Assaulted by another women. Or was I?

[ThatsNotHot]

Sorry this is long. NC for this.

We’re both gay women. I’m in a relationship and she is single.

I’ve known this woman (let’s call her Anna) for about 6 months. We are in the same sports team and developed a friendship quickly after she joined the team.

Anna lives nearby and we used to train together regularly. I would probably meet up with her 2 or 3 times a week, we would train then get a coffee / breakfast afterwards. Partner knew and was fine about it all.

Anna (and a few other women on the sports team) know that I was sexually abused when I was a child and have been sexually assaulted in adulthood.

There are other CSA and rape survivors on the team and we support each other sometimes and are very into women's rights and consent. This is relevant.

Admittedly sometimes there was flirtation between me and Anna and I enjoyed it but I am happy with my partner and was never going to do anything about it.

A few weeks ago we were away with the sports team. Anna told me she has feelings for me. I laughed and said I was flattered but made it clear nothing could happen.

The whole trip Anna was quite possessive, wanting to spend all her time with me. I am quite easy going and went along with it. I can be quite shy in big groups but I am comfortable with Anna as I know her well so was happy to be with her.

One evening we’d all had a lot to drink and there was a bit of flirting with Anna. She wanted me to go to her room to talk, so I did. I realise that was unwise.

It’s all a bit of a blur but we were talking then the next thing I remember Anna had grabbed my wrists and pinned me to her bed. She got on top of me and started trying to kiss me.

All I can remember is feeling complete shock and ‘oh my God it’s happening again’ and turning my head away wanting to block out whatever she was going to do to me. It took me back to the times I was assaulted.

Anna soon realised I was upset and got off me. I left straight away and felt really weird and dark about it.

The next day when I saw her I told her how upset I was and that I hated her pinning me down like that. I said I didn’t think we could be friends anymore and I didn’t want to train together just the two of us.

Anna was mortified and apologised for upsetting me. She thought it would have been ‘hot’ to take me by surprise like that.

We were due to play together in a match the following week and I just couldn’t face it. I went to speak to one of my friends in the team, saying I couldn’t play. I ended up busting into tears and telling her what happened with Anna.

Friend was horrified and spoke to the captain (herself a survivor) and between them they decided Anna should no longer play on the team. They’d both noticed her possessive behaviour, said she’d fixated on me, said they had seen her trying to coerce me and claimed her behaviour was technically assault.

Now Anna has been banned from the team and I feel dreadful. I feel like she made a drunken mistake and I overreacted (due to my past). Even though the friendship was a bit suffocating I miss her.

I bumped into her in town recently (awkward) and she apologised again, cried and asked me to speak to the team and get them to reconsider.

Would really appreciate outside perspective on this. Has she been treated too harshly? Should I try and get her back on the team or leave it now?

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your other team mates sound wonderful and supportive. They are right, Anna assaulted you.
And that’s not your fault. I’m so happy to hear that she’s been kicked off the team. Please try not to feel guilty for her behavior. 💐

Bumping into you accidentally. Can't be helped. The apology and crying, seems manipulative but she could have been genuinely mortified. But someone mortified wouldn't then stomp the boundary that was part of their punishment and ask for the victim to advocate for them.

This.

@ThatsNotHot You've handled this exactly correctly. Well done. You owe Anna nothing, just ignore her in future.

She did overstep that is a fact. It was very unwise for you to go to her bedroom but that is not a blank card to pinned you and try to kiss you.
I think your friendship made you be a bit naive and as you said she doesn't like a no for an answer.
Regarding the sports I got mixed feelings here, not sure if is going to be a good idea let her back in. Abusers come in all shapes and forms and she looks at least stubborn enough to create unnecessary drama around you.

It was assault. The only positive is that she stopped when she noticed you were upset.

You come across as a people pleaser and someone who wants to make things right for others but you seem to forget that your first loyalty should be to yourself. If Anna comes back into the team and accidentally touches you in training, how are you going to feel and react? The team was your safe space and should remain so.

Your team have handled this perfectly - their response should be sent to all clubs on how to deal with these situations!

Anna rejoining the team will not work. You will feel uncomfortable. Those who know will feel uncomfortable. Anna will feel uncomfortable. The rest of the team who don't know will pick up on the tension and want to know what the issue is. It's your private business and you may not want everyone to know.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Anna did wrong and will hopefully learn from this.

Final point. This was in NO WAY your fault. Women should be allowed to flirt, go to someone's room etc. and not be assaulted. I could understand Anna leaning in for a kiss if she had misread the signals but pinning you down is predatory and not the norm!

Be kind to yourself & be proud of the fact that you were able to deal with this in the way you have. Do not have Anna back in your safe space.

Never a good idea to lightly flirt with someone who likes you.

Time to harden up perhaps?

In no way condoning what she did.

I don't think Anna can return to the team and hopefully she will know never to do something like this again.

You are in no way responsible for Anna's actions but it is unwise to enjoy flirtations with someone when you're not available.

Leading your comment with judgement of OP and holding only her accountable in your statement, instead of the person who assaulted her, has the effect of condoning the assault.

Not condoning might read like:
Lightly flirting with someone who likes you does not mean they are entitled to pin you to a bed and assault you.

Time to understand consent perhaps?

Yes this has been a tough life lesson. The flirtation was definitely wrong of me.

I didn't know how to turn Anna down without hurting her feelings and of course it's nice being complimented and having lots of attention. My teammates called it love bombing.

I tried to have an adult conversation with her when we were sober during the afternoon before it happened. I said I was flattered by the attention and enjoyed spending time with her but nothing was going to happen and it was making me feel uneasy.

She asked if I fancied her and I said yes but I'm not free, then made a joke that we should meet up in the next life and get it on. Obviously looking back I should've said no and kept things really clear.

My team mates said she was scowling whenever I spoke to anyone else that evening and was throwing paper at me to try and get my attention (I was oblivious). They said she was following me around and I was getting visibly annoyed.

When I saw her in town she said I was giving her 'the serious come on' that evening and I'd texted her asking where she was (true) when I'd gone to dance with some of the others. I wanted to make sure she was okay and not on her own,

It's really confusing.

"She asked if I fancied her and I said yes but I'm not free, then made a joke that we should meet up in the next life and get it on. Obviously looking back I should've said no and kept things really clear."

Her behaviour was inexcusable but you really need to think about your boundaries. You told someone you fancied them and would want to 'get it on with them' in other circumstances. It's no wonder she thought you might be open to an advance. Being absolutely clear, though, pinning you and not responding as soon as you said no was completely wrong.

It has brought up a lot of tricky feelings, how did I manage to get sexually assaulted again? did I ask for it? Why did I go to her room? Why me?

I just want to address this, @ThatsNotHot . I think @Thinkitsrainingagain made some really good points about it not being your fault. It’s just that there is a particular feeling if you’ve experienced SA more than once that there must be something about YOU.

I want you to know, and anyone else on the thread who has been sexually assaulted or abused - you were not assaulted because there is something wrong with you. You were assaulted because there is something wrong with the person who assaulted you.

Yes, some people who have been abused in the past may be more vulnerable in the future, this is true, BUT that’s not something “wrong” with them. It’s something that horrible people see, recognize, and take advantage of, unfortunately.

If you ever feel guilty about Anna being forced to leave the team, try to take yourself outside the situation (this is GREAT advice for anytime you’re too harsh with yourself). What if Anna had done this to another member of the team, especially one who was an SA survivor? How would you want to support them? What would you want to tell them? Would you think there was something wrong with them (of course you wouldn’t)? I suspect that you would not tell them it was their fault for going to her room, ESPECIALLY if she kept continually assuring them nothing would happen and she just wanted to talk. In fact, I would be unsurprised if that particular script (“I swear I won’t do anything; I just want to talk”) is very triggering for someone on your team or your governing committee because it is a VERY common script for date rape.

I wish you the very, very best of luck with your healing, OP. After my SA experience, this may sound a bit bizarre, but what helped me was looking at the art of kintsugi online - a Japanese form that celebrates imperfections, where when something is broken, a dish or a teacup, it is repaired with gold in the cracks, making a strong, beautiful piece of art. I think after SA, we sometimes feel a bit broken; we sometimes worry it’s “us” somehow, but we’re not the broken cup. We’re the golden cracks healing.

@5YearsLeft wow thank you so much! Your post has really helped me.

Never heard of kintsugi. Love it ❤️

I don’t think that you should worry about whether you should speak to the team committee about Anna coming back. They would be very unlikely to have her back even if you suggest it. They have obviously assessed the situation, come to a decision and acted. The case is now closed for the team situation, so don’t feel guilt tripped into anything.

Slightly off track but I’m interested to know if you told your partner what happened and if so what her take is on it?

Some people's partners are great following them being assaulted, some are awful. Doesn't reflect whether the person was genuinely assaulted or not.

If I was the partner I would be annoyed at the flirting, but if her partner also does it then it's ok I suppose.

@ThatsNotHot If she approaches you again, I'd definitely tell her to not speak to her again or you'll call the police. You don't need that.

It's confusing because she's lying, manipulating your kindness and so you're doubting yourself rather than holding onto the truth.

Do you think you gave her the major come on, really?

Is saying to someone "I have a partner, I'm not interested" "this is making me uncomfortable" and repeatedly saying no to going to their room, only relenting after a promise that nothing would happen, a "major come on"?

Of course it isn't. That she thinks it is speaks volumes about her lack of respect for you and your boundaries. That she's now trying to shift the blame onto you shows she hasn't learnt a thing, and isn't actually sorry.

It's really tough to hold onto the truth when faced with such blatant lies from a skilled manipulator.

I stayed with my ex for years as he twisted everything and left me doubting myself. It took me ages to understand I really didn't need him to agree with my version of events, and that I needed to trust my own instincts and memory.

She is twisting what happened. Don't entertain it. Don't expect her to agree with you about what actually happened though, you need to disentangle yourself from her stop listening to her bullshit.

It's confusing because she's gaslighting you. Because you're a nice person, you assume she's talking in good faith. But she's not.

The fact your team-mates saw something very different, and you repeatedly said you didn't want anything more, throws her version of events into doubt.

No reasonable person would badger you into going back to the room and then pin you down on the bed.

Really stay away from her, she's not a good person.

If you see her again:

'No you won't be coming back. What you did was assault. Stay away from me'.

Do not go alone to anyone's room you are flirty with. That is the lesson to take with you. Also, maybe cut back on the flirting, especially if that person likes to have you alone. You missed a few flags there that showed she was romantically interested.

Pinning down is a no no no, so Anna has no place in your team. Her bad.

I agree with other posters - the fact that 5 members if the committee unanimously decided to ask Anna to leave without you pressuring them to do so that it's an decision they made for the good of the whole team. Presumably there were other options they could have considered if they considered it to just be a "you" problem - like asking you and Anna to alternate matches or asking her not to come to away trips only play at home, but they didnt. Its likely that once you told them what happened they felt they themselves wouldn't be comfortable with her, and also wouldn't feel confident about the safety and comfort (mental as well as physical) of the rest of the team.

I think it's very likely even if you left the team they still wouldn't want Anna back.
They aren't choosing you over Anna, they are prioritising the well being of the whole team.

Therefore what happened to you was perhaps the impetus for the decision to remove her from the team but not the reason. If that makes sense?

Horrific behaviour, and excellent that direct action has been taken and she's banned from your sports club.

On your side, don't EVER flirt with someone that likes you, as it can go very wrong and fingers will be burnt.

Not condoning her disgusting behaviour whatsoever, but on balance definitely life lessons to be learnt on your side, so that you're well equipped from future potential predators.

It's a bit harsh but it'll stop her doing it again to someone else

I wasn't involved in the committee meeting and they made the decision without me. I wouldn't have asked them to permanently remove her from the team, but I guess I knew they wouldn't just ignore it.

That's why the self-doubt and guilt keeps creeping in. Am I overreacting ? Did I lead her on? Ive tried to be as truthful and factual as possible.

That's the one of the difficulties about sexual assault by people we know/like - it rarely feels clear-cut. Thing is, that's what predators capitalise on. Plus there's always guilt, which is so misplaced.

But just because you like someone, flirt with them and even fancy them, doesn't give them carte blanche to assault you. I mean, in the case of a date-rape, you'd understand that the two people on the date probably fancy each other, probably flirt - but that isn't the same as consent.

Maybe your boundaries could be stronger, in that you got worn down into going to the room against your better judgement - but it doesn't mean you're in any way responsible for her assault on you. She did that all by herself.

Even if you're into kinky stuff (not saying you are, but even if you are), and she knows that - that's still not consent.

@TattoedLady
To clarify for you:

Is it clever to flirt with someone you don’t like in a romantic way, when you KNOW they like you, let alone go to their room?

No, thought not.

I am not condoning what this girl did to poor OP, it was utterly horrendous behaviour.

@BackAgainstWall OP hasn't said what this 'flirting' entailed. We only know she said 'if I was single' and 'maybe in another life.' Those are just friendly ways of brushing someone off really.