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Original poster

Death of estranged parent

78 replies

BrokenButNotFinished · 23/10/2023 18:20

Been NC with both parents for nearly 20 years (both still married to each other and living in what was once the family home). All the reasons why an adult child, with her own children to protect, might want to introduce a breach. Neither parent has taken steps to engage with me or acknowledge that any kind of abuse occurred, growing up.

Occasionally one parent tries to make contact with my husband under the guise of legal or financial matters. I'm ok, but this does usually send me into a bit of a tailspin, from which it takes me a while to straighten out. The other parent has a degenerative brain condition which has affected their memory. They are cared for by the first parent.

The first parent has made contact again with my husband to say that they have an extremely terminal condition and they need to see him. Sounds like they might not last out the year.

Has anyone got any suggestions for what we do here?? I know that I'm not obliged to see them, even on the cusp of death, but it sounds like the surviving parent will not be competent to organise the funeral, sell the house - or possibly even shop for food (and they've lost their driving licence due to seizures). There's a chance that they might ask my husband to take power of attorney, but he's got stuff going on too, so it's just not fair on him.

I am an only child and the only other close-ish relative is 76 and lives 150 miles away.

Thanks.

OP posts:
heartsinvisiblefury · 23/10/2023 22:07

PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 21:57

Again. Why if you have removed yourself are you so worried about the financial effect? What is your skin in the game? You left that behind surely!

Why are you missing the point so badly????

LuluBlakey1 · 23/10/2023 22:10

I think your husband should just re-iterate that neither of you want any further contact and that they should ring adult social care at social services for advice. An adult social worker would be appointed to assess needs and ensure care was in place going forward .

Original poster
BrokenButNotFinished · 23/10/2023 22:10

Potterypot · 23/10/2023 22:05

How are you feeling emotionally? I feel like you should meet them op with your husband and make it a quick visit just to ask about how they are the diagnosis and prognosis. Give your self some time and see how you feel about it . Give some time for the initial reaction to pass as it is based on your past experiences. If it's too much then you can think of talking to a therapist to deal with any feelings.

Absolutely no pressure honey just letting you know what I feel. I know it's very difficult to get in touch with parents you have cut contact with . We are in a similar position with dhs parents and it's not easy. So you don't have to do anything you don't want to op. Sending you love xx

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't really know how I feel yet, tbh. Slightly sick. Like I'm balancing and surprised I haven't fallen yet. I'm not going to see them though. I can't go there and I can't go to the area I used to live. That much I am sure of.

OP posts:
jeffuk2015 · 23/10/2023 22:13

I really don't have any advice for your predicament by not not knowing the full facts, so be ready to accept both the pros and cons of what you do/don't do, though it sounds like they STILL know how to prey on your need for validation and fears, but I will say this.

Bad parenting/dysfunctional living conditions, combined with lots of callousness and coldness in upbringing leads to memories etched into our brains until we breathe our last gasp. Mental abuse breaks people, makes them scared and easily hurt and overreactive, warps their perception of reality and turns them paranoid to always expect the worst in people in every situation.

Hurt people tend to hurt other people; there is no such thing as “tough love” - that’s just cope for being a careless, narcissistic shit parent. The strongest men always have loving parents who inspired them through example. Bad parents lead to criminals and losers. It’s possible to get over it and lead a good life with help, but it takes a long and conscious effort.

Quitelikeit · 23/10/2023 22:14

I don’t really understand why you are concerned about this at all when you have said you wouldn’t be too bothered when they die.

I mean that’s your answer right there surely?

PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:19

This.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 22:21

If only it was that simple.

There remain remnants of guilt and some other quite complex emotions going on with these things.

And being honest - if you cant get that - i dont think there is any point trying to explain that to you at all.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 22:23

Quitelikeit · 23/10/2023 22:14

I don’t really understand why you are concerned about this at all when you have said you wouldn’t be too bothered when they die.

I mean that’s your answer right there surely?

If only it were always that simple

Clarabe1 · 23/10/2023 22:23

I am going to say what some other posters have said, why are you bothered? Why is your husband getting involved? If for whatever valid reason you decided to go NC why are you getting involved in this drama? It’s this simple , you and your husband say no in regards to helping . I would suggest that if you are thinking about helping you are more bothered than you are letting on and perhaps feel something? This might be misplaced guilt or a genuine desire to reconcile. Only you can answer those questions, I don’t think anyone else can.

PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:23

I suppose what you are asking is should you show up and take the dying of a of a parent on board? No, not if you are estranged. Why would you?

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 22:26

Perhaps because the finality of death means that there might be regrets? that you want to make sure are not going to haunt you?

Its not simple nor straightforward.

It not something you decide on a whim. Hence some of the angst. These people are human beings - are you?

If only life fitted into nice little perfect boxes.

Original poster
BrokenButNotFinished · 23/10/2023 22:26

jeffuk2015 · 23/10/2023 22:13

I really don't have any advice for your predicament by not not knowing the full facts, so be ready to accept both the pros and cons of what you do/don't do, though it sounds like they STILL know how to prey on your need for validation and fears, but I will say this.

Bad parenting/dysfunctional living conditions, combined with lots of callousness and coldness in upbringing leads to memories etched into our brains until we breathe our last gasp. Mental abuse breaks people, makes them scared and easily hurt and overreactive, warps their perception of reality and turns them paranoid to always expect the worst in people in every situation.

Hurt people tend to hurt other people; there is no such thing as “tough love” - that’s just cope for being a careless, narcissistic shit parent. The strongest men always have loving parents who inspired them through example. Bad parents lead to criminals and losers. It’s possible to get over it and lead a good life with help, but it takes a long and conscious effort.

Absolutely. All of this. I am as damaged by my upbringing psychologically as I would be physically if I had lost limbs (for example). It takes ongoing effort to work to the best with what I've got. I think I'm pretty resilient, but sometimes that takes a huge amount of energy 😬.

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:33

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Zoomie1 · 23/10/2023 22:33

Do not get involved and your husband needs to set some boundaries too. It's not your problem - don't re-awaken your past with them as you will inevitably suffer the consequences and may go into a tailspin.... and that would be not very good for you. Stay strong and stay out of the whole thing. You are n/c for good reasons.

My mother is now in a residential home, I've heard through a sibling. I have not got involved. No contact for 20 years now I don't intend to arrange or be at her funeral. For my own sanity. I am not the only sibling to feel this way.

MrsDaniFilth · 23/10/2023 22:34

There is only one place i can see bad faith coming from on here.

PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:35

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NotMyDayJob · 23/10/2023 22:35

I don't know what you should do OP, but I know what I would do, which is nothing. NC for about 6 years now with my dad, he lives abroad with his second wife, I don't think he's dead, but he could be. If he rocked back up to these shores because he was old and decripit, which I wouldn't put past him, I'd say no thank you and hang up.

To be honest in this scenario the biggest problem would be them getting DHs number and how to stop them ringing, possibly if they wouldn't stop ringing we'd have to involve the police as harassment but hopefully just ignoring the messages would be enough.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/10/2023 22:36

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You clearly don’t understand the issues that come with the situation the OP is in so why don’t you quit haranguing them?

It’s nowhere near as simple as you’re trying to make it sound.

Original poster
BrokenButNotFinished · 23/10/2023 22:36

Clarabe1 · 23/10/2023 22:23

I am going to say what some other posters have said, why are you bothered? Why is your husband getting involved? If for whatever valid reason you decided to go NC why are you getting involved in this drama? It’s this simple , you and your husband say no in regards to helping . I would suggest that if you are thinking about helping you are more bothered than you are letting on and perhaps feel something? This might be misplaced guilt or a genuine desire to reconcile. Only you can answer those questions, I don’t think anyone else can.

There is no desire to reconcile (it's not possible) and there's no guilt. But they have got themselves in a hellish situation. And if the carer goes first, the situation of the remaining parent is terrifying (for them, not me). I wouldn't want to see any confused old person left like that. It's not humane. I just don't want to be anywhere near its resolution.

If I were hoping that their ends were as desperate as possible, I think that would suggest a greater level of emotional involvement than I have. I'm not awash with bitterness, hatred and a desire for revenge here.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenButNotFinished · 23/10/2023 22:37

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I'm not really sure you can read. There are no loved ones. Did you miss that...?

OP posts:
PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:38

Absolutely this. Just don't get involved. It's not on you OP , not your involvement. I don't understand why you think it ever was .

jeffuk2015 · 23/10/2023 22:38

I am lucky. In spite of their flaws and my negative experiences, I love my parents and they love me, or at the very least my father does. However, this has not blinded me to a certain demographic of stupid, self-centered boomers that have done so much damage to this country. My system was to:

Understand that they could be abusive for the same reason everyone else is.
Forgive them and stop blaming them
(Hardest of all) Fix what was wrong with myself so that I didn't turn out to be a similar piece of shit.
They made their mistakes, which they've since indirectly acknowledged but I focused on myself and improved and I live a good life. In the longer term I think this works: my kids are decent and civilized, so I couldn't ask for more.

PeacefulPottering · 23/10/2023 22:45

So if you are the only relative you get to decide surely?
Do I want to do the whole put my relative to rest or don't I?
If you have been estanged I can't think you would want to. But you could do a simple ask a funeral director to do a simple funeral. It's not hard, just do the necessary things.
The difficult emotions are you obviously are not reconciled with your parent.
That's different.

MsRosley · 23/10/2023 23:23

No, I don't have doubts. But they have got themselves into a hellish situation, for which no help is coming. I wouldn't wish that on a stranger.

I completely understand where you're coming from, OP. I'm very low contact with my father, and though I have good reasons for not wanting regular contact with him, I'm still plagued by empathy for him as a human being. He's ill and lonely, and it's hard not to feel compassion for someone in that situation. But I am absolutely not the person to help him with that. It's an odd mental conflict, and at times I feel very guilty about my estrangement from him, though my family is largely supportive and understanding because they all think he's awful too.

gavisconismyfriend · 23/10/2023 23:43

If the competent parent who is dying realises they cannot hook you or your husband in, then perhaps they will realise that they need to sort out plans for the cared-for parent. Under no circumstances should your husband respond to their request. At best he will end up burdened by them, at worst they will come between you.