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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not fully free to be myself in front of husband?

82 replies

Pigglingtonbear · 21/10/2023 14:50

I've been married for over 20 years. Marriage is quite good at the moment, we've had bumpy patches like most long term relationships, but overall we're a pretty good team. He's a good person- works hard, very honest, kind gestures, good to the children etc. However, I do feel that I have moulded my personality a little or reigned in aspects of it over the years for his sake and find it bugging me more and more these days. I used to be quite spirited and silly but as he's quite serious, I feel that I've lost some of this over the years. He never laughs at my jokes, gets really annoyed if I'm singing etc. I was relaying a funny story earlier and he immediately butted it and said "we don't need the accent" - I was using a similar voice to the person who told the story and he clearly found it irritating. He's done this before several times- it completely takes my joy away and makes me feel stupid and annoying. My daughter has commented on how he only laughs at his own jokes and almost refuses to find me funny. I worry that maybe I am just a bit annoying! But part of me is tired of not being my full, real self. I sometimes fantasise about living alone by the sea with a cat for company. I worry that he's going to get more moody as he ages. Is this just a small personality clash which I'm overthinking due to perimenopause. Feel sad about it today.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 21/10/2023 14:54

It isn’t just a small thing. The way he speaks to you is really unkind. Have you talked to him about how hurtful it is? Have you asked him why he gets annoyed at you singing?

DuchessOfSausage · 21/10/2023 14:57

due to perimenopause
Stop with that. Your hormones are not the cause of his moody behaviour.

Boohooz · 21/10/2023 15:02

This resonates with me, OP. My DP of 17 years does not ever laugh at my stories (unless he’s drunk), and God knows I’m hilarious… I also find myself doing things like switching the channel quickly if he comes in while I’m watching lowbrow telly, and the same with the books I read.

I don’t think it’s a deal breaker if he’s a good man otherwise, but neither do I think you’re at all wrong to feel sad about it or to fear it’ll get worse. I say make the most of the laughs you get with others, and keep laughing in your own head, and never mind Lord Poeface

crystalize · 21/10/2023 15:03

Around peri menopause is commonly when we start to not put up with any shit. He crushes your spirit, what on awful awful way to live.

You have one life OP and given him 20 years of this. Time to think of yourself. Can you imagine staying with that when you're retired and old? Euuurggh no way! You sound lovely and fun...go live the rest of your life with the freedom to be as daft as you like 😊

PierceMorgansChin · 21/10/2023 15:09

Is there a love still in your marriage? Your husband finds you annoying and you fantasise about living on your own. What you describe seems like a minor thing, he doesn't find you funny and you think he is grumpy. I would struggle to stay in a relationship where my husband loves me but maybe doesn't like me very much.

EarthSight · 21/10/2023 15:13

It's normal to want to feel cherished for who we are, as a whole person. You've been hiding and moulding parts of yourself because you want to please him, want things to go smoothly, don't want to be negatively judged, criticised or made to feel small. It sounds like either you see him, or he sees himself as some kind of authority figure, like a stern teacher that is ready to frown at any sillyness.

Do you really feel valued and loved by him?

Ianz · 21/10/2023 15:14

One thing that I have always said to myself is, regardless of who I am with and how amazing the relationship is, I will never let anyone take away the child in me, that's me being silly, making funny jokes etc etc. You carry on being you but the problem is him not you.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 15:16

@Pigglingtonbear
If he does not find your jokes funny, you may just have different senses of humor. Why not wait to share your jokes with your daughter or friends who are likely to share your sense of humor.

If you feel that you have reigned in aspects of your personality to accommodate him. That was a choice that you made on your own. If you are upset about this choice, you have only yourself to blame.

Perhaps, he might be pleased to meet the real you. He does not sound like a man who enjoys being silly. Maybe that aspect of your personality you share with friends or other family members. If he is your only social outlet, that too is something that you should consider changing. It is not reasonable to expect 1 person to satisfy or meet all of our social needs.

You say a lot of positive things about him, and after 20 years , he probably has some positive thoughts about you. Maybe you can continue to build on the positives and find ways to express those aspects of your personality that you have been surpressing while recognizing that their may be other outlets for expressing aspects of your personality.

If you don't find his jokes funny , you don't need to feel compelled to laugh. He seems to be doing that on his own.

If you are so unhappy that you can no longer stand living with him, make whatever decision that you need to feel happy.

pointythings · 21/10/2023 15:16

This isn't minor. He's a joysucker and you'll have to decide whether you're going to put up with that for the rest of your life, Me, I'd choose the solo, the joy and the cat.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 15:22

We don’t need the accent?! We don’t need the husband. What a twat. He’s not your rude drama teacher.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 15:24

@lanz
When an adult makes an elective decision to mold or change themselves to please another person. They and not the other person are the problem.

Women ,all to often take on responsibilities and tasks that they do not enjoy, in an effort to please or keep a man. Once they have cemented the relationship, they then come to resent the partner for assuming that all of these responsibilities should be theirs.

It is unreasonable to blame or resent someone for assuming that the persona that you chose to present to them is the real you.

UnevenBalance · 21/10/2023 15:28

If you feel that you have reigned in aspects of your personality to accommodate him. That was a choice that you made on your own. If you are upset about this choice, you have only yourself to blame.

Is it now?
Nothing to do with the fact he clearly express how discontent when the OP isn’t as serious as he is/ is singing etc….? I mean even their dd noticed and commented on it!
Im not sure how you can be sure he’d enjoy seeing ‘the real her’ from the description in the OP.

@Pigglingtonbear unfortunately, I think we all do that.
When we see displeasure in our partners, that it’s a constant grumble when we do X or Y, we tend to ‘hide’ those aspects of us for the sake of keeping peace/a nice atmosphere.
And I agree that arriving around péri ménopause, we start to develop a ‘fuck all this peace keeping bullshit’ attitude.

SlippinJanie · 21/10/2023 15:32

He sounds mean-spirited towards you. That is sad.

SaltandPepper22 · 21/10/2023 15:33

This is so sad OP.

My DH loves my weirdness - or says he does anyway! That’s the whole point, to find someone who loves your weird and wonderful self. He’s being incredibly unkind

UnevenBalance · 21/10/2023 15:34

@Mari9999 what do you advise the OP to do then?
Be herself and get divorced? And then blame herself for not having done that before?

Come on.
You know very well that that sort of things come gradually. It’s not about ‘choosing’ to not be yourself. Rather it’s about wanting to be happy, not upsetting your partner, because you care about them and marriage is about compromises.
And then slowly, the compromises happen only on one side and become the norm.
It’s not about making the very conscious decision to be someone else ‘to cement the relationship’ and then expect/force their DH to change. If one was so intentional, they would be lying and manipulating their dh. Which is NOT what the OP is talking about.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 15:35

@UnevenBalance
His willingness to honesty express himself in no way prohibited the OP from doing the same. She chose not to freely express herself and is now blaming him.

I agree that he might not be everyone's cup of tea, but most do not continue to drink a distasteful drink for 20 years.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2023 15:39

Your marriage sounds absolutely fucking dreadful. I think you have been so beaten down and conditioned by him that you don't even see how fucking dreadful it really is.

Stop squandering your life on this joyless twat.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 15:46

@UnevenBalance
I do think that women make very intentioned decisions to present themselves in a ways to cement a relationship particularly if it is a way that they think will highlight them as better, more responsible, more supportive, better housekeeper, parent, etc than his previous partners or spouse. Later as the relationship advances or is cemented , the woman grows tired of this self imposed facade and begins to resent the partner.I think that this is a far more common occurrence than we are willing to admit.

wildwestpioneer · 21/10/2023 15:47

My ex was like this (note ex), I remember once, dd and I were singing in the car and having a lovely time, he told us to shut up as it was annoying him - I ended up calling him a 'fun sponge' towards the end as he used to suck the joy out of most family and fun times.

Newestname002 · 21/10/2023 15:49

@Pigglingtonbear

He never laughs at my jokes, gets really annoyed if I'm singing etc. I was relaying a funny story earlier and he immediately butted it and said "we don't need the accent" - I was using a similar voice to the person who told the story and he clearly found it irritating. He's done this before several times- it completely takes my joy away and makes me feel stupid and annoying. My daughter has commented on how he only laughs at his own jokes and almost refuses to find me funny.

How sad that he stamps on any joy you have. If being a funny, singing person who enjoys just being you and not being serious all the time and not watching or reading something highbrow occasionally who is he to censor you so you conform to what he thinks is suitable?

Your daughter has noticed his behaviour towards you (how old is she?) - when will he start behaving to her in the same way? 🌹

UnevenBalance · 21/10/2023 16:01

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 15:46

@UnevenBalance
I do think that women make very intentioned decisions to present themselves in a ways to cement a relationship particularly if it is a way that they think will highlight them as better, more responsible, more supportive, better housekeeper, parent, etc than his previous partners or spouse. Later as the relationship advances or is cemented , the woman grows tired of this self imposed facade and begins to resent the partner.I think that this is a far more common occurrence than we are willing to admit.

You have a very negative view if women - like if a lot if them were manipulative so and so just to ‘tie up’ a man.

Maybe you’d want to be careful not to project your win insecurities or view if the works into others.

GreigeO · 21/10/2023 16:04

If he does not find your jokes funny, you may just have different senses of humor. Why not wait to share your jokes with your daughter or friends who are likely to share your sense of humor

But sense of humour isn’t some kind of add on that you just bring out in certain company - like making a lemon cake for guests because you know they like it - it’s a core integral part of who you are!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 16:05

DuchessOfSausage · 21/10/2023 14:57

due to perimenopause
Stop with that. Your hormones are not the cause of his moody behaviour.

Yes my ex made me feel like that during pregnancy too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 16:05

spitefulandbadgrammar · 21/10/2023 15:22

We don’t need the accent?! We don’t need the husband. What a twat. He’s not your rude drama teacher.

This

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/10/2023 16:06

pointythings · 21/10/2023 15:16

This isn't minor. He's a joysucker and you'll have to decide whether you're going to put up with that for the rest of your life, Me, I'd choose the solo, the joy and the cat.

Yes! There is a whole world of happiness out there for you. I'd love to hear stories with accents- much more fun 😁

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