Not fully free to be myself in front of husband?

[Pigglingtonbear]

I've been married for over 20 years. Marriage is quite good at the moment, we've had bumpy patches like most long term relationships, but overall we're a pretty good team. He's a good person- works hard, very honest, kind gestures, good to the children etc. However, I do feel that I have moulded my personality a little or reigned in aspects of it over the years for his sake and find it bugging me more and more these days. I used to be quite spirited and silly but as he's quite serious, I feel that I've lost some of this over the years. He never laughs at my jokes, gets really annoyed if I'm singing etc. I was relaying a funny story earlier and he immediately butted it and said "we don't need the accent" - I was using a similar voice to the person who told the story and he clearly found it irritating. He's done this before several times- it completely takes my joy away and makes me feel stupid and annoying. My daughter has commented on how he only laughs at his own jokes and almost refuses to find me funny. I worry that maybe I am just a bit annoying! But part of me is tired of not being my full, real self. I sometimes fantasise about living alone by the sea with a cat for company. I worry that he's going to get more moody as he ages. Is this just a small personality clash which I'm overthinking due to perimenopause. Feel sad about it today.

It sounds like he treats you with contempt www.rwapsych.com.au/blog/the-four-horsemen-toxic-communication-styles-and-how-to-rein-them-in/#:~:text=In%20relationship%20terms%2C%20The%20Four,his%20or%20her%20behaviour%20itself.

Banter tampon works equally well and will annoy him!

The next time he does something like this look at him very intensely and ask “did you mean to be so critical”. Then repeat this every single time. If that doesn’t make him realise how he is behaving and change then there’s little hope for improvement

So after having put up with a miserable marriage for 12 years I can say that no I would not put up with this again. I spent years changing myself to meet his ideal, albeit for a long time I did not realise I was doing that, until one day I woke up and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I’m not saying it will be the same for you, and only you know what you are willing to put up with. What I can advise you to do is identify your boundaries and enforce them. If he won’t accommodate this then I would think very carefully about whether the relationship is worth it.

You sound lovely, singing and joking. It’s a shame he doesn’t appreciate it.

Well he really likes to piss on your chips, doesn't he?

He sounds like he doesn’t like you, yet alone love you. Sorry op. It’s not you, it’s him.

I'm sorry, what? Why would an adult just assume that another adult will always be mainly responsible for most boring admin life jobs? I had a DP who tried to control all aspects of admin and how it was done. I told him to buckle up his ideas or we were done.

@@UnevenBalance
I do not see it as a negative view of women. I see it as a strategy employed by some women to achieve a certain outcome without realizing the longer term impact. I see it in the same way that I see many women quitting their jobs to be SAHMs only to end up divorced and in dire financial straits.

Some actions and choices have some very foreseeable outcomes, but many women take a "that won't happen to.me." position.

This is why I ended my marriage OP. I realised I was always tip towing around, walking in eggshells to a avoid criticism or be told I 'should' do whatever. I felt I no longer knew myself and had lost my self, failed to put my needs anywhere near first, and was becoming a shell of who I was. Post divorce I am loving getting to know myself again.

I've been married for nearly 25 years to my husband OP. We're very different to each other - I am the totally daft one and he's pretty serious. But he never makes me feel embarassed or uncomfortable. He usually just laughs and tells me I'm nutty!!

Is he deliberately humiliating you to keep you in your place. As you are getting a little older are you shedding any diffidence you might have had? Are you bonding with your DD in a way that he cannot?

Your DD noticed and thought it serious enough to comment. That is a marker by itself.

Tough talking time and don't let him put you back in the box.

I could have written your post 10 years ago ! I have now kind of rebelled against my husbands boring temperament and say and do as I like. I have become louder and if I want a sneaky early glass of fizz ,watch crap TV and swear occasionally( never at him I hasten to add) ,I now just do it !

THIS

It's not a small personality clash, no.

Your personality is who you are. Who are you if not all the little things - the accents, the jokes, the funny stories, the singing etc that make you, well, you?

If he doesn't like your personality well, what does he like?

This sounds like it was written by an incel. Lol.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R0qAYq1GVec&pp=ygUZdGhpcyBsaXR0bGUgbGlnaHQgb2YgbWluZQ%3D%3D

That song reminds me of you.

Thank you all for your responses. Lots to think about. I don't feel it's a LTB situation necessarily. When I read about what some women have to put up with on this forum, I usually feel pretty grateful by contrast. It's one specific issue, if I were to list the positives about our family and marriage I think some of the LTB posters might have a different view. I didn't make some conscious decision to completely change my personality to ensnare him, marriage is about compromise on both sides, but maybe i have over compromised on this point. I'm sure I'm not the perfect wife, just as he is not the perfect husband. He is quite serious, always has been, but I do think he's got worse over the years. He was dumped by several girfriends before me for being too serious. I have friends I can laugh with, hobbies and a life of my own alongside my marriage, other people do find me funny and lively, but there's still a lot of time with him at home to consider. He is very kind to me in other ways, but I am very upset at the idea that he doesn't love or like me as one poster suggested. I swing back and forth these days, sometimes thinking how kind he is and how lucky we are in some ways, to resenting his occasional moodiness and snappiness when he thinks I'm being ott. I often let things go, but I did stop mid sentence earlier and tell him how upset I was. H didn't say anything really or apologise or ask to hear the rest of the story. I went out for a run, returned and tried to start a conversation about the issue. He thinks I'm being ridiculous. I'm in tears and he hasn't apologised or offered anything up other than he thinks I'm making something out of nothing. He does do a strict school teacher thing (another poster called out this attitude,) occasionally - he does act like he knows best a lot of the time and I have pulled him up on this before and told him that I hate it when I feel he's 'telling me off'. I know he definitely wouldn't want to divorce. I think part of this is perimenopause in terms of no longer being prepared to put up with certain things. I can't ask him to change his personality, and the thing is we do actually get on pretty well overall. If I were a more robust type of personality maybe I'd continue to be more like myself without compromise and not care about his reactions, although I suspect we'd be arguing all the time in this case. Annoyingly, we were talking about his cousin the other day- she's brash, loud, kind and funny - and he was saying how much he admired her for this. But not in me, clearly. His family are very poe faced and serious, but again, other extended family are admired by them for being wacky, big personalities. When it comes from my side of the family, then not so much. Maybe I need to stop caring or bring do sensitive and he'll have to like it or lump it? I do think a lot of society finds 'funny' women problematic.

I would ask him how he'd feel if your daughter had a boyfriend who spoke to her like that. I'm so sad for you, what a a rude and diminishing way to speak to you.

I don't see it as an incel position.

My mum did it and it's what she raiised me to do - suppress all aspects of 'me' so that I would be as unremarkable and inoffensive as possible.

I know many women in their late 50s and 60s who admit to having done similar. I know plenty who didn't but a sizeable number who did.

OP, if you can't be yourself in front of your husband, then you can't be yourself. Your husband should be your safe space and the friend who gives you the bad ideas that gets you into the trouble he pulls you out of.

This guy is a millstone round your neck.

Get your cat.

This reminds me of life with my ex. There were a lot of other deeper reasons for our relationship to end. But it’s so refreshing now, being able to be my actual silly self 😜

He sounds like a miserable, rude, controlling toilet.

I think women's hormones can make us prone to accommodating people's needs, even if they're unreasonable. Menopause sees those hormones wane and then we are less inclined to put up with the sort of assholery that is your husband's stock in trade.

Men who get away with being controlling, unpleasant, miserable grumps have no incentive to change. They just get more like it with age and practice.

You have one precious life and all you are asking is to be authentically yourself. We should all have the space to do that.
If you stay with him you will always be his underdog, kept in your place.

If you go you can get a seaside flat and spend your days with nice people doing exactly as you please.

From the outside looking in it looks very much like a LTB situation.

I can't ask him to change his personality

Yet he tells you to change yours?

I do think a lot of society finds 'funny' women problematic.
Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Celia Imrie, Joanna Lumley, Ruby Wax, Catherine Tate, Miranda Hart, Sarah Milligan, Kathy Burke, Meera Syal and Victoria Wood would probably disagree.

Maybe I need to stop caring
I think you do.