Was my OLD a narcissist?

[Clara9788]

Hello

just had a weird experience with a guy I met online. Wanted some perspectives

we started speaking online and he was immediately very flattering & being extremely nice and so on. He wanted to meet quite quickly, we did and on the meeting he told me he wants to be with me and that he ‘really likes me’. I told him you can’t like someone so quickly but he kept on insisting they he never met anyone like me before. After the first date he was on my case 24/7 always texting if I didn’t reply immediately he would have issues saying where am I, and I noticed on days that I wouldn’t respond to him immediately that same night he would go cold towards me

did have a second date, it was dark and cold he wanted to go for a walk in the perk and he said let’s go over there where the benches are it was really dark and no lights so I said no I’m scared of the dark (lol) and I don’t want to go there. We carried on walking and somehow we ended up in the dark spot. He stopped and took his hand out for me to hold it I felt uncomfortable so said no, he said give me a hug at least; again I said no. He then decided to start kissing me on my face (not lips) and grabbing my arm and holding me I told him let’s carry on walking and he let go but whilst walking back decided to give me a few more pecks on the cheek

anyway I went home. He asked me later that night if I’m upset I said no. However I said to him that I don’t appreciate him kissing me even though it was more of like a sweet kiss rather than anything more but he said oh my feelings were too strong I couldn’t help it I could have done more but I didn’t… wtf

anyway I did for whatever reason carry on chatting to him. He told me he’s got feelings for me and has never felt like this for a woman. I told him you don’t know me you don’t have feelings for me but he would keep on saying I love you and this was only after a week of meeting him. He would call me and say he loves me keep on insisting I say it back to which I wouldn’t and then he’d just say oh I know you’re shy

he wanted to have a third date and wanted to come to my house. Something didn’t set right with me so I text him on the morning of the date and said I can’t make it. He then sent me a massive essay saying he would never have had the courage to cancel how could I cancel and so on. He then finished the text with an ultimatum that if I don’t make things exclusive with him, he will go. I responded saying that’s fine go I’m still getting to know you so that’s not an issue

he didn’t like my response. He was arguing with me all day and kept on insisting to come over to ‘talk in person’ I said no he then said I’m too arrogant and said he willl go away. I said no worries go

the next morning he messaged me again saying do I think it’s acceptable to tell him to go when im in the wrong. I said you’re the one that said you don’t want to speak so I won’t stop you. Anyway he kept doing this where he would pretend he’s going, I’d say go and delete his number and then he would message me on another app as I blocked him on watsap having a hissy fit that I didn’t tell him to stay

somehow we got through that and he said he wants to marry me and I need to make things exclusive asap again I told him I hardly know you. He called me for quite a while and was being extremely charming and nice on the phone. The next day in the morning he started with his shit again saying he’s going to be busy all day - I said that’s fine I won’t message you. However he kept on messaging me questioning me on why I have always been so quick to tell him to go the times he’s wanted to. I told him stop going on about the same old stuff and he came out with I think I’m too special and need to humble myself lol

anyway he kept on going on and on. I stopped responded to him so he asked if he should leave me alone I said yes please do. Then he said oh stop trying to make out like I’m chasing you when I’m not. I said I didn’t say that, you asked if you should leave me alone and I said yes. He didn’t like this. He then said to me that I can’t offer him anything but he can offer me everything and that he would still marry me tomorrow. I told him that I’m not interested in him at all and to leave me alone

he absolutely did not like this and said u don’t get to choose whether you want to be with me or not! I’ll choose! I was like wtf

anyway he stopped chatting to me and I thought thank god but again in the night started texting and this time being really nasty saying he would never be with someone like me in the first place, that I can’t be the woman he wants to be. Bla bla. I just said ok and have blocked him off everything. The whole thing was so weird I hardly spoke to him for long. In person and on phone he was so nice but on text not so nice. I don’t know what on Earth I’ve expericned???!!!

I am concerned with the way you get sucked in to these exchanges.

Giving these guys any attention - even negative - just gives them oxygen.

As soon as you're not happy, disengage. If it's just because you're not interested, be polite about it. But if they argue, don't reply.

When he said, "I'm going to go" there was no reason to even say, "OK." Maybe just "OK" but then that should literally be the last thing you say. Ignore anything after that. No matter what they say - they're trying to provoke a reaction.

I don't know how you got to the point of talking to him on the phone, again. I really think you've got some sort of issue that gets you sucked back in.

Yes that was probably him with a different account. He will probably pop up with new phone numbers, etc. Don't reply to any of them.

If you only reply after 100 messages, you've just taught him that it takes 100 messages to get you to reply. The more consistent you are, the sooner he will get bored.

Thanks. I’m going to ask MN to delete this post as I’m a bit paranoid he could see it somehow. He did tell me once dont go online and read things it’s corrupts your thinking

The main thing is that you learn from this and look closely at why you didn’t finish it/block him/politely decline a further date the moment he came on too strong in the beginning

Op, I would recommend coming off social media and dating apps for a 'reset'. You sound a bit stressed out and judgement a bit off right now. Wishing you well

Thank you. I have taken myself off the app. And don’t really use social media too much. It’s weird because when he first messaged me on the app my gut seemed to think there was something off about him but I didn’t know why I felt like that as he didn’t say or do anything at that point so I ignored it and when we had our first call within 5 minutes I felt something off about him but I think he sensed it so he did a complete u turn and redeemed himself and like an idiot I fell for it!!! Btw this all happened in a space of less than 3 weeks so I didn’t speak to him for too long

You're nothing like an idiot, you're asking questions and gathering thoughts about the situation to help you handle it, and hopefully handle other unwanted people and behaviours better next time. That's about the best thing anyone can do. We're not born with all the tools required, what you're reading is what people have learnt from their experiences or experiences of others they've heard about

OP if this man messages you again send him a short response saying that you don’t want to hear from him again in any way at all including text, email, social media, or dating apps etc. Tell him if he contacts you again you will report to the police. Then you must stick to that. This is the advice the police gave me once.

Do not get into any more back and forward with him. He isn’t well mentally and will be enjoying stressing you out /confusing you.

Agree with PP that you should have completely cut all communications much, much earlier. You had a ‘off’ feeling before you ever agreed to meet up. You MUST listen to your instincts in future. Meeting this man could have been very dangerous. And he still could be.

I also agree. You need to give a short and firm 'leave me alone' message. If they respond, send the same message again. If they ignore that and respond again, it's classed as harassment.

I don't know how true it is but I was told by the police you need to tell them twice before it can count as harassment.

Omg, who needs this emotional and mental crap.
He is Red flags and potential predator.
Block, delete and tell someone in your real world.
Yuck!

People with NPD are incredibly clever. Long game, not at all this manchild.

This man is just a creepy oddball.
You sound very young.

So many red flags. You don't need to know what's behind them. Don't get sucked in trying to figure out why these men are like this. At their age they won't and can't change. Just move on.

He messaged again yesterday from a new number. I didn’t see my phone till 2 hours later as I was busy and I came back to a whole string of messages along the lines of:

who do you think you are to think you can choose me

who are you

youre fake

you want someone to treat you like a queen but you can’t show respect

you’re disrespectful

let me show you how it’s done and then proceeded to send me a screen shot of a woman apparently chasing him. He then tried to cover himself by saying this was the woman I spoke to before I spoke to you

he wasn’t getting any responses I didn’t even see my phone so then the messages went like this

youre a catfish anyway lol
(funny because I put an unflattering picture on my app on purpose and in person when we met all he was doing was complimenting me)

trying to shame me by insinuating false things about me

piss Off

then his messages took a turn again

you just need somebody to care for you

you’re making a big mistake

this isn’t my loss it’s yours

when I seen the messages I took the advice from this thread and I sent him a message saying do not contact me ever again etc

he then sent one message saying look I know we have argued but can we try again. Wtf?!!!!!

i didn’t see that message as he didn’t respond immediately so he sent one more saying I take that as a no, make sure you understand you have no reason to contact me again

i blocked him. I only responded to send the firm message of do not contact me again as I felt from reading through the advice on this thread it was the correct thing to do

i hope he doesn’t message me again. I will change my number if he does

thanks for the advice

Yikes! He sounds horrendous. Ignore, ignore…right decision to block and yes if he tries again, change your number.

Do you still have all the messages OP?

I would be calling 101 now tbh. Say his behaviour is escalating and you don't know what to do.

Similar happened to me before and it turned out he was known to the police already for this behaviour!

I don’t have the messages I deleted them I didn’t want anything to do with him on my phone

I figured as much. I doubt this will be the last you hear from him so screenshot everything going forward and give them to the police when he starts up again. Don't respond to him, just screenshot.

How are you doing OP?

@Dotty87 i am ok thank you. Sorry saw this now as I’ve just been taking a break from my phone

he unfortunately did message me again using a new account on the app we communicated on (not the dating app) and using a new number messaged me again on watsap

I blocked him both times. I didn’t see his messages immediately as I was working and he sent a string of messages first via the app and he was getting nasty in them due to no response. After I blocked him on that he sent me the messages on watsap saying unblock me I need to tell you something, his final message was i wanted to sincerely apologise that’s all

not heard anything off him since (been a couple of days) he’s not tried calling on private number or anything (apart from once when he initially messaged on the app).

So in total he has contacted me off a couple of different numbers and another account on telegram and also maybe a profile on the dating app (which I’ve deleted) throughout it all I’ve only received one private number missed call which is quite odd

If he contacts you again, talk to the police - he needs stopping.

He sounds like an unhinged incel. Eugh.

his latest messages after he realised I wasn’t responding he started saying ‘men in the past may have ‘gassed’ you up but I’m not attracted to you’
then he sent another message saying ‘but I would have married you and never let you know I wasn’t attracted to you’

I am going to research more on incels as I don’t know much about them

Go to the police. He is harassing you and could turn into a stalker.

Not surprised you've been offline, this must be so incredibly stressful for you. I hope that now you aren't responding to him, he will get bored and leave you alone.