Death of estranged parent

[BrokenButNotFinished]

Been NC with both parents for nearly 20 years (both still married to each other and living in what was once the family home). All the reasons why an adult child, with her own children to protect, might want to introduce a breach. Neither parent has taken steps to engage with me or acknowledge that any kind of abuse occurred, growing up.

Occasionally one parent tries to make contact with my husband under the guise of legal or financial matters. I'm ok, but this does usually send me into a bit of a tailspin, from which it takes me a while to straighten out. The other parent has a degenerative brain condition which has affected their memory. They are cared for by the first parent.

The first parent has made contact again with my husband to say that they have an extremely terminal condition and they need to see him. Sounds like they might not last out the year.

Has anyone got any suggestions for what we do here?? I know that I'm not obliged to see them, even on the cusp of death, but it sounds like the surviving parent will not be competent to organise the funeral, sell the house - or possibly even shop for food (and they've lost their driving licence due to seizures). There's a chance that they might ask my husband to take power of attorney, but he's got stuff going on too, so it's just not fair on him.

I am an only child and the only other close-ish relative is 76 and lives 150 miles away.

Thanks.

Why post here if you’re so sure not contacting them is the right thing to do? You obviously have doubts. Just be sure you don’t end up with regrets.

I meant to say in my last post - I would have your DH not reply at all.

Any answer just invites a “why?” or further elaboration of their circumstances.

No reply means they get no confirmation that they’ve messaged the right person, that he’s still your DH etc. it opens no windows for pushing.

I think I've been clear. Other people have been helpful with their comments. If you don't have anything useful to add, maybe go bother another thread? Perhaps someone with cancer, or whose dog's just died...?

Touched a nerve 🙄

If you had read the thread, you would have noticed that I said I was disinherited years ago. What do you hope to achieve here?

@PeacefulPottering Wowee!!

Ignore this OP. Its just mean.

Others on here understand you perfectly.

No, I don't have doubts. But they have got themselves into a hellish situation, for which no help is coming. I wouldn't wish that on a stranger.

@PeacefulPottering that’s really uncalled for. Absolutely nothing @BrokenButNotFinished has said so much as hints that this is her motivation.

If you have never experienced an abusive childhood of a level which leads you to go NC with parents, you are wholly unqualified to comment on a sensitive thread of this nature. The OP has clearly posted for support in circumstances where she is conflicted between what she needs to do for her own mental health and what she feels society expects of her.

Jesus PeacefulPottering projecting much?!

OP has clearly outlined her sense of being in a tailspin. I completely get the need for a space to work through her thoughts.

OP I agree with PP that you need to get your DH to have your back on the NC. That means even if he is contacted by them not to tell you. He owes them nothing. He certainly should not commit to taking on any role such as POA.

If the carer parent is dying they need to make arrangements for the other parent’s care in the future. That should not involve you or your DH.

sending you strength, OP

Unpleasant and strange.

Thank you. 🙂

Again. Why if you have removed yourself are you so worried about the financial effect? What is your skin in the game? You left that behind surely!

I'm not being mean. Why on earth would you be bothering with parents you disaniwned years ago?

It’s nothing to do with money. Seriously, find another thread to troll.

Do you even know they are ill? Like for tea, have proof? My parents invented all sorts of illnesses every time I tried to go NC.

*for real

To a degree, I'm in a similar situation to you @BrokenButNotFinished having gone NC with my father in 2007 following the death of my mother: it was a mutual thing and not a situation created by just one of us. He sold the family home and moved away - I have no idea where - I have no links or contacts so I know absolutely nothing about him or his life and.... life has been blissful without him in it. I doubt I will even hear about him if he was to decline in fact I don't know how I would hear about his death but either way I would feel nothing and have no interest in seeing him or knowing anything about him - I would certainly not be getting involved with anything to do with care with his declining health, arranging a funeral, acting as an executor, etc - any contact would be triggering for me and I'm just not interested in that - so - I think I can understand your perspective - I would have no problem in telling them that you have no interest in getting involved in any way - it would be a very simple decision for me - why wouldn't it be that simple for you?

@PeacefulPottering i dont usually do this - but i searched you.

im going to try and be nice here.

given your substantial heartache over your own family circumstances, i am surprised at the vitriol. Its getting late. Perhaps you should go to bed.

This is a reasonable question and it did occur to me to wonder if it was at least exaggerated. They do have form for twisting facts for extra impact to try and force me to make contact. I have reason to think this might well be the real deal though - and even if this is not the endgame as suggested, the ages involved mean it's certainly not far off.

How are you feeling emotionally? I feel like you should meet them op with your husband and make it a quick visit just to ask about how they are the diagnosis and prognosis. Give your self some time and see how you feel about it . Give some time for the initial reaction to pass as it is based on your past experiences. If it's too much then you can think of talking to a therapist to deal with any feelings.

Absolutely no pressure honey just letting you know what I feel. I know it's very difficult to get in touch with parents you have cut contact with . We are in a similar position with dhs parents and it's not easy. So you don't have to do anything you don't want to op. Sending you love xx