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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not fully free to be myself in front of husband?

82 replies

Pigglingtonbear · 21/10/2023 14:50

I've been married for over 20 years. Marriage is quite good at the moment, we've had bumpy patches like most long term relationships, but overall we're a pretty good team. He's a good person- works hard, very honest, kind gestures, good to the children etc. However, I do feel that I have moulded my personality a little or reigned in aspects of it over the years for his sake and find it bugging me more and more these days. I used to be quite spirited and silly but as he's quite serious, I feel that I've lost some of this over the years. He never laughs at my jokes, gets really annoyed if I'm singing etc. I was relaying a funny story earlier and he immediately butted it and said "we don't need the accent" - I was using a similar voice to the person who told the story and he clearly found it irritating. He's done this before several times- it completely takes my joy away and makes me feel stupid and annoying. My daughter has commented on how he only laughs at his own jokes and almost refuses to find me funny. I worry that maybe I am just a bit annoying! But part of me is tired of not being my full, real self. I sometimes fantasise about living alone by the sea with a cat for company. I worry that he's going to get more moody as he ages. Is this just a small personality clash which I'm overthinking due to perimenopause. Feel sad about it today.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 21/10/2023 21:52

Silly idea living by the sea with a cat, a dog would be much better. Don't let old misery guts suck the life out of you - life's too short honestly.

QueenBitch666 · 21/10/2023 23:42

He's a joyless twat sucking the life out of you. Definitely LTB territory. Life's too short

Geppili · 22/10/2023 00:59

What you describe is such a tiny detail but so so insightful. He is highly manipulative. He is trying to control and humiliate you. The most revealing thing is his use of the Royal 3rd person plural. He considers himself superior to you and in control of you. He sounds soulless. I bet you are hilarious and brilliant company btw.

Pigglingtonbear · 22/10/2023 13:23

Thank you for all the responses. It's affirmed what I was already thinking, which is that that way of speaking to me is not OK. Going forward I am going to push back and see what happens. Still giggling about the 'pissing on your chips' comment 😆

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/10/2023 13:42

I think pushing back very hard and keeping a note of these instances will be informative.

I agree with @Geppili that he reads as highly manipulative with a disordered personality that needs to feel both superior to you, and to humiliate you.

I can well imagine he was quickly dumped many times before you.

He is not a nice man.
His need to humiliate you is the real him, ugly.

I think if you keep careful note, push back hard, and detach a bit from him emotionally, you will see him for who he really is.

A mean spirited little man with an inferiority complex who feels the need to belittle and hurt the person he should feel the most loving towards.

I think trying to figure out why you have tolerated this and sold yourself so short by allowing this, would be very insightful work with a therapist.

As someone in my late 50's and largely through a ten year menopause🙄, the one thing that the menopause does provide many women with, is a template of what they will and will not put up with.

We are invariably changed by it, as friendships, family members, husbands who don't treat us as we should be treated, are ruthlessly shed.

Life, we realise, is too precious and short to remain in close contact with those that are not in our corner.

Wishing you well.

Worddance · 22/10/2023 13:45

You need to have a heart to heart with him and he needs to avoid becoming defensive. Is there a way to do that?

JamOnMySkirt · 22/10/2023 13:48

Just on the “serious” issue, since you mentioned it OP. Is it the right word? Or is it buzz killer?!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being serious in my view. I f anything maybe people should be more serious. When people say on dating sites they want someone who doesn’t take themselves seriously I am always suspicious this could mean they want an airhead like themselves!

I think you can be a serious person AND good fun sometimes AND have a sense of humour. They are not mutually exclusive.

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