Assaulted by another women. Or was I?

[ThatsNotHot]

Sorry this is long. NC for this.

We’re both gay women. I’m in a relationship and she is single.

I’ve known this woman (let’s call her Anna) for about 6 months. We are in the same sports team and developed a friendship quickly after she joined the team.

Anna lives nearby and we used to train together regularly. I would probably meet up with her 2 or 3 times a week, we would train then get a coffee / breakfast afterwards. Partner knew and was fine about it all.

Anna (and a few other women on the sports team) know that I was sexually abused when I was a child and have been sexually assaulted in adulthood.

There are other CSA and rape survivors on the team and we support each other sometimes and are very into women's rights and consent. This is relevant.

Admittedly sometimes there was flirtation between me and Anna and I enjoyed it but I am happy with my partner and was never going to do anything about it.

A few weeks ago we were away with the sports team. Anna told me she has feelings for me. I laughed and said I was flattered but made it clear nothing could happen.

The whole trip Anna was quite possessive, wanting to spend all her time with me. I am quite easy going and went along with it. I can be quite shy in big groups but I am comfortable with Anna as I know her well so was happy to be with her.

One evening we’d all had a lot to drink and there was a bit of flirting with Anna. She wanted me to go to her room to talk, so I did. I realise that was unwise.

It’s all a bit of a blur but we were talking then the next thing I remember Anna had grabbed my wrists and pinned me to her bed. She got on top of me and started trying to kiss me.

All I can remember is feeling complete shock and ‘oh my God it’s happening again’ and turning my head away wanting to block out whatever she was going to do to me. It took me back to the times I was assaulted.

Anna soon realised I was upset and got off me. I left straight away and felt really weird and dark about it.

The next day when I saw her I told her how upset I was and that I hated her pinning me down like that. I said I didn’t think we could be friends anymore and I didn’t want to train together just the two of us.

Anna was mortified and apologised for upsetting me. She thought it would have been ‘hot’ to take me by surprise like that.

We were due to play together in a match the following week and I just couldn’t face it. I went to speak to one of my friends in the team, saying I couldn’t play. I ended up busting into tears and telling her what happened with Anna.

Friend was horrified and spoke to the captain (herself a survivor) and between them they decided Anna should no longer play on the team. They’d both noticed her possessive behaviour, said she’d fixated on me, said they had seen her trying to coerce me and claimed her behaviour was technically assault.

Now Anna has been banned from the team and I feel dreadful. I feel like she made a drunken mistake and I overreacted (due to my past). Even though the friendship was a bit suffocating I miss her.

I bumped into her in town recently (awkward) and she apologised again, cried and asked me to speak to the team and get them to reconsider.

Would really appreciate outside perspective on this. Has she been treated too harshly? Should I try and get her back on the team or leave it now?

First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. Anna assaulted you and I think regardless of what you wanted from the disclosure to the other team member they and the rest of the committee made 100% the right call in permanently banning her. I wouldn’t want to play on a team with someone who behaved the way she did prior to the assault; it might be you now, but she could have easily moved on to someone else, sowing discord amongst the team and jeopardising the culture they clearly value. This is bigger than you.

However, a lot of your actions seem to be very “people please-y” for want of a better term. This is not meant to victim blame, because Anna was out of order regardless. But telling someone “oh we could try again in the next life”, seems to be an attempt at letting them down easy because you don’t like them “not being okay” because you rejected them romantically. Again, your instinct to try and “fix” the situation by considering asking the team to take Anna back also speaks to your compulsion to put others’ needs or desires first rather than assert your own boundaries. The same goes for your questioning whether you were right to be distressed in the first place. Anna’s feelings and disappointments are hers to deal with and are a natural consequence of her being a creep- they are absolutely not your responsibility.

This isn’t a criticism, I’m guilty of doing much of the above too. I know in my case it’s a symptom of low self esteem, and I would recommend that you think about delving into why you need to try and make other people happy or like you to your own detriment.

Yes, I know I am a people pleaser and have low self-esteem.

The attention from Anna was nice and I enjoyed having a friend to spend time with.

Most of my close friends live far away so it's often just me and my partner spending time together and my partner has her own things going on.

I like making emotional connections with people and am not really into shallow, small talk. When someone is my friend they get lots of my time and attention but I guess that has lead to quite intense friendships!! I probably need to chill out a bit.

So what I'm saying is I feel like I invested quite a lot in my friendship with Anna and it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar to have cut her off. It's not something I do and it's especially awkward as she lives so close.

OP you know this person isn't to be trusted. You need to have as little to do with her as possible, for your own safety and wellbeing.

To be honest... You were flirting with her, went to her room, you were leading her on for months, saying one thing and then doing another. The flirting should have stopped months agom, but you let it continued because you liked it. Nothing excuses assault, but was this really it, or did she just get carried away because she had all the signs you were into her too?

Just giving another perspective.

What she did was wrong however, no turning back after something like this.

I know, I know. I regret the flirting. I don't feel like I initiated it but I definitely responded.

An example, one night I went to bed early as I had a headache.

The next day Anna said to me 'do you know what is a really good cure for headaches? Having an orgasm.'

I replied, 'oh so that's why my headache has gone this morning then'.

I thought it was just lighthearted banter.

That has reminded me of something. She would talk about sex a lot and what she likes doing.

She asked me what is important to me in a relationship and I said I liked to feel safe. I'd forgotten I'd told her that.

Anna is a predatory dick. However on the upside your team sounds great.

What happened is not your fault at all. However it might be worth thinking about you set out your boundaries for the future. It’s very obvious to me that this Anna was
all set to trample over every boundary you set anyway so I don’t think it would have helped a great deal with her. But it’s a
worthwhile thing to consider anyway, especially if you have a tendency to people please - take it from one who knows all too well! It will help to protect from people taking advantage of your kind nature (oh, @ThatsNotHot will do this shitty job here, she doesn’t mind, oh she’ll be the one to go
miles out of her way for no benefit to herself, oh she’ll give up her free time to volunteer every time, etc etc). Being able to protect yourself from that and realise that actually, you are allowed to say no to things, is a very empowering thing indeed.

I put it down to different boundaries. I have friends who comes from a lot more 'touchy' cultures, lots of hugging, people in their circles move to sex a lot quicker. I went on a date once with a guy who was moving very quickly and I was a bit put off by that. Nothing happened, I went a bit cold and we parted ways. I dont necessarily thing he was wrong to suggest anything, it would have worked for him with a different person, just not me.
I think she sounds very intense, but you gave a green light to the banter and spending 1:1 and sadly, despite you saying you were not interested, your other signals were sort of along the lines of "go ahead", so in a way I wouldnt blame her for having a go.
You can't have a cake and... You liked the attention but didnt set up appropriate boundaries. And that indecision was unfair on both of you- because she had basis to believe her feelings were reciprocated, and youthis in return made you feel more uncomfortable.

I think if it was not for the fact she knew of sexual assault, I would probably put it down to different ways people behave in intimate situations, just like the guy I met.
But she did know of your past and the consent ethos of the group and still did it, so I understand your upset and it that's where you are- it would not be appropriate for her to be back in tour team, and you also need to let the friendship go, hopefully it will be a lesson to her as well about boundaries.

OP responding to a bit of a flirt or flirty banter is not a green light for anyone to do anything to you, let alone assault you. Ever.

You were clear on your boundaries that you did not want anything to happen, you said this to her and so you did not mislead her. Anyone who has RTFT can read where you said to Anna that you were in a relationship and would not cheat. The boundaries lacking were Anna's.

I replied, 'oh so that's why my headache has gone this morning then'.

I don't think that counts as flirting OP. Flirting would be 'Maybe it's something I should try...' or 'if only someone would give me a hand.'

Instead you implied that you were sorted and didn't need her assistance. That's the opposite of flirting really.

Mentioning orgasms when someone just mentioned them isn't flirting.

It can be hard to know how to change the subject when someone's going on and on about sex.

The more you describe her, the worse she sounds.

she had basis to believe her feelings were reciprocated

Not really, OP outright said she didn't want to do anything as she has a partner.

I saw a really good trauma therapist to help me deal with the past sexual assaults. I've messaged her a couple of times in the past year to see if she has any available slots but each time she says she can't see me. Tried again after this happened with Anna but she still says she is unavailable with no suggestion of when she might be free.

Trying not to take it personally!

Really don't want to have to start all over again with a new therapist but looks like I will have to.

EMDR has one of the best evidence bases for trauma OP. I've had quite a bit of it and highly recommend it.

But she also kept on engaging in flirting over the course of months and admitted she enjoyed the attention.

It's not that uncommon for people to say 'I have a partner' and then still consider cheating or at least encourage attention from the other party. It was on OPs behalf not an invitation of the assault, but leaving a gate opened for at least continuation of the said flirting, so again, mixed signals.

I think that's unfair.

I think it's pretty clear that Anna has been doing all the running, she's ignored the OP's repeated attempts at putting boundaries in place and the OP hasn't known how to deal with her advances, when what she really wanted was a friendship.

Is your day job defence barrister for men charged with rape? If not, you should consider it as a career change.

No, and no. It's a bit of a far fetched link too, A noticed IOP was uncomfortable and stopped.

I also saw numerous people sending confusing signals to others. If I knew someone was interested in me and was flirting when I was in a relationship, I would not spend hours 1:1 with them and flirting by text enjoying the attention.

A was clearly out of line, but OP had been sending mixed messages.

Even if it was "mixed messages", the next move of the interested party should not be to pin the other person down on the bed.

If you're sexually aggressive towards someone without prior consent, then you've got no-one to blame but yourself for getting into trouble for sexual assault.

Perhaps read the thread again properly.
OP has mentioned she ‘flirted’ and ‘light flirted’ with this woman.
Surely you couldn’t have missed it twice 🙄

OP stop questioning yourself if you can. You did the right thing. Even if you flirted, whatever that entails in these situations, Anna shouldn’t have done what she did. Good on you to have stood up for yourself.

once that’s said, I agree with other posters, that maybe you would benefit from becoming clearer about your own boundaries and emotions. Once you’re certain you aren’t interested in someone and you sense they’re interested in you, the best thing for self preservation is to keep a distance to them, not engage in banter and avoid one on one time. It’s a pain sometimes that we have to start acting like icy prudes to deter people from making unwanted advances, but in all my years of life, I’ve never experienced unwanted advances, because once I sense someone is interested in me and I don’t feel the same, I give them a wide berth and act all stiff and formal around them, plus I talk about my partner all the time (if having one at the time). It’s always worked for me. I also avoid getting drunk near those people and avoid sharing too much intimate information with them.

Im not saying anyone can ever ever be blamed for someone else sexually assaulting them, not at all, just trying to give you advice on how to avoid something like this ever happening again.

the above describe dhas always been my go to approach, but I sometimes wish I could’ve been even braver and just flirted if I wanted and then told people to piss off afterwards if I wanted, been really strong and free, but I haven’t been, I’ve guarded myself. Not sure there’s another way to do it as a woman..

Perhaps read the thread again properly. OP has mentioned she ‘flirted’ and ‘light flirted’ with this woman. Surely you couldn’t have missed it twice

Yes, I meant that we don't know what this 'flirting' entailed, she mightn't even have been flirting. The examples she gave aren't really flirting/giving someone the come on. She could just be being too hard on herself.

Also Goldfish is right of course, even if she did flirt, OP still told Anna she wasn't interested in doing anything.