Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

His ex wants closure - I’m pregnant

119 replies

seekingguidence92 · 22/10/2023 18:32

Hello, I’m 33 weeks pregnant. My partner is a long term (many year) friend who I fell in love with about 18 months ago as he was separating from his wife. She lives overseas and did during their very short marriage, no children).
she’s been refusing to sign divorce papers, pretending she has a lawyer, wants huge payouts etc despite it being a 3 year marriage, no assets to split and my partners 80k business savings.
she’s now saying she’s coming to england in two weeks for a friends wedding and she wants to meet my partner then for a coffee / drink to get closure. They’ve had many phone calls trying to agree the divorce - he agreed to 80% of his savings to get rid of her. Still she has kept his entire account (100%) and locked him out of it. We tried for many months to get back via Revolut but she changed all the details then withdrew all funds.
anyway….. she wants to meet him. I’m very very upset about this, he’s convinced it’s the only way to get rid of her and he’s scared of her / she’s a very dominating character. She does not know I’m pregnant. Any help!

OP posts:

Bellyblueboy · 25/10/2023 21:22

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 25/10/2023 03:50

How does he cope with his high earning job if he can't deal with conflict? None of this sounds at all credible.

And the amounts quoted in terms of salary and savings would not qualify as high net worth.

These types of services are used by people with millions.

this all seems very fishy.

Ebony69 · 25/10/2023 22:03

ChipAndMiss · 22/10/2023 18:57

Wow, who could have ever guessed that having a baby with another woman’s husband would cause such complications?

Exactly this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 22:27

Ostryga · 22/10/2023 18:37

Don’t meet her, instruct a solicitor with all the details because she’s off her rocker if she thinks she’s entitled to all that.

Seriously, get legal advice and get closure that way. Meeting her is a very silly idea.

I agree.

If he does meet her he should bring a family member like a sibling or a close and reasonable friend with him.

I would trust him that he knows her well enough when he says he needs to meet her. He might need to grovel and throw himself under the bus and flatter her.

She will likely be incredibly jealous and go nuclear if she finds out you exist and are pregnant so I wouldn't recommend he tells her. Not sure why other pp think you should show up pregnant that would be extremely stressful
For you.

Yettisrus2 · 26/10/2023 08:20

You contradict yourself. She left him and moved thousands of miles away then you say she doesn't want a divorce. Which is it?

You leave because you want a divorce, you don't leave and move thousands of miles away and say "nah I don't want a divorce after all".

Tabbygabby · 26/10/2023 08:29

ChipAndMiss · 22/10/2023 18:57

Wow, who could have ever guessed that having a baby with another woman’s husband would cause such complications?

Savage but true. Won't help OP but if anyone else is reading this it's wise to wait until they're actually divorce otherwise invariably you have the shitshow of stuff like this.

OP at the end of the day its up to him what he does, you can wish he does x, y or z all you like but his account doesn't really add up, and if he wants to meet his wife then he will. Part and parcel of becoming tangled up with what seems to be a dishonest and weak man.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 26/10/2023 10:29

Goodornot · 25/10/2023 09:17

Exactly. It's between him and his wife. The OP is the Gf / OW. The fact that she's chosen a married man doesn't change that it's nothing to do with her. Their marriage is none of her business and if she wants to continue to keep assisting him when he won't sort his own divorce then that's her choice.

Edit: it's 5 years for a divorce without consent.

Edited

Show quote history

If you are in the UK, the law on divorce changed in 2022 and the consent of the other party is no longer relevant, so it would not take five years.

Goodornot · 26/10/2023 14:05

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2023 22:27

I agree.

If he does meet her he should bring a family member like a sibling or a close and reasonable friend with him.

I would trust him that he knows her well enough when he says he needs to meet her. He might need to grovel and throw himself under the bus and flatter her.

Show quote history

Why is this woman "off her rocker" because her husband is not making any effort to go through with a divorce and has got another woman pregnant without telling her? She's his wife!

Why shouldn't she be upset that her husband is having a baby with another woman without telling her?

Off her rocker. Aye. He's not at fault of course.

LolaSmiles · 26/10/2023 14:57

He's showing OP exactly who he is. How long before the relationship ends and he's got another woman on the go talking about his crazy ex, worried about the mental health of his baby's mum etc? I'm always very suspicious of men who spend a lot of time telling new girlfriends that their ex's are crazy/they're worried about ex's mental health.

MayThe4th · 26/10/2023 16:00

OP it’s incredibly easy to make up bank statements.

Sorry but I am absolutely convinced that he is a scammer. And while on the whole I am in favour of just moving on in these circumstances, on the basis you’re pregnant I would hire a private investigator to look into all this properly for you.

If he has a high net worth then we’re talking millions, tens of millions, not a few hundred k, and you say that he’s too afraid of conflict to confront his ex/hire a lawyer? Come on, are you really that gullible?

Please tell me you don’t intend to give up work when this baby is born, because right now he has you exactly where he wants you. Pregnant, with the likelihood of him being able to walk out at any minute and leave you with nothing.

Tbh I wonder whether there even is an ex.

But trust me, nobody keeps millions of pounds in a revolut account. He is 100% lying to you about who he is, what he stands for, and what his motives are.

I suspect you were only meant to be a fling, but you getting pregnant scuppered that for him. I wouldn’t expect him to stick around though. And tbh I wouldn’t be waiting for him to stay or walk.

The ex is a red herring. Whether there is or isn’t an ex, I would get out now.

xanadu123 · 26/10/2023 16:05

Ah OP, his behaviour is that of a man who feels guilty. It would be unreasonable to expect him to lose all feelings for her, no matter what he tells you. And I do think he/you had feelings for each other even during the marriage, but only acted on it once they split. Of course, you don't know if his feelings for you were a reason for the split/her moving away and you will never know the truth - just his version of it.

If he wasn't feeling guilty, he'd bring in a lawyer and defend his assets/savings - and would have a good claim since she lives overseas. The fact he is pussyfooting around the divorce proceedings even now means their relationship and his feelings for both of you are more complex than he lets on. Doesn't mean he will go back to her, but you are currently pregnant by another woman's husband and there's no getting away from the uncertainty.

Let them meet up - well, tbh, they will and you won't be able to stop it. While you can't control their relationship, you can control your life. Make sure you are financially secure and not dependent on him for anything until he is officially divorced. The house you live in should be in your name - don't move into his place as legally she has the right over it not you (in the UK marital assets are split 50:50 even if one party doesn't live in it). I wouldn't put his name on the baby's birth certificate as god forbid they decide to stay together and share the child care with you (seems unlikely but nothing about his behaviour has been normal so far).

Look out for yourself because no matter what sweet nothings he tells you, legally he's bound to another woman. Until the divorce is finalised treat yourself as a single mum in all the arrangements for the future you make.

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2023 16:45

His lying about the company money. Even without those sums as mines a relatively new company it have a proper business account.

Also depending on where the divorce happens your baby will be a nice little bit of proof for adultery if her country used that to award higher in divorces if he actually has anything of worth which is sounds like he doesn’t but he also sounds full of shit.

You would be better off running a mile and co parenting because his not telling you the truth about a lot of this let’s face it.

RantyAnty · 26/10/2023 16:49

seekingguidence92 · 25/10/2023 03:04

Not at all. He earns a healthy six figure income in a public role and financially makes very healthy contributions to our life without question.
his ex handled all of his affairs as he struggles with personal admin - the “unreasonable” settlement comes as his earnings are now growing substantially since their relationship ended and she had made threats to go after him for the long term, despite being a professional working person herself.
She perused a career overseas as soon as they got married and they saw each other every two months during the first 2 years of their marriage. He maintained properties in two countries.
I’ve actually gone through all of the banking process with him to try and recover the funds she’s hidden / withdrawn to no avail. All security was set up to his company admin email address which she had control over.
He doesn’t like conflict…. And he avoided hiring a lawyer as she had appointed a “hnw” divorce lawyer who he had engagement letters from then got disinstructed by ex. He had avoided appointing a lawyer as he didn’t want to lose any remaining ££ he had tied up in the relationship. Despite earning circa £70k Pa during their marriage she didn’t contribute to their two homes, bills or outgoings financially. He’s never asked her to disclose her financial position.

How long were they together before they got married?

So he is very willingly contributing to you financially and you've only been together a short while. Does he ask you to contribute?

Chances are he did the same thing for his wife over the years they were married.

She did all his admin work. That has value too. And it seems he's got you doing it now as he doesn't want to actually have to pay someone to do it for him.

I'd say 80k seems fair for handling his admin and finances over the years they've been together.

I suspect he'll call you a leech too when you break up, to his next victim he sucks in.

So many women blindly believe every word the man tells them about their ex.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/10/2023 19:18

He sounds like another version of the Tinder Swindler OP!

Thewookiemustgo · 26/10/2023 22:45

OP I don’t mean this unkindly, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that if it doesn’t make sense, some or all of it isn’t true.
This doesn’t make sense.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 27/10/2023 14:01

@seekingguidence92 OP, with respect, you've fallen for the oldest pack of lies in relationship history....

"My marriage was so <insert negative descriptor^>"
"My wife didn't understand me but you do"
"My ex is a psycho/controlling/abusive/a thief"
"I no longer have any money/savings because of my ex"
"We mustn't tell her you're pregnant/we're engaged/we live together until after the divorce"^

🤦🏼‍♀️

surreygirl1987 · 28/10/2023 14:45

OP I don’t mean this unkindly, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that if it doesn’t make sense, some or all of it isn’t true.
This doesn’t make sense.

Yep.

ChristmasFluff · 28/10/2023 15:35

Legally, she's his wife, and getting pregnant fast when someone is not divorced was bound to lead to situations like this, so I have no idea why people are pissed off at posters pointing this out.

And this thread is weird - normally people jump on posters who get pregnant within a year of beginning a relationship.

I'm with the wife here - there love-bombing and fast-forwarding going on, on someone's part (OP or this man who is married to someone else).

And yes, you can divorce after 2 years' separation in the UK. But since OP is pregnant, her married man can immediately divorce via claiming the marriage has irretrievably broken down. Since OP is pregnant with his child which is ample evidence.

adriftabroad · 28/10/2023 16:59

What country did they get married in?

Own a home in?

Laws are vastly different.

Of course he needs to meet his WIFE.

adriftabroad · 28/10/2023 17:06

I see straight through this:

He does not want to get divorced for financial reasons.

Mostly divorce is no fault now. He is spinning lies and delaying.
Do you realise how long a foreign contested divorce takes? The paper work, the specialist lawyers? Translations?

That is if both parties are REALLY committed.

3 years minimum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5