked me to speak to the team and get them to reconsider.

Would really appreciate outside perspective on this. Has she been treated too harshly? Should I try and get her back on the team or leave it now?

Think going back to someone's room when you know they fancy you is at best sending out mixed messages, it doesn't matter what your history is at that point I'd say you were, if not leading her on, then allowing her to hope something might happen.

Bringing in other people seems a bit shabby TBH

She can't come back because she could be like that with someone else- then how would you feel?

Think going back to someone's room when you know they fancy you is at best sending out mixed messages, it doesn't matter what your history is at that point I'd say you were, if not leading her on, then allowing her to hope something might happen.

Pur-lease! She'd already told the person she wasn't interested and only wanted friendship. Friends of the same sex will often go in each other's rooms to chat.

Think going back to someone's room when you know they fancy you is at best sending out mixed messages, it doesn't matter what your history is at that point I'd say you were, if not leading her on, then allowing her to hope something might happen.

Yes, apparently according to Anna I was giving her mixed messages. When we were drunk she basically asked if I fancied her and I said if I wasn't with my partner then yes I would fancy her. But I am not into cheating, and I am happy with my partner. I told her all this.

Sorry if this is a drip feed but she was repeatedly asking me to go to her room and I was repeatedly refusing. She then said 'I promise I won't try anything, I just want to talk to you.' So in the end I went.

Even if there was flirting and the woman was hopeful you were interested, it was not acceptable to grab your wrists and pin you down - especially when this woman knows you are a survivor.

Honestly it sounds possible to me that this woman was actually knowingly leveraging your past trauma. The possessive behaviour, dominating your time, the nagging to go to the room, not accepting nos, could be seen as tests/erosions of boundaries.

If she were a man, it would be seen as pretty predatory.

Ugh she's a slimeball.

I think you did the right thing. I wouldn't want someone capable of assaulting someone on my team. You're potentially protecting the other women from her sick fixations and lack of respect for boundaries.

I mean we're not just talking going in for a kiss here (which still wouldn't have been OK as you told her you were not interested as you had a gf AND she lured you in there promising she wouldn't do anything. So...creepy. But maybe booze explainable). Jumping someone and pinning them is absolutely fucking crazy territory.

She's a dick. And you did the right thing so don't feel bad about it. No means no.

This woman is not your friend and does not respect your boundaries.

You told her you have a partner and you were not interested.

Please ask yourself, if you were single and fancied a friend who was in a relationship and made it clear they didn't want anything to happen between you, would you:

a. respect that, or
b. constantly badger them and try it on?

I'm going to guess a - right? And why? Because you're a decent person and a good friend - Anna is not.

Another question: if you fancied someone who you knew had a history of SA, and you wanted to make a move, would you:

a. make sure they felt comfortable and in control and definitely consented enthusiastically, or

b. trick them into going to your room by badgering them into it, and promising you wouldn't try anything, then jumping them and pinning them down?

Again, it's A, bacaus you are a decent human being. Anna is not. Her actions are not coming from someone who respects you. She wants to posess you, and is happy to manipulate you to get what she wants. Massive red flags.

This is one of the things that's can be so hard about SA. It doesn't just happen by strangers or men we hate. Perpetrators can be people we love and respect. Friends, family members, people we look up to. This woman is using your friendship to try to wheedle her way back in. Please don't let her.

Even if it was all a terrible mistake (I don't think it was AT ALL, but just saying) - being chucked out of a sports group is an appropriate response to her treating a survivor the way she treated you. It's utterly unacceptable. She needs to reflect on her actions and move on, not try to make you feel guilty so as to use you as a wedge to get her back into the team. How dare she! I'm so angry on your behalf.

You need to take some time to centre yourself and find your strength so you can get this woman's claws out of you. It took me fucking years to leave my abusive ex, as he knew how to push my buttons and make me feel sorry for him. Please don't let her manipulate you into spending your time and enrgy on her.

She's an adult, she fucked up. She's lucky you havn't involved the police. She needs to own her mistakes and leave you the fuck alone.

Wishing you strength xx

Not so much a drip feed as the Script for a rapist. 'I was drunk, she gave me mixed messages, I thought it would be hot she was asking for it'.

And sadly, a handful of posters on here are echoing Rapist Logic. Ignore them. You didn't consent. She assaulted you. You are innocent of everything and she does not deserve pity, sympathy, guilt or you putting her hurt feelings ahead of your right to consent or not consent to forcible sexual contact.

I have changed my mind after hearing that Anna kept asking you to come to the room and promised that she wouldn't try anything. Nasty, nasty trickery not a crazy impulse which is easier to forgive.

I’m sorry, but if it was a guy that did that then the responses on here would be so so different.

I guarantee posters would be advising you to go to the police and claim it was attempted rape.

regardless of sex, it’s sexual assault and just because it was a woman that was the perpetrator rather than a man it doesn’t make it ok.

She misread the signals, had too much to drink and made a move thinking you’d like it. But for me it’s the pinning your arms down and the general possessiveness that’s not ok, especially knowing your past.

I am definitely going to read this thread when I'm hit with pangs of guilt. It is really helping me, thank you.

It's in my nature to try and make everything okay. I know she's feeling really shit and missing the team and it's potentially in my power to make everything okay.

The whole thing has really messed with my head. I think I will try and get some counselling.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

It's not your fault that Anna is off the team.
It's 100% her fault due to her behaviour.

With respect, this decision is bigger than you. It's not just about keeping you safe and comfortable. It's about the rest of the team too and protecting them too even though they don't know that.

A person who behaves like that should be tolerated anywhere.

I'm so glad that you have the support of the captain and committee.

None of this is your fault. Absolutely none of it. Please be kind to yourself & stop blaming yourself for things outside if your control.

@yetanotherdaytoday makes a good point @ThatsNotHot . This Anna I imagine could've guessed being unexpectedly held down and snogged wouldn'tve been a turn on for you/could've freaked you out, especially given your past experiences.

(Some survivors are into that as part of BDSM, but that's something else, and would be thoroughly agreed upon beforehand.)

So it's actually kind of extra sinister and sadistic that she did that.

I’ve changed my mind too

It was handled perfectly! She shouldn't have approached you afterwards like that, it just proves she isn't a safe person. It's wonderful your team backed you up and you shouldn't feel like you overreacted.

She knew that sober-you had zero interest in cheating. By asking the question to drunk-you, she was hoping your drunkenness would lower your inhibitions.

When even drunk-you stood firm, she decided to take what she wanted and lured you to a private place. It was assault.

You’ve got a good team. They are protecting you and your other teammates.

She knew that you didn’t want anything to happen, she can cry ‘mixed messages’ or whatever all she likes but no means no whether you are a man or a woman.

I've got a really good team.

They showed me the email they sent Anna. It was very clear. It said there had been a personal disclosure to a member of the organising committee during the trip away.

The email says the disclosure hadn't been made as a formal or informal complaint and the person making the disclosure had not asked anyone to intervene but following the disclosure they felt her position in the team was untenable. They also asked Anna not to contact me.

I think they knew a firm response was needed as Anna wouldn't take the news well and would try and speak to me about it.

Clarification: Did you tell them 'Anna asked to come back,' then they sent Anna this email.

Or

When Anna was banned, they sent her this email, and Anna decided to contact you anyway?

Anna has learned the hard way that her behaviour is unacceptable.

sadly she’s still stuck on her own wants and needs.

If I’d traumatised someone accidentally, through my own persistent misbehaviour, I’d be mortified and trying hard to avoid them (after a heartfelt apology). I wouldn’t be-

YET AGAIN TRAMPLING OVER THE BOUNDARIES to get what I want.

Hi Op, I hope you’re ok. Slightly off track but I’m interested to know if you told your partner what happened and if so what her take is on it?

When Anna was banned they sent her the email, then literally a few days later I bumped into Anna in our local town centre.

We are neighbours so it's not easy to avoid her. We also have similar routines which is why we used to train together.

Ive actually seen her twice, the first time we made awkward conversation, she told me how devastated she was to receive the email, apologised again, cried and asked me to speak to the team.

I didn't speak to the team about her being let back in but I didn't mention I'd seen her.

The second time I didn't see her but she called to me, I kind of laughed and said 'fucking hell are you stalking me?' She said, 'I'm always out at this time, you know that.' Then asked if I've spoke to the team. I said 'yes I have' and kind of waved to her and walked off.

I know it sounds pathetic. I'm crap at confrontation and dealing with conflict.

She hasn't learnt a fucking thing.

She crossed boundaries and was punished for that.

They gave her a boundary (don't harass OP about this). She decided to ignore it.

Bumping into you accidentally. Can't be helped. The apology and crying, seems manipulative but she could have been genuinely mortified. But someone mortified wouldn't then stomp the boundary that was part of their punishment and ask for the victim to advocate for them.

You don't have to confront her or anything. But so tell the club she asked you to advocate for her. So that they know she's unrepentant.

Yes I have told my partner.

When me and Anna were spending a lot of time together my DP asked me 'do I need to worry about this Anna?' And I said no we are just friends.

I did think it was weird Anna didn't want to meet my DP. For example Anna would message me at the weekend asking what I was up to, I would say 'I am with DP at this place nearby, come and say hi?' But she would only want to see me without DP.

When I came back from the trip away I told DP what happened, apologised for missing the red flags and for going to her room and flirting.

DP was a bit annoyed I'd gone to her room when I knew she fancied me but overall quite unfazed. She knows the difference between light flirting when you're a bit pissed (something she does too) and pinning someone to a bed without their consent.

I think she was worried I was going to cheat with Anna and was relieved when the friendship came to an end.