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Original poster

Was my OLD a narcissist?

85 replies

Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 00:44

Hello

just had a weird experience with a guy I met online. Wanted some perspectives

we started speaking online and he was immediately very flattering & being extremely nice and so on. He wanted to meet quite quickly, we did and on the meeting he told me he wants to be with me and that he ‘really likes me’. I told him you can’t like someone so quickly but he kept on insisting they he never met anyone like me before. After the first date he was on my case 24/7 always texting if I didn’t reply immediately he would have issues saying where am I, and I noticed on days that I wouldn’t respond to him immediately that same night he would go cold towards me

did have a second date, it was dark and cold he wanted to go for a walk in the perk and he said let’s go over there where the benches are it was really dark and no lights so I said no I’m scared of the dark (lol) and I don’t want to go there. We carried on walking and somehow we ended up in the dark spot. He stopped and took his hand out for me to hold it I felt uncomfortable so said no, he said give me a hug at least; again I said no. He then decided to start kissing me on my face (not lips) and grabbing my arm and holding me I told him let’s carry on walking and he let go but whilst walking back decided to give me a few more pecks on the cheek

anyway I went home. He asked me later that night if I’m upset I said no. However I said to him that I don’t appreciate him kissing me even though it was more of like a sweet kiss rather than anything more but he said oh my feelings were too strong I couldn’t help it I could have done more but I didn’t… wtf

anyway I did for whatever reason carry on chatting to him. He told me he’s got feelings for me and has never felt like this for a woman. I told him you don’t know me you don’t have feelings for me but he would keep on saying I love you and this was only after a week of meeting him. He would call me and say he loves me keep on insisting I say it back to which I wouldn’t and then he’d just say oh I know you’re shy

he wanted to have a third date and wanted to come to my house. Something didn’t set right with me so I text him on the morning of the date and said I can’t make it. He then sent me a massive essay saying he would never have had the courage to cancel how could I cancel and so on. He then finished the text with an ultimatum that if I don’t make things exclusive with him, he will go. I responded saying that’s fine go I’m still getting to know you so that’s not an issue

he didn’t like my response. He was arguing with me all day and kept on insisting to come over to ‘talk in person’ I said no he then said I’m too arrogant and said he willl go away. I said no worries go

the next morning he messaged me again saying do I think it’s acceptable to tell him to go when im in the wrong. I said you’re the one that said you don’t want to speak so I won’t stop you. Anyway he kept doing this where he would pretend he’s going, I’d say go and delete his number and then he would message me on another app as I blocked him on watsap having a hissy fit that I didn’t tell him to stay

somehow we got through that and he said he wants to marry me and I need to make things exclusive asap again I told him I hardly know you. He called me for quite a while and was being extremely charming and nice on the phone. The next day in the morning he started with his shit again saying he’s going to be busy all day - I said that’s fine I won’t message you. However he kept on messaging me questioning me on why I have always been so quick to tell him to go the times he’s wanted to. I told him stop going on about the same old stuff and he came out with I think I’m too special and need to humble myself lol

anyway he kept on going on and on. I stopped responded to him so he asked if he should leave me alone I said yes please do. Then he said oh stop trying to make out like I’m chasing you when I’m not. I said I didn’t say that, you asked if you should leave me alone and I said yes. He didn’t like this. He then said to me that I can’t offer him anything but he can offer me everything and that he would still marry me tomorrow. I told him that I’m not interested in him at all and to leave me alone

he absolutely did not like this and said u don’t get to choose whether you want to be with me or not! I’ll choose! I was like wtf

anyway he stopped chatting to me and I thought thank god but again in the night started texting and this time being really nasty saying he would never be with someone like me in the first place, that I can’t be the woman he wants to be. Bla bla. I just said ok and have blocked him off everything. The whole thing was so weird I hardly spoke to him for long. In person and on phone he was so nice but on text not so nice. I don’t know what on Earth I’ve expericned???!!!

OP posts:
CacenCaws · 25/10/2023 11:29

Well done for blocking, but seriously why did you bother arguing with him? you should have told him to fuck off a lot sooner. He sounds unhinged

PosterBoy · 25/10/2023 11:36

wow op I think you are too vulnerable to be dating like this.

How could you possibly have even considered a second date with this unhinged lunatic?

Do you have rl friends you could run this stuff past before meeting anyone? I would recommend doing that

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 11:50

Thank god you're shot of him, but why on earth would you go into a dark park with a virtual stranger?

Original poster
Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 14:12

He was walking me back half way and the path was through the park. In person he didn’t seem as unhinged tbh until this bit. In text he was strange but on phone he never was and in person he seemed ok, I just thought he didn’t know how to communicate on messaging. He himself told me don’t take me as how I am through messaging. Obv the park incident threw me off though

OP posts:
Original poster
Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 14:16

Sorry when I initially posted this last night it was late and I was tired and half my post don’t make sense.

after our coffee, he said let’s go for a walk however it was cold and dark I said I needed to be home, he was walking me through the route we came, the whole place was like a park but with houses to the side so he said ‘let’s go sit down for a bit over there’ and he pointed to an extremely dark place away from the lights so I said no it’s okay I’m scared of the dark etc. he laughed and carried on walking to get me to where I needed to be. Half way through the route he stopped and asked for a hug etc

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2023 15:24

Clara9788 · 25/10/2023 14:16

Sorry when I initially posted this last night it was late and I was tired and half my post don’t make sense.

after our coffee, he said let’s go for a walk however it was cold and dark I said I needed to be home, he was walking me through the route we came, the whole place was like a park but with houses to the side so he said ‘let’s go sit down for a bit over there’ and he pointed to an extremely dark place away from the lights so I said no it’s okay I’m scared of the dark etc. he laughed and carried on walking to get me to where I needed to be. Half way through the route he stopped and asked for a hug etc

Think you should consider yourself as having had a lucky escape.

The weirdo profile that contacted you was probably one of his sock puppets.

Honestly, have a really low tolerance for poor behaviour, op. It will serve you well.

Everydayiscake · 25/10/2023 15:24

I would say love bombing which would potentially lead to other issues. The good thing is you have blocked and move on. Always follow your gut. The marrying thing is way to much! There is a lot of weirdos out there!

SylvieLaufeydottir · 25/10/2023 15:30

I really think you need to worry a lot less about what particular species of bat he has in his belfry, and a lot more (really, a LOT) why you put up with so much madness and negging and massive boundary-violation from someone you barely knew.

Someone doesn't listen to and respect your boundaries, you dump and block pronto. He should never have been able to contact you again after the dark bench incident. I would advise that you don't date again until your boundaries are a bit more robust.

Flyhigher · 25/10/2023 17:14

Narcissist. Avoid.

pictoosh · 25/10/2023 17:24

I don't think you can diagnose him...but he certainly sounds like an utter nightmare.
My advice? When a man makes it obvious he's a intense, controlling, pushy creep, STOP TALKING TO HIM.
Why did you keep the chat going? Raise your bar. A lot.

scoobydoo1971 · 25/10/2023 19:20

He is a danger to women. You have no boundaries and have come to tolerate a lot of abusive behaviour, perhaps due to lack of self confidence. You need to stay single until you have worked on this as you are at risk of meeting someone like him again. I used to work in domestic violence and victims would often try to justify or forgive the behaviour or attitudes of their abusers. It was rationalised as normal or something they deserved as a result of years of conditioning by their abuser. They had come to accept no better 'treatment' through years of being ground down, and feeling they had no power or rights to stand up for their own freedom and right to be respected. They were at huge risk of abuse, violence and all sorts of control as a result of not valuing themselves enough to say 'no'. At the very first instance that a man behaves the way this one does, you need to run and recognise that this pattern of behaviour is signalling an abuser who you must avoid at all costs. Why waste time on a no hoper, and someone who may assault you, abuse you or turn into a stalker? He could end up killing you. There are a lot of freaks on OLD and they are there because they cannot meet suitable mates in the traditional way. You are looking for a needle in a haystack to start with, as that the pool of singletons online will contain many damaged people. To find a decent one, you need to be resilient and spot the signs of a lunatic before you put yourself in a position of danger.

Fuckitydoodah · 25/10/2023 19:30

I don't know about him being a possible narcissist, but I do know you've had a lucky escape. He sounds creepy as hell. Thank goodness he doesn't know where you live.

Does he know where you work?

Don't ever let him convince you he's OK and into meeting up again.

Summerhillsquare · 25/10/2023 20:02

He needs somewhere to live I imagine!

Have a break from dating while you practice trusting your gut instinct, saying no and sticking to it.

orangecandles · 25/10/2023 21:12

I don't think he's a narcissist. Narcissists are very clever. He's too obvious. They love bomb but they make you think they are perfect. You don't realise there is anything wrong until you're well and truly stuck in it.

He sounds like a very very dangerous man regardless. Please don't speak to him again

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 21:18

He wasn't even behaving in an ok way in person OP.

He's not necessarily a narc (though I suppose he could be) but definitely creepy and pushy.

itsmyp4rty · 25/10/2023 21:24

orangecandles · 25/10/2023 21:12

I don't think he's a narcissist. Narcissists are very clever. He's too obvious. They love bomb but they make you think they are perfect. You don't realise there is anything wrong until you're well and truly stuck in it.

He sounds like a very very dangerous man regardless. Please don't speak to him again

I agree with this. IME narcissists are much more subtle than this, 25 years I was deceived for. The lies and gas lightning are extreme - but also the desire to look like an amazing person at all times.

I don't understand why you seem to keep getting back into this? He certainly doesn't sound stable, he sounds very insecure and is bordering on predatory. He is certainly emotionally unstable and emotionally immature.

You need to put a complete stop to this though before it becomes an even bigger and more dangerous problem.

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 21:25

The bench incident was creepy and kind of rapey. PP's are right that should've been the end. Never tolerate the company or messages etc of someone who makes you feel uneasy, when you don't have to.

Now his sockpuppet etc, that's really creepy, I hope he gets bored soon. Keep blocking x

porridgeisbae · 25/10/2023 21:26

If one of these random socks messages you again, you could even speak to the police.

Flatbellyfella · 25/10/2023 22:00

He sounds totally unhinged & scary to spend any time with, I think you have had a lucky escape that he showed his true colours so early.
An Ann Summers doll would be the way for a creep like that to go.

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 22:03

I couldn't read all of that essay but from what I did read he's just an arsehole.

True narcissism is extremely rare. He's a bad egg they exist, many of them I have met. Just get rid who cares what he is.

iamenough2023 · 25/10/2023 23:11

I would not say a narcissist but actual psychopath. Reading your post gave me creeps.

spookehtooth · 25/10/2023 23:28

The forced kissing on the first date, I'm confused why you let that slide and see him again. If no isn't enough for him then, will it be enough when you're more vulnerable?

Original poster
Clara9788 · 26/10/2023 11:36

He didn’t do the kissing thing on the first date but the second. After that I didn’t meet him again

he messaged me last night from a new number. He started it off by asking if I’m ready to come out of time out?!!! I didn’t block him as I started getting paranoid that he could do something If I completely ignore him

he kept on saying the same thing that am I ready to be the way he wants me to be and so on. I told him I’m not interested and that we didn’t speak for a couple of days and I was happy with that. He started saying this shows what type of person I am and so on. He kept saying stuff to me which was very similar to what the profile on the app said so I know it’s him

i ended the convo by making clear I do not want to proceed. He closed the convo by saying I could never be the woman he wants me to be anyway

not heard from him today. Blocked the number. Not had any calls off private number or anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clara9788 · 26/10/2023 11:41

The online profile said a couple of times to me ‘stay safe’ he said it again ‘stay safe ok’. I didn’t think about this till now. I’m getting paranoid

OP posts:
category12 · 26/10/2023 12:12

Speak to the police if this goes on - contacting you on various platforms from different profiles is turning into harassment.

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