Death of estranged parent

[BrokenButNotFinished]

Been NC with both parents for nearly 20 years (both still married to each other and living in what was once the family home). All the reasons why an adult child, with her own children to protect, might want to introduce a breach. Neither parent has taken steps to engage with me or acknowledge that any kind of abuse occurred, growing up.

Occasionally one parent tries to make contact with my husband under the guise of legal or financial matters. I'm ok, but this does usually send me into a bit of a tailspin, from which it takes me a while to straighten out. The other parent has a degenerative brain condition which has affected their memory. They are cared for by the first parent.

The first parent has made contact again with my husband to say that they have an extremely terminal condition and they need to see him. Sounds like they might not last out the year.

Has anyone got any suggestions for what we do here?? I know that I'm not obliged to see them, even on the cusp of death, but it sounds like the surviving parent will not be competent to organise the funeral, sell the house - or possibly even shop for food (and they've lost their driving licence due to seizures). There's a chance that they might ask my husband to take power of attorney, but he's got stuff going on too, so it's just not fair on him.

I am an only child and the only other close-ish relative is 76 and lives 150 miles away.

Thanks.

It's entirely up you and your DH whether you have anything to do with these people. Do not feel any guilt if you want to remain distant. I am sure the authorities will have a 'department' for people who cannot function in life.
If you want to assess their situation, then perhaps sort out local support, then do it.

They made their choices earlier in life and you made yours. If you are NC for good reason and the surviving one can’t cope when the terminal one dies, then he or she will have to go into residential care and pay for it themselves. Provided you aren’t expecting an inheritance (which I’m guessing you aren’t) then it’s up to them to sort themselves out. You have no responsibility or duty to do so.

This may sound hard but you didn’t go NC with them for no reason I’m assuming. I’m NC with my DM and know when she does by DB (who I’m also NC with) won’t be able to afford a funeral for her. But that’s their problem not mine. I won’t be swooping in to pay for it nor will I be attending it. She can have a state organised funeral and if there is anything in her estate my DB is welcome to it. The peace of mind from not having to engage with either of them and their toxicity and game playing is more than worth it!

Could you make social services aware? No judgement here as I maybe in the same situation soon.

I don't feel guilty. I certainly had good reason and I'm not interested in death bed tears. I'm pretty certain I was disinherited a long time ago.

Is there a department? Is social services not chronically underfunded?? And how in hell do you notify a putative social services department of a potential vulnerability when you have no idea what's happening on the ground?? Residential care could be funded from the house sale, but it would have to be sold first. Honestly: FML. 🤦‍♀️

I hate that I'm even thinking about this, but it can't be on my husband. One thing I am very sure of though is that I can't go back there (literally or metaphorically).

They absolutely did make a choice. And it was always going to end up like this. 😕

I regretted it myself and I've known a few other people who have regretted not speaking to their estranged parents before they died.

It's an entirely different feeling when you can't speak to them because the choice is actually gone forever. It hits you that it's now permanent very intensely.

This is not me. As far I'm concerned, they died years ago - and that's before I even start thinking that I've never had a mother, in any meaningful sense. My first reaction to hearing of this terminal illness was not in any way down the regret end of the spectrum.

@BrokenButNotFinished

You need to put your mental health first. If you see that getting back 'involved' in their lives will be damaging to your well being, then you are right to stay NC. And to tell your DH not to respond to any communications from them.

I'm in the US and here there are private fiduciaries (usually banks, investment firms, or attorneys) who do are able to act as trustees/POA for people who are able to pay their fees. I'm sure the UK has similar. And in my State there is the 'Office of the Public Guardian' who handles the finances and care of people who have no one else willing to act on their behalf and are unable to afford private fiduciaries. All states have similar but may be called by other names. I'd assume the UK has some sort of SS agency who looks after people unable to look after themselves as not everyone has family or friend able to accept these responsibilities.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I completely understand. As far as I was concerned my father was dead to me and had been for a long time.

I even said for the first six months that it hadn't affected me - and I meant it. But then feelings I hadn't anticipated hit me like a train.

You might not feel the same, but I wish I'd had a heads up of the possibility of it myself.

Contact their GP and local area Adult Social Care Dept of Social Services and explain the situation. The Court of Protection will manage the finances of someone in this scenario. It might be helpful if age UK or a local advocacy service could also get involved but you don't need to be hands on.

How do they have contact detail's for your husband ?

I didn’t get in touch when I was told my father was dying. My siblings did, but I didn’t and I don’t regret it.

He had been dead to me for a long time. I had one afternoon where I wondered what it would have been like to have a proper parent that was worthy of mourning, but I’ve never regretted not going.

Social services will step in for the other parent if it’s needed. You have no obligation to them, and they are clearly trying to Hoover you via your husband, so don’t feel you should or must.

I am estranged from both my parents and I have thought about this scenario - albeit they aren't together.

I have already decided that I wont lift a finger for either of them for any reason.

Same as YetMoreNewBeginnings - they are both dead to me. they mean nothing and I dont care. Rightly or wrongly.

''@Bassetlover

Contact their GP and local area Adult Social Care Dept of Social Services and explain the situation. The Court of Protection will manage the finances of someone in this scenario. It might be helpful if age UK or a local advocacy service could also get involved but you don't need to be hands on.''

No.

The OP should not get involved at all in their lives and there is no reason why her husband should take on a power of attorney.

She has made her wishes clear to have no contact and the parent should not be trying to go around this by contacting her husband instead.

If that person is indeed sick, because that could also just be manipulation, and the other parent will need someone to look after their affairs then they should themselves involve social services, not expect their adult child who they have not interacted with for 20 years and who they failed to care for appropriately when she was a child, to come to the rescue.

I'm NC with my parents for a decade. Slightly different to you in that there has never been any contact of any type, so I highly doubt they would ever reach out anyway, but I absolutely would not get involved.

The reasons why they are not in your life, and why you made the decision to protect your children from them, all still exist - do not make the mistake of forgetting that because one or both of them is ill.

I have a sibling who is in contact with them, so they are his responsibility as far as I'm concerned. But even if he didn't exist, they wouldn't become my problem. There are incredibly loving adult children on here who lose their whole selves to caring for a sick parent, and that's with a good and close relationship at the core of it. Involving yourself or your husband in one which is toxic and unsafe could be a disaster.

Quite simply, they are not your problem. I know it sounds harsh but I don't care. We don't go NC with parents lightly, and after 20 years? They are practically strangers.

Same here.

Your husband replies to the contact "We cannot help you and have no need to be involved. Broken has her reasons for staying away from you for the last 20 years, please do not contact us again."

I'm in a similar situation and I can tell you for sure having contact again will re-traumatize you. The tailspin you mention is CPTSD and the contact triggered it. I've been through all this with my therapist so this is a professional opinion I'm relaying. Ask your DH not to pass on any further contact requests. He should have blocked them already. You're not NC if he's acting as a liaison. If you have a therapist ask for some extra sessions to work through this, or start seeing one of you haven't. I had a re-traumatizing event happen a couple years ago and it set me back more than I thought possible. I deeply regret it even though it was unavoidable. I cannot stress enough how dangerous it is. Protect yourself and ask your DH to support you in it.

OP - how do you know one of your parents has lost their driving licence? Who is giving you this information? Is it the 76 year old?

Is that the main question here?? He's pretty senior in his company. It doesn't take much googling to find the reception number for the London office.

I get it, but even if I had much to say, no one would be listening. It's like when people say you'll want your mum after you've given birth. I would have liked A Mum, but it wasn't mine. I will certainly regret the family I didn't have and the things I've had to cut myself off from.

You are right. I know this. I don't underestimate the damage contact can do: the last time did wonders for my suicidal ideation. 😬
I'm not in therapy at the moment, but going back is something to consider.

I’ve been NC with my mother for 30 years. She was an abusive alcoholic and I have no regrets about my decision to go NC. All my grieving over being effectively motherless has been done already.

I think if I were contacted at this stage it would just be inappropriate to get involved, like organising care for strangers, in fact worse than strangers.

If you are confident about your decision to go NC (and it sounds as if you are) then I think you simply say it’s not appropriate for you or your DH to be involved given the circumstances. Or don’t respond at all.

It would be a shame to get dragged back into a toxic/traumatic situation at this stage.

Snap to the abusive alcoholic. Living with which I always said was a daily triumph of experience over hope.
It would be inappropriate. You're right.

I'm wondering why you have posted?
If you or your partner have no contact with the dying person, whether they are family or not you cannot be involved with the funeral costs or the will unless you involve yourself. What do you want from this post?