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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was my OLD a narcissist?

85 replies

Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 00:44

Hello

just had a weird experience with a guy I met online. Wanted some perspectives

we started speaking online and he was immediately very flattering & being extremely nice and so on. He wanted to meet quite quickly, we did and on the meeting he told me he wants to be with me and that he ‘really likes me’. I told him you can’t like someone so quickly but he kept on insisting they he never met anyone like me before. After the first date he was on my case 24/7 always texting if I didn’t reply immediately he would have issues saying where am I, and I noticed on days that I wouldn’t respond to him immediately that same night he would go cold towards me

did have a second date, it was dark and cold he wanted to go for a walk in the perk and he said let’s go over there where the benches are it was really dark and no lights so I said no I’m scared of the dark (lol) and I don’t want to go there. We carried on walking and somehow we ended up in the dark spot. He stopped and took his hand out for me to hold it I felt uncomfortable so said no, he said give me a hug at least; again I said no. He then decided to start kissing me on my face (not lips) and grabbing my arm and holding me I told him let’s carry on walking and he let go but whilst walking back decided to give me a few more pecks on the cheek

anyway I went home. He asked me later that night if I’m upset I said no. However I said to him that I don’t appreciate him kissing me even though it was more of like a sweet kiss rather than anything more but he said oh my feelings were too strong I couldn’t help it I could have done more but I didn’t… wtf

anyway I did for whatever reason carry on chatting to him. He told me he’s got feelings for me and has never felt like this for a woman. I told him you don’t know me you don’t have feelings for me but he would keep on saying I love you and this was only after a week of meeting him. He would call me and say he loves me keep on insisting I say it back to which I wouldn’t and then he’d just say oh I know you’re shy

he wanted to have a third date and wanted to come to my house. Something didn’t set right with me so I text him on the morning of the date and said I can’t make it. He then sent me a massive essay saying he would never have had the courage to cancel how could I cancel and so on. He then finished the text with an ultimatum that if I don’t make things exclusive with him, he will go. I responded saying that’s fine go I’m still getting to know you so that’s not an issue

he didn’t like my response. He was arguing with me all day and kept on insisting to come over to ‘talk in person’ I said no he then said I’m too arrogant and said he willl go away. I said no worries go

the next morning he messaged me again saying do I think it’s acceptable to tell him to go when im in the wrong. I said you’re the one that said you don’t want to speak so I won’t stop you. Anyway he kept doing this where he would pretend he’s going, I’d say go and delete his number and then he would message me on another app as I blocked him on watsap having a hissy fit that I didn’t tell him to stay

somehow we got through that and he said he wants to marry me and I need to make things exclusive asap again I told him I hardly know you. He called me for quite a while and was being extremely charming and nice on the phone. The next day in the morning he started with his shit again saying he’s going to be busy all day - I said that’s fine I won’t message you. However he kept on messaging me questioning me on why I have always been so quick to tell him to go the times he’s wanted to. I told him stop going on about the same old stuff and he came out with I think I’m too special and need to humble myself lol

anyway he kept on going on and on. I stopped responded to him so he asked if he should leave me alone I said yes please do. Then he said oh stop trying to make out like I’m chasing you when I’m not. I said I didn’t say that, you asked if you should leave me alone and I said yes. He didn’t like this. He then said to me that I can’t offer him anything but he can offer me everything and that he would still marry me tomorrow. I told him that I’m not interested in him at all and to leave me alone

he absolutely did not like this and said u don’t get to choose whether you want to be with me or not! I’ll choose! I was like wtf

anyway he stopped chatting to me and I thought thank god but again in the night started texting and this time being really nasty saying he would never be with someone like me in the first place, that I can’t be the woman he wants to be. Bla bla. I just said ok and have blocked him off everything. The whole thing was so weird I hardly spoke to him for long. In person and on phone he was so nice but on text not so nice. I don’t know what on Earth I’ve expericned???!!!

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 25/10/2023 01:08

Block and ignore, this guy is a huge creep and a potential rapist as well.

ExtraJam · 25/10/2023 01:12

Probably a narcissist yes. But also a complete nutcase. At least you had the good sense and good instincts not to invite him to your home, phew! Thank your lucky stars you will never come in contact with him again.

category12 · 25/10/2023 01:17

Doesn't matter what he was.

I think you need to look at why you kept going with contact when he did and said things that made you uncomfortable? Why did you keep putting up with him ranting at you? A guy you'd hardly met?

Dump these types fast.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 25/10/2023 01:18

That’s narcissistic bingo! Overly affectionate early on, dropping L bombs, frequent contact, pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with, blaming you for any issues..wanting to be exclusive. Yup, at least he showed his true colours early on! Good work recognising the 🚩 and avoiding. Never, ever unblock him!

yhk · 25/10/2023 01:59

What you have experienced is a man with severe attachment issues and some form of derangement in his brain. Glad you got rid.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 25/10/2023 02:06

Well it’s good that you dumped him. But bad that you didn’t dump him after the first date.

please get some counselling to “fix your picker”.

EmmaEmerald · 25/10/2023 02:14

Blimey
how long did this go on?

narc, I dunno, but he sounds a bit crazed.

AgentJohnson · 25/10/2023 02:28

Does labelling him a narcissist make a difference? Rather than wasting your time diagnosing something you are not qualified to diagnose, you should be focussing on why, despite the many obvious red flags, you continued seeing this creep for so long? The only behaviour you can change is your own. I suggest you get to know yourself better.

QueenCamilla · 25/10/2023 02:56

He sounds mentally unstable and dangerous. Narcissism is the least of all worries here.

Kittensat36 · 25/10/2023 03:51

Love bombing? That's carpet bombing. Agree with pps that he is not safe to be around. The dark bench gave me the shivers.

MollyButton · 25/10/2023 04:15

Does he know where you live?
I would agree you need to work on yourself and your boundaries more. And don't let someone know where you live so early in getting to know them.
He was encroaching on your boundaries from the start. Stay safe.

Jamessmith0901 · 25/10/2023 04:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Namechange357 · 25/10/2023 07:05

Glad you got rid. He sounds vile. Agree with previous poster, in future don’t let any dates know where you live so early on! Maybe get a ring camera for your door if you’re worried about him coming back. Or a nest cam pointed out of an interior window aimed at the door - google will ping your phone every time someone/ thing passes - be it postman, cat, fox!

IMO he does sound like a narc, everything is all about him, he has to have the last word, love-bombing to try and reel you in. Sounds exactly like my friends STBXH, on online dating sites as soon as she initiated divorce, trying to reel the next victim in… The rants in the night were prob after drink and porn binges, and being rejected from lots of others he’s prob messaging online, and wanting to take it out on someone.

If you encounter one of these vile specimens in future, just don’t respond, EVER, it just feeds them. Delete, block, ignore and repeat. The one thing they can’t stand is silence and their own company!

Treeinthesky · 25/10/2023 08:20

Does he have adhd. As they generally hyperfocus on you if they like you. I really do miss the hyperfocus my bf had for me last year

Epidote · 25/10/2023 08:35

Not sure if he is a narc but definitely he is a creep. Well rid!

Sparklfairy · 25/10/2023 08:40

Ha, he was way too all over the place to be a narcissist. They're much more calculating. He was just nuts!

I suspect he's an incel more than anything tbh.

Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 09:06

He didn’t have my address. The third date we were supposed to go to the cinema but he wanted to go late and I didn’t want to and there were no listings earlier that I could make so he suggested he comes to my house he said he would only chill and watch a movie but obv it didn’t get to that

had a strange experience last night where I was on the same app and some weirdo started messaging me and from the get go saying I have negative energy and that I’m horrible to men and that I’ve been burned in the past by men hence why I’m so horrible to men! I hardly exchanged messages with him so don’t know how he could come up with that! I think it’s him making a fake profile!!!!!

have deleted myself off the app now anyway

OP posts:
Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 09:09

The last convo we had he said I have too much attitude and can never be the way he wants me to be and that my ex made me this way!! So it’s strange that this man was saying the same kinda thing when I literally hardly responded to him he just randomly wrote me a whole paragraph outlining how I’m not feminine and have a tendency to be horrible to men. I said I’ve hardly exchanged messages with you how did you come up with that and he said

because I’ve read men are from mars and women are from Venus lol

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 25/10/2023 09:13

he said I have too much attitude and can never be the way he wants me to be and that my ex made me this way

Do you know much about incels OP?

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 25/10/2023 09:26

You sound very vulnerable OP. You really need to take notice of red flags in future. Do NOT ignore red flags - EVER.

Also this guy sounds like a woman hater/Incel

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 25/10/2023 09:27

Treeinthesky · 25/10/2023 08:20

Does he have adhd. As they generally hyperfocus on you if they like you. I really do miss the hyperfocus my bf had for me last year

Are you on the wind up? This guy is clearly dangerous and you're suggesting ADHD and how you miss this (disturbing) behaviour? WTAF

AnxiousPangolin · 25/10/2023 09:30

I don’t understand why you need to diagnose him as a narcissist. He just sounds like a weirdo potential stalker.

Not everyone who behaves like a twat is a narc, despite what Mumsnet seems to think.

Bookworm20 · 25/10/2023 09:30

Wow, thank goodness you didn't give him your address. At best he sounds nuts, at worst he sounds pretty dangerous.
Keep him blocked. And make sure all your social media is private. Hide anything on there that would indicate where you live/work/places you frequently visit/friends and relatives whereabouts.
He unfortunately sounds like the sort that perhaps won't simply let this go. I hope that isn't the case.

EmmaEmerald · 25/10/2023 09:31

Treeinthesky · 25/10/2023 08:20

Does he have adhd. As they generally hyperfocus on you if they like you. I really do miss the hyperfocus my bf had for me last year

If any of this behaviour sounds like "really like" then I'm scared for you. I realise it's half term though.

Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 09:54

I don’t know much about incels. Only that they are women haters. He came across as nice initially. He lives far from me but yes luckily he does not have my address.

OP posts:
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